Forgiving Others Who Have Hurt Us
By Woodrow Kroll
You know, forgiveness is a key part of our relationship with the Lord. It's through His Son, Jesus Christ, that we've been granted forgiveness for our sins. And it's God's example that we are to follow as we forgive others. That's why it's important that we understand what forgiveness is all about. And in our study today we'll see how we are to practice forgiveness as we deal with the people who hurt us or wrong us. I think the practice may be a key to getting this thing right--this forgiving others--it's not something we do naturally, is it?
No, it really isn't. It takes a lot of practice. There's something down deep inside of all of us that wants revenge. We want to get back at someone. This is not natural to forgive. It is supernatural, though, folks, and the more we allow the Holy Spirit of God to work through us in forgiveness, the more we will become like God. Well I think the question we're asking and answering today is one that's on the minds of a lot of Christians, "When is it necessary to forgive others?"
Believe it or not this question seems to plague the Christian mind. You know, we want to do the right thing, I'm sure of that. But I'm not so certain that we already don't know what the right this is. It may seem unreasonable, it may seem difficult, but it is the right thing, and I think we really know what it is. Listen folks, are you embarrassed to forgive people? I have to admit sometimes I am.
People come to me or they write me and they say, "You know, I said something unkind about you, I misjudged you, would you forgive me?" I think it's harder to forgive people than it is to ask for forgiveness. Don't you find that true? You know, I was thinking about this last night, and I thought, There are several reasons in my life why I know it's hard to grant forgiveness to others.
First of all, sometimes we have difficulty granting forgiveness because we don't know what we're supposed to do. See, we just don't understand God's Word and the requirement to be forgiving.
So what does God's Word say? Well, Ephesians, chapter 4, verse 32 says, "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ also forgave you." Now, you know what that means--that we're to respond to others as God responded to us. We're to respond in forgiveness in the same way that God responded to us in forgiveness. Jesus said, "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses." That's Mark, chapter 11, verse 25.
Hey, friends, that's serious stuff. Don't let there be any confusion in our thinking. God wants us to forgive one another. And sometimes we have difficulty granting forgiveness because we don't know what we're supposed to do. The Bible says we are to forgive as God forgave us.
Secondly, sometimes it's hard for me to grant forgiveness because of pride. Maybe that's true for you, too. I mean, after all, when our pride has been hurt it's easier to bear a grudge than it is to forgive, isn't it? Listen to the words of Proverbs 13, verse 10, "By pride comes only contention, but with the well-advised is wisdom." Proverbs 10, verses 12 and 13, "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins. Wisdom is found on the lips of him who has understanding."
I think the thing that gets in the way of forgiving other people sometimes, is pride. To refuse to forgive someone is to destroy that person--and remember pride goes before destruction. That's what the Bible says.
Sometimes it's hard for us to grant forgiveness because of a bitter spirit, something we're harboring toward that person who has wronged us. They come to us and they want us to forgive them and we may even say, "Oh yes, I forgive you," but our spirit never does. Remember just before Paul counseled us to be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, this is what he said, "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice." That's Ephesians 4, verse 31.
See, folks, you and I cannot possibly allow the two to co-exist in our hearts--bitterness and forgiveness. One of them will cancel out the other. And those feelings of bitterness make us want to get even, don't they? Feelings of tenderheartedness make us want to forgive. So if there's some bitterness toward the person who's wronged you in your life, you're not very apt to want to forgive them.
Today on Back to the Bible, we're talking about the need to forgive others. And we're thinking about what the Bible has to say about why it's so hard for us to do that. One of my favorite stories comes from Dale Carnegie. Dale Carnegie used to tell the story about a grizzly bear in Yellowstone National Park. This bear ruled the forest. I mean, he was the biggest, baddest bear around. He would terrorize picnickers, rummage through garbage cans; this grizzly is perhaps the most ferocious creature in North America.
And yet, while the grizzly was foraging for food in the trash, one day a tiny skunk wandered into his domain. Now the skunk was much smaller than the grizzly, to be sure. He was much less of a threat to tear the grizzly apart than the grizzly was a threat to tear him apart. But as you know, skunks have a secret weapon and the grizzly knew that. And when the skunk came around the grizzly gladly shared his garbage cans with him. Do you know why? Because the grizzly knew the high cost of getting even.
