Seeking Forgiveness From Others
By Woodrow Kroll
If you think granting forgiveness is hard, try asking for it. There's almost nothing harder to do than admitting you were wrong, nothing quite so humbling as confessing failure, few acts as painful as returning to the person you sinned against and seeking forgiveness. It makes us vulnerable; it puts our pride and dignity at risk. They may laugh at us, or ridicule us or worse yet, get angry. And who wants to face that? Still, forgiveness is something you and I need to seek from others, probably more often than we care to admit.
Well, from the pages of God's Word, we want to see our biblical mandate and encouragement for seeking forgiveness from those we've wronged or sinned against. It's not an easy or enjoyable task, and you may come up with every possible excuse to get out of doing it, but it's clearly taught in God's Word and that's our code of conduct as followers of Jesus Christ. Today, folks, we are going to see what the Bible has to say about when it is our turn to ask for forgiveness.
You see, this is the flip side of our study yesterday. Today we will explore the appropriate ways for us to ask forgiveness from others. Is it really necessary? What if the other person is unwilling to forgive us? You see those are big issues, aren't they? But the Bible has answers for those issues and we want to see what the Bible has to say.
Now if you thought granting forgiveness was hard, try asking for it. That's one of the toughest things we have to do as Christians. That's why the two least words heard in the English language are, "I'm sorry." Is it really necessary? Is it really necessary that I go to someone and ask for forgiveness when I have wronged them?
Well I don't know that you are going to like that answer, but I think the Bible says, "Yes, it is." Remember what Jesus said. Matthew 5:23-24, "For if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."
Now let's make sure we have this correct. If our brother has something against us, then we are the offender and he the offendee. Here we are told to go to him if we have offended someone. But didn't Jesus reverse that order in Matthew 18:15? "Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault." See, in this verse you the offendee is told to go to the offender. Why is that?
Well I think the reason is, Jesus covered it both ways, folks. If the offended party always went to the offender for reconciliation and the offended one for reconciliation do you know what would happen? We'd meet in the middle, wouldn't we? And you know--that's not a bad place for us to meet.
Yeah, it is necessary for you to go the one who has offended you and ask for forgiveness, and yes, it is necessary for you to go to the one you have offended and seek repentance. Ah, but listen to me folks. The Bible tells you that you are always the one that needs to go. Now don't wait on the other person. If you are spiritual enough to understand God's Word, you are spiritual enough to make the first move.
But I know there are going to be objections to your going and seeking forgiveness. There always are. We always come up with a great number of exceptions to Jesus' rule and somehow, isn't it interesting, those exceptions always seem to apply to our case.
Well, what are the most common excuses Christians give hoping they will get out of going to someone and asking for forgiveness? Sometimes Christians say, "Oh, it happened before I was saved. You know, all things are now under the blood. I'm a new creature in Christ." But your new Lord, my friends, still says to you, "Go."
Now, once we are saved, our sins are forgiven. We still have a responsibility to make things right if we can. Remember Zacchaeus? He repaid all those from whom he had stolen. His wrongs were before he was saved. Luke 19:8 says, "Then Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, "Look Lord, I give half of my goods to the poor; and if I have taken anything from anyone by false accusation, I restore fourfold."
You see, folks, it does not matter when it happened. Go and make it right. Everything Zacchaeus did, he did before he came to trust Christ. But after he trusted Christ, that's when restoration kicked in. "Yeah," a lot of people say, "well, okay. It's an exception for me because it happened before I was saved." The Bible doesn't say that's an exception, the Bible says, "Go."
Secondly, a lot of people say, "What I did was so insignificant, it just doesn't matter." Well, friend, if it is big enough to bother you, it's big enough for you to go. Isn't it?
Since it came to your mind, I'd say it is big enough to bother you. Perhaps you've been stealing pens or pencils from the office. Maybe you've been stretching your lunch hour a little longer than you are allowed. Maybe you've been snacking at the grocery store and not paying for what you've eaten. See, all these things seem like such little things, don't they? But the way to get free from a troubled conscience is to go and seek forgiveness. Nothing is too insignificant.
