A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
2006 - The Year In Review
Time for another year in review? Seems like we jsut did this - 52 weeks ago. Oh well. Best get on with the show.
January
Bowing to the inevitable, the Federal Communications Commission declares that henceforth E-mail may only be used by male-enhancement products, �hot stock� tippers, and relative of dead, exiled Nigerean millionaires.
Horrified by robust economic growth, administration opponents declare 2006 �The Year of Misery�, calling on all Americans to burn their paychecks to protest lower tax rates.
February
Panic in the sedative-manufacturing industry as Michael Noland prepares to take his third run for state office, temporarily emptying the nation�s Strategic Prozac Reserve in an effort to keep himself from throwing any hissy fits till after the General Election.
Declassified government documents confirm what many Fox Valley residents had long suspected: the tower at St. Charles City Hall is actually an ancient alien spacecraft, captured intact by the U.S. Air Force in Roswell, New Mexico in 1954.
March
Concerned that the village will fall behind in the regional space race, but not wishing to step out of character, the Wayne Village Board announces plans to launch the first horse into low earth orbit, via giant catapult. Ever-mindful of the town�s budget, Trustee Howard Levine sponsors an ordinance that decrees the device shall be constructed entirely from speeding tickets issued to motorists using Army Trail, laminated together. (The tickets that is, not the motorists.)
April
With unemployment rates lower than they were during the reign of St. Clinton, administration opponents gnash their teeth to nubs, creating a massive surge in the nationwide demand for dentists. Liberal bloggers cite the numbers as further proof of the end of life as we know it.
May
In a clever bit of campaign strategy, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich announces that he will create the position of �Gubernatorial Parole Officer� if elected. In response, his Republican opponent, Judy Baar Topinka, declares that she promises to buy even more horrific clothes if elected. Or maybe not even buy them�she will form a commission to explore the possibility of picking through dumpsters for her wardrobe. Blago, to no one�s surprise, surges in the polls.
June
The Bartlett Village Board announces that �it�s time for us to get some of that there culture.� The village announces the formation of the �Jed Clampett Memorial Commission� to explore the questions of what exactly culture is and how it might be obtained.
Faced with an alarming increase in revenue, Congress appropriates $250 billion to build the world�s longest stand-pipe and install the world�s most powerful sump pump in the city of New Orleans.
July
Still unable to spend every dollar it can tax, borrow or print, Congress appropriates $90 billion to study exactly what it is that Senator Barhak Obama does.
The Chicago Cubs, who were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs in April, attempt to diffuse months of controversy when they issue a press release declaring that Manager Dusty Baker is not actually deceased. Baseball falls remain largely unconvinced.
August
New York City Michael Bloomberg announces plans to ban trans fats, in order to protect residents from themselves. In the future, Bloomberg looks to outlaw anxiety, indecision, procrastination and general listlessness.
Looking to support its favored candidates, without scaring voters, the Illinois branch of the AFL-CIO issues a flyer endorsing senatorial candidate Michael Noland in which Noland�s actual picture is replaced by some dapper-looking fellow who bears no resemblance to Fred Flintstone. Unlike the rest of this column, we are not making this one up.
September
The Streamwood Park District decides to keep Aquarius Pool open, to be used either as a pool, or as a drain for floodwaters in the event of another hurricane hitting New Orleans.
The nation remembers the victims of September 11, pausing to reflect on the fact that there have been no domestic acts of terrorism in the five years since that awful day. Damn that Patriot Act!
October
Mike Noland�s head finally explodes.
November
Republicans get their butts royally kicked in elections at every level. We�re talking slaughter here. If Jesus H. Christ was a Republican candidate in 2006, He wouldn�t have gotten a vote for dog catcher (assuming that He didn�t get busted on ethics charges for the whole �miracle of the loaves and fishes� thing).
Cook County demonstrates why, some 30 years after the death of Richard J. Daley, it�s a very good thing to be a Democrat in Cook County. It�s the one place in the nation that the existing, ineffective party shill (John Stroger) can suffer an incapacitating stroke, still win the support of a local Democratic U.S. senator (Dick Durbin), bequeath the job to his goofy, unqualified son (Todd Stroger) and�to top it all of�the powers-that-be put over a 1,000 new employees on the payroll during a hiring freeze. How stupid are the unions in Cook County who support these idiots?
That stupid.
December
Following the coldest September and October in decades, global warming nuts declare that was all a result of global warming too. For global warming, it seems, can actually make things colder.
Alrighty then.
Having failed to offend viewers with bad acting for years, Michael Richards takes the extra step and finally manages to offend absolutely everybody. Note to Michael: if you don�t have my talent, don�t do stand up.
And speaking of lack of talent, welcome to a new year in the Cheap Seats. Let�s make it a fun one. If we don�t, the terrorists win.
