| Thursday April 4th 2002 An unusual sense of despondency mixed with untimely computer crashes is enough to make you scream - if I weren't at work. Deep breaths ... 1 ... 2.... 3 .... okay!! What I was trying to say for 40 minutes before my computer crashed, then for another 20 before it crashed again, and what I'm going to say now even if it does go beyond my lunch hour, was essentially this: I thew out a bunch of old birthday and Christmas cards from my ex last night, and it hurt more than I expected. They were cute stuff, like 'To the king in his castle - from the power behind the throne'. It takes a while to find someone you can love and build a relationship with to the point where they'll give you things like that. You can't do it in days, mabye not even several weeks. Yesterday, coincidentally, I also noticed a wedding ring on the finger of the young lady I was admiring on the bus. It was like a big glaring caution sign, reminding me of more embarrassing pre-marriage blunders. But (as I went on to write twice before) what's the worst that happens as we stumble our way through attempts to find romance? You smile at someone and they give you the cold shoulder; or you marry the wrong person and get divorced. Big deal. I can tell you it hurts less than perceived lost opportunities. I owe an apology to the cute chick who sat next to me at my highschool graduation, and a couple of others. Women I ignored when I didn't want to take the associated risk. I think it would have hurt us less if I'd tried. So that was pretty much it, except I said it more eloquently the last two times when I still had sufficient patience - now I'm just hoping that doesn't happen a third time. I'm moving another vanload of stuff to the apartment tonight and tomorrow, then doing the big move this weekend. Hopefully that's the end of these mementoes I keep discovering when I'm packing. |