You know what forgiveness is, friends? It's knowing that you don't have to get even. Archibald Hart says, "Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you for hurting me." That's what forgiveness is and sometimes our bitterness toward other people keeps us from becoming forgiving toward other people. If we would only appreciate the high cost of getting even--both the physical high cost and the spiritual, and the emotional high cost--I think we'd find it a lot easier to grant forgiveness to others.
But hard or not, forgiveness is something we must do; it is something we must grant. And since to forgive means, "to cancel a debt," (that's what we explored yesterday on the program), that means that certain requirements have to be met if we're able to forgive.
See, if you owe money to the bank, they're not simply going to cancel your debt. They're going to want some payment in order to cancel your debt, to forgive your debt. Now, wasn't that true of God? We had sinned against God. If He simply forgot about the sin, we could never enter heaven. If He had said, "Oh, your crime against Me is heinous all right, but I'm just going to forget about it, I'm going to forgive you," we would never truly be forgiven. No, forgiveness has order to it. It has precedence. There are duties on both sides of the fence when forgiveness is necessary.
So what is it that YOU have to do in order to grant forgiveness? "What must the person who has been wronged do," that's the question today. Well, there are at least two scenarios to forgiveness; I want to explore both of them in the next few minutes.
And there are innumerable variations to these two scenarios. I can't address each specific situation; I can't speak directly to your need to grant forgiveness. But I can search the Scriptures with you. I think together, you and I can come to some conclusions about what the Bible says our responsibility is when it's necessary for us to forgive.
Have a Bible there? Turn with me, if you'd like, to Matthew chapter 18. Let me present scenario one to you. Scenario one of the two possible scenarios is this--if someone does something wrong against you, scenario one is the go, repent, forgive scenario--the go, repent, forgive scenario. Listen to this, Matthew chapter 18 beginning to read at verse 15:
"Moreover," says Jesus, "if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear you, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector."
There's an old German expression I remember, it goes something like this--"Forgiveness is a meeting between four eyes." Deuteronomy, chapter 19, verse 15, tells us about that. "One witness shall not rise against a man concerning any iniquity or any sin that he commits; by the mouth of two or three witnesses the matter shall be established." A meeting between four eyes--that means that you and I look one another into the eye and we have a meeting there. And it may take another set of eyes or two sets of eyes, witnesses to the hurt, but scenario one is the go, repent, forgive scenario.
See, if we go and a person repents of his sin against us, we simply forgive and we go on our way. If he doesn't repent, then we treat him as a heathen and a tax collector. Now, I have to admit to you, because I don't treat tax collectors this way, and there aren't that many heathen in my life (at least people I call heathen), I don't know that this means a whole lot to us today. It doesn't mean that we treat a person like dirt. It means we treat them as somebody on the outside, somebody on the outside of the fellowship of the church--one to be garnered, one to be worked on, to be brought back into the church.
I think what Jesus means is not to go your separate ways and never forgive, but to work to bring about forgiveness if forgiveness doesn't happen immediately--and we hope it does. Work to bring about forgiveness. Treat them as someone on the outside, a heathen or a tax collector.
Remember Jesus and the sinners and the tax collectors in Luke, chapter 15? He ate with them and that angered the Pharisees and the scribes. Jesus never treated publicans and tax collectors as the Pharisees did. He was always tenderhearted toward them. He was always kind. Jesus was always forgiving toward tax collectors.
And remember the purpose in going and seeking repentance--it's forgiving and restoration. Galatians, chapter 6, verses one and two, "Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourselves lest you also be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."
Now, what he is saying there is the point of forgiveness is not for you to feel better. Oh you WILL feel better when you forgive someone, but the point of forgiveness is to go, have that person repent, forgive that person and restore them to the life of the church. Restoration is always the point of forgiveness. Scenario one then, is the go, repent, forgive scenario.
Scenario one is the ideal, but you and I have been around long enough to know scenario one doesn't always work. So there's scenario two. It's the forgive without going, no repentance scenario.
