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ANATOMY OF A SOUL

Darkness
Manipulative
Others, self
None exempt, none safe
Shaded heart
Unknown to all
Untouched by all
But one
Not one but 3
2 being, one existing
Only 3
Finding gateway to a blackened soul
Charred, burnt
Secrecy
Hidden pleasure in others' pain
Hidden to all
Others, self
No acceptance
No admission
Only walls
Barriers
From forever to forever
Alpha to Omega
Flood waters
Threatening to destroy all
If dam is broken
Wanting
A person to break down the wall
Needing
One strong in mind and soul
Desperation
Seeking peace
Finding none
Help.

Written:  10/24/95
 

THE PIT

Emptiness
Nothingness
Vacuum
No joy
No care
No love
Nothing
A black pit
Of despair
Depression
Death
Nothing enters
Nothing escapes
The result of assaults
Over many years
Damage irreparable
No solace
No peace
Monotony
The hurt
The pain
The agony unknown
Digging a chasm
At the core of my being
So that none may feel my pain
Including myself
And I shall attempt to escape
To climb my way out
But there is no escape.
Ever.
My own private desolation.

Written: 10/25/95
 

FOR A SPARK

Help
Struggling, straining
Begging for release
From the fiery depths
Of a long dead soul
Seeking new life
Escape impossible
Hope is dying
Life is lost
But for a spark
Tiny
Insignificant
Rejuvenation
Soul
Spirit
Rotting inside a corpse shell
Finding rebirth
Oh how I wish
For that spark
Not expected
To be carried by one so young
Or so old
But carried nevertheless
Searching
Finding
Found
Inaccessible
Unavailable
Teased by nature
Mocked by self
Of all possible carriers
Why the 2 that cannot be approached?
Helpless
Hopeless
Hope is dead.

Written: 10/25/95
 

FORBIDDEN LOVE
To YOU (You know, in your heart, who you are)

Silken hair
Waving on the wind
Ne'er to be mine
Joyous laughter
Bubbling as a mountain brook
Ne'er to be mine
Velvety skin
Softer than the softest cotton
Ne'er to be mine
Eyes of mystery and wisdom
Deeper than the rolling ocean
Ne'er to be mine

As I stroll along the path
Wand'ring to and fro
I often wonder where I'm headed
Where I'm bound to go
And every time I see the end
As sure as night brings day
You'll always "Want to be my friend"
I know that's what you'll say

Oh, how I love thee
Let me count the ways
I wish that I could tell you
But this is as close as I dare say

I'm trying not to sound depressed
Though I wish that I was thine
And so I sit here, crying
O'er the heart ne'er to be mine.
Never.

Written: 10/26/95
 

GLIMMER OF HOPE

Pressure
Pounding
Years of lies
Deceptions
Pain
Suffering
Threatening to overwhelm
At last
A valve
Releasing the pressure
Floodgates opened
Not all, but enough
Out of danger
Tears bringing relief
Salvation
My thanks to her unspoken
But expressed nonetheless
A new leaf turned over
Hopefully
But my forbidden love
For the one I cannot have
Threatens my sanity
Why
After so much pain
Must I inflict more upon myself
Wanting the unattainable
The first step must be hers
She knows who she is
I hope.

Written: 11/06/95
 

ON THE PREPICE
*Read this with an open mind.  Take nothing for granted.

On the prepice
Teetering on the edge
Overlooking the great unknown
To jump
Embracing the forbidden
Not an option
To step back
Denying my heart; my destiny
Unthinkable
What then can I do
To express my love
For her whom I cannot love?
Nothing
I can do nothing
Does she know?
No
Does she suspect?
Perhaps
If she does
She dismisses her suspicion
"Preposterous," she says
"He writes not to me"
She refuses to hear the song of her heart
Her heart knows
Her mind does not
She will read this which I now write
And she may grow suspicious
But the action must be hers
For I
Standing on the prepice
Cannot step
I must wait
For the wind of her action to blow me
To safety
Or the road not taken.

