There were the Scots, who kept the Sabbath, and everything else they could lay their hands on...

Then there were the Welsh, who prayed on their knees, and their neighbors...

Thirdly there were the Irish, who never knew what they wanted, but were willing to fight for it anyway...

Lastly there were the English, who considered themselves a self-made nation, thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.

Women's English Dictionary
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision  should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't  want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're  certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever thinkabout?
This kitchen  is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..........
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were  almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am  yelling because I think this is important.
 
Men's English Dictionary
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm  sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person so that you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
 (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse is Having an Affair by Computer

10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand
5. Every day, Bill Gates sends $10 million worth of flowers
4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants
3. During sex, she screams, "A colon backslash enter insert!"
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass
1. Lipstick on the mouse

Top Ten Excuses for Not Winning an Emmy Award

10. "Only been giving 109 percent"
9. "Did away with our old category: Show That Suck Big Time"
8. "Bad press since I strangled that heckler in the balcony"
7. "Show's constant high-pitched hum drove the judges nuts"
6. "Mistakenly tried to impress the Merchant Marine Academy"
5. "Been constantly snubbed ever since I made Yentl"
4. "Many viewers sickened by raw-meat neckties"
3. "Ever since I developed Tourette's syndrome, the show has been more sad than funny"
2. "We actually did win, but the band failed the drug test"
1. "Guess they've seen the show"

Top Ten Least Popular Items at the Disney Store

10. Mickey Mouse Glue Traps
9. 101 Dalmatians Birth-Control Pills
8. "The Visible Goofy" Educational Figure
7. Chocolate-Covered Jiminy Crickets
6. "It's a Small World" Boxer Shorts
5. Rabid Pluto Foaming Cappuccino Maker
4. Sneezy Doll with Runny-Nose Action
3. Aladdin's Two-in-One Lamp and Crack Pipe
2. XXX Cartoon: Chip Does Dale
1. Cryogenic Frozen Waltsicles

Top Ten Things Overheard at the World Conference for Women

10. "You used to date Martina? I used to date Martina!"
9. "If one more person offers me some General Foods International Coffee, I swear I'm gonna puke."
8. "The customs officials seem confused by RuPaul's passport."
7. "Ooooh! Look at the Big Serious Feminist smoking Virginia Slims!"
6. "Hillary's upset because she just called the White House and Gennifer Flowers answered."
5. "I can't wait for the keynote address for Hef."
4. "Are the men gone? Okay-- bring out the Tupperware!"
3. "Which way to Leona Helmsley's Bitch Seminar?"
2. "Hey, Mrs. Mandela! Quit hogging the cookie dough!"
1. "It's simple: Women have boobs. Men are boobs."

Top Ten New McDonald's Offerings for Adults

10. Quarter Fucking Pounder with Goddamn Cheese
9. Nicotine Nuggets
8. McMetamucil Shake
7. The Two-Hookers-and-Charlie-Sheen Sandwich
6. Super Size 32-ounce Martini
5. Double Order of Fries Served in One of Pamela Anderson's Old Bras
4. Ronald Wallbanger
3. Lapdance from the Assistant Manager
2. Actual Meat
1. Happy Meal with Prozac

Top Ten Ways O.J. is Looking for the Real Killers

10. Gets on white courtesy phones at airports; has them page the real killers
9. Before sinking putt, takes a good look inside the cup to make sure they aren't hiding in there
8. Dating top lingerie models who are also top-notch detectives
7. Signing autographs for money-- no killer can resist a good autograph signing
6. Offering reward of a free upgrade on next Hertz rental
5. Braced up box on a stick in his backyard with a carrot inside it
4. Bumper sticker on white Bronco: "Honk If You're the Real Killers"
3. Once the bad guys find out super-psychic Dionne Warwick is on the case, they'll probably turn themselves in!
2. All the furry little woodland creatures and birds have promised to help out their old buddy O.J.
1. Hunkering down with a phone book and a Magic 8-Ball

Top Ten Least Popular Rock Lyrics

10. "Sorry, sweetheart-- not till we're married"
9. "Yo, my man, don't forget to get your auto insurance up to date!"
8. "Eee-yow! Our elected officials are really where it's at!"
7. "We're all alone now, except for my tapeworm"
6. "Let's 'get down' with some home woodburning crafts"
5. "My hot mama's got a yeast infection"
4. "We're gonna watch infomercials all night long!"
3. "The San Diego Metroplex is certainly a pleasant place to raise a family"
2. "Hey hey, ho ho, restrictive fiscal policies by our nation's Federal Reserve have got to go"
1. "I'm gonna rock you some of the night, but then I need my rest for that  job interview tomorrow"
 
Top Ten Least Popular Stripper Names

10. Ginger Vitis
9. Stanley Cupps
8. Lynn Fected
7. Snapple Lady
6. H. Rose Perot
5. Sue DaFed
4. Yogi Bare-ass
3. Tuna Helper
2. Nude Gingrich
1. Tammy Lasorda
 
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Ford

10. "Where quality is job... what, maybe 5... or 6"
9. "You might be a big class-action winner!"
8. "Ford: Because life is too predictable"
7. "Our cars are built with love because our assembly-line workers enjoy unlimited cocktails"
6. "One out of every 50 glove compartments contains an abandoned newborn!"
5. "Turn the key; cross your fingers"
4. They may be fiery death traps, but they're American-made fiery death traps!"
3. "If you have a better idea, could you send it to us?"
2. "You know how they say you should live every day as if it's your last?"
1. "Wouldn't you rather take the bus?"

