1843 (13)
It was a warm, calm day on the farm. The sun was bright and the air was filled with the smell of wildflowers in the yard around the log home. Jesse hid himself away in the loft of the barn, laying in a patch of warm sunlight. It was a wonderful afternoon.
"Hey Jesse! Come help with the harvest!"
He sat up and looked out his window before moving to the ladder. Ethan, his older brother, was standing below and looking up at him.
When Jesse reached the bottom he turned to face his brother. "What am I supposed to help with?" He flinched as the older boy raised an arm to shield the sun from his eyes, but stood still.
"It's the corn today. You can get a bag outside and go on to the fields." Ethan pointed outside and Jesse's gaze followed. His breath caught in his throat as he saw a most beautiful sight. There was a rather muscular young man standing in their yard. Jesse watched as he pulled his thick cotton shirt off over his hard and threw it over his shoulder. He couldn't take his eye's off the older boy's chest.
His arm was grabbed roughly and his brother jerked him back to reality. "If you're nice he might ask you to marry him. You'd make a nice little wife, especially to a strong one like Jonathan." Ethan pushed him forward again and they left the barn a little awkwardly.
Jesse paled and looked away as Jonathan approached. He had a sinking feeling that Ethan might just repeat the last thing he'd said to his friend in order to embarrass the younger boy, but Ethan surprised him.
"Thanks for helping with the harvest, Jonathan. This here is Jesse, my little brother. He looks pretty...useless, but he ain't too bad."
Jesse was exhausted that night. After a small dinner he crawled under his covers greatfully, pulling his nightshirt down to cover more of his legs.
Ethan got in on the other side and laughed softly. "I can't wait until I'm married and can sleep with a woman instead of you." He turned onto his side and seemed to fall asleep almost instantly.
Jesse watched him for a while before turning away to stare at the wall next the his side of the bed. His brother had been making comments like that for almost a year, but Ethan didn't even know any girls near his own age so it didn't seem likely to happen in the near future. He closed his eyes for what seemed to be a brief moment and when he opened them he was pressed between the wall and his brother. It felt odd to say the least.
Ethan had taught Jesse many things about life, what to do in this situation was not one of them. His brother often hurt him with the things he said, or would beat on him for no reason sometimes, but Jesse knew that Ethan cared for him. Ethan had tried to teach Jesse everything he knew, even about sex. How Ethan knew anything about that was one of the big mysteries of the universe, but he did know about touching and taught that to Jesse thoroughly if not forcefully.
He felt Ethan's arms around his waist now in more of a protective or proprietary manner though, and no matter how odd it was it was also very comforting to held.
*
1848 (15)
The dawn brought absolute stillness to the forest. The trees and grasses were shrouded in shadow and flower buds had not yet opened to receive the sun's energy. Jesse shifted a little in his tree perch. Pretty soon he'd have to to drop back to the ground and start looking for a rabbit or two for dinner, but he wanted to enjoy the beginings of the day. There was so little that he was allowed to enjoy anymore.
The night before had been difficult. Ethan had come home from the dance late and had stunk of the cheap whiskey he had gotten drunk on. He woke Jesse as he was trying to get into the bed they still shared and the sweat and alcohol stench almost made the younger boy ill. He had tried pretending that he was still asleep until Ethan had started touching him. Jesse was trying to fight him off when their father came into the room and even though what was happening must have been obvious Jesse was blamed. He had spent the rest of the night sleeping in the hay loft with the barn cats; where at least he would not have to contend with overly affectionate brothers.
He hoped that Ethan left the farm soon. Jesse was so sick of always hearing the insults and catcalls from his own family. He knew that he wasn't strong and that his interest in men was abnormal, sick even, but he still felt that his father and brother could make some attempt to appreciate what he could do. Wasn't he the one who hunted for the meat they enjoyed every evening? Wasn't that at least something that was good and right, something that he could take a little pride in? He had thought so, but they only saw it as a way to impress the boy who lived at the next farm; and maybe he did wish that someone would notice him, but should that make any difference if the outcome was still good for the family?