Sometimes people say, "I can't do it, I can't make it right, I don't know where that person is." Perhaps the person you wronged has moved far away from you. Maybe it was a neighbor and you have to make an effort to track that neighbor down. So, what should you do? Make the effort.
You see, I still have students from twenty sometimes thirty years ago write me every now and then and confess they cheated on an exam. But making the effort was worth it. They repented, I forgave them, now they are free from their guilt. That's the way it is supposed to be. Regardless of what the effort is, regardless of what it takes, you need to make the effort. You can make it right.
Some people say, "Well, I can't do it because I can't afford to do it. I mean, there is money involved."
So, if you stole pencils, replace the pencils or pay for them. If you stole money, replace the money. If you're sincere in seeking forgiveness, you may have to tell the Internal Revenue Service that you have cheated on your tax forms and at the very least, that may mean a payment of those back taxes. It may even mean a fine.
So, which is better? To make it right, even if you cannot afford it, or to carry a guilty conscience to your grave and ultimately to the judgment seat of Christ? No, make it right, folks. Seek forgiveness. It's easy to say, isn't it? But it's not so easy to do.
When you seek forgiveness, I wonder how you should do it. What does the Bible say? What are some biblical principles relating to asking for forgiveness? Well, that's what today's broadcast is all about so let's talk about those things. What does the Bible say, what is the right way for you to go and seek forgiveness from someone? Let me suggest several things to you:
1) You need to start with God. Confess your sin to Him. Confess your sin to the One against whom you really have sinned. Seek His forgiveness first. 1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Number one, start with God.
2) Get a right perspective. Remember that forgiveness is canceling a debt. You're going to someone to ask them to cancel your debt to them. And if they choose not to do it, that's their business and it's God's business. You do what is right, even if no one else does. Get a right perspective on this.
3) When you are asking forgiveness of someone, take responsibility. You see, forgiveness is never one-sided. Never expect the other person even to share in the blame. You're dealing only with your guilt, your attitude, that's the responsibility. Say to yourself, As far as I am concerned, it's my sole responsibility to make things right. And when you go to that person, never say, "If I've offended you, I'm sorry." You know what folks? There are no ifs about it. Take responsibility. Don't be conditional. Do the right thing. Take the responsibility. Be proactive.
I remember reading a story one time about two farmers who were involved in a lawsuit over exactly where the fence between their two properties ought to be. And finally one of the farmers sold his land--he just sold out, he moved on. And when the new farmer moved in the place that he had purchased, soon the farmer who was agitated at his neighbor came to the new farmer and he said, "They tell you 'bout this farm? I just want to inform you, you have bought a lawsuit."
The new farmer said, "Yes, I know."
And the neighboring farmer said, "Well, I want you to know that fence is two feet on my land and it cheats me out of two feet of land."
The newcomer said kindly, "Well, let's move it back four feet."
"No, no, no, that's more than I ask."
But the new neighbor said, "I would rather have peace with my neighbors, than a few feet of earth."
And as the story goes on, the neighbor farmer quietly said, "If that's the way you feel about it, the fence stays right where it is and the lawsuit is off."
You see, when you take responsibility, when you are proactive in dealing with difficulties you have with others, the need for forgiveness, God takes responsibility in forgiving. And He helps you forgive and you receive forgiveness. He helps the other person forgive and He forgives both of you. I'll tell you, friends, that's a deal you cannot turn down.
4)keep short accounts. Don't put off seeking forgiveness until you have you have a whole list of things to confess. Ask for forgiveness as soon as the offense occurs and as often as it occurs.
You men, one of the best ways for you to get along with your wife--for you to go to bed every night and think about all of the things you've done that have probably offended her that day and no matter how long it takes, get all those debts cancelled. That's why the Bible tells us about not allowing the sun to go down on our wrath. Keep short accounts. Don't let things build up. Deal with all of the little things every day so the little things don't become big things sometime in your life.