Written: 11/07/95
 

YOU

I've meant to tell you for a while
And heaven knows I've tried
But underneath my guile
My soul has often cried
Though I know I cannot have you
I pray to the gods above
To somehow make me able
To tell you of my love
And so I sit here, writing
On the verge of tears
Saying what I've wanted to
Over these past years

From the first moment I saw you
My heart ached
Childish
Infantile
First crush
I got to know you
My heart ached
Mature
Spiritual
Falling in love with you
I cannot use your name
Your heart
Will tell you who you are
You must accept the fact
If not the love
For I say it now
Without shame
I LOVE YOU
Now do you understand?

Written: 11/08/95
 

CREATURE OF THE NIGHT

Light
Blinding
Retreat into darkness
It is safer here
Where none may touch me
Whenever I attempt to leave
The pain
The harsh realities
Push me back here
Into safety
For one like myself
Who walks on the Dark Side
This is home
Comforting
I may cry out
"Why can I not escape"
But it is because when I try
I cause my own downfall
It may be nice in the light
But after so long in darkness
It hurts less here
Than there
And no matter how much I deny it
I know it is true
I am here
Because I like it here
In the darkness
Where creatures like me
Truly Belong:
To the darkness
And the night.

Written: 11/28/95
 

ME IN THE MIRROR

Prince of my domain
Ruler, I am
My authority unquestioned
Leading in glory
But disgraced
Hidden from truth
Hidden from light
Hidden from myself
My kingdom is the shadows
Hard won
In a lengthy battle
Costing me my soul
In exchange for the power that comes from being
Prince of darkness
Floating on the wind
Seeing from above
Flying back over the path of my life
And finding it barren
Wasted
Desert
Life, heart and soul
Sacrificed
For what?
Power
Knowledge
Greed overwhelming
Self-denial
Refusing to admit the inevitable
Playing the game
But ignoring the consequences
Hidden talents
Drama
Acting
My whole life
One long play
Pretending to be what I am not
Trying to lengthen the show
Desperate
To stop the curtain from closing
On body
As it already has on my soul
There are no encores
No applause
Billy was right
Life is but a poor player
And I the poorest of all
My existence empty
Meaningless
Why continue?
Because they paid to watch
And I'll give them a show
A damned good one
And even on stage
The shadows are everywhere
This is my home
The stage, the shadows
Comforting me
Abandoned by God
Abandoned by "friends"
Left on my own
I have blazed my own path
But what will happen to me
When the curtain comes down at last?
I fear
But I do not
Because fear is not becoming of royalty
And I am
The Prince of darkness
And the King of Shadows
Long live the King.

Written: 11/29/95
 

COURSE CHANGE

Rebirth
New life
Changing course
No more hiding
No more running
Stop
Turn
Step from the shadows
And fight
Stop following
And Lead

From grey
To black and white
Friend or foe?
Choose now
Or face a wrath
Unknown in hell's hottest fires
My life
My choice
Choice made
For better or for worse
Right or wrong
This is my course
I must not stray
And for the new me
'Tis the only way
To salvation from my worst enemy
Yesterday's self
Thank-you
For pointing out the path
That I doubted was there...

Written: 01/15/96
 

THOMAS AND CAROLINE
do not read these lines of verse.  read BETWEEN them.

