LESTER: Well, next up is the final match for the BWWa Sin City Deathmatch title. Les, who�s your money on?

LESLIE: Why would I tell you? You�ll just jinx me.

LESTER: Fine, be like that. My money is on American Gothic.

LESLIE: Well, I�ll tell you one thing, the special referee in this match is going to have something to do with whoever is the winner.

LESTER: That�s right, Phil McKracken will be the special referee in this match tonight. He has an interest in who the winner is as he will face that person in a rematch because when he won the CAL Tag Titles, due to BWWa policy, he was stripped of the title.

LESLIE: Who cares? He didn�t deserve it anyway. Alex Flare should still be the champ�

LESTER: If you say so�

LESLIE: Shut up! Let�s cut to the Home Depot to get this one underway.

[The camera cuts away from Leslie and Lester and opens in the parking of Home Depot. The camera pans around and stops on Phil and Boxcar Willie, both of which are wearing the black and white referee shirts. Phil smiles into the camera as does Willie, exposing his near toothless mouth.]

PHIL: B-Dub�ers! Are you ready to see the most Hardcore man on Earth in action?

[Crowd pops.]

PHIL: And, no, I�m not talking about American Gothic or Slava Yakolinov. I�m talking about yours truly, the most Hardcore man in Las Vegas, in the business, and in the world, me, Phil McKracken!

[Crowd pops.]

PHIL: Well, get ready because here we go�

[At the finish of that last line, a HUGE pyro explosion�]

#BOOM BOOM BOOM#

LESTER: Wow wee! I wonder what brought this on�

LESLIE: Well, Phil hasn�t been around in a while (thank God), so he needs some type of fuel to start back up to the ranks of champion, and that�s what it looks like he is doing.

PHIL: You want fair and impartial? Fine. You want hardcore? Then you�re in the right spot! First, up Slava Yakolinov!

[The camera pans around and stops on Slava. He�s wearing his Russian camo top with cargo pants. His balls up his fists and cracks his knuckles.]

PHIL: Oooooohhh, scary! Next, on this side, his opponent, American Gothic!

[The camera pans away from Phil and stops on American Gothic. He is wearing a black shirt, black jeans, and his red boots. He stands their in all his height and and just glares back at Slava.]

PHIL: Well, since these two charismatic fellows have introduced themselves, let�s begin. BUT FIRST, we�re going to have the one-legged sack race to the door. The winner gets a fifteen second head start into the store to find his weapons of choice.

LESLIE: You�re kidding me, right?

LESTER: Well, here in the BWWa, we are known for a lot of firsts. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just experienced another first. The first one-legged sack race in BWWa history.

PHIL: And, if our competitors feel like they shouldn�t participate in the race, they both will be automatically DQ�ed! So, you�re sacks are over there, gents.

[Slava and Gothic glare unlovingly at Phil, but comply with his request. Both men pick up potato sacks and put their right leg into them. Both men stand ready for the signal to go.]

PHIL: This race is a fifty-footer. The first one to the store gets the privilege of fifteen seconds to search the store for bludgeoning devices. Get on your mark! Get set! Go!

[Phil drops his arm and both men start hopping down the parking lot toward the store. Both men try to keep their balance as best as they can. Gothic, being 7�2�, falls down. Slava keeps going and keeps going faster.]

LESTER: Gothic is down and Slava is taking a commanding lead! Look at him go!

LESLIE: Yes, but Gothic is back up and heaving his way down the lot. Hey! What the�

[The camera cuts over to Boxcar Willie who is seated in a golf cart. The cart is running and Willie has a strange look on his face. He steps on the gas and takes off across the parking lot.]

LESTER: You�ve got to be kidding me! He�s gonna kill someone like that!

LESLIE: Hopefully himself�

[Slava doesn�t see Willie coming from his left side as he nears the front of the store. Willie gives out an evil cry and plows into Slava knocking him into Gothic�s lane.]

LESTER: GOOD GRAVY! I don�t believe what I�ve just seen! Boxcar Willie damn near severed Slava�s legs off as he came crashing into him with that golf cart! I�ve never seen anything like that!

LESLIE: Well, Willie walks away from that wreck okay, so my dreams have been crushed.

LESTER: That�s a terrible thing to wish upon someone.

LESLIE: Well, I guess I�m a terrible person.

LESTER: True that.

[Slava holds his right leg in pain from the collision. Gothic finally catches up to him and stops hopping. He drops a knee into the right leg of Slava who writhes further in pain.]

PHIL: Let�s go, Gothic. There�ll be plenty of that when someone reaches the store.

[Gothic shoots a look at Phil and gets hopping again. All of a sudden, tennis balls start flying in from Gothic�s right side.]

LESTER: Now, Boxcar Willie is throwing tennis balls at American Gothic. I kinda figured that Phil and Willie wouldn�t let this be a contest.

LESLIE: They need attention that�s why they�re doing this.

[Gothic, annoyed by the balls and unable to maintain his balance, falls over for the second time. Slava is finally able to get his feet and continues to hop, this time using his left leg.]

