1.19.2004
I'm feeling a lot better and am glad the stupid flu is gone, though I'm still achy as hell. I've been doing a lot of organizing in the house and am almost done with it all.

Dylan spent the weekend with his grandma and went swimming at the gym again. School is closed today, so he will be home from grandma's house later this evening. He has a pile of clothes to put away when he gets here too!

I felt strong urges to hurt myself again last night. I saw a birthday video from when Dylan turned 2 and it had my mom in it. I cried and cried. Thinking about losing her, not having the life I wanted, not being able to have more children and a bunch of other stuff really got to me. Being still married to someone that won't get a job and contribute is really getting to me. He needs to support his son. I'm really tired of his ass not making money.

It saddens me to see other females with husbands that actually work hard and support their family. I worked my ass off for years so I could make decent money and contribute. He thinks that $10 an hour or not working is sufficient. Not for me. I want to be able to pay bills *and* afford food, actually own more than one pair of jeans and maybe actually have money saved. Right now, it's not possible. I am frustrated to the point that I don't want to go on anymore. I'm tired of all of this crap. I want to have another child and be a stay at home mom. I want to have a garden and time to take care of my children and always have a clean home. I know this will never happen, but it is my wish. I hate living.


babbled by me @ 11:30 AM

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