| When Celia sent me a fax telling me that I was to interview Matthew Kelly, long time host of "Stars in Their Eyes", I must admit that the initial buzz was soon overrun by angst and worry. Matthew has gained something of a reputation among the media to be a trying person to interview (often ending in tears). I also knew that just becasue I worked for Celia, no exceptions would be made for me. I met him in his Hotel room. He offered me a drink from the mini bar. I accepted. He later made me pay for it. He was wearing a mock leather trenchcoat and a bottle green cravat. HIs hair was a bit longer than Ewan McGregors in Trainspotting, but shorter than his in Episode I. He smoked a pipe throughout the interview. It played havoc with my lungs, I coughed then my eyes watered and my mascara ran...though I must note that he's exceptionally tidy for such a tall man. HELLO MATTHEW. NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU. You too Ms DeLuntrash, your fame has spread quickly. Where�s Toto today? Hahaha�haha HOWS THE PROMOTION CAMPAIGN GOING? Oh wonderfully, I�m just stopping by in Christchurch to do a gig at Dymocks before heading off to Korea for a whirlwind tour of the region just north of the 38th parallel. I'M SORRY TO READ ABOUT THE INCIDENT ON THE SINGAPORE TO SYDNEY FLIGHT. Yes, that was really awful� You�d think they�d check people before they get on the plane� I mean head lice are really very infectious and travelling such distances in a confined space� It�s very unhygienic� SOME OF THE THINGS YOU'VE INCLUDED IN THE BOOK ARE PRETTY GRAPHIC AND BRUTAL. DID YOU MAKE A CONCIOUS DECISION TO BE AS TRUTHFUL AS POSSIBLE? I think so, yes. It came down to me asking myself, �Matthew, are you man enough to make the world a more informed and slightly more disgusted place?� The answer was easily yes. I think it�s very important for mankind to know what really goes down in show biz. It�s not all hob-knobbing and champagne� I�ve been beaten black and blue by drunk celebrities more times than I�d care to remember right now. "STARS IN HIS LIFE" IS A GREAT TITLE FOR A BOOK. HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH IT? Interesting story behind that one DeLuntrash, glad you asked. I was born into a hippie commune to my parents Edith and Claude and when I was a month old they took me by harvest moon-light to see a gypsy woman who was camped on a near-by hillock. They asked the gypsy woman (whose name was August I believe) what I would turn out to be when I grew up. She said that it was uncertain but there would most certainly be stars in my life� My parents always secretly hoped that I would become a Cosmo naught but instead I ended up where I am today. STARS IN THEIR EYES. YOU'VE BEEN THE HOST FOR TEN YEARS NOW. HOWS IT BEEN? Oh wonderful. I�ve really loved meeting so many great people. Just little people. Regular old �Sam who lives up the road and smokes to much and beats his kids when he gets drunk� kinda people. ANY FAVOURITE CONTESTANTS THAT SPRING TO MIND? Yes, I remember doing the Hollywood special series and having a celebrity surprise each night. On the fourth night Meatloaf did a wonderful Cher. The audience loved it. THERE IS A RUMOUR CIRCULATING ABOUT YOU AND SIR BOB GELDOF GETTING TOGETHER FOR A STARS IN THEIR EYES LIVE AID CONCERT. IS THERE ANY TRUTH IN IT? No, Bob Geldof is not a well man� He�s in no right state to be hosting Live Aid Concerts in mine and several medical professionals� opinions. I�ve signed a privacy statement so I can�t really say much more at this stage. IN YOUR NEW BOOK YOU DISCLOSE THE SECRET THAT YOU WERE ONCE A CONTESTANT ON THE SHOW BACK IN THE DAYS WHEN DES O'CONNER HOSTED IT. WHO WERE YOU AND IS IT SOMETHING YOU NOW REGRET? Ah-ha, you have been doing your research haven�t you Ms DeLuntrash? I was in fact on the show in�Oh, let me see� I can�t remember the date anymore� A long time back anyway� It was back in the days where you didn�t have to sing. You could impersonate anyone you wanted� I did a wonderful soliloquy as Ringo Star playing the Mock Turtle in a BBC version of Alice�s Adventures Through The Looking Glass. It was a real hit, unfortunately I was up against Tom Farthingham of Wimbourne, Dorset who does a really good Pavarotti� He took out the season contest. DO YOU HAVE A PERSONAL STYLIST? I used to use a divining rod every morning to pick my outfit from the closet but have since reverted to wearing whatever isn�t crumpled in a suitcase� Hahaha. I ONCE WENT TO POOLE POTTERY ON A SCHOOL TRIP, AND AT THE START OF THE TOUR WE WERE SHOWN A FILM WITH YOU GIVING US A BRIEF HISTORY ON THE POTTERY. ARE YOU INTERESTED IN POTTERY OR WAS IT JUST AN ACT OF SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION? It wasn�t shameless SELF promotion. I just believed and still do that there�s a lot to be said for pottery in England and that there aren�t enough celebrities getting in behind and giving them a shove out into the lime light. For a while on Stars In Their Eyes I pushed the producers to have a segment on Pottery of the World� They didn�t run with it. TALKING OF POTTERS, YOU WERE OFFERED THE ROLE OF RON IN THE HARRY POTTER MOVIE, WHAT MADE YOU TURN IT DOWN? I was going to take the part� It�s rather a long story as to how I ended up not filming� You see I was on my way down south to meet up with the crew for the first days of filming and had stopped over in London for a night (I was travelling from my estate up near the Scottish border). I met up with some friends of mine from the BBC and we went and had a few drinks. I�m not very clear on the exact details of what happened after about 11pm but I woke up three days later off the coast of Spain, married to an Airedale terrier named Pip and there were three foreign men poking me with sticks so that I would get up and wash the galley floor of the ship� By the time I got the wedding annulled and managed to get back to England I was too late to start shooting with the crew and they had already recast the part of Ron. CELIA WANTS TO BE ON STARS IN THEIR EYES. CAN SHE? Of course� We�d love to have her on the show. WHAT WAS A FAVOURITE CHILDHOOD TOY? My Jacques Cousteau action figure. HOW WAS REHAB? A little dull in places but otherwise tolerable. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY OTHER JOB IN THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD BE? A Lion Tamer� I�ve always wanted to be a Lion Tamer, REAL danger� Either that or the woman on the Basil Brush Show. COMPLETE THIS SENTENCE: "HAPPINESS IS..." �A really clean toilet� I ONCE SAW SOMEONE WHO LOOKED A LOT LIKE YOU IN THE BUS EXCHANGE. Was he wearing a hat? CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH? No. Sod off. FINE THEN.... (sulky silence)...THANKYOU FOR YOUR TIME. HOPE THE BOOK IS A SUCCESS AND WE LOOK FORWARD TO MANY MORE YEARS OF STARS IN THEIR EYES. Thank you DeLuntrash, the pleasure was all mine. Cheeky bastard. It was so him in the Bus Exchange. Abrazos Agent DeLunTrash xxx |
| TONIGHT MATTHEW I'M GONNA BE.... ...no-one, I'm just gonna interview you. |
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