See, you're not always going to be dealing with a fellow believer. You're not always going to be hurt by someone who has the mind of Christ. So what do you do then? You see, scenario one--go to your believer friend and if the friend does not repent of sin, bring in one or two witnesses and if that doesn't work tell it to the church--scenario one isn't always the scenario in which you live.
If the one who slanders you, the one who harms you, the one who threatens you is of no mind to repent, how can you possibly forgive them? Remember what true repentance is--true repentance is canceling a debt. Can you cancel a debt if they do not repent?
Suppose your neighbor dumps his trash in your back yard. Now, listen, this is not a far-fetched story--this happened to a friend of mine while I was in seminary. This neighbor would dump his trashcans over the fence into my seminary friend's backyard. So, suppose it happens to you, a neighbor dumps his trash in your yard. What do you do?
Well you go to him. Obviously, you can't just let this go on, you reason with him, you seek some understanding, but he doesn't want to repent. So what do you do then? Well, you fume, you become bitter, you retaliate, you set up the conditions by which you will forgive--remember to cancel a debt means the payment of that debt. In scenario one, the brother who sinned and repented was won; his debt was paid. It was paid by his repentance; the debt was canceled. But in scenario two, the man who sinned would not repent.
You just can't forget it--that's not forgiveness. You can't ignore it--that's not forgiveness. You can't just ask God to forgive it--that's not YOU forgiving him. So what do you do? Well, you may not like the answer, but I think this is what the Bible teaches--you pay the debt yourself. That's what God did, isn't it? I mean, we sinned, God paid the debt with His own Son. It was Christ's death that appeased God's anger, not our repentance. The benefits of Christ's death did not become real to us until we repented. But I have to tell you folks, God's anger was removed when His forgiveness was given at Calvary.
Now, if you heard the broadcast yesterday, remember that I said that a debt could be canceled at any time. You have the power to do that without the one offending you making any apology to you. That's what Jesus did when He was on the cross, isn't it? When He said, "Father, forgive them," nobody apologized to Him. Nobody came and took Him down from the cross and said, "What a horrible mistake we've made." Nobody said to Him, "Oh, Jesus, I'm so sorry for what we've done."
No apology was made, but a debt was paid and it was canceled and Jesus forgave. He could do that because He was paying the debt. He was canceling the debt with His own blood. We can only cancel a debt when it's paid. And if the one who has offended us will not pay it with his repentance then, my friend, you and I have to pay it with our grace.
You see, this occurs when the one who offends us is already gone. Maybe the person who has offended you was your father. Maybe he abused you as a child. Maybe he was never kind to your mother or to anyone in your family and now your father is dead and you're still holding onto your grief and you're still holding onto your bitterness and your resentment and you still are not forgiving. And you know who you're hurting? Not your father, you're hurting yourself. We have to forgive in our grace when the other person cannot be forgiven with his repentance.
And that happens when the one who has offended us is dead. It happens when the one who has offended us has not been filled with the Spirit of God, is not a believer. That happens when the one who has offended us is unrepentant. We can still forgive with our grace; we can pay the debt with our grace--just the way God did. We don't want to become bitter, we don't want to be vengeful, we want God to forgive us of our sins and we'd rather forgive than just forget.
And listen to me, my friend, I want to ask you today to join me in prayer as I close. Maybe you're the one who needs to forgive somebody else and you've found it very, very hard. I'm sure God found it hard to forgive us, too, but He did so--not because of what we did but because of His grace. And you know what? You can do exactly the same thing. Will you pray with me, please as I close?
"Now, Dear Father, we want so much to be like You. You forgave us. You paid the debt for us. And even though You expect us to repent of our sin and turn to You in faith, Your anger toward us was appeased by Christ's death, not by our response to it. So, help us, Dear Father, help us to know the right thing to do when someone has wronged us and help us to do the right thing. Lord, don't let us get caught up in the details of forgiveness. Let us be forgiving in any case because we know that's what pleases You the most.
"Help us, Father, to realize that if we forgive someone who hasn't made adequate repentance, You'll forgive us. Let us be more like You, Father, and even though our forgiveness does not automatically bring restoration for one who has sinned, we will have done for them what You did for us. Thank You, Lord. Thank You for helping us grow in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, in whose name I pray. Amen."
By Woodrow Kroll
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