| HANKS' CORNER #1 Isn't he lovely? |
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| Hello, I�m Tom. Hanks, that it. I�ve been a friend and follower of Celia for ten years now. Therefore I was delighted when her two lovely Agents approached me about not only having my very own corner of their site, but also joining their team on a full time basis, by moving into the St.Albans office to help with the general day-to-day running of CeliaSays. I must admit, I was a little apprehensive at first. I, like so many others saw the rise and fall of Dr.Phil. It was clear to see that the demise of the celebrity columnist had arrived. Yet I�m glad to say that after a round of golf with my two new friends, they had persuaded me otherwise. DeLunTrash said; �But Tom, you�re no celebrity, you�re a superstar. Trust me, there�s a difference.� Ofcourse, she was right. My kids and their friends are regulars to the site. They often inform me over the dinner table that my name has cropped up on CeliaSays. They�re all like �Hey Dad! You�ll never guess what!� And I�m like �What?� And they�re like �You were on CeliaSays!� I�m just flabbergasted, I�m like �Well gee, knock me down with a feather!� In our house an Oscar no longer has any value, as you can tell, Celia is the only name the Hanks household has any interest in! There was one mention of my name though that did raise a fair amount of controversy in my neighbourhood and sparked concern among my world-wide fanbase. That, as I�m sure you�ve already guessed was the exclusive interview with Bob Saget lookalike, Owen Sagem, posted on CeliaSays just a couple of months ago. The section in question went like this; DELUNTRASH: You once called one of my favourite actors, Tom Hanks, a gimp. Why? OWEN SAGEM: Well, he came to the 99� show we did in Madison Square Gardens just after his unfortunate accident with the ride-on mower. He was on crutches and came backstage. I meant to say that he had a limp, but it was noisy what with all the people in the conference room and he thought that I�d said �gimp�. He decked me with one of his crutches. I had concussion and we had to cancel our New Jersey shows. I would now like to take this opportunity to put forward my side of the story as I do feel that my good-name and reputation as Hollywood�s nice guy has been tarnished since the posting of this offensive, and deeply hurtful remark. Owen Sagem (left): In the words of the late John Goodman "A fraud is still a fraud, regardless of how much he may look like Bob Saget." Firstly, the injury mentioned was no accident, and it was NOT caused by a ride-on-mower. As many of you are aware, I am what is referred to as a �method Actor�, a term you may have been familiar with Owen Sagem, had you trained at a proper, legal dramatic institution. For my role in Saving Private Ryan I insisted that I used only real weaponry, none of this �drainpipe and a coke can painted green to look like a rifle� crap. Unfortunately on the last day of filming I dropped a grenade on my foot and suffered from second degree burns and shrapnel ripping my leg to shreds. I developed lead poisoning and then required ten hours of surgery. That is why I needed crutches. A ride-on-mower accident it was not. The next point I would like to make is that Owen, you did indeed call me a gimp. Just because I had a leg injury, did not mean I was suddenly deaf. That was a �G�. Ask anyone in that room. Well, all three of them, fan bases have never been you strong point have they? See, I was just on the other side of the room, drinking my beer, minding my own business when Owen comes right up to me and proceeds to rant on abotu how I stole the role of Josh, in Big from under his nose. Apparently it had been promised to him, but then I �swanned in� going �look at me I�m Tom Hanks, I�m Tom Hanks� and stole it off him. Apparently I also got him a parking ticket. How this happened beats me. I told him to calm down. And Owen, and I shall quote said: �No, I will not calm down, you...you gimp!� He proceeded to make a swing for me, I ducked, my crutches slipped on the cheap imitation vinyl Tuscan tiles. My crutches flew forward and tripped Owen up. It was completely accidental. You did not receive concussion. It�s called a hangover. And I was not responsible for the cancellation of your New Jersey shows, you�d done that yourself with those stupid Communist jokes you�d told in the Washington gig the week before. I hold no grudges against you Owen. I respect you as a performer, and as soon as I receive a hand written apology, I will let you come to my birthday party. I�m a that kind of guy. I hope that this little explanation has cleared matters up, thus restoring my status as Hollywood�s official nice guy. Heck, I am a nice guy. I�m Tom Hanks! I hope you�ve enjoyed this, my first column for CeliaSays. It�s been a pleasure. Hopefully next time we can get down to proper article writing. See, I don�t like to make a big deal of things and to keep bringing up the past, but it�s important that the truth is known. SO until next time, This is Tom, Hanks that is signing off now. |
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