Top Ten Signs Your New Gym Teacher is Nuts

10. All he's wearing is a whistle
9. Warm-ups include jumping jacks, knee bends, and Jello shots
8. He's made a nice little home for himself under the bleachers
7. Plays Johnny Mathis records while you wrestle
6. Orders you to hover in place for a ten-count
5. Insists on being addressed as "Cap'n Sweaty"
4. Has class pair off for hour-long make-out sessions
3. Makes you hit the showers after each individual push-up
2. Asks you to spot for him in the men's room
1. Your final exam: Three hours on the teeter-totter

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win the New York City Marathon

10. You're losing precious time with your frequent Marlboro breaks
9. They surprise you at the starting line with that rule about "no cars"
8. Suddenly it doesn't seem so damn smart to carry your luggage with you so you can go right to the airport after the race
7. Your three favorite words in the English language are "More pie, please"
6. Before you've gone two miles, one of your four-inch heels snaps off
5. Bad idea to just "duck into" the DMV to get your license renewed
4. You run so damn fast agaisnt the rotation of the earth that you go back in time to when they didn't even have marathons and the old-time New Yorkers gather around you and make fun of your running shorts and then beat the crap out of you
3. You get winded licking stamps
2. Instead of the Eye of the Tiger, you've got the Dull Stare of the Dairy Cow
1. You've just finished last year's marathon

Top Ten Marion Barry Campaign Slogans

10. "Barry: He's Habit-Forming!"
9. "America's Most Wanted Mayor"
8. "Give Me Another Crack at It!"
7. "As Seen on Court TV"
6. "A Vote for Barry Is... Um... I Lost my Train of Thought"
5. "He's Got a Leadership Jones"
4. "At Least You Already Know He's a Criminal!"
3. "I'll Get Drugs Off the Street!"
2. "C'mon! It'll Be Funny!"
1. "I Always Inhaled"

Top Ten Tip-offs To Guys: You're on a Bad Date

10. She whispers to waiter, "Please kill me"
9. Doesn't laugh when you give yourself ketchup sideburns
8. All the wants to talk about is how great it is to work for Heidi Fleiss
7. It's been four hours since she left for the ladies' room
6. You catch her giving her phone number to the guy squeegeeing your windshield
5. Lunges at you several times with a steak knife
4. She keeps calling you "Bachelor Number Three" when she knows damn well that you're Bachelor Number Two!
3. Suggests you get back together with her mother, Mia
2. Seems shocked rather than delighted when you show up at her door sporting a thick, buzzing beard of bees
1. "Whoa! It is 8:15 already!?"

Top Ten Tip-offs To Women: You're on a Bad Date

10. You order a Double Whopper and he says, "Hey, my name ain't Rockerfeller, honey"
9. You have never heard anyone speak at such length and with such intensity about an ant farm
8. Seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine
7. Your dinner reservations are under "Loser, 2"
6. He gets really angry when you tell him you like his Siamese twin brother better
5. He's proud of how long he can sustain a burp
4. You check a dozen encyclopedias and almanacs, but his story about being a Beatle just doesn't pan out
3. Calls to say he'll pick you up as soon as the standoff with the police is over
2. He's clumsily struggling with the clasp of his own bra
1. He's been on Geraldo six times

Top Ten Rejected McDonald's Slogans

10. "Food, Folks, and Triple Bypasses"
9. "Maximum Taste... Minimum Wage"
8. "Somewhat Safer Than Smoking"
7. "Ronald McDonald Touches Most of the Meat Patties"
6. "Hey, Genius! Don't Pour the Scalding Coffee in Your Lap!"
5. "Over 90 Billion Served-- to Clinton alone!"
4. "Take Too Many Ketchup Packets: Go to Jail"
3. "We Heard That Dave Thomas Guy from Wendy's Dresses Up As a Woman"
2. "Happy Meals: Now with Prozac!"
1. "It's GRRRRRRRRRRRRR-EASY!"

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinate period of time.  He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny Knights of the Round Table.  So he went to Merlin for some advice.  After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he’d see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

 A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.  It was a chastity belt...  except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.  “This is no good, Merlin!” the King exclaimed.  “Look at this opening.  How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

 “Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for.  He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway.  He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

 “Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

 After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.  Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.  Immediately he assembled all his Knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.  Sure enough!  Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way.  All of them except Sir Galahad.

 “Sir Galahad!” exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true Knight!  Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.  What is it in my power to grant you?  Name it and it is yours!”

 But Sir Galahad was speechless.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.