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Good evening, fellow Japanese preparing for to go to America. We begin this lecture with general ideas about America and funny people there. Some other time we go, one by one, speak of each thing more better.

First thing: American people all look alike and have funny names like Joe, Rock, Murphy, and Elvis. Not nice name like Fujiyama and Sukiyaki. Is strange custom.

Boys and women hard to tell from each other. Both wear pants. Is no reason for this. But is old saying in America, "Who wears the pants in the family? Everybody!" This call togetherness. To-geth-er-ness.

Family in U.S. not same as family in Japan. In Japan old people are wise and help young people. In America people over thirty are old-fashioned. If they give advice to young people, young people say, "Oh, ho ho! This went out in the '70's!"

In U.S. father and mother must not strike child or punish very much because child will grow up to be bank robber or psycho. This is theory in U.S. This theory very popular with young people. Not so popular with father and mother.

Young people in U.S. have magic words, have phrase in America "boxed in" or "in a box". Young people use magic words and have parents in a box. One phrase is, "Get lost." Another is, "Don't be corny." Other phrases, "What am I, a baby?" and "All the other kids are going." When parents want children to do homework or wash dishes or such, children use these phrases and then go play video games.

Sounds like, "Wash the dishes and dust the living room, Brenda." Answer: "Ho, ho, get lost, don't be corny. I go Mariocart. So long, whatsa matter, you think you George W. Bush?"

Japanese have "losing face," is so, no? Also is in U.S. but not all same. Mother call children, "Come to dinner. Is hot. Is get cold! Hurry, hurry." Nobody come. Family lose face if they come before they are call three times. Many ways to lose face in U.S. Children get good grades in school, lose face. Other children say, "What is idea? You show off? You got egg head?"

Egg head is very bad word in U.S. Anybody study hard, work hard, learn very much, must keep it secret. You get name Egg Head and you must work hard to make people think you rather play golf. (He pretends to swing a baseball bat.) Golf is game, also call gin rummy, play by hero call "Micheal Jordan".

When fifteen or sixteen, children in America drive family car. Let parents use once a week. Is so. Pedestrian in America is father or mother with teenage children.

With cars also they have Rush Hour. Here we have paradox. In Rush Hour nobody can rush; everyone stand still in cars. But is call Rush Hour. Also is phrase, "No Parking." This mean you park there and pray to ancestors that police not notice.

Oh, so, is by the way a thought. Is very much magic word in U.S.: "Positively." Is funny joke. Positively no smoking. Positively no parking. Positively no loitering. What is mean this positively? Nothing. No smoking is no smoking. Positively.

Is interesting courtship in America. About thirteen, fourteen years old children start "go steady." Is like primitive initiation. Girl comes home and says, "Mama, Daddy, get the high heels, lipstick and perfume. I go steady now!" This means girl has entered special circle by threatening a boy, "I beat your brains out!" if he does not go steady.

Must finally end with a few words on American literature. Is not much literature in America. Is too busy watching TV and learning to cure dandruff and upset stomach. Two books are read very much. Gone With The Wind. Is sad story about War of the Roses and shy little girl who loves Japanese soldier but cannot marry him. Also big thing is Lord of the Rings. Is actually about made-up place because America not interesting enough.

Most literature in America is what is call, Sick Cards. These are cards with funny pictures and strange message. Everybody sends to friends. But unlike Japanese who sent little poem, or gentle idea of happiness, in U.S. is send drop-dead cards. Is so! If a friend is in hospital you send card that say, "I got sick all the same as you last year. I died." If friend is get married, send card, "Goodbye, old friend. You through." Is birthday? Your friend send card, "What did you expect? A gift, you cheap skate bum?" Is hard to explain reason for this. American ideas very funny but must get used.

Next lecture I explain more American customs and habits so when you go you get with it. Is so. No?

Meanwhile I say like in U.S., "So long, you bum. See you in funny papers!" (Bows and exits)

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