A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
Rejection Hurts
It�s a shame that Fox decided not to run with the O.J. �If I Did It� interview special. What fun that would have been. We hope that O.J. isn�t so depressed that he�s unable to continue the important work of tracking down the �real killer.�
But really, he shouldn�t feel bad. He really shouldn�t. Everyone gets rejected, even fabulously talented authors who write for your hometown newspaper. Just consider:
Dear Mr. Trzupeck:
Thank you for your recent manuscript submission. We apologize for not responding to you earlier, owing to the large number of submissions we receive here at �Lifetime.�
Your made-for-TV movie script, �Soccer Moms from Hell� is certainly an interesting concept, but unfortunately we don�t feel that it�s a good fit for us.
We should also mention that, while we do not discriminate against any authors, we do have a preferred profile. Please see our website for details, and, if you ever do have a sex change, many a cheating leach whom you subsequently murder due to your hormonal imbalance and find a loving lesbian partner afterwards, please feel free to contact us again.
Sincerely,
Lifetime Television
And then there�s this one:
Dear Infidel:
Here at Al Jazeera every author�s work is very carefully reviewed by our council of religious scholars. Your article, �My Travels in Saudi Arabia, or What the Hell is Wrong with These People?� has been decreed �Offensive to God.�Accordingly, we regret that we will be unable to publish it.
However, our council of religious scholars is very interested in speaking with you in the very near future. Just for a little talk.
Really. Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.
All Praise to God,
Al Jazeera
Then we have this:
Mr. Troopek:
Do not write me again. I�m serious. I have contacted my attorneys and I will file for a restraining order. I repeat: DO NOT Write Me Again.
And please�get help�soon.
Jamie Lee Curtis.
There�s more:
Dear Ronald Trupack:
We appreciate contributions from all of our supporters, but we do not feel that your article �Death to All Cubs Fans� is appropriate for the Chicago White Sox 2007 Media Guide. As you know, we try to cultivate a family atmosphere at our ballpark and your piece, though entertaining, would be viewed as being a bit inflammatory in certain quarters.
You will find enclosed two half-price ticket vouchers, which are redeemable for upper deck seats in any game versus the Royals or Devil Rays. Provided it�s not a weekend game of course. Oh, and you can�t use them if the game is sold-out. Please accept these vouchers with our sincere appreciation. We look forward to seeing you at the ballpark in 2007!
Very truly yours,
The Chicago White Sox
And more:
Dear Right-Wing Crackpot:
We apologize for not preparing a more personal letter, but the sheer volume of Op-Ed submissions that we receive at the New York Times makes it impossible to respond to each author personally.
It is the policy of the New York Times not to publish opinion pieces authored by certain types of correspondents. Possible reasons for rejection of your submission include: 1) you have voted in a Republican primary in the last 30 years; 2) you have attempted to argue against one of our �approved editorial positions� (such as attempting to cast doubt on global warming, or trying to support President Bush, etc.); 3) you have tried to present a right-wing argument without sounding like a crazed fanatic; or 4) you failed to use the phrase �and the responsibility for this fiasco lies squarely at the feet of the President� when describing any mistakes, failures or natural disasters.
You should review your manuscript to determine which policy guidelines you violated.
Thanks again for your submission. We wish you luck in placing it in a suitable publication�preferably one that nobody reads and/or that we can dismiss as a bunch of fanatic blowhards with access to a printing press.
Respectfully,
The New York Times
�All the News That (We Find) Fit to Print�
And finally:
Dear sir,
Thank you for your willingness to participate in clinical trials. Unfortunately, we will not be able to accommodate your request, for the following reasons:
1.) �Viagra�� Clinical trials of this product ended several years ago.
2.) �Super-Duper Knock Her Socks Off Viagra�� That product was not found in our data base.
We appreciate your willingness to be part of our research and hope that you will contact us again when a suitable opportunity arises.
Sincerely,
Pfizer Pharmaceuticals