PHIL: DQ! Slava stop right there! You�re using your left leg. I strictly said that this was a RIGHT leg race. Gothic, you win the race by default. You know have fifteen seconds inside the Depot.

[All men approach the storefront. Phil pulls out a stopwatch from his shorts pocket.]

PHIL: Fifteen seconds, Gothic! Ready? GO!

[American Gothic takes off into the store, unable to be seen from the outside. Phil looks intently at his stopwatch with his right arm in the air.]

PHIL: Three! Two! One! GO!

[Phil drops his arm and Slava, to the best of his ability, runs into the store. Phil, Willie, and the camera follow in behind him. The inside of the store is unoccupied with the exception of a guy named Bruce, wearing his orange pouch thing, blue jeans, flannel shirt, and glasses. He has a button on his apron that reads �Can�t find it? Ask me.�]

LESTER: Everyone�s in the store, now we can expect the action.

LESLIE: You forget that McKracken is reffing. He�s gonna make quick work of this match.

[Gothic is in the lumber section, fumbling around with some wood. One falls on the floor and gives away his location. Slava hears the sound and runs toward it. On his way, he grabs a sixty foot garden hose.]

LESTER: Garden hose? You know that can�t be good.

LESLIE: Well, you can suck a golf ball through one from what I�ve heard�

LESTER: Ouch!

[Slava spots Gothic, but Gothic with 2 by 4 in hand, jabs Slava in the midsection, who doubles over in pain.]

LESTER: What a jab!

[CRAAAAAAAAACK!]

LESTER: Gothic just cracked that board over the back of Slava! That�s gotta hurt!

LESLIE: Hurts as good as a bullfrog getting shoved up your a�

LESTER: LESLIE!

[The camera cuts to Phil and Boxcar Willie who are thumb wrestling. Crashes and thuds are heard throughout the store, but both men pay them no attention.]

LESTER: Look at them! They aren�t doing their job.

LESLIE: Go figure.

LESTER: What a minute! Gothic with a lawn rake now from an aisle display rakes the eyes of Slava. The pain the agony�

LESLIE: Gothic goes for the cover, but Phil and Willie aren�t paying attention. Gothic yelling at Phil to come over to count, but Phil gives him the �I�m busy� hand wave.

LESTER: Gothic isn�t too happy about that one, and he stomps angrily over to Phil. Phil has his back turned toward him. Gothic comes up and shoves Phil in the back. Phil waves him off again. Another shove�another wave.

LESLIE: Gothic getting really frustrated here goes for a Headbutt, but nobody home!

LESTER: Hey, look at that! Gothic went for that Headbutt, got nothing, and now has a board stuck to his head! Willie and Phil put apoxy glue on that board and now it�s stuck to Gothic�s head.

LESLIE: I don�t think he can see now with that thing on his head.

LESTER: Me neither. Wait, Slava slowly to his feet still has that garden hose. He uncoils it and throws it in the direction of Gothic. It wraps around his right leg, and he hauls him down with a sickening thud.

LESLIE: And, I don�t think that board made that fall any better. Slava pulls Gothic toward him in the middle of an aisle. Gothic reaches for anything to stop his motion, but nothing there. Slava grabs Gothic�s legs and wraps him into a Boston Crab.

LESTER: I guess he�s trying to give some of that pain in the legs to Gothic. A smart move by Slava, also, grounding the big man.

[Willie taps Phil on the shoulder and points in the direction of Slava and Gothic. Phil rushes to his feet over to the men.]

LESTER: Now, Phil is going to get involved in the match. He checks Gothic, but Slava relinquishes the hold. Slava shoves Phil and shouts some words at him.

LESLIE: I don�t think Phil took kindly to that shove as he is now reminding Slava that he is the ref. What is going on now? Phil is stopping the match�

PHIL: Slava, I�m the ref, not your opponent. You don�t put your hands on an official. I�m banishing you to the garden section. You go now!

LESTER: I don�t believe this. Phil is sending Slava Yakolinov to the garden section of the Home Depot. American Gothic is helping himself to his feet slowly using the broken 2 by 4 that he cracked over Slava.

LESLIE: This is a mockery!

LESTER: Lord save the queen!

LESLIE: Are you still talking?

LESTER: Shut up, Leslie.

[Slava walks over to the garden center, and Boxcar Willie sneaks around shelves and displays not to be seen. Slava turns around and his blindsided by Boxcar Willie who nails him with a can of paint. The can bursts open and now Slava is covered in red paint.]

LESTER: Slava shows his true colors now, that red commie.

LESLIE: Communism is just a red herring.

LESTER: Eh?

LESLIE: Nevermind. Gothic now has a readily visible target now that Yakolinov is cherry red. Gothic sulks over to Slava, who lies on the ground hurting from that blast. Gothic grabs Slava by the throat and hauls him up into a chokeslam�

LESTER: Oh no! NOT THE�COMA WHITE! COMA WHITE! Damn it! I don�t believe this one is about to be over already! Gothic goes for the cover�where is McKracken?!

