Travel to a race is always an adventure. But to increase the fun of travel exponentially, you may wish to give camping out a try. Below is a simplified guide to racing accommodations on the cheap. Use it at your own risk.

Site Selection:

The first key to proper pre-race camping is careful site selection.

Site-selection rule ONE: Grass is your friend. Soft, well-trimmed grass at the edge of playing fields works well, as do lawns of public facilities (for example, hospital grounds). Parks can also work, but beware of the local authorities.

Failing grass, any soft, level surface will do for pitching your cheap, department-store tent. Keep in mind that the goal of camping is "being thrifty" - which sounds much better than "being a cheap son-of-a-[expletive]" - not some pseudo-masculine demonstration of spartan discomfort tolerance. Just because you won't shell out for the Ramada, it doesn't mean that you need accidental spine re-alignment as you sleep.

Leveling is vitally important. There are few things more frustrating to your attempts at pre-race shuteye than the sensation that results from trying to sleep with you head downslope from your body. If you are being particularly "thrifty," and thus sharing a tent with a fellow athlete, the difficulties of rearranging your groggy selves in the dark can be enough to try even the best of friendships. In other words: feet down from the start.

Site-selection rule TWO: A tent may not even be required. One joy of camping comes in being closer to the race site than everyone who paid for the overpriced and reeking local motels.

Work outward from the transition area and parking area at the race site, looking for existing shelters into which you can tuck your sleeping bag. Many races, particularly smaller races, will be set at high schools. The dugouts for school baseball and softball fields are perfect for saving your "thrifty" behind the trouble of erecting a tent. Here again, beware the authorities. I once had a race director, who was camping his RV at the race site, walk over to my dugout flophouse with a flashlight. My guess is that he figured he was about to catch some teenagers having a good (read "illicit") time. When he instead found my fellow campers and I, he simply wished us good luck and walked away.

When given the dugout option, take note of the prevailing winds. I have stayed perfectly dry in pouring rain storms by picking the correct dugout. Any affinity you have for "home" or "visitor" designations is irrelevant next to nature's wrath.

If you are clever at being "thrifty," you may also find other ways to bring non-tent shelter with you. For example, you can become friends with fellow athletes who own vans. Then, "casually suggest" that they drive to the races with you in their van. Voil�, instant accommodations. There are other benefits to vans, and some drawbacks, as you will read later.

Site-Selection rule THREE: Observe and avoid the flow of all forms of traffic. In trying to get as close as possible to the race site or parking area, you may find yourself actually in the parking area. Some races, especially in rural areas, will use hayfields as parking lots. If this is the case, pitch your tent at the edge, preferably secluded and protected by large barriers like haybales. In a battle between an automobile and a cheap, department-store tent, the automobile always wins. Even car headlights can be enough trouble to make you lose sleep.

Traffic dangers do not stop at cars, however. One of my favorite race sites is on the grounds of an Irish American Home Club. On the night before the race - a Saturday night - the club is full to the limit with Irishmen, whiskey, and Guinness. I make it a point to set up camp away from the back of the parking lot, lest I have any stumbling visitors in the wee hours.

At another race site, on the sprawling grounds of a hospital, my tentmate and I found out the noisy way that we were too close to the emergency helicopter pad. The stand of pines between us and the helipad kept down the wind but not the death-from-above sounds (apologies to "Apocalypse Now").

Site Optimization:

By site optimization I mean doing the little things that make your carefully selected site the best it can be. (Yes, I know that "optimization" is annoying, but advice pieces need pretentious buzz words. There's a rule in another advice piece somewhere to that effect.)

Site Optimization rule ONE: Take insect precautions. This is where my earlier warning about vans comes into play. A van on a warm summer evening presents you with two sub-optimal choices: becoming mosquito-fodder or drowning in your own sweat. You'll know that you have a full-scale mosquito attack when you hear what sounds like a squadron of WWII Japanese Zero fighter planes in your ears. If you then choose to close the windows of the van, you have to kill the bloodsuckers that have already infiltrated, and you quickly create your own jungle-like microclimate within the van. I can tell you from firsthand experience that a temperature of 120°F, with saturation-point humidity, is not conducive to ideal race performance the next morning.

Good mosquito screening on your cheap, department-store tent works wonders. If you listen carefully, you can actually hear the little parasites bouncing off the outside of the tent. Use this sound as a soothing lullaby.

Site optimization rule TWO: Be mindful of your fellow campers when positioning yourself within the campsite. It's best not to infuriate anyone with whom you have to drive home, tired from racing, the next day.

And, being attuned to the needs of you fellow campers can be to your own benefit. For instance, watch your fellow campers through the day. Notice who among them tends to over-hydrate; you'll be able to tell by the water-bottles attached constantly to their hands. Position these people at the edge of your shelter (tent, van, dugout, teepee, etc.) closest to the portable toilets. That way your hydrophilic "friends" don't trip over you during their 3 a.m. porta-potty runs.

Site optimization rule THREE: Travel prepared for just about anything. Even if every weather forecast predicts a scorcher, bring the warmest sleeping bag you have. The night you choose to sleep outdoors in a thin fleece blanket will inevitably be unseasonably cold.

Even if you somehow fall asleep while shivering, you're more likely to be re-awakened if you're still cold. This is especially true when camping with others who willfully disregard the previous rule (mindfulness) and refuse to shut up or move quietly to the toilets. Your only recourse is to hope that there is a deep and wretched pit of the Inferno dedicated to such people. These thoughts can make you feel both vindicated and slightly warmer.

You should also have adequate supplies of food and drinking water. You never know whether either will be available on site. This is one of many tips I learned from a former travel companion who is now a professional athlete. He was fortunate enough to have a van, and he usually loaded it with plenty of provisions and a camp stove. However, he twice forgot to bring matches to light the camp stove, and he sometimes brought incongruous assortments of whatever food was left in his apartment. Canned tuna, rice, chili powder, and some sort of canned beans and lentils do not make for a gourmet feast, especially when prepared by the dim glow of a dying flashlight. Put your gastronomic comfort ahead of your trust in friends, or you may do irreparable harm to both.

Flashlights and batteries, as the preceding paragraph should indicate, are also necessities. Darkness compounds numerous inherent difficulties of camping by at least ten-fold. Good flashlights are also key to properly delivering your concocted ghost stories, which involve the athletes who disappeared, from this very campsite, back in the 1970s.

Site optimization rule FOUR: Limit the tear-down work you'll have to do the next day. This prevents you from having to either: a) get up earlier on race morning, or b) waste energy you don't have after the race. After all, one (good) reason you pitched a tent at the race site was the drastic reduction of race-morning travel. I love waking up ten minutes before registration and still being first in line. At any large race, you lose more than enough time waiting in line; don't let poor camp planning add to the loss.

Put in the tent only what you'll need immediately before or after sleep. Leave everything else in the car. Here again, a van can be a real help.

In any case, make mental notes of the jigsaw-puzzle system you used to pack all your gear in the car back home. Otherwise, you may be forced, in a haze of race-induced exhaustion, to abandon equipment at the race site. I am a very "thrifty" person, and I enjoy scavenging anything useful you've left behind. Leaving behind what you can't carry doesn't help you very much, however.

A Caveat:

This is at best a very rough outline of the joys of camping at athletic events. Don't blame me for pitfalls not mentioned here. Such pitfalls may include, but are not limited to: bears, drug traffickers, earthquakes, beings from other worlds/dimensions, escaped ax-murderers, and woodland gnomes (which can be a real adventure).

Finally, by actually following any of the above advice, you're admitting that you've made yourself a bigger fool than the author was for writing it.

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by Sparky Ion, February 2005