A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
What They're Thinking
You�ve always wanted to get into their heads didn�t you? Here�s what they�re thinking:
Your Dog:
Oh God! Oh God! That smells like�wait�let me check�yeah�I think it�s�wait a minute�what�s that?! Oh God! That�oh yeah�I haven�t smelled
a butt like that before! Now if I can just wedge my nose in there good and.... Hey! What the hell is your problem? Oh God! There�s the evil killer postman again! Damn him. Well it�s time you met Mr. Fangs you bastard. I�m gonna rip your frigging throat�
Ouch!
Who put the door there?
Your Cat:
Yawwnn. Strettcchh. Who rang that stupid dog�s alarm clock? How�s a guy supposed to get his eighteen hours with all that racket going on? Oh looky here, little Miss Mommy-Pants wants to pet me. Piss off. And break out the can opener while you�re at it. Do you expect me to eat the swill in this bowl? It�s like two hours old for crying out loud. What do you think this is, Survivor? Ah screw it. That�s a world-class hairball coming on. Now to find the perfect spot...
Your Fish:
I swear to all that�s good and holy, if I ever get out of here, I will have my revenge!
Your Wife :
What did he mean by that? Was he serious, or was he trying to be funny? Or maybe he�s doing that thing again where he tries to make me think he�s being funny so he can be serious, only I don�t know it. Hmmm. I wonder what Oprah would say? He�s trying to get away with something, isn�t he? That has to be it. What is he trying to get away with this time? What the�Oh crap. This dress doesn�t make my butt look fat. My butt is fat. Crap. Where�s the chocolate?
Your Husband:
Let�s see. A little to the right. A little more. No, just a tad to the left. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That�s the spot. Oh yeah. This is the best scratch ever.
The Cashier at the Drive-Thru:
Two more hours and I�ll be able to afford that cute pair of jeans. What? Did he say fries or onion rings? Oh who cares? What time is it anyway? I can not get out of here soon enough. Change? Didn�t I give this moron his change already? Whatever I can�t wait til I�m working for MTV...
Your Local News Anchor:
I don�t think this tie goes with this suit.
Wait - who said that?!
A Typical Professional Athlete:
OK. If I lean just a little this way. Oh yeah. That�s it. Damn I look hot. This has to be worth an extra two million a year, easy. Hmm. What kind of quote do I give the press? Should I go with �sound good-say nothing� or �heartwarming yet insincere.� Tough call. I�ll have to think on that. Oh crap�here comes the ball...
A Typical Politician:
See �A Typical Professional Athlete.�
Your Kids:
How is it even possible that I share genetic material with these morons? Only 748 days, nine hours and 11 minutes til I can get the hell out of here. People this stupid shouldn�t be allowed to have sex. Ewww! I just thought of them having sex. Think of something else�think of something else. Maybe I should just play some music. Let�s see here, what do they really hate?
God:.
What was I thinking?