Title: Obsession
Author: Jess-chan
Email address: [email protected]
Rating: M (Swearing, Angst)
Date Completed: April 28 2001
Pairings: Sano X Kenshin
Notes: Sanosuke obsesses over Kenshin. I’ve wanted to write this for a while, but I finally put fingers to keys this time. My inspirations include Kenshin’s image songs, a box of Derwent pencils and reading too much Rurouni Kenshin manga.

Disclaimer: Watsuki Nobuhiro, you’re a legend! I’m sure you won’t mind if I borrow your characters for a while? I promise to give them back in (somewhat) perfect condition! (^_^;;) Oh, and anyone else- don’t sue me!

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I watch him. His vermilion hair swept back in a ponytail gently sways from side to side as he walks. There is a gap between his kimono and his neck that leaves his flesh exposed, and as we walk, my eyes don’t leave it. How I long to reach down and kiss his bare skin, to hold him in a tight embrace and kiss him. To taste his skin, to smell him, to pull his body closer. I want to gently leave a trail of kisses up his neck, then kiss his lips. To be so close to him, to taste his lips, his tongue, everything. It is torture not being able to touch him, to be so close and yet so far. In my mind I am touching his body a thousand times, but it doesn’t bring it any closer to actuality.

“Sano?”

Kenshin’s voice snaps me back into reality. “Yes?”

“Betsu ni.”

“Eeeh?!”

He smiles and laughs a little. “I just wanted to break the silence. By the way, how is your hand feeling?”

My hand. I stare down at the bandages that (according to the Fox Lady) are barely holding it together. It aches a little, and I still can’t do much with it. The pain is less knowing that I used to protecting the one person I want to protect. Sure, I shattered almost all the bones in my fingers, but knowing that it may just have saved Kenshin’s life makes it more than worthwhile.

“My hand’s okay. Megumi’s really strict about me not using it, but I don’t see how I can at the moment.”

He looks at me sympathetically. It’s not like I want or need his sympathy, but it’s nice. It would be nicer if he knew that I would gladly hurt myself again and again for him. No matter how much I get hurt for him, my feelings for him just get stronger.

“Megumi-dono is a good doctor. I’m sure your hand will feel better soon de gozaru.”

Kenshin is sweet. He doesn’t know how much it irritates me when he acts like this. The mask he puts up and tries to fool everyone with. His controlled words, his vacant smile, his archaic speech. Every time he says “sessha” I want to bloody strangle him. His “de gozaru’s” irritate me. Every time he refers to someone as “-dono”… I’m glad he never refers to me as “-dono”, I’m just Sano. I guess it’s nice that he feels he doesn’t have to be polite to me. I wish he would just be himself for once- the real Kenshin. I wonder if I’ve ever seen the real him, completely defenceless. I want to break down his defences. I want to smash through all the barriers between me and the real him. If my hand felt better I’d like to hit him right now.

“I hope so, I might miss a good brawl if it doesn’t mend soon.” I grin at him as his shakes his head in disapproval.

“Now, now Sano, there is more to life than fighting,” he sighs wearily, “I hope it stays as peaceful as this forever de gozaru.”

This is the reaction I wanted from him. For a moment I saw weariness flash in his eyes, his mask broken. Perhaps I might be able to break him after all. He pushes his hair out of his eyes and returns his concentration to the road before us. He has such beautiful hair. Twisting strands pouring down his back, chromium strands of sparkling silk. I wish I could remember the scent of his hair. A half forgotten memory, pushed to the corners of my mind surfaces. It was dark, night. He was lying there; his hair sprawled beside his pillow. I crawled over on my hands and knees and took the scarlet strands in my hand and brought it to my face. I inhaled his scent deeply than let the strands fall lifeless back to the ground and left. I can’t remember what he smelt like.

“Don’t be so gloomy,” I tell him, “nothing is going to happen. I think you’ve fought all the people who bear grudges against you by now. You should try to relax, everything is going to be fine.”

By the time I finish talking, we’ve both stopped walking. He’s looking up at me with those big eyes of his.

“I really hope you’re right, Sano,” he smiles weakly.

I look into his beautiful violet eyes, and for a moment I saw something else there. It was probably just my imagination, but for a split second I thought I saw a sort of sadness that meant he wanted to say something more. We hold each other’s gaze for a few moments more, as I am entranced by his sad expression. I know I want to rush forward to embrace him, to tell him he doesn’t need to be sad ever again because… because I love him. I know I love him beyond any shadow of a doubt with all my heart and soul. The ache inside my heart grows with every longing glance I send in his direction. He is the first to break our silence, looking away from me.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so serious all of a sudden de gozaru,” he flusters.

I laugh a little to break the tension. “ It’s okay, I don’t mind.”

