~~brought to you by your roving reporter, Black Arachnia~~

Dark secrets. We all have them. We all try to hide them from others. But it's hard trying to hide them from eyes as prying as mine. *laughs darkly* Ever get the feeling you're not alone when you need to be? Bwwwaahhaaaahaa! I got spy cams everywhere! So let's starts with:

Terrosaur plays with dolls! Really! You should see his Bar-B Glamour-bot collection! But don't let him catch you messing with Bar-B's Dreamship, unless you wanna be slagged!

Cheetor is Hanson's #1 fan. Even though the girly boy band has be dead for nearly 300 years, (after certain Decepticon and Autobot boom boxes "accidentally" stumbled and fell on them simutaneously, squashing them flatter than a data disk) Hanson mania lives on as a fringe. Cheetor has ALL their records, as well as several pieces of memorabila sealed in plas-glas, including locks of each bandmembers' hair!

Tarantulus. We all know he's sick and twisted, the perv-bot who haunts our darkest nightmares... but did you know that where our local Dr. Mengala spends his days off? Much to the surprise this unwilling previous protege of the creepy cyber-surgeon, Tarantulus can be found every seventh-cycle at Cybertron Repair Bay for Underprivaleged and Terminally Defective Child-Bots, where he entertains the patients as Bot-Zo the clown, bringing bright smiles to young faces with his silly antics and balloon animals.

Everyone thinks of Rhinox as a gentle, peace-loving old codger, right? Well this reporter, under deep cover and at great personal risk, has discovered the ugly truth! Rhinox secretly runs the Cybertronian Mafia with an iron fist, crushing all who oppose him! It is said that it was Rhinox, and Rhinox alone, who ordered the assasinations of three Maximal elders and a member of the Tripredicous council!

Rampage, that known lover of pain, suffering, and mayhem, recently has shown his caring side, when he turned up at a local CSPCA dinner. Rampage says that he believes that every-bot should be kind to animals--the purely biological ones, that is. He spoke at length against the fur and veal industries of Earth, as well as encouraging everyone to spay or neuter their pets. But the biggest shock of the night? Rampage revealed himself to be a strict vegetarian!

It is said power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. It is to be expected that our leaders secrets would be darkest off all. So without futher ado...

The noble Optimist Primal...yeah, right! Primal collects and trades some of the sickest, most twisted porn you can find--some of it illegal! It's believed he has the largest privately-held collection on Cybertron! I've seen it with my own eyes. Even worse, he surreptitiously takes pictures of his crew-mates in their most intimate moments, including yours truly and my beau. But next time he looks, he'll find he's a few images short. >:\

Megatron really is a queen--a simply fabulous drag queen!! He won 'Most Beautiful Over-All' in this year's Miss Drag Universe. His favorite thing to curl up in in private is a sheer pink bathrobe trimmed in moa with matching camisole and slippers. To think, all these years, we thought Inferno was defective! Turns out he was right all along.

Hidden Talents...

I've found that a couple of our fellow transformers have hidden talents. Why would anyone hide their talents, you say? Well, if you a Pred, or a former Pred, having certain talents will only earn you a slagging!

I was walking down in the art district the other day. As I passed by the Cybertron Theater of Dance, I was much suprised to see none other that our own Inferno featured on the bill. The Ant-bot will be dancing the lead in Swan Lake.

But he's not the only one with talent! Dinobot, I am told, has a lovely singing voice! This comes to me from two intrepid individuals who requested I not mention their names. We'll call them 'Spots' and 'Squeak'. They were on their way to pay a visit to the crusty lizard-bot, when they heard what they thought was someone playing an excellent version of Pagliacci. Knowing that Rhinox is a big opera fan, they tracked down the source of the music, hoping they might persuade it's owner to sell or trade them a copy. They found themselves at Dinobot's door. It was (according to our intrepid agents) unlocked, so they entered. Inside, they found Dinobot singing in the sonic cleaner. Dinobot was so delighted to share his gift, he pursued his friends for several kliks, waving his cleasing brush, which I hear he brandished like a sword. Fortunately, 'Squeak' managed to record a good bit of Dinobot's performance before Dinobot realized he had guests, and is happy to let anyone curious have a listen.

'Intimate' Details

~what goes one behind closed doors~

You know I love my Silver Bolt, but the boy's got a problem--with sex addiction. He has to have it all the time, and in as many places and positions as possible. If there's a risk of getting caught, then it's all the sweeter! But being the 'lady of many talents' that I am, I know how to keep him happy. One time, when we were alone, we decided intimate on the bridge of the Ark, with the sleeping heroes of the Great war looking on. No sooner we got our groove on, everyone returned early. Fortunately, there is a secret compartment beneath the command chair of Optimis Prime. We rolled between his legs, through the secret panel and finished up there, directly beneath the posterior of the greatest Autobot hero of The Great War, while everyone was milling about just outside.

We all Depth Charge has it in for Rampage, and everyone thinks they know why. While it's true Depth Charge lost a lot of friends when Rampage destroyed Omicron Theta, the real reason Depth Charge wants vengence on Rampage is the Crabcake jilted him! Yes, the truth of the matter is, that Depth Charge and Rampage were once an item! But Depth Charge was ashamed of their love, and refused to acknowlege it in public. This led to their eventual ugly breakup that resulted in the colony's destruction. So our advice to our friend Depth Charge is to come out of the storage bay! There's nothing wrong with being gay, and Rampage has told me he would take you back, but only if you are willing to be honest about your relationship. Do it for love!!!

Stranger Than Fiction Truths No One Will Believe

Rat Trap takes great effort to make himself out as so-called 'ladies' bot, who hangs out in sleazy dives and will hit on anything with long legs and nice torso-plates. However, his mate of 157 mega-cycles declares that at home, he is caring and faithful, and a devoted father to their 23 children.

Quick Strike, for all his country bumkin demeanor, dopey ways and total lack of fashion sense, (Which we will spotlight in our yearly "Cybertron's Worst Dressed" iss.) recently joined MENSA, where he is now a high ranking member. Go figure.

Scorponok may be ugly and stupid, but believe it or not, he may also be Cybertron's greatest lover! Wherever he goes, the scorpion-bot is surrounded by a bevy of beautiful fem-bots, both Predicon and Maximal, each willing to sing his praises. It is claimed that his technique is among the best and his staying power unequaled. Your favorite roving reporter would have to agree. *looks sheepish and winks* Hey, I wasn't DEAD before I met Silver Bolt! Besides, some things have to be tried to be believed. The downside? He is the envy of all Cybertronian males, some of whom so jealous they have even made attempts on his life. (Including everyone's favorite crime boss, Rhinox. And probably Silverbolt, too, once he reads this.)

That concludes this edition of the Cybertronian Inquirer.

[Disclaimer: The following has be a spoof. Any attempts to take this seriously or a personal offense is punishable by death! ;)]

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