Disclaimers: I do not own the song nor dragonball- I only use them          

Pairing: Goku / Vegeta

Song: “By myswlf” by Linkin Park

Warnings: nothing really.. it’s just a bit sad…

What do I do to ignore them behind me?

 Do I follow my instincts blindly?

 Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams

 And give into sad thoughts that are maddening?

 Do I sit here and try to stand it?

Or do I try to catch them red-handed?

 Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness

Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?

 You are born... you grow up... you get old and then you die. This is life. On Vegeta-sei it had been different.. you have not really got old- the most have already died before they have reached the age of 45. But the thing, that had been the most different- we never fought each other... we only conquered others!

 Humans are so strange- so different from Saiyans.. but now I live among them. This whole planet and its inhabitants have changed me.. but most of all, him- Kakarott!

 You are only a third class baka... but nevertheless you are stronger than me!

 I always had difficulties showing my emotions- beside anger and bloodlust. But you.. your victory in our fight shattered my pride. I have been so near in giving up- but then my anger surfaced.

 I never told you what’s going on inside of me... why should I? You behave like a foolish human! Yet.. during our fights- I am able to see you Saiyan side.. deeply buried under a mask- similar to mine.

Although I have a family now... I do feel alone! Yes- I am able to feel, but I don’t show it..!

Because I can’t hold on when I’m streched so thin

I make the right moves but I’m lost within.

 I put on my daily facade but then

 I just end up getting hurt again

 By myself

 I ask why, but in my mind

I find I can’t rely on myself

 I can only laugh about your friends... these weaklings. They look up to you- like you are a hero! But you are only a Saiyan... right- you ask your villains if they would change.. or if they would just leave everything in peace.

Therefore, these humans admire you! Pah... no one would ever just say- hey, why not? Thank you, dear Goku! You’ve opened my eyes... goodbye!- or are they so silly? I do not know why you ask them.. but I know that you are certain that you are going to kill them.. it’s in your eyes!

Here I am.. thinking about you...! It’s paradox.. I am the Prince of all Saiyans- the heir of a race that does not even really exist anymore! You and I- we are the only ones left. And you do not even care!

 How I would wish to see your Saiyan Side surfacing... Why am I so afraid of you? Of telling you my feelings? Do I fear rejection? Yes... it is hard to admit.. but I fear it! I do not want to loose you- even if you act like a brainless idiot! But- I can’t tell you- instead I train as much as I can... to forget the inner pain!

Sometimes I would really just wish to tell you everything and then to cry in your arms...

I can’t hold on

[to what I want when I’m streched so thin]

It’s all too much to take in

I can’t hold on

 [to anything watching everything spin]

 with thoughts of failure sinking in.

 Everyday I see you... how you laugh... how everyone loves you. They are always telling me what I shall do.. “laugh more... why are you so stubborn..?” etc. I can’t hear it anymore. Mostly I only turn away and go on training.

Sometimes I feel your eyes on me- how they follow my moves. But I don’t dare to turn around to face you. Do you feel my nervousness? I hope not.. but in a way I also hope so!

The last time I am thinking a lot about me- about us... if the “us” even exists...!

 But.. with every day that passes- I feel how something in me dies.. more and more...! I have never felt this way before and I don’t know what to do.. when I hear you calling my name- my heart stops beating! And when I call you with your Saiyan name.. you smile at me! I am the only one who uses it... who is allowed to use it. I am your Prince and you should do what I say.. surprisingly you do that often enough.. as if you would enjoy following my commands.

I am so confused sometimes... I am not able to see through your mask.. unfortunately...! Is it my fault that you are living this way? Maybe... I could have taken you... a long time ago..!

 But I want you to give yourself to me.. perhaps this is my fault- that I am waiting for an impossible thing to happen...

If I turn my back I’m Defensless

And to go blindly seems senseless.

If I hide my pride and let it all go on

Then they’ll take from me till everything is gone.

 If I let them go I’ll be outdone

 But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun.

 If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer

Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer

[by myself]

 I have a picture of you and me in my room. Bulma once made it.

 I told her that I hide it in my desk.. because it is too embarrassing! But in fact... I love this picture- one of the few I smile on... Damn... I behave like a brainless idiot myself! I dream of you being with me and I am too afraid to tell you!

How many nights have I fallen asleep after minutes of crying? I do not remember... oh- how much I want you...! I know that you are the one who could bring warmth into my life..!

Every time I look at you- I ask myself if it could be possible for you to love me... but I get no answer... instead I train like an idiot to forget the pain of life..!

 Before I went to earth it had been that much easier... And now... all I can do is crying over my life... what am I now? Where has my pride gone to? So many questions... but I am not able to find any answers...

How do you think I’ve lost so much

I’m so afraid, I’m out of touch.

How do you expect I will know what to do

 When all I know

 is what you tell me to...

 Now I stand here.. alone in the garden. A soft wind brushes my face. I sigh and sit down in the grass. The sun is slowly setting... but my mind drifts up again..!

Can I see you again today? I hope so... but I am nearly sure. The last days you came more often, as if you could feel my inner cries. Yesterday, you really surprised me.. you told me that I can always tell you everything... then you kissed me! It was a short and shy kiss... but it was one.. and it brought me back to life.

But, despite that, I am somehow only able to do what you tell me... when those humans shout at me... I don’t care. But you.. you only have to say that you like flowers- and I would bring you some!

 My thoughts stop when I hear your footsteps on the grass. You sit down next to me... but you are silent. What do you want, Kakarott? I look up and blink as I notice that you have watched me the whole time. Then you smile

 “I worried about you, Vegeta.. you are so silent.. the last time!”

Haven’t I been silent before? You are worried about me? It feels like... a candle that was nearly burned down starts to catch fire again- when I hear those words.

“I’m fine..”

This is my only answer? Why do I pretend to be fine? I have only questions... and who can give me the answers?

 “Let me make it better...!”

 What? I look at you- surprised... ! Could it be?

“And tell me what you are thinking, Vegeta!”

 Your voice is only a whisper, but it sends shudders down my spine. Then you kiss me again and I am lost in your eyes. You damn Saiyan... you knew it all the time, ne? You made me think about it... so badly that it nearly destroyed me.. Love is a strange thing... I have no answers to my questions..! All I know is that I am now in your arms and that we kiss passionately...

Don’t you know

I can’t tell you how to make it go

 No matter what I do, how hard I try

 I can’t seem to convince myself why

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