7 Commandments of Beeper Etiquette
(taken from CNET.com)
1. Do not wear it on an evening date.
Lunchtime meetings are OK--you're still straddling the gap between work and leisure when grabbing a bite with that someone special--but in the immortal words of Laura Branigan: "It's the nighttime that flatters." Remember that you didn't ask your companion to spend the evening watching you return calls or frown at the latest message received. Further, if you think that your beeper will make you look important and that receiving multiple messages will increase your status exponentially, you must immediately reconsider your readiness to date in toto. If it's the drug-dealer look you're going for, consider gold plating an incisor. You'll get the cachet without the risk of techno backlash.
One caveat: surgeons awaiting notification about the delivery of an organ suitable for a transplant operation, or other such lifesaving news, are excused from this rule.
2. If you give a child a beeper, never ever complain about it.
Latchkey kids, working parents, and child care--these are the issues that prompt caring child rearers to arm their babies with beepers. However, the notion that your child will considerately use his or her pager solely as a means of returning your calls i s as naive as believing that four shots of tequila really will make you rich.
Be prepared for games of telephone tag, the inability to get through on any of your home phone lines, and the distraction of your pride and joy whipping his or her way into one of the most aggressive social subcultures in schools today. There are arcane codes used to express a variety of messages, and the constant cross-signaling and its attendant noise level have inspired some schools to ban pagers altogether. Find out your di strict's ruling before you buy. And don't think age is much of a deciding factor. Whether your child is 7 or 18 or somewhere in between, he or she will exhibit the same modes of behavior.
Finally, while your young ones may clamor, threaten, and promise the moon to get their hands on a pager, consider the source. Children forget to feed their pets, lose their glasses, and occasionally stick screwdrivers in light sockets. When you open the washing machine to find your investment April-fresh and totally usele ss, remember that it's your fault entirely.
3. No more "I love you's" after the first month.
The effective half-life of "I love you" messages is very short, so you should certainly share this rule with anyone who may be tempted to send tender remembrances. There is a one-month grace period if you are acquiring your first electronic pager or if your amor changes. After that, saccharine-sweet billets-doux turn into annoying embarrassments. Ignore the ad campaigns, too.
Under no circumstances, and with no window of experimentation, should you send or receive personal messages of the more graphic nature. If your pager is stolen, who cares who reads what? But if you accidentally leave your pager in the restroom or break area and coworkers find it, imagine their furtive glee when reading:
Hello Teddy Bear. I know you're in the middle of a meeting, but when you **** last night with your ****, it drove me wild. I'm **** right now. Until tonight --Chin-Chin.
Now imagine these formerly respectful colleagues handing the pager back to you. Do you get the bone-chilling picture?
4. Use the Vibrate setting.
If a jacket muffles the sound, it's somewhat better, but not much. You'll be less conspicuous and much less annoying if your pager quietly gives you, and only you, a gentle thrill. However, you must learn to control your unsightly beepilepsy when receiving a message. A Tourette's syndrome-like shriek or unsettling physical quiver announces to the world that you are an unstable person, not a mover and shaker with your finger on the pulse of the business world.
5. Avoid discussing the messages you receive unless they're directly relevant to the person or group you are with.
You're at the bar, surrounded by your cronies. The pager vibrates. You look down to find that you've made a not insignificant pile of cash by going short on pork bellies. You raise your highball and your chin and, in your best Thurston Howell voice, propose a toast that manages to salute your own cleverness while somehow magically remaining delightfully modest.
Don't give in to the fantasy. Lovey and Thurston belonged on an uncharted isle as penance for off-the-chart pretentiousness--and they were sitcom characters to boot. Don't let it happen to you. A judiciously raised eyebrow and a satisfied "Hmph" is more stylishly enigmatic. Besides, a new yacht will tell them everything they need to know.
6. Giving a beeper as a gift does not mean that you pay for the service.
If you do give a child a beeper (see 2nd Commandment), you must certainly pay the bill. But as a gift for an adult, the hardware alone is sufficient. When giving a DVD player, must you provide the films for the rest of the user's life? Some pagers come with a service contract, and you can always spring for that if you're feeling generous, but it isn't compulsory.
7. Never give out your beeper number to a potential love interest before the conclusion of the third date.
Perhaps the most crucial of the lot is saved for last.
Why do we not give our pager numbers out upon first meeting? Two reasons. First, if you give out only your pager number, you run the risk of looking like someone without two dimes to rub together. No home number? No work number? You're either married and trying to have an affair, or you're living in your car.
"But what about giving out a home/work contact and a pager number?" you ask? My friend, there is nothing more desperate than someone handing out multiple points of contact in the crucial beginning stages. You might as well wear a baseball cap that reads, "Lonely." Make that a crocheted hat. I personally prefer the work number, as it allows you to maintain a professionally cool distance if your budding romance blossoms into your own personal bowl of hemlock.
Why is it OK after the third date? After the third date, you more often than not know if you want to see this person again, and giving out your pager number is one relatively harmless step toward the possibility of serious dating.