This is the tale of Caroline fair
With deep, caring eyes and long, flowing hair
This is the tale of Thomas, my friend
The one whom I want by my side 'till the end
Caroline quoth, one day to my ears:
"I wish he were mine" as she fought back the tears
Frustration hath brought from within, from her heart
Whilst from afar, "How lovely thou art"
He quoth, thought unheard, too easily read
Not needed by me for the words to be said
When asked, he replied:  "I hope that she hears
Of my feelings so strong for her over the years"
Together at last, the two lovers unite
In their bliss unaware of the terrible fight
Taking place within the soul
Of a mutual friend, whom we shall call Joel
Not uncommon for Joel that a war should be fought
Deep inside.  "Why worry?  It's normal." they thought
But Joel has a secret, for all that it's worth
His feelings for Caroline run deep as the Earth
Turned down once before, he refuses to quit
Despite her objections, he still says she's "it"
"The one god hath sent" he had written, he tried
To woo her, she chuckled, he moaned and he sighed
Abashed, he fled from her, turned tail and ran
Rejected by note that was passed by the man
Named Thomas, a friend to both through the arts
Her words stung Joel harshly, his heart pierced by darts
The wounds healed with time, he and she became friends
But as luck would have it, the path of life bends
In her favour.  The match made in heaven begins
And as a good friend, Joel joins in the din
But deep down inside, Joel's healed heart is broken
Again as he sees that their hearts have awoken
"They have each other" he says without malice
"I will not destroy their crystalline palace"
"Alas, what to do?" Joel now wonders aloud
As he sees through the lining on this looming cloud
"My friends are together, how so nice for he
And her, but I wonder: What about me?"
You see, as a good friend, Joel feels happy for them
But jealosy causes his heart to deplore them
Much deeper than jealosy, love unrequitted
Joel's love for her deeper than ever admitted
Joel wishes them luck, and the greatest of health
Whilst his heart, as per usual, sits on the shelf
Forgotten by all, as he struggles to seem
Supportive, in answer to all of their dreams
He wants them together, he wants them apart
No one, not even he, may see into his heart
He prays for strength and their continued bliss
He honestly hopes that nothing goes amiss
One starts with a "C", and one with a "T"
And Joel is the Author and Narrator, me
The problem is solved:  Now light as a feather
I'll flee when the lovers are stationed together
I do this both for you and me, my good friends
So none of these sacred relationships ends.

Written:  02/26/96
 

HOPE

Despair
Rolling like the ocean
Threatening to pull me under
And resign me to the inevitable
The currents pull me
Towards shore
Then out from it
Teasing me with its nearness
How easy it would be
To dwell on what might have been
To wonder "What if...?"
But to do so would be dangerous
For I must keep my head above water
I grasp onto the only thing I can
Hold it tight
Hope
I keep it for it keeps me afloat
Even in this dark ocean
Hope for what might yet be
Hope for the future
I could relax my grip
And sink into the waiting darkness
But I musn't
Hope is all that I have
However unfounded,
However unrealistic,
I have hope
And I intend to hold onto it
With all my might
Until my dying day
When I shant look back
At the failures of the past
But instead look ahead
At the glories yet to come.

Written:  3/2/96
 

RAMBLINGS

Happiness
Despair
Selflessness
Greed
Satisfaction
Regret
Acceptance
Envy
These are the products
Of a tortured mind
One which seeks peace
But finds none
Hope almost exhausted
It seeks not rescue,
but simply someone
To throw out another life preserver
This peace cannot be found in another
Or bestowed
But it must be fought for
By he who seeks it
The demons that lay inside
Must be exorcised
For the final goal
Of peace
To be realized
Only then can the ramblings
Of this twisted mind be silenced
Forever.

Written:  3/2/96
 

LOST CHANCES

Chance siezed
With the best of intentions
Why could I not believe you
When you told me how you felt?
Chance squandered
Mistakes from the past
Coming back to haunt me
Along with my heart of stone
Chance perceived
In my arrogence believing
Your feelings remained
Self - humiliation
A wise man said
"You never know what you have
Until it's gone"
But when I finally realized
What pride and arrogence cost me
It was beyond retrieval
Now
The last straw has been drawn
The apple of my eye
Into the waiting arms of another
My last hope for reconciliation
Snuffed like a candle
In the darkness
That was once and will be again
The sole resident of my heart.

