| Monday September 30th 2002 I've encountered a couple of women in the last couple of weeks who were unusually friendly. My first thought was 'where were you when I was looking?'; my second was 'I'm probably just seeing this in a more optimistic light than I was when I was alone and pessimistic'. The third was more interesting. I realized I get defensive and suspicious when especially attractive women appear to show a personal interest in me. I've always been that way, and it's worth trying to explore why since I'm really not sure what the answer is. I tend to give these women the cold shoulder. I suppose it's a stereotype thing. I have a picture in my mind of what these women want in a guy - spontaneous, edgy, risk-taking, power-hungry, ambitious. A number of qualities I don't have - and don't regret not having. I like me. I'm quiet, introspective and cautious. I've never considered myself the stereotypical male. I recall a university psych class where I was asked my opinion on something as a man, and I gave the flat answer that I couldn't respond to that since I don't consider my perspective to be representative of guys in general. I suppose I picture stereotypical guys and gals to be perfect matches for one another. And, attractive though slim and slender blatantly friendly women may be, as a group I'm suspicious of who I expect they want me to be, or to become. I'm concerned about the pressure I would feel to live up to that in order to keep their attention. So I steer clear. I feel that LA values and wants the things I like most about myself. Had she turned out to be a Hollywood style beauty-queen I would have forgiven her (so to speak), since I had time to trust her from meeting her online first. Otherwise I would have anticipated her wanting me to be 'fun', in a sense of fun I've never related to. The beer-swilling, football tossing, fast car driving, boogy dancing kind of fun. It's good that she doesn't want that from me. It's perfect that she wants who I really am. She's on a business trip today, so I won't be hearing from her. I think this is the only day this month that I haven't. I miss her. |