A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
And Nothing But The Truth
The state of the world, as we know it:
�Barack is running for president. Everything will be OK now. We don�t know exactly why, but it will.
�It is apparently racist to suggest that Barack is not a nutball on the order of Al Sharpton, Shirley Chishom and Jesse Jackson. Such suggestions either demeans Barack, or lowers the bar for an entire race. We�re still not sure which, but it�s a question that will keep Joe Biden up for some time to come.
�The fact that an ex-NBA player is gay is a matter of vital national importance. Why anybody in the world cares about who sticks what where is still a mystery to me, but I seem to be in the minority on this one.
�The late Anna Nicole Smith apparently slept with every male in the free world. I don�t recall sleeping with her myself, but it seems like putting in a paternity claim might be prudent anyway. The odds have got to be better than playing the Lottery.
�Iran�s interest in developing a nuclear capability is purely peaceful. It has nothing to do with all of that stuff that Iran�s president has said about wanting to destroy Israel. Nothing at all.
�Everything and anything can/ should be blamed on global warming. A growing Antarctic ice cap? Natural, inevitable coastal erosion? Even unseasonably frigid weather. It�s all global warming. We know this because Al Gore says so. And he invented the Internet, so it must be true.
�In this Age of Fear, nothing is a more entertaining symbol than the SUV. Enviro-heads want us to be afraid of them because they use way too much of our natural resources. Yet that other fear, of dying in a horrible traffic accident, motivates millions to keep buying them.
Which fear will win? Who knows, but the phrase �you reap what you sow� seems to be especially apropos in this case.
�Barry Bonds will break Major League baseball�s lifetime home run record sometime this year. If we live in a just world, Hank Aarron will leap out of the stands and level Bonds with a well-placed right hook just before Mr. Steroids crosses home plate.
�Brittney Spears shaved her head, for reasons unknown. It�s not attempted suicide, but it�s about as loud of a cry for help as you can get�short of actually tattooing the words �I�m out of control� on her scalp.
�A United States senator is pushing to turn the state he represents in a semi-autonomous, pseudo nation, which would be run by people who could prove they are members of a particular race. And who wants to revive fascism on a small scale? No, it�s not a right-wing nutball hoping to turn some southern state into a whites-only Republic. It�s a senator from Hawaii, and he�s a Democrat, so nobody�least of all the mainstream media�seems to care.
�Chief Illiniwek will dance no more, at least not officially. The chances of some disgruntled Illini alumnus showing up at Illinois games in full Chief gear? Approximately 99 percent. The chances of said alum making it into an Illinois game? Your humble correspondent has a better chance of winning the Miss America contest. (Though I do have the legs for it...)
�It�s not often that left and right wings agree, but the Congressional resolution expressing disapproval of the troop surge in Iraq is one of those rare instances. It�s just weak. If Madame Pelosi, et al, want to get out of Iraq, then they should vote to cut off funding, and live with the consequences. That�s one bit of logic that both John McCain and Michael Moore can agree with.
�There�s absolutely nothing wrong with having �Black History Month.� It�s actually a pretty good thing. But we�d be a lot better off if understanding history�of all sorts�wasn�t relegated to �special occasion� status.
�Local politics just gets weirder and weirder. Marilyn Froelich, the wife of Schaumburg Township Republican Committeeman Paul Froelich, circulated nominating petitions for Jim Dasakis, who is running for a spot on the Hoffman Estates Park District board. And, oh yeah, Dasakis is the Democrat Committeeman in Hanover Township. Wonder how Mike Kelly feels about that?
Actually, he�s probably not surprised.
�A leading meteorologist (who does not deserve to have her name mentioned in this, or any other, paper) called for revocation of her colleagues� credentials, unless they profess to believe in global warming. As Monty Python observed: nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
�The economy is absolutely smokin�. This used to matter. For some reason, which I do not fathom, this does not matter any more.
�Claiming that tax-cuts have had anything to do with the above, and the subsequent jump in tax revenue, automatically makes one a right-wing whacko. But you know what? Tax cuts have everything to do with it. Sorry.
�If your world-view is limited to Iraq and if you have therefore convinced yourself that America is the cause of (rather than responding to) radical Islam extremists, consider this: As we speak, radical Muslims are fighting Bhuddists, Hindus and Jews across the globe. They are responsible for unrest in Sudan, the Philippines, the Balkans and the Ivory Coast. When you look at the list of wars, insurrections and revolts going on in the world today, the phrase �radical Islam� appears on one side the vast majority of the time. For a �religion of peace,� Islam sure is involved in a lot of bloodshed.
�And finally, while the above words can be printed in The Examiner, none of those would be reproduced in the average college newspaper today. In the modern, collegiate world, �tolerance� means that every view is welcome, so long as those views coincide with the educational establishment�s view of the world.
Lovely world, ain�t it?
