Bipolar/Manic Depression!!!!.
Even the words sound scary, don't they? Maybe that's why the medical
profession changed the name to Bipolar Disorder. I think they should have left it alone. It needs
to sound scary, because without knowledge, professional help, and a lot of support,
You feel as if you are living a constant nightmare.
BUT THERE IS HOPE AND HELP.
I suffer from Manic Depression. I have little control over my feelings, and at times, no control over
my actions. I was diagnosed back in 1984, But have probably suffered from this illness most of
my life. Add Anxiety, panic disorders, and throw in PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), what you see here is one mixed up girl.
And here, I just always thought I was just a weird kid that didn't act like everyone else.

What you are about to read are bits and pieces of my struggling with mood disorders over the years. The thoughts, feelings ,
fears, the drastic changes in my personality are true to life. Not out of a textbook. I have read everything
I can get my hands on, been in treatment for many years, and I still don't understand this Illness. I never
know from one day to the next how I will feel, or who I will be when I wake up in the morning. I am what
is referred to as a Rapid Cycler. I can change moods so quickly, I feel as if I'm on a roller coaster all
the time.

I have a fantastic support group. My family, friends, and mental heath professionals are always there
for me, "Bless their Hearts". They never give up on me, even though I give up on myself constantly.So many reflections of myself, most of the time I don't even know who the "Real Glenda" is. With
the depression, I isolate, hide away from everyone, even myself. So much of the time, my brain
shuts down, I feel numb, which allows me not to feel anything, bad or good. There are different
phases of Mania. Until recently, I felt 'Euphoric', Wow, it was great. I was Super Everything, I thought.
Go for days without sleep, talked constantly, just knew everyone thought I was as great as I KNEW
I was. They knew I was in Mania, I KNEW I was cured, at times, going off meds, because, I felt like
I was completely well. Wrong, the 'CRASH' into the black hole of depression is inevitible.
Now my mania is filled with Rage, anger, irritibility like you would not believe. But the fact that I am
terrified of anger, losing control, I keep it all inside. I cry one minute, and the next, I feel as if I'll
explode. The only way I remember the feelings are by those close to me telling me of my actions,
or reading my Journal afterwords, because I don't remember.

I constantly fight a weight problem. When depressed, Food seems to comfort and soothe me, so I would
go on food binges.
Afterwords, go to the medicine cabinet, take the laxatives, and diuretics to try to rid my body of all the
food I consumed. Please don't try that, folks, it's not worth it and doesn't work. I No longer do that..

Suicidal thoughts come and go in all stages. I'm sure you are saying right now, how can one think of
ending their life, how selfish to put all the pain and grief on your loved ones. In my thinking, at those
times is just the opposite. I feel as if I would be doing them a favor, because I feel like such a burden
to them having to deal with me and my problems. If you feel suicidal, seek help immediately.
SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION, NOR IS IT THE ANSWER.............

To summarize, for those of you that suffer from this Disorder, Please get treatment, whether it be
medication or Psychological therapy, and stay with it. It's the only safe way to live through this agony
For family and friends of those that suffer, please remember our actions are not of our own. What
we do, how we act, is not on purpose. Learn as much as you can about "Bipolar Disorder", we need
your support to keep us going.

With Love and Hope,
Glenda

I have recently developed a sensitivity to ALL Medications. As you well know, it is extremely difficult to manage the mood swings of Bipolar and the pain of FMS with no medication. I rely completely on alternative methods. Increased psychotherapy, Full Body Massage weekly is working WONDERS, gentle conditioning exercises, and relaxation methods when possible.

Gentle Hugs to all.
Glenda (CCsLilSis)
Updated 09/07/2008

http://www.geocities.com/ccslilsis/Bip_N_Me.html

Faces Of My Soul
A Poem by Glenda

09/2004
I have recently been diagnosed with 2 new illnesses.
Personality Disorder. and Disacoiative Amnesia.
Not quite ever fitting into the classic Bipolar Disorder, I do feel better knowing and learning more about this illness. It explains so much about myself.

12/05/2004
There has been much research lately showing that many people that are Bipolar also have Fibromyalgia as I do. If there are others out there like me, I would love to hear from you.