olympic

In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2008, the organisers of Limerick's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Southill area), wearing the traditional costume of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask.
It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Limerick's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered lightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges,
gardens,fences walls etc.)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grevious bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelery as possible in 5 mins.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving squad car. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams,and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Carling while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a member of the rowing club, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing,
joy-riding and arson.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge into the Shannon. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.

MENS 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Limerick.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Limerick Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rockthrowing and music by the Limerick Boys Band. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.