| EXAMINER PUBLICATIONS - JAUNUARY 11, 2006 A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS By Rich Trzupek 2005 And that�s another 365 folks, either on the books or down the tubes, depending on your particular shade of rose-colored glasses. For the mighty Examiner it was another triumphal year, as we annexed South Elgin into Examinerland and the other newspapers shuddered. As did the folks at Merriam-Webster. Above all it was an exciting year. Change was in the air and, as we do in every first-of-the-year edition of the Cheap Seats, it�s our pleasure to give you a fond look back at the year that was. January: In his continuing effort to balance the state budget by driving all of those pesky employers and employees across the border, thus eliminating the need to provide costly services, Governor Rod Blagojevich raises business fees by over $2 billion. An enthusiastic General Assembly immediately introduces legislation to declare the governor�s hair a natural landmark. February: Inspired by the guv, Cook County Board President John Stroger contemplates a new tax on cigarettes that will be payable in gold dubloons. The Bartlett Village Board rejects a proposal to build a floral shop downtown, declaring that flowers �are just too stinky.� March: Responding to the construction of a Super Target in Streamwood, the Village Board in South Elgin unanimously votes to rename their town�s store �Super-Duper Target.� Shoppers flock to South Elgin. Hoping to settle a lawsuit filed by former Police Chief Don Shaw, after having failed to placate Shaw by retaining him as a sergeant, the City of St. Charles offers Shaw a job on the switchboard and a case of doughnuts. Shaw turns down the offer when no French crullers are included in the deal. April: Plans to build a new jail in Kane County hit a roadblock as opponents demand to see plans to build a new jail that�s in the planning stage. �How can we consider planning when we haven�t considered it yet?� an opposition spokesman wondered on behalf of the Committee for Circular Logic. May: Responding to South Elgin�s challenge, Streamwood renames their mega-store Superer-Duperer Target. Shoppers return to Route 59 en masse. As investigation into their last governor�s alleged corruption gain steam, Illinois Republicans decide to call themselves the �Remember How Good Life Was Under Jim Edgar?� party. June: Chicago sports radio jock Mike North enrolls in an English as a Second Language class.Listeners rejoice. Both of them. In downtown Bartlett, police crossing guards�in between stints of wondering why they went through years of police training to perform a job normally executed by 12-year-olds and housewives�remind motorists to wear clean jammies and eat their vegetables. The City of St. Charles denies reports that it has contacted Manpower, Inc. to check the availbility of hiring Police Chief temps on a weekly basis. July: In Washington, Democrats demand a gradual pull-out of American troops from Iraq. They forget, however, to demand a pull-out of suicide-bombers from the country at the same time. Governor Blagojevich initiates a new incentive program, whereby each and every contributor to his campaign will be awarded a gift certificate good for five no-bid state contracts. August: The Sox swoon. Cubs fans rejoice. Corey Patterson sets a new major league record by striking out four times during a game in which he wasn�t actually in the line-up. The Bartlett Village Board rejects an audiologist�s application to build an office downtown, concerned that ear-wax waste may destroy the character of the uninhabited commercial strip. September: Responding to Streamood�s challenge, the South Elgin Village Board votes to call their Randall Road store �Shop at our Super Target and Nobody Gets Hurt.� In a far-sighted bid to raise revenues and protect public health, Cook County Board President John Stroger puts forth a bold new cigarette tax proposal. The county will limit cigarette sales to one pack per year, beginning in 2006. The price of that pack will be $250 million. October: Streamwood Village President Billie Roth announces that she will run for Steve Rauschenberger�s Senate seat. Streamwood trustees are soon observed shopping for new chairs at Thrones R Us. Former St. Charles Police Chief Don Shaw rejects the City�s latest settlement offer, consisting of a replica badge and a slightly used Mars light. The White sox win the World Series. Chicago enters the Guiness Book of World Records as the municipality with the largest number of residents uttering the words �oh my God� at the same time. November: Plans to open the Stearns Road Bridge over the Fox in 2010 are finalized. Motorists in St. Charles and South Elgin line up on Stearns and on McDonald to cut down on their commuting time to four years. The Village of Wayne places an advertisement in Soldier of Fortune for an underwater demolitions expert. December: School District U-46 announces plans to issue $30 million worth of bonds, not subject to taxpayer approval, to pay for safety improvements. Proposed safety improvements includes building repairs, hiring employees, purchasing UL-approved gold watches and paying for any items that have the letters S, A, F, E, T or Y in their names. A View from the Cheap Seats is named �Best Column in America� by the Association of Fanatic Sox Fans Who Love Wise-Ass Polocks. Hey, we�ll take whatever we can get. |