A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
The Race for Riches
In just a couple of months we�ll have the opportunity to take step one toward electing a new governor in the State of Illinois. As everyone knows, this is a vitally important race, which hinges on the one burning issue that the state now faces: where is the next source of payoffs going to come from?
Skeptics believe that Illinois is tapped dry and we will be unable to find the millions needed to support our governor and his cronies in proper style. George Ryan exhausted the Driver�s License market and Rod Blagojovich is close to doing the same with politically-connected state contractors. Where can we turn?
Fear not fellow citizens. Not for nothing is Illinois renowned for its leading-edge graft and corruption innovations. Researchers are working day and night at the bipartisan Paul Powell Shoebox Memorial Institute, looking for new ways to transfer dollars into Illinois Governors� war chests.
One promising idea involves copyrighting the name �Illinois,� charging a royalty whenever it is used and then laundering the cash through state-sponsored ethanol purchases. Sadly, the amount of ethanol consumed by lobbyists in Springfield currently exceeds the state�s production capacity, but additional subsidies to ethanol producers may solve the problem.
In the mean time, we have five candidates, four Republican and one Democratic-vying for the state�s top spot. Since nobody has the time or the inclination to learn what each of them stand for, and since they all pretty much say the same thing anyway, here�s your handy thumbnail guide to this year�s gubernatorial hopefuls:
Republican:
Jim Oberweis�The dairy magnate has made a valiant effort to soften his image after his last unsuccessful bid for public office. His new slogan: Vote Oberweis Lite�50 Percent Less Lunacy!� holds promise of attracting a broad coalition. It is also rumored th at the candidate is considering reducing his demands for an Illinois Air Force by two dozen helicopters.
Ron Gidwitz�The darling of the Botox Survivors voting bloc, Gidwitz is best known for having no identifiable facial expressions. Vicous conspiracy theories attribute this to Gidwitz being born in another galaxy, where his name is roughly translated as �Freaky Alien.� This is not true. Gidwitz�s face was actually frozen in a permanent scowl during a tragic Driver�s License photo session.
Judy Baar-Topinka�Also known as �The Last Illinois Republican Standing,� the State Treasurer has survived both the Ryan scandal and the Blagojovich election through the innovative strategy of not actually understanding how the state works. The standard Topinka answer to any question �we�ll put together a coalition� is shorthand for �maybe if we get enough people in a room, somebody will figure out this crap,� Now that�s a leader.
Bob Brady�The former JC Penney underwear model made his mark by being the best-looking of all Republican candidates, which � admittedly � isn�t saying a whole lot. Brady also appears to have an actual sense of humor, which further separates him from the pack. Still, GOP strategists worry that his hair isn�t quite thick enough to overcome the incumbent�s commanding lead in that all-important special-interest group.
Democrats:
Rod Blagojovich�With the State split down the middle on the vital issue of retaining Chief Illiniwek as mascot at the U of I, Rockin� Rod has come up with a brilliant compromise that will form the foundation of his campaign. The guv�s proposal will establish �Big Chief Crazy Hair� as the university�s new mascot, with Rod himself assuming the role. Between that idea and a campaign war chest that currently exceeds the Gross Domestic Product of Brazil, many political strategists believe that Blagojovich is unbeatable.
The other possibility, beyond the hopefuls of the traditional parties, is that Illinois voters may simply cut to the chase and elect the Governor of Wisconsin as chief executive in the Prairie State. Seeing as how that�s where all the jobs seem to be going anyway, that may not be such a bad idea.