There was too much on Jessica's mind to concentrate on the numbered equations her teacher was writing out on the board. So she tried her best to block it out. She glanced out the window as she brought her head up from resting on her hand and tapped her pencil as she sat and thought. She pulled out a blank sheet of paper and randomly doodled little daisies on the paper corners. Wondering...
She wondered whatever happened to those years; where you could love someone unconditionally and with so much innocence...instead of it being all about sex and spending time with them at a party getting drunk. Why did it matter so much. What if we didn't think about so much...would these ways change, even now after everyone has opened up to it?
How could she be herself when everyone around her was like a clone to a rebel. How was she supposed to love like she wanted to when there was no one out there who would love like she wanted to.
Maybe it wasn't just being lonely and never having anyone, but being lonely of the knowledge that there wouldn't be anyone like that. Is that why? Or was she really a dumb brunette who was always clumsy around a person she was attracted to and couldn't think of anything to say. She could never think of anything to say...she felt so stupid whenever she tried to start a new topic in a conversation. Do they really care? Is it that she actually cared to ask? How come these questions should matter? How come they dwell on her mind?
She didn't know. Wished she did because then maybe she'd understand herself. How come she never took sides and was a hypocrit for it. She didn't take sides but then voiced an opinion about other things and other situations and other ways to live. She didn't know which direction to go to...she didn't know which personality was hers when it was a blend of so many.
Mind was jumbled and it jumbled to so many different ideas and thoughts it was a maze.
How can you be labeled as selfish when you don't care what other people think of you and how come you always have to think of that and try to put up a front when you're trying to find yourself. It's hard enough. Why is it so hard to find a personality? Or does She have one? Is she dork with a pop taste in music who thinks she has friends? Is she this sweet, sexy brunette who will listen to anything but prefers certain music to others, and accepts everyone with their faults? Was she a smartass and felt selfish for trying to be one when people asked for advice? How did she know? It can't mix. It's oil and water. It can't because personalities don't jumble together to make one. All it would be is different personalities coming out at different times from the same person....She didn't want to be that type of person.
She wanted to be normal; to be able to be mad at someone. She wanted to cause havoc when someone who said crap about her. Why couldn't she? She didn't want to start crap...she was passive and hated it. She wanted to have had a boyfriend or few and be able to say that. She wanted.......and doesn't that just make her more conceited?
She never cared about what other people thought about her. Or did she? How did she know when she still had these different personalities coming through?
Jessica looked down as her eyes whelled up with tears. Was she a softy who let a few loose just because she didn't understand herself? Was it a good excuse to shed tears because you felt lost and alone when you should already know you're not alone? She was an emotional and romantic woman who tried so hard not to be. She forced tears back and caused pain to her throat for it. She swallowed hard and forced the lump of pain down. She didn't want to cry and yet she didn't want to care and wanted to let them go. So what if she cried. It's her problem.
She cursed under her breath when one slipped out but her finger quickly brushed it away as she looked towards the wall.
She didn't want to have this pessimistic perspective of life or of herself. She loved her life, what she would do with it, how she was putting an effort into finding herself and not following the pack of everyone else. That had to count for something right?
Did she count? Everything is questionable.
I'm not alone
I wish I was
Cause then I'd know I was down because
I couldn't find a friend around
To love me like they do right now
They do right now
I'm dizzy from the shopping mall
I searched for joy but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
And a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all
When autumn comes
It doesn't ask
It just walks in where it left you last
You never know when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all
I can't be sure that this state of mine
Is not of my own design
I wish there was an over-the-counter test
For loneliness
For loneliness like this
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Friends(Check)
Money(Check)
A well slept(Check)
Opposite sex(Check)
Guitar(Check)
Microphone(Check)
Messages waiting on me when I come home
How come everything I think I need
Always comes with batteries
What do you think it means?