A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
Under the Tree
Merry Christmas dear readers, or, for you non-Christian readers: Merry Christmas in a non-denominational sort of way. Let�s all just enjoy the day OK? And, most importantly, let�s get right to the gifts.
Here�s what everyone is hoping to find (or should be hoping to find) under their Christmas tree, or under their Festivus Pole, or whatever:
The Chicago Cubs: A starting rotation.
The Chicago White Sox: Business as usual on the North Side.
Governor Rod Blagojevich: Quality legal help.
Cook County Board President Todd Stroger: A Steve Erkel t-shirt.
The City of St. Charles: Anything but another friggen antique shop.
The Bartlett Fire Protection District: You already got your referendum� don�t push it.
The Village of Wayne: The 20th century. (Trying for the 21st would really be too much to ask.)
Illinois Republicans: For Judy Baar-Topinka to switch parties. Quickly.
Britney Spears: Based on the photos that have been circulating on the web, she�s badly in need of a pair of undies.
Senator Bharak Obaman: Some form of actual accomplishment�any old thing at all will do.
Michael Moore: A bucket of chicken. Perhaps two.
Oprah: Relevance.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley: A state government that will be at his beck and call, and that will fund every project he could possibly imagine. Oh wait�we�ve already given him that! My bad.
The People of Sudan, Cuba and North Korea: One-tenth of the righteous indignation that liberals and the press reserve for �human rights� violations of terrorists detained at Gitmo.
The Women of Iran, Saudi Arabia and Yemen: A shred of human dignity.
Brian Urlacher: Absolutely anything he wants.
Jamie Lee Curtis: An evening with Chicagoland�s most talented, and best looking newspaper columnist.
Mike Noland: Anger management classes.
Billie Roth: A pair of platform shoes.
Senator John Millner: Somebody to talk to in Springfield.
Parents Everywhere: Kids who get straight As, stay out of trouble and are always respectful. Har-har-har! Just kidding. We know that such children don�t actually exist.
The People of Iraq: That each and every suicide bomber punches their ticket to Paradise at the same time.
The Bush Administration: See above.
Al Gore: A healthy dose of reality.
The Kennedy Family: No cooberating witnesses.
The Village of Schaumburg: That IKEA adopts a slightly less offensive color scheme.
The American Literary Public: No further attempts by OJ Simpson to become an author�of anything�ever.
Television Viewers: That we aren�t subjected to �Barbequing With The Stars,� �Curling With The Stars,� or �Flinging Dung With The Stars� in 2007.
Tom Cruise: A Prozac prescription and a pair of elevator shoes.
Rex Grossman: A quarterback rating that exceeds his uniform number.
Illinois Senate President Emil Jones: A translator.
Tiger Woods: The best golfer in the world? A drop-dead gorgeous wife?
And five bazillion dollars? Tiger�s spot under the tree is full folks.
Ben Wallace: A headband (duh).
Dick Cheny: Better aim.
Harmonica Players: More airtime.
Victoria�s Secret Models: The ability to smile.
Police Officers: It would be too easy to say �a dozen doughnuts,� so we won�t suggest it.
Firefighters: Same as police officers, but double the load. (Lot more down time to deal with, don�t you know?)
Attorneys: The 48-hour, 100 percent billable day. Granted, many have received this gift already, but shouldn�t we spread the love around?
Victor Santana: A conviction-free year. And shadows�lots of shadows.
Brewing companies: An expanded bar tab for your humble correspondent.
The Examiner Editorial Staff: A year in which the words �poop,� �Goober,� �ain�t� and �booger-head� don�t appear in your�s truly�s column. This is not likely to happen, but Christmas is all about hope, ain�t it?
Examiner Readers: The most exciting �Police Reports� ever. (Yeah, we know what you read folks).
Examiner Readers, No Joshing: Peace on earth and good will towards man. (The classics never go out of style)