It felt like everything was building up inside of him; that he was about to drown in the feelings and thoughts that couldn't be expressed. He knew that there was something wrong with him. Since that preacher had passed through four years before Jesse had known that what he wanted in life was something evil; that he was something evil and that he could never tell anyone about that desire ever again. One beating from his father was more than enough to teach him that.
The pressure was beginning to be too much for him though. He was weak and they all knew it. He would fold under their pushing and eventually he would have to get married no matter how much it hurt; no matter how big the lie was. The poor girl they chose for him would eventually know that he was different though, and he hoped that she didn't blame herself as much as he hoped she wouldn't be abusive of him, but he feared that one of those things would happen and that he would never be happy. He feared that he would never be loved.
As he hopped down from the tree he brought the rifle up, a wish half formed in his mind. Maybe it would be best just to give up now and put an end to the forces around him. It would be so much easier to have a funeral than a wedding. But he gathered up what little inner strength he had left and started through the brush in search of a hopper.
*
1850 (17)
He didn't usually hunt when it was dark, but he still hadn't gotten anything that day. He hadn't even seen a deer, but he knew that his father wouldn't believe him. He couldn't go home without something for the family. He couldn't bear to hear the taunting of his father or of Ethan, who was visiting with his new wife.
Jesse had decided, as the night began around him, that he would stay in the woods. Even if he stayed there all night it would be better than going home. At least then he could say that he had tried to catch something. He knew that they would still be upset with him and that he would hear about this forever, but he couldn't face them now with nothing to show for the hunt.
There was a rustling in the bushes up ahead and it sounded like something bigger than a hare was breaking the twigs. Maybe a deer, maybe even a bear. His father would have to be proud if he managed to get another bear. Ethan couln't blame it on luck if it happened twice. Jesse knelt in the soft pine needles and dead leaves, waiting for the animal to come through the cover, but the noise suddenly stopped and everything grew still again. He waited for several minutes, allowed the moon to move a little further across the sky, but eventually he was too impatient. He stood slowly and walked as carefully as he could toward the bushes.
Suddenly he was on his back, the gun flung out of his grip and a large weight resting on his chest. Jesse struggled to get some air, but it was in vain and all he heard was laughter as his vision blackened.
When he came to it was still dark, but the air was much colder. The leaves beneath him crackled as he moved and before his eyes could adjust to the darkness again there were hands on his arms pulling him up. He was still too weak to do anything but struggle in vain, but he attempted that anyway. To his left a candle was lit and thrust inches from his eyes.
Jesse winced, but tried to keep his eyes open at least a sliver. When they had finally adjusted to the new light it was quickly extinguished, sending him into temporary blindness once more and the laugher began again. He felt a hand on his back and was propelled backwards to another set of waiting hands, only to be pushed to another . He clenched his eyes shut and told himself that it was just a nightmare; something that he could wake up from and tell Ethan about. Even if his brother laughed at him it would be better than believing that any of this was real.
He tried to fall to the ground, to get away from the hands and the laughter, but they held him up. Jesse wiggled and squirmed around until he felt dizzy and sick. Then suddenly he was alone again and not even a single leaf fluttered around him. The woods were still and a chill passed over him
This was even worse. He jerked around to face a small noise and jumped back as a mouse raced towards his feet. He sighed, trying to gain a little control over himself and turned around again; searching for a path that might lead him home. He didn't care about the hunt anymore. He just needed to get to some place safe; anywhere other than the forest seemed ideal.
He took one step forward and started to scream as he was once again enclosed in strange arms. His mouth was covered by a cold hand and as he fought to get away he was brought to he ground. Jesse could only make small, pitiful sounds and in some small rational part of his mind he imagined that small and pitiful was all he ever had been to begin with.
*
the end, but continued
Lo How A Rose Ere Blooming
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