2.6.2004
I'm enjoying this cold and rainy day by having slept late, I'm sipping on a nice cup of tea and I'm doing absolutely nothing but what I want to do.

I think my older cat is going senile. She's been howling at nothing in the kitchen for the past half hour. Now she's in here and staring at me. She has fresh food and clean water and the litter boxes are clean. I can't figure out what the hell she wants. She's been doing the howling thing a lot lately, and no she's not in heat, she was spayed many years ago.

Wow, I just realized it's already Friday. Where did the week go??? I think Dylan will be away this weekend, so the house will be quiet and it will also stay clean and tidy! I am going to rent a movie, the one called "Under the Tuscan Sun" or whatever it is. A chick flick sort of movie.

I still have the headache, but the Excedrin stuff is helping keep it to a dull throb. My tummy still isn't feeling good and my appetite is still blah.

The previous entry is a bit disturbing and my thoughts weren't very organized at all. I'm having a lot of bad thoughts again and I wish they would go away. I still can't find another job. That part sucks. I'm waiting on my stock money to arrive so I can pay my mortgage. I'm seriously stressed. Meditation isn't doing much for me, nor is the yoga. I wrote 8 full pages in my notebook journal and that helped a bit. Some of what I wrote there is also in the previous entry. My hand ached after doing so much writing in one sitting! I'm too used to typing!

I'm glad to see ya visiting here Fabio, I do miss you a lot! I wish I had the cash to come visit you!!!!

I wish fruit had less carbs in it. I have to watch the carbs because of the polycystic thing and fruit is my favorite food and I'm not supposed to have much of it. I have a few rasins here and there, but they have 31 grams of carbohydrates in just a 1/4 cup serving! Stupid carbs! The low carb pastas are horrid. Do not try them! Eating cardboard would be more satisfying. They truly taste terrible and the texture is just gross!

On a good note, I've kept 8 pounds off. Eating low carb really makes ones mood and energy get stale as hell. I miss my fruit. I do still drink orange juice, but haven't had any for a few days. I am craving it badly and feel like a herion addict without a fix when I don't have the stuff. However, the lower the carb intake, the more fat that is burned and not created. ugh. I hate this stupid polycystic syndrome. It sucks!

I do my exercises, I take my vitamins and I try to eat as healthy as I can. I hate eating meat and will eventually remove it from my diet and replace it with tofu or something. I like my veggies and fruits and am having a rough time getting rid of the pastas and baked potatoes, but I've not touched them for many days so far. My most favorite veggie at the moment are brussel sprouts with a bit of lemon. I can't seem to get enough of them. mmm! It's a good thing Dylan likes them too. He bitches about a lot of the foods we eat. He gripes a lot and it's very annoying. He won't accept the fact that we are currently poor as hell and have to eat what we can afford.



babbled by me @ 3:34 PM

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It seems that I caught whatever it is that my sister has when she visited the other night. I feel quite yucky and the headache I woke up with was the worst one I've ever had in my life. I took some of the excedrin stuff for migraines and that lessened the pain, but I feel it coming on strong once more.

I tried laying down to sleep, but I having spent so much time in bed earlier has messed up my sleeping pattern even worse. I couldn't help it though, I could barely even move around or stay awake.

I guess the reason that I'm getting sick so often is because I have the sinus thing going on. I rarely got sick before I had a child. I maybe had a stomach bug once every two years or so and a cold or two a year. Once I became a mother, I began getting sick all the time. I was around my little sister all the time beforehand, so being exposed to kid germs and whatnot is not the blame. We wash our hands properly and I take all the necessary precautions to keep the house free of germs and all that stuff. I really don't leave the house much, so I'm not always being exposed to other people's germs either.

It's pretty weird.

I also had no allergies before I had a child either! After having Dylan, I started getting all sorts of food allergies and intolerances. There are more foods that I can't eat than I am allowed to consume and I'm always paranoid as hell when I eat out because I can't eat anything that has come in contact with shellfish. One would think that it wouldn't be difficult to avoid that food, but it is.

I really don't want to go to work next week. I don't look forward to being around all the racist and negative people again. I swear, sometimes I really can understand people that have 'gone postal' at work and taken out the entire bunch of their co-workers with a gun. Those people just are intolerable! It sounds bad (to some), but I can honestly say that I'd be happy if half of them dropped dead. Many times I just wanted to reach over and strangle one of those ghetto bitches with my bare hands. Just thinking of doing such a thing made it even more tempting. I swear they will end up driving me to the point where I do snap one day. But that's okay. I must go to work. Aetna, my doctors and Wayne say I have to go back. So I will, no matter how *I* feel about it. The thoughts and feelings I have about those people and my manager don't matter. I must get back to work like a good girl.

