I had been really looking forward to our 4 days in Tahiti which we planned to spend soaking up the sun on a tropical island paradise doing absolutely nothing.

Our 5 hour flight touched down in Tahiti a mere 10 minutes after it had taken off in Easter Island owing to some strange time zones - Tahiti is approximately in the correct zone and at 10 hours behind GMT it has to be pretty much the latest place in the world to see each day, while Easter island is blatantly in the wrong timezone with the sun reaching highest intensity at about 2:30pm.

It was about 10pm and we were tired so we went to look for the accommodations place only to find that there wasn't one. We did eventually find a few hotels in some leaflets. We had been warned about Tahitian prices so went immediately to the budget section, but were not prepared for the reality. The cheapest place, which looked pretty grim, still came out at about 40 pounds for the night but we had no choice so had to take it. The next problem was that not one of the cash machines in the airport was in order and we had no Tahitian Francs. There were no buses runnning into town and all the taxi drivers quoted us the same price to get into town, with one accepting dollars. Despite it being 10pm it was about 30 degrees and very humid so my mood was not improved to find out that the $25 taxi ride took us approximately 2km.

The followiong day we set out to get to Moorea - a smaller island next to the main Tahiti island that had been recommended to us as having nice beaches. Research at the info centre revealed a simple place offering beach cabins on the island for a vaguely affordable price. We phoned them up to book and they were the usual French levels of politeness telling us to do this and that to get there at the correct time

There being no supermarkets on Moorea we had to get 3 days worth of food from the supermarket in Papeete as eating in a restaurant was absolutely out of the question. Despite a real effort to be economical (beans, franfurters, tuna etc.) the bill was still astronomical and I can confirm that London is not the second most expensive city in the world behind Tokyo, but actually approximately the 10th, behind Tokyo and also every settlement on Tahiti.

Anyway, suitable loaded up we set off for the ferry where it began to rain. Proper tropical rain as well, although it was curiously warm. The ferry journey was quite exciting as the seas were up quite a bit and the ferry was a little late. At the other side there was no sign of the bus we were supposed to take but we sat down underneath the bus stop sign and waited. After an hour of waiting we started asking random punters if we were at the right stop only to be told that the sign with a picture of a bus on it and words to the effect of "Arret Autobus" was not in fact the bus stop and that the bus actually stopped half a mile up the road at an unmarked stop. Good old French customer service again.

We then discovered that there was only one bus left that day and it wouldn't be there until 5 so we were stuck in the ceaseless rain for the whole afternoon. We were also subjected to a stream of abuse from the accommodation people when we phoned them up to let them know that we would be arriving somewhat later than we had planned. Now in my world I would assume that as I was the one about to pay her money then that would make me the customer and so the person one would want to make feel happy. However, just as in quebec, the french system appears to be somewhat different and the customer is seen as an irritant. This system, alas, works when one has the knowledge that everywhere else will be the same so can't go elsewhere.

However, we finally got there and the hut was basic but fairly clean and 20m from the beach so we were reasonably happy. The rain and wind remained strog but we took an early night looking forward to a good lounge around on the following day. The room even came equipped with an excellent mosquito control system taking the form of a large gecko. The score at the end of the night was: mosquitoes 1 (a bite on my wrist), Me 2 (after a lot of unsuccessful swipes and claps), Gecko approximately 100.

We woke up in the morning to find glimpses of the sun and things were looking up - extortionate prices, unhelpful locals and mythical bus stops apart, Tahiti is still a tropical island paradise and the reef around the island creates a beautiful blue-green lagoon surrounded by the deep blue of the ocean with the surf crashing away out to sea.

The view from our little beach area out to the lagoon.

Alas, the rain soon set in again. Our weather-curse was back, with full vengeance as the rain came and went all day in short cycles leaving us kicking our heels in the hut. The place had some sea kayaks to hire and rain was not going bother us in these but when Jon asked they made up some cock and bull story about high wind being forecast despite the fact that it was completely still this day. I went in pretending to be independent and our suspicion that they were just being unhelpful was confirmed when I was told a completely different story about the tide somehow being too high or too low or something.

Having completely run out of ideas, there was only one remaining course of action. The only things that were cheap on the island were pineapples (c. 1 pound each) and coconuts (c. 1 minutes searching on the ground). A bottle of cheap rum was thus obtained and we set about making some tropical cocktails.

Our first task was to create some drinking vessels and what better than to sip our creation from a coconut shell. This also had the benefit of using up a considerable amount of time since getting into a coconut is even harder than getting a smile out of one of the locals.

Jon finally getting into the cocunut in a rare moment of sun.

The big problem with our plan was the lack of ice or refrigeration and our first attempt at something maybe resembling a pina colada was, to be honest, absolutely disgusting. A simpler plan was formed whereby we eat the coconut and pineapple as they were and buy a bottle of coke to have with the rum.

Warm rum and coke was somewhat more palatable than the warm "pina colada a la Chris and Jon" and the time soon began to pass quicker as evening fell ;-) It must have made a surreal scene, the two of us sitting half in the rain drinking warm rum and coke out of cococut shells and eating home made hot dogs.

On the final day after much bargaining we were allowed to take the 2 man kayak out, although under strict instructions not to go out to the surf. It was actually far more windy than the previous day and despite years of rowing together we were totally unable to manage anything remotely resembling a straight line but it was good fun and it didn't matter that the weather was managing to be everything today. Obviously, we had did actually have to go out and check out the huge surf crashing into the reef at the edge of the lagoon. Equally obviously, we did nearly get thrown into the sea onto the razor sharp coral but we made it back eventually in time to catch this rather nice rainbow.

Nice rainbow but that looks a lot like another bloody storm on the way...

It was now time to catch the ferry back to Papeete, but the horrible island still had one last trick up its sleeve. We had to take out some cash, but the one ATM on the island was on some strange French system and remains the only ATM I have encountered on this trip so far that wouldn't take my card (or Jon's). The man in the bank was also unable (unwilling?) to help but the machine did claim to take Visa. However, when I put my card in it first of all asked (in very poor English) for a 6 digit PIN and when I put in my correct 4 digit PIN it got angry and told me (ironically, now in perfect English) that it had been instructed to retain my card. Luckily, a swift and irate kick to the machine seemed to confuse it and my card was duly returned. The small sense of victory was definitely worth the sore foot.

Thankfully, Jon's Visa card worked so on our final throw of the dice we were able to get some cash and not be stuck on the paradise/hell that is Tahiti.

Our flight left early the following morning and we were able to use up our last Tahitian Francs on an airport breakfast that consisted of a few pain au chocolat with an orange juice and managed to cost about 16 pounds.

Needless to say, there were no exit seats available for us on our Air Tahiti flight to Auckland and "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but the best we can do is to give you an aisle seat". The legroom was in real Dan Air territory and Jon had absolutely no alternative but to put his feet into the aisle and thus incur the wrath of the stewardesses with the trolleys. The observation of several smaller than average people in the exit seats did nothing to improve our spirits. I could just about fit but their designers clearly have the view that there simply aren't any people over 6 foot tall. The contrast with LanChile couldn't have been morfe stark.

So that was Tahiti over and done. Unfortunately, the only place on this trip so far that has disappointed but one can't have it all. I guess Tahiti is best left to the French...