So You've Shaved Your Legs

by Dan Schmalz

As a man, that's the first sure sign of joining the "bike cult." Once the leg hair goes, you've made a conscious decision to separate yourself from the rest of society. You are now willing to forgo askew glances at your silky smooth legs when you wear shorts. You get to repeat the phrase "It's for crashes, not aerodynamics" to whoever will listen. You've made a momentous decision, let me give you some advice for future encounters with the non-cycling public.

People don't care how hard your workout was, they only want to know how far you went. When asked "How far did you go today?" just automatically double your mileage for them. We need to keep up appearances for those non-cycling types and this is the only thing that impresses them.

(For the men) Real world women as a rule do not find cycling attire sexy. They will date you despite the fact you wear spandex not because you wear spandex. Any extra exposure they have of the sight of you in spandex drops your manliness quotient. Trust me on this.

(For the women) You're a physically-fit woman dressed in skin tight clothing in public; this will start most men's circuits to begin melting.

People who are dressed normally are uncomfortable riding in the elevator with you in your spandex. Just stare straight ahead.

There is only one cyclist in the world, Lance Armstrong. If asked what your races are like, say "I race bicycles, like the type Lance Armstrong races." Also, whenever possible state that you were in the same race as Lance (even if it was 1989) or say you raced against one of his teammates, it doesn't matter who you say it is, it could be Viatcheslav Ekimov or any other Postal rider. They won't know who you're talking about anyway.

Terms such as "criterium", "stage race", and "circuit race" don't register with most folks, replace them with the terms "bike race", "bike race", and finally, "bike race."

Unless it's the Tour, people don't even realize that there are other bike races. Professional fishing is carried on a popular basic cable channel, while bike races are carried on a little known cable network that isn't carried by a majority of providers. Plus, the races share time with rodeo, fishing and hunting shows.

No one cares if your teammate won because of your leadout. When asked how the race went, take the team's results as your own. No one double checks these things, and you can apologize to your teammate later.

If you do win a race after years of toil and suffering, this will register the same reaction as telling someone you refinanced your home loan. They're happy for you, but what's the big deal?

People only want to lift your bike, let them. And yes, bikes have 20 gears now.

Non-cyclist, "I have a: brother-in-law, cousin, uncle, friend (any of these) who races. Do you know him?"

Cyclist "Do you know which team he races for?"

Non-cyclist, "No, but he wears a blue jersey I think."

Do I sound bitter to you? I'm not; I've just come to a level of acceptance with the non-cycling world. We compete in a sport that is televised less than professional bowling, and to add insult to injury, I would bet that the number of people who have bowled more than quadruples the number of people who have raced a bicycle. Wait strike that, the number would probably be a hundred fold, I forgot about high school bowling classes.

Obscurity does have its advantages though. You can exaggerate your accomplishments, lead people to believe you are much fitter than you actually are, and you can pass yourself off as a close personal friend of Lance Armstrong, or if you're feeling really bold, tell people that you were once a teammate of his.

If you'll excuse me I have to go now. I have a streak of 10 wins in a row and have to complete a 100-mile training ride, besides Lance is waiting for me and he's never liked me being late for a training ride.