A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
Illinois Primer
Welcome to Illinois! We hope you�ll enjoy your visit to the Prairie State, and we hope that this informational session will help enhance your experience in the Land of Lincoln.
If you�re a state contractor who has contributed $50,000 or more to Friends of Rod Blagojevich, please proceed to the express lane on your right. You�ll find a pre-printed contract waiting for you. Please fill in the preferred �length of contract� and �contract value� portions of the form.
You may also choose the �auto-renewal� option, but please note that you must set up an auto-payment of at least $25,000 if you decide this choice. The governor appreciates your support! Really!
Since you�ve chosen to enter the state through Cook County, we will require a $2,000 deposit to be applied to tobacco taxes in the event that you purchase tobacco products. This deposit will cover approximately three and one-quarter packs worth of cigarette taxes. If you believe that you might wish to purchase more tobacco products in Cook County, please visit our loan department in aisle eight.
Please understand that we don�t encourage the use of tobacco products (you want one, don�t you?). Smoking is bad! (Buy a pack�right now!) It�s a filthy habit (Winston tastes good, like a cigarette should!) and it lowers life expectancy (oh yeah�take a deep drag�that�s it�you know how good that feels...). Help us help you. (Who cares�we�re all gonna die sometime. Light up!)
You should also note that if you buy tobacco products in Cook County, you won�t be allowed to use those products in Cook County. If you want to smoke, please do so in the State of Indiana.
If you�re here to get an abortion, please proceed to aisle four, where you�ll receive the �Out of State Abortion Form.� We�ve made this easy for you. Simply sign the pre-printed form, or mark it with an �X,� and proceed to the abortion clinic of your choice. Maps to Illinois abortion clinics, along with hours of operation, are available at our pro-choice customer service counter.
Minors looking for an abortion may move to the front of the line. We�re here to take care of you, so don�t expect any of those annoying parental consent forms that you�ll find in other states.
If you are the parent of a minor seeking an abortion, you will be required to fill out the �Waiver of Parental Consent Form� before you can enter the state. If you refuse to do so, you will be required to return to your state of origin.
If you are visiting Illinois in order to receive health care, you�ve come to the right place. Out-of-state, and illegal immigrants may proceed directly to the front of the line. We�ve greatly simplified the process, so you don�t have to produce those tedious forms of identification that other states require.
Instead, you merely have to sign the �I Don�t Have Any Proof that I�ve Paid Any Taxes in Illinois During My Natural Life� form and you will be good to go. The citizens of Illinois welcome you, and we�re very happy to provide you with the fruits of all of our tax dollars.
Enjoy! Enjoy!
Industrial developers wishing to bild a new plant in Illinois should make their way to the �Liability Room,� where you�ll begin a seventeen step tutorial that describes how you can reap the rewards of business ownership in the Prairie State.
In the Liability Room, you�ll learn all about our progressive personal injury policies, which are guaranteed to ensure that you won�t have any sleepless nights worrying whether you�ve paid your full share of liability insurance coverage. Illinois is �the state� for lawsuits, so you can be comfortable putting a local law firm on permanent retainer. (Discounts available for �Friends of Blagojevich�!)
From there, you�ll proceed to the �Fees and Taxes Carousel� where our trained professionals will help you mix and match the right combination of surcharges, hidden fees and taxes that are right for you. We�ve put together a handy database that will help you manage this information and pay your bills online. Credit cards accepted!
If you�re a health care provider, don�t forget to stop at the �Wheel of Medicaid Fortune.� We�re using this exciting new tool to determine which health care providers get paid from our dwindling Medicaid funds.
Give it a shot! If you�re lucky, you might get your money with nine months of providing services!
Finally, educators are encouraged to visit �Retirement Funds Pavilion.� There you will learn all about the wonderful projects in the City of Chicago that your retirement dollars will help fund. Talk about improving your self-esteem! What other state can offer you the chance to enhance the prestige of Richie Daley, Mike Madigan and Emil Jones? If you�re feeling really lucky, make a wish and toss a few dollars down the �Illinois� Pension Fund Toilet Bowl.� Dreams do come true!
We sincerely hope that you enjoy your visit to our wonderful state. Come back soon and don�t forget your checkbook!
