It�s a bright and slightly chilled Christchurch day as I drive my little blue Vespa out to Burnham. My lovely new frock billows in the wind as I hit 50km and buzz along Main South Road. Today is the day. Today is my day. Today I will finally confront the Queen of Britain and her colonies. I�m unsure what to expect as I hum out to Burnham, will she be as majestic and imposing as I have always imagined her? Will I have to curtsey? Will she spit when she talks? Would this be easier if I were massively high on cocaine? Probably� When I arrived though I found her quite serene, poised and all in all the complete package that I had expected� Her husband Phillip was present and to be quite frank with you my dear readers, Her Royal Highness seemed a little senile. CeliaSays: YOUR MAJESTY, MAY I JUST SAY WHAT A PLEASURE IT IS TO MEET YOU. Thankyou, it means a lot to hear you say that, after everything that happened that is. CeliaSays: IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY TIRING FLIGHT, WAS THE FOOD ANY GOOD? Not a lot of people know this but one of my hobbies is to bake. As you said, the flights are very long, so I pass the time by baking an assortment of cakes, loaves and muffins in my custom made airline kitchen. Eddie then hands them around. Therefore the answer to your question would be, �I hope the food was good!� (laughs) CeliaSays: I ALWAYS FIND THAT PLANE TRIPS ARE SO MUCH MORE TOLERABLE IF THE FOOD IS GOOD� DON�T YOU AGREE? Mmmm (nods eagerly). Yes you�re right. Very good. CeliaSays: SO DOWN TO BUSINESS YOUR MAJESTY. THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO OUR FAIR ISLAND NATION IN MANY YEARS. HAVE YOU NOTICED ANY CHANGES? The trees seem a lot larger than before and have a fraction more um�what�s the word�green on them. There also appears to have been a significant decline in dogs. Other than that, it�s just how I remember it. CeliaSays: YOU AND CELIA FIRST MET IN ROTORUA ON YOUR CORONATION TOUR. CELIA HAS NEVER REVEALED TO HER TEAM THE CIRCUMSTANCES SURROUNDING THE EVENT. WHAT EVER HAPPENED? I have a team of body doubles, as much of the time I�m simply there to wave and smile a bit. By having doubles it means we can make a much more productive use of time. On that particular tour, one of my doubles, Daisy was diagnosed with arthritis in the left wrist, making it impossible for her to continue in the position as she found it terribly painful to wave. We needed a temporary replacement whilst searching for a new one, and that was when we discovered Celia, a mere Rotorua taxi driver. She filled the role perfectly. A two week relief turned into three long years serving me. CeliaSays: GRACIOUS, THAT REALLY IS SURPRISING. MANY PEOPLE SEE CELIA AS IMMORTAL, HAVING LIVED THROUGH SO MANY IMPORTANT WORLD EVENTS. DO YOU AS A MONARCH VIEW HER AS SUCH OR JUST A COMPARE? Celia is a legend in her own right. Anyone who questions that is a fool. CeliaSays: YOUR MAJESTY, PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP ME OUT WITH A WEE DISPUTE WE SEEM TO BE HAVING AT THE ST ALBANS OFFICE� Of course. CeliaSays: WELL� THIS IS GOING TO SEEM SILLY� I DON�T SUPPOSE YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW THE NAMES OF THE WHOLE JETSON FAMILY INCLUDING THE DOG? (laughs) No, it�s not at all silly, Harry had the same problem only last year. Now lets see, there was George Jetson and his wife Jane. Elroy the son, Judy their daughter, Rosie the housemaid robot and finally their dog, Astro. That sounds right doesn�t it Phillie? (Phillip nods and mutters something about asteroids) It�s all in the theme song. CeliaSays: THIS ALL OF COURSE BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT QUESTION YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS, BRITAIN WAS DUE TO LAUNCH THE FIRST DOG INTO ORBIT WITH THE AIM OF TEACHING HIM HOW TO MOVE IN THE WEIGHTLESS VACUM OF SPACE IN EARLY FEBRUARY. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PROJECT? The dog we aimed to launch, Arnold, was last seen spotting something resembling a cat across the road from his (owners) house in County Durham, Arnold took off after it and hasn�t been seen since. We�re looking for a replacement. CeliaSays: IF CHARLES, ANDREW AND EDWARD HAD BEEN GIRLS, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE CALLED THEM? (looks at PLC blankly) Them being girls was never an option. Therefore I�ve never considered anything other than Charles, Andrew and Edward. CeliaSays: I UNDERSTAND YOU AUDITIONED TO PLAY MAGGIE SMITH�S ROLE OF PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL IN THE FIRST HARRY POTTER FILM. ANY IDEAS AS TO WHY YOU WEREN�T GIVEN THE PART? Oh I don�t know�something about lack of experience. Phillie tried to persuade Chris otherwise, didn�t you Phillie? (Phillip nods and mumbles something about broomsticks) But it was no good. CeliaSays: A LOT OF OUR FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS HAVE WRITTEN IN WITH QUESTIONS FOR ME TO ASK YOU DURING TODAYS INTERVIEW. DO YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A FEW? Yes, I mean, yes that's fine. Not yes I mind. CeliaSays: M. FRASIER OF PALMERSTON NORTH WRITES �WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR?� Lavender. CeliaSays: MRS S. DONAHUE OF WHAKATANE WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF ALL OF THE CORGIS HAVE NAMES AND HOW YOU REMEMBER THEM ALL. Yes, all 47 Corgis are named and registered. If I ever need to know who is who for example when take one of them to the vet, their names and details are kept on record at the British Library. CeliaSays: KIRI TE KANAWA WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT YOUR FAVOURITE KIND OF LOLLY IS. What�s a lolly? (PLC explains) Oh a sweet! A nice chocolate eclair. Not too soft, not too chewy. CeliaSays: MR R. HANDARM OF BOULDER, COLORADO WONDERS IF YOU HAVE EVER CONSIDERED A PROFESSION OTHER THAN LEADING THE BRITISH COMMONWEALTH AND IF YES, WHAT? I�ve often fancied making wildlife documentaries. I�m particularly interested in the groundhog. CeliaSays: AND LASTLY WE HAVE 8 YEAR OLD LIAM FROM DUNEDIN WHO ASKS IF YOU THINK IT IS OK TO PICK YOUR NOSE. HE ALSO SENT IN A LOVELY DRAWING THAT HE DID AT SCHOOL. IT�S A PICTURE OF THE OCEAN AND SOME FISH. HE ASKED THAT I GIVE IT TO YOU. (looks at picture) Oh�that�s lovely�it�s very�um�.blue... Is that a shark or a log? What was the question? Well I suppose one only does what one must. Just wash your hands afterwards. CeliaSays: IT WAS RECENTLY REVEALED BY THE HOUSE OF LORDS THAT YOU AND YOUR LATE SISTER MARGARET HAD TO GO INTO HIDING FOR A LARGE PART OF THE SECOND WORLD WAR. NOT ONLY INTO HIDING BUT ALSO INTO A DISGUISE OF SORTS. WOULD YOU MIND SHARING A LITTLE ABOUT THAT EXPERIENCE WITH US? I�m afraid the story has been somewhat exaggerated, Tony tends to be a bit of a drama queen when he�s up in parliament. You see it was Margaret�s twelfth birthday and she had a fancy dress party. She dressed as a nurse and I dressed as Winston Churchill. We embarked on a game of hide and seek, and we thought it a good idea to hide in our secret tree house which we built in �widow� the willow. We�re not ones to give up a game easily and since no-one came to find us, we just stayed put for what I think must have been a good 20 hours. Mummy spotted us the next morning whilst putting up her tent. Dear old Mummy. CeliaSays: THIS YEAR�S ROYAL TOUR OF NEW ZEALAND IS MUCH SHORTER THAN YOUR PREVIOUS ONES, IS THERE A REASON FOR THIS? No, not particularly. CeliaSays: UNFORTUNATELY OUR TIME IS NEARLY UP YOUR MAJESTY SO JUST ONE OR TWO QUICK LAST QUESTIONS. FIRSTLY I LOVE YOUR HAT. SECONDLY WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE ARMY BOYS OUT HERE AT BURNHAM? Phille bought me the hat on mummy�s birthday, didn�t you Phillie? (Phillip nods and mutters something about winter) Bless him. (Chuckles) Army boys? They�re very nice polite boys. Very handsome�except for him over there. CeliaSays: QUITE RIGHTLY TOO. LASTLY YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS WHO WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR LAST ROLO TO? Celia. Just because Phillie doesn�t like chocolate. Interferes with your digestion doesn�t it darling? (Philip nods and mutters something about communism) CeliaSays: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TIME, IT WAS SUCH A PLEASURE, SAY HELLO TO THE FAMILY FROM ME DELUNTRASH AND CELIA ASWELL Oh I will. You must all come over sometime, meet James. Shouldn�t they Phillie? (Phillip nods and gets into the car) Phillie darling, say goodbye to the nice lady. (Phillip mutters something and waves) Oh Phillip! Bless him (laughs). Send my regards back to St.Albans and that lovely Tom chap. Thankyou, goodbye. (gets in car) |
| TEA WITH THE QUEEN |
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