Written:  3/2/96
 

SACRIFICE

My true love
Scorned
By my own fault
Her heart broken
Not one tenth as much as mine
Necessary
For her growth and mine
Her morality in question
Her character assaulted
I set her free
To find herself
At the cost of my heart
Is that not Love?
I will never get another chance
And perhaps it is better thet way
I said
What needed to be said
And my agony
Is a result
That will scar me for life
But will be well worth it
If my pain makes room
For her realization
Of her potential
She will never know to what degree I love her
And that is good
For she will go through enough pain as it is
Finding herself.
If anyone should know that
It is me.

Written: 4/3/96
 

THE RETURN

I have returned
Come full circle
Back to where I started
With one major difference:
I have experienced pain as never before
And endured
And return to the beginning
A new, improved person
I'm back
The guardian
Others before self
But for a different reason
No longer avoiding unpleasant realities about self
But simply being what I am at the core
Helpful
Selfless
It took a short time
But it seemed like an eternity
Because time flies when you have fun
But this was NOT fun
Enemies made
Friends lost
But for a good cause
I want to make a change
A difference for the better
But I have finally started in the right place:
The mirror.
A new man, indeed
Just watch and see.

Written:  4/3/96
 

CHAOS

Maelstrom
Swirling
Burdon of others and self
Borne by myself
Atlas to the world
Carrying it and its troubles
Willingly
Happily
For these broad shoulders were meant
To carry
I once walked alone
The weight too great
And fell
Raised up by a reflection of my goal
Desired, but unattainable
My goal has been attained
But my saviour may not be touched
Through the mirror
I gleefully offer up myself
To carry others through the desert
They say they don't want to burdeon me
They don't want to put me through it
But I've been there
And I'm here to help in whatever way I can
They need me
And I am here for them.

Written:  6/10/96
 

REQUIEM

Mistakes
Too numerous to count
Gnaw at my past, present and future
All rhyme
No reason
Life
Why does this happen?
Too easy to fall
Into the trap of self-pity
But pain is a two way street
Inflicted on both
Conscious or not
So easily snuffed out
Whilst the candle's newest wax still burns
Beware
Finish the unfinished
Make peace with others and self
For the day may come
When the candle is snuffed
And even though some burn longer
Than others
Every candle burns out
Eventually
With a whimper
Or a bang
Find the flame
And enjoy it while it lasts
Be not afraid
For the fire may burn thee
But the beauty of the flame
Makes one forget the pain.
Lament not over the blackened wick
But glorify in the Flame.

Written:  6/11/96
 

FAREWELL
to Robyn

I try to say farewell
But it comes out as goodbye
I try to feel happy for you
But I grieve for myself
I try to feel hope
But all I feel is abandoned

We will see each other again
But time changes us
Mortals
Fate
Will steal you from me
In the prime of our lives
And we will adapt
But even though my mind consoles me
That does my heart no good

Fare thee well, beloved
Find yourself
And make me proud
By doing so.
Worry not about me
But only about yourself
For I must act as guide to others
Be it a blessing or a curse
And I come second in importance
To everyone else.
And especially to you.

The tears will dry.
On both of our cheeks.

Written:  7/21/96
 

BETRAYAL

Two paths
One right, one wrong
I have walked both
Once on the wrong
I look there now
To see those I care about wandering
Aimlessly
Pointlessly
Dazed and confused
They stumble through time
Existing, but not living
My Guide to the Right path
Crosses there now
Driven there by denial
And her refusal to face reality
My loves look over at me
From the path which I so recently trod
And scoff at my foolishness
Shun me for my pain
And the wisdom gained from it
They will read this which I write
And may realize I speak to them
But it will make no difference
For they refuse to see the path which they tread
I want to help them
But they make it difficult
When they wound me
On purpose or accidently
It matters not:
My heart is broken again and again
And I am tempted to leave them to their own
But I cannot.
I am here for one reason only
I must help them to come to this path
But in times like this
Temptation rears its head
And peace from all becomes an option for Atlas
The final one...

Written:  07/04/96