A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
2006 Election Awards
Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to The Examiner�s 2006 Prairie State Election Awards. The envelopes please...
The Loneliest Guy in Springfield Award: We have a tie, between Senator John Millner and Representative Randy Ramey, two local Republicans who managed to eek out victories in the midst of the Democrat tsunami, largely owing to the fact that they had no opposition. We hope that Millner and Ramey can take up an enjoyable hobby so they�re not bored to tears as Illinois Dems figure out new ways to send more cash to Chicago.
The Most Out-of-Place Democrat Award: Once again, this prestigious award goes to Comptroller Dan Hynes who, by all indications, performs his job with integrity and skill. He is one of few Illinois Dems to consistently earn a Cheap Seats vote, although how he can come to work every day with Blago and his gang of thieves running the show defies imagination. He must be used to the smell by now. Hopefully none of it will rub off.
The Most Tired Catch-Phrase Ever Award: This is a no-brainer (pun intended). �What was she (or he) thinking?� got old on like, day two of the campaign. It was marginally preferable to �nyah, nyah�you�re a poo-poo head,� but just barely.
The Thanks a Bunch Uncle Sam Award: This one goes to the U.S. Postal Service, which single-handedly managed to annoy every candidate and voter in the northwest suburbs. Though candidates carefully planned mailing campaigns to deliver literature to voters at a reasonable pace, the Post Office decided to accumulate mailers and deliver them in massive bunches instead. This made voters crabby. They naturally blamed it on the candidates, who�in turn�knew the real story, but were helpless to do anything about it.
Which leads us to conclude that the Post Office�s creed will be amended for the new millennium. To wit: �Neither rain, now snow, nor gloom of night shall stay this carrier from completing his appointed rounds�eventually.�
The Mr. Furious Award for Distinguished Meltdowns: The new Senator for the 22nd District, Mike Noland, earns this one for going postal after your humble correspondent completed a radio interview on WRMN with his opponent, Billie Roth, and Senator Steve Rauschenberger. At the conclusion of the paid political spot, Noland came storming up Douglas Street in South Elgin, beet-red, with steam pouring out of his ears.
He insulted Rauschenberger for daring to support Roth, then turned to yours truly, hurled some more insults and concluded by screaming: �I�ll take care of YOU after the election.� He did not actually add �and your little dog too,� but if you see flying monkeys passing overhead in the coming weeks, you�ll know where they�re headed.
It was a first. Veteran readers know that local public figures like Steve Rauschenberger, Cathy Melchert, Pate Phillip and even Billie Roth have all taken shots on page eight. All have been gracious, or at least indifferent, afterward. Shoot, even Brian McGuire�who was absolutely skewered in this column�never went nuts, and he even laughs about it today. Noland is a bit more�ummm��interesting.� But, on the plus side, there are sure to be some awfully good sound bites in our future.
The �Is That a Bullseye On My Back?� Award: Or perhaps we should call it the �Ten Little Indians� Award. Either way State Representative Ruth Munson gets this one. Yes she won her race. She also won it against a Democrat candidate who had no funding, knew nothing about the issues and campaigned like she had overdosed on Prozac. Even then, Munson barely won. Look out Ruth�they�re coming for you next.
The Most Uninspiring Candidate Award: You�d kinda figure that a Governor under multiple investigations for wrong-doing, who has seen his lieutenants get indicted and who has managed to destroy the state pension fund and run up record deficits would be beatable. At the very least, you�d think that Republicans could find a candidate who could make a contest of it.
You�d think so, but the Illinois version of the GOP committed political hari-kari by picking a nominee with all the appeal of a fresh hairball. Judy Baar-Topinka had the singular ability to negate every possible advantage she might have realized. As a speaker, she defined �mundane.� As a Republican, she defined �mushy.� And, as a woman, she defined �frumpy,� Illinois Republicans would have done better to run a cardboard cut-out of Judy Baar-Topinka instead of the real thing�not that there�s a lot of difference between the two.
The Undistinguished Party Service Award: The Republican Committeeman in Schaumburg, Paul Froelich, managed to deliver his township�for the Democrats. Oh, but it was a Democrat year you say? Yeah, but wouldn�t you think that Schaumburg Township, with Schaumburg and Hoffman Estates, would be a bit more upscale than�oh�Hanover Township, with Streamwood, Hanover Park and Elgin? Mike Kelly delivered in Hanover.
Froelich? Oh well...
But then Schaumburg Township is a mess to begin with. Froelich is a pal of power-broker and professional shady-character Victor Santana, who backed Fred Crespo in race for the House, while Crespo used to be a Republican, and was seen around town hanging with Hoffman Estates Village President Bill McLeod, who supposedly backed the GOP ticket, and�well, you get the picture. Politics in Schaumburg Township don�t have much to do with principle�with the possible exception of Schaumburg Village President Al Larson, who will never climb down from his lofty position in his glorious ivory tower long enough to do anything important regionally anyway.
Ah, but what an entertaining election it�s been. Thank you for attending the awards folks. We�ll see you in two years!