LESLIE: I don�t know, but he better gets over there soon�

[Just then, the lights go out in the Depot. Creaks and sounds are heard throughout the building. Then, a voice is heard over the store loudspeaker�]

PHIL: Attention, Home Depot shoppers! We have a special going on in the lumber section on brand new boards of all shapes and sizes. We have so many of them that we can�t keep them on our shelves! Literally, they are falling off!

[Suddenly, the sound of boards hitting a concrete floor can be heard in the Depot. Boxcar Willie resides at the top of a shelf of lumber and starts throwing the boards off at the two competitors, hitting them in various parts of the body. Willie gets too carried away, though, and the shelve starts moving. The shelf comes down in the direction of Gothic and Slava. Willie flies off onto a pile of bricks nearby.]

LESTER: A train wreck! That�s what that is! A simple, unadulterated train wreck!

LESLIE: Where are they? What happened to the cover? Now what is McKracken doing?

[Phil rushes over to the pile of lumber and shelve. He looks around and begins a three count as Gothic has Slava covered�]

PHIL: 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[In the arena, the crowd lies stunned at the mess.]

PHIL: 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LESTER: NO! Not this way!

PHIL: 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LESTER: I don�t believe it! American Gothic is the new BWWa Deathmatch Champion!

LESLIE: No, wait! Don�t get ahead of yourself, Lester. You don�t know what happened at the end of that fall.

[Phil and Home Depot Bruce walk over to the pile. They pick the shelf off of the boards. And, one by one, they begin removing the wood from the pile. All the boards have been removed, and the camera pans onto where American Gothic and Slava Yakolinov lie.]

PHIL: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE CRAPPING ME!

[Back in the arena�]

CURTIS: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this bout, and NEEEEEEWWWWWWWW BWWa Deathmatch Champion, SLAVAAAAAAAAAA YAKOLINOVVVVVV!

LESTER & LESLIE: WHAT?

[The camera shows that Slava Yakolinov�s arm was draped over the chest of American Gothic as Phil and Bruce removed the wood from on top of the men.]

LESTER: Phil is beside himself as he thought he counted down Slava Yakolinov!

LESLIE: Well, that obviously shows who Phil wanted to face when he gets his rematch, but his dream didn�t come true.

LESTER: You can say that again, and when he comes to, Slava is not going to be a happy camper.

LESLIE: Well, Slava is the new BWWa Deathmatch Champ and he will be facing Phil McKracken in a rematch for the strap.

LESTER: Well, folks, we ha�hey now! Come on!

[Back at the Depot, Phil and Boxcar Willie put the boots to a near unconscious Slava Yakolinov. They are unrelenting in their attempt to damage him permanently. Phil leaves the scene and leaves Willie stomping away. Phil returns after a moment with a twenty pound bag of quick setting concrete.]

LESTER: CONCRETE! What is he doing, Les?

LESLIE: I hope he�s not gonna do what I think he is.

LESTER: Whatever it is, it can�t be good.

[Phil stands over the fallen Slava, pointing and yelling in his face. Willie grabs a bucket and twenty bottles of Aquafina bottled water in a nearby cooler. Willie dumps all the water into the bucket. Phil opens the bag of concrete and dumps part of it into the bucket. Phil grabs a shovel and mixes the concrete.]

LESTER: Where is store security or the police for cryin� out loud?!

LESLIE: Well, when the BWWa leased the place for the day, they signed a waiver saying that BWWa would pay for any and all damages and the store employees were released to go home.

LESTER: Figures. Phil looks like he has finished mixing that concrete in the bucket. AND, HE DUMPS IT ON SLAVA YAKOLINOV�S LEGS! OH MY GOOD GOOD GOODNESS! I CAN�T BELIEVE IT! PHIL HAS JUST DUMPED QUICK SETTING CONCRETE ON SLAVA YAKOLINOV!

LESLIE: And, the beating continues and Phil and Willie continue to stomp away at Slava.

LESTER: We can�t air this any longer. Cut to commercial! Cut! CUT!

[Willie continues to stomp away at Slava Yakolinov while Phil stands over Slava with a leg posted on the fresh concrete structure that contains Slava Yakolinov�s legs. Phil laughs manically and makes �the belt is mine� gesture to the camera.]

[The camera fades.]

{Fade back to Page and McCoy]

[PAGE]: What a match folks. Great action from start to finish. Even if there was a bit of interference from McKracken and his band of merry men.

[MCCOY]: Was that a slur towards Phil and his friends. And remember Eddie he was the special guest referee remember.

[PAGE]: [stunned] Of course not Russ, I was just saying that the match might of been better without McKrakcen involving himself. And as for forgetting I became wrapped up in the action and completely forgot that McKracken was the ref.

[MCCOY]: Sure Eddie sure.

[PAGE]:Stay tuned for future showcase matches where we will show you the stars of the IWA, and newcomer to the CAL New Attitude Wrestling. We will be right back after these messages.]

[Fade to a commercial for Ace Bandages. The official bandage of the CSWA]

CONTINUE

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