Nope, I'm not ready to return. I seriously doubt I will ever be ready.

Yes, I know I would go to jail for such actions, but honestly I no longer even care.

Why not? Because I really have nothing left to care about. Yes, I have a son, but he doesn't pay much attention to me. Nor does my husband. My family? I rarely see them or even talk to them. My place of residence really wouldn't matter much, the amount of contact I share with them would be the same. Nobody really loves me or cares *that* much about me. Oh, they may say they care, but who is really here for me? Who would notice I'm even gone? My cat, Cricket, might notice. She's the only one that shows me true affection. She's the only being in this world that truly loves me.

I need more than just a pet that loves me. I need someone that I can trust and that will show me love and allow me to feel the same way about them. I can't love someone that lies to me and that I do not trust. I need someone that I have things in common with. Someone that talks to me, not at me. I need someone that listens to me and never ignores me. It hurts to have found that person, someone that I can love and do love, but to only have them not feel the same way. I know that I will always be alone because of this and it kills me inside.

I hate my family. How could they let me live with an abusive person for all those years? I was beaten. I was abused all the time. He tried to rape me when i was just a little girl! The abuse was just too much for me to handle. Now, I'm still expected to just forget it all and to 'get over it' as if it never even happened. He fucked up my head and I seriously doubt I will ever fully recover from it. But, I'm expected to just drop it.

When I told grandma that I was abused and that my step-father tried to rape me, she told me I was a liar! Who the fuck does she think she is?!? She needs to step out of her little fantasy world and face reality. She should have saved me from that man, but no, she shopped and went on her trips with friends while I suffered. Fuck her. I hope she dies.

I still want to kill that son of a bitch that my mom married for all that shit that he did to us. After he tried to rape me, I spent years and years sleeping with a knife or something sharp. Even fourteen years later, I still have nightmares about him at least six nights out of the week. I am still scared of him after all this time. His mother lived next door to us and saw the beatings and fights and how he would destroy everything in our house. She saw it all and called mom and me liars. If there is a hell, I hope they burn in it for eternity. They do not deserve the right to breathe.

After all the shit that I've been through and am STILL going through, people wonder why I want to take my life. Isn't it obvious? I've had my fill of bad things and do not wish to suffer anymore. My death will not change the world, few will even notice that I'm gone or even care.

Yes, I am working on making myself better, but do these people seriously think that putting me in that work enviornment is actually healthy for me and will make me better? Hell, work is part of the reason I tried to kill myself! Now they are making me go back to that place? It boggles the mind.

I am certain that I will snap when I go back. If I do, it will be all my fault and that of nobody else. I said I'm not ready. That's my fault, of course. I asked for the fucking Xanax so I could cope with going back in there, but was denied it. At least give me something to let me handle the stress and bullshit that they are going to put me through. Is it that fucking difficult to do? Obviously it is. I have no choice but to return and just wait for the day when someone just gives me too much shit and I snap their neck like a twig. I know it will happen, but when is just something we will have to wait on.

All of this has been negative, but it is also the truth. It's how I feel. Placing me back in that place will make me a danger to myself and to others. I've said it before, but obviously as usual, my words are ignored.

Finding another job may sound like a great thing, but it also doesn't mean that there won't be problems elsewhere as well. No place is perfect. This is something that I know to be true. How much I can cope with is what I must work on. I've dealt with a lot of crap in jobs before and handled it okay. I've had my bad moments, as we all have had. You can only take so much shit from people. I had the worst boss ever, but I didn't let him see how his actions bothered me. I've worked crap jobs, but I did them well and vented my frustrations when outside the workplace. The place I work now is worse than every bad thing put together. I loathe that place. I hate the people there. I want out of that place so badly. I know there are better departments in that company, but leaving where I am currently working is really difficult. The actual friends I made there will agree, it's VERY difficult to leave that department once you get in. I've gotten turned down for jobs there because I'm 'too qualified' or have gotten a job I posted for only to have the department and job position deleted from the company. It sucks terribly. I'm stuck. I can't quit, I need the health insurance. I have to pay bills. I have to find a new job *then* quit. Argh.

I'm so frustrated. I'm getting even more depressed than before. The suicidal thoughts are worse than before. I'm so over this crap. I want out. I want it all to end.


babbled by me @ 1:34 AM

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