5) Maintain small circles. You know the scope of your confession will be determined by the scope of your transgression. I want to say that again because that's important. The scope of your confession will be determined by the scope of your transgression. The fewest number of people possible should hear you ask for forgiveness. See, personal sin should be kept very personal. Ask only God to forgive you because if it's personal sin you and God are the two involved.
Private sin should be confessed in private--only those involved. And if it's your wife or your husband, then confess to God and to them and to them only. Public sin should be confessed publicly, in the right setting, such as before the church today.
See, the smallest concentric circle in which you sin in is also the smallest concentric circle in which you ask for forgiveness. You do not need to blab to the church all of the things you have done. You only need to confess them to the ones against whom you have done them.
Now if your sin is public, obviously you need to go public with that sin. You need to publicly ask for forgiveness from all those who know of your sin. But it is important that you maintain the smallest circles possible in dealing with your sin. Nothing is gained, nobody is benefited, by you making a public display of sin that nobody knew about anyway and nobody was affected with anyway.
6) Make confession personal. I think it's important if you're going to confess sin to someone, somebody you've hurt, I think it is important that you go to that person, go to that individual.
Telephone calls and letters are very weak substitutes--weak substitutes for asking forgiveness in person. You know what the worst thing that has happened in the last fifty years? E-mail! People trying to communicate via e-mail.
Now look, you and I use e-mail everyday, but e-mail does not convey emotion. You can never kid on e-mail. You can never joke on e-mail unless you tell people it's a joke. You can never apologize on e-mail. Go to the individual, unless the person is a great distance away and you cannot confess in person.
Go to them. And if you can't go, then call them. I think that's the next most personal thing. If you can't call then write them. Make your request for forgiveness a personal thing. Make it as personal as possible. Don't allow yourself to be guilty of not making your confession in person.
One of my favorite stories about Winston Churchill...Churchill was a remarkable fellow. I love reading biographies of Churchill and reading stories about him. And one of the stories is one night at a dinner party, Lady Churchill was seated across the table from Sir Winston and Winston kept making his hand walk up and down, two fingers, bent at the knuckles. The fingers appeared to be walking toward Lady Churchill.
And finally her dinner partner asked, "Why is Sir Winston looking at you so wistfully and whatever is he doing with those knuckles on the table?" Lady Churchill responded, "Oh, that's simple. We had a mild quarrel before we left home and he's indicating that it's his fault and he's on his knees, to me, with his apology."
I think that's neat, don't you? I mean, he could not wait until the end of the dinner party to make his confession to his wife.
7) If you're the one who needs to ask for forgiveness, principle number seven is make amends. Do the right thing. Make amends. Be a Zacchaeus not a weasel.
If you have taken merchandise from a store, return it. If you have stolen a good person's reputation, restore it. Do an about face. And don't just go back, go beyond back. Make amends, make it right. Remember Zacchaeus? I mean here's an example of a fellow who had a lot to make amends about. And he not only gave back what he stole, he gave four times what he took. That's making amends.
There is nothing better than having your conscience cleared and your sins forgiven. And if you need to ask someone to forgive you, don't put it off. You only do so to your own anguish. Be a spiritually mature Christian. Be responsible. Do the right thing.
Now folks, I know it is not easy to go to someone, face to face, and admit that you've wronged them. It's like the woman who said to her friend, "I am not used to talking to your face, I normally talk behind your back." But difficulty is not the issue here folks, responsibility is. If you have wronged someone, offended someone, if you've cheated someone, slandered, lied about someone, if you've stolen from someone, if you've been unfaithful to someone, whatever it is--make it right.
Get it right with God first. Confess your sin to Him first because ultimately He's the One you've sinned against. And then, get it right with that person. Ask for forgiveness. You know why? Because it's the right thing to do.
By Woodrow Kroll
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