| Funny Quotes |
| Answering Machine Messages: "Hi, this is Kevin and Diana's Vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag." "(Rod Sterling imitatio): You're dazed, bewlidered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone"." "Thank you for calling Siviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalistic tone, leave name, telephone number, and shortdescription of secrets you wish to sell." "(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice): Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh...the uhhhhhh... BEEP." "This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test." "We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again." "Hi. Now you say something." "I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place.It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message." "Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply." Gravestones: "I had A Lover's Quarrel With The World."--Robert Frost "Consider, Friend, as you pass by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, you too shall be. Prepare, therefore, to follow me."--Scottish epitaph "The Stone the Builders Rejected"--Jack London "Good friend for Jesus sake forbeare, To digg the dust encloased heare! Blest be the man that spares thes stones, And curst be he that moves my bones."--Shakespeare "Called Back"--Emily Dickinson "And alien tears will fill for him Pity's long-broken urn, For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn."--Oscar Wilde Celebrity Quotes: "The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy."--Helen Hayes at 73 "Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something."--Plato "Keep your face in the sunshine and you will not see the shadows."--Helen Keller "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."--Mark Twain "A bit of lusting after someone does wonders for the skin."--Elizabeth Hurley "Boredom is a great motivator."--Uma Thurman "I want a sandwich named after me."--Jon Stewart "It's kind of fun to do the impossible."--Walt Disney "Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."--Al Capone "What luck for rulers that men do not think."--Adolf Hitler "I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way."--Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit) "I'm not smart enough to lie."--Ronald Reagan "People used to throw rocks at me because of my clothes. Now they wanna know where I buy them."--Cyndi Lauper"If we weren't all crazy we would go insane."--Jimmy Buffet, "Change in Latitudes, Change in Attitudes" * |