He smiles and turns to start walking again. I feel embarrassed at almost letting my emotions go like that. But… I almost feel that for a second there was actually some tension between us. No, no, it couldn’t be. It must be my imagination. He was just embarrassed by my behaviour, nothing more. I walk a step behind him, worried he might become suspicious if I am too close to him. I wonder if he has any idea about my feelings for him? Kenshin doesn’t miss much. But then again, he seems ignorant to the Raccoon Girl despite the fact she’s all over him. I put my arms behind my head and followed him.

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The rest of our trip to town went without much incident. Kenshin had to buy some things for the dojo and I needed a fan for the rapidly heating Summer at hand. We met again before he walked home, and he offered for me to have dinner at the dojo. Of course I would never turn down an opportunity to be near him. I offered to carry some of the things he was holding; despite knowing full well he wasn’t having any trouble. He seemed to appreciate the gesture and handed me a package.

We talked casually as we walked back to the Kamiya dojo. The whole time I can’t help thinking about how much I want to love him. I stare at his tiny waist, the way his hips rock from side to side ever so slightly as he walks. I want to reach down and encircle his waist with my arm, pulling him close to me. I don’t think I have the courage to tell him how I feel. I don’t have the courage to risk our friendship on the vague hope he might like me. At the best he would probably say he was flattered, but we would never work out. At the worst he might tell me to leave, and that he never wants to see me again. I’m not sure which would hurt more. I would leave anyway because I would never be able to stand knowing that he was in reach of me and that he didn’t want me. I think it’s better for things to stay the way they are. We reached the dojo before just before dusk.

“Kenshin, Sano!” Yahiko greets us as we walk in the gate. He then calls over his shoulder: “Kaoru, Kenshin’s back!”

The Raccoon Girl runs out of the dojo to greet Kenshin. She takes his packages and beckons him inside. Yahiko tells me that dinner will be ready soon and runs into the dojo after them. I sit on the veranda and think for a moment. What will I do if Kenshin and Kaoru get married? I mean, it’s probably inevitable; he has been living with her for a while. I can’t tell if he loves her or not, but he does care. She needs someone to protect her, and plus, it’s gonna look pretty suspect if she continues to live with an older man that she’s not married or related to. I don’t know if I could stay if they married. It would tear me apart, and I know I wouldn’t be able to put up a brave front. I would detest her for taking him from me, hate him for going with her. Most of all I would loath myself for not doing something when I still had a chance.

“Sano! Dinner’s ready!”

My concentration is broken. “Coming!”

I walk into the dining room and sit down next to Kenshin. Jou-chan’s cooking has improved slightly in recent weeks, but I still feel a little uneasy while taking my first mouthful. Kaoru pours Kenshin cha, and I begin to feel jealous again. He recites what he did while he was out, and she listens intently. He says that the Summer Festival this year promises to be a very good one and that he wants to see the fireworks with everyone. Yahiko seems enthusiastic, and I realise that until this year he may not have been free to enjoy things like festivals. I talk to him for a little while about his kendo training. Yahiko is like a son to me, and I know I’m his role model- after Kenshin of course. It will hurt twice as much if I have to leave him as well as Kenshin. As the night wears on, I get sick of Kaoru’s advances on Kenshin and the vacant way he’s acting around her. I get up and begin to leave the room.

Kenshin looks up to me. “Sano, where are you going?”

As if he cares where I’m going. He’s got that little bimbo to keep him company. “To sit outside for a bit, okay?”

I sit on the veranda and look up at the stars. Of all the ironies in the world, why did I have to fall in love with my best friend? I love him so much but I can never tell him or I won’t be able to see him again. What should I do? I’m going to have to admit to myself that he can never be mine sooner or later. Why to I hold onto this stupid hope that one day everything will turn out fine? I am so fucking pathetic. I hate everything about myself. I hate loving him, I hate him, I hate her, I hate myself- I hate everyone and everything! I am so fucking angry, I just wanna run back in there and smash his fucking head in. I want to scream, I’m so frustrated. I love him, I hate him, I need him, I need to get rid of him. I can’t go on this way. I get up to leave. I can’t stay here, I’m so conflicted that I don’t know what I might do if I see him again.

As I walk out the gate I take one last look back at the dojo, and through a crack in a shoji, he is watching me. I bow my head and run the rest of the way home.

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I lie awake in bed, unable to reach any state of peace that may allow me to sleep. I am struggling in my mind to find a way that this situation can be resolved. It’s so unfair! It’s all so fucking unfair! I love him more than anyone on this earth, but he will never be mine. I bury my head into my futon and try to block out all my thoughts, but his face is there as soon as I close my eyes. His beautiful, sweet, gentle face fills my mind and I moan in anguish. I imagine him coming to me, holding me in his arms, whispering that he loves me and that I never have to be sad again. I curl up in the fetal position and begin to cry. In my mind he is consoling me, stroking my hair and telling me not to cry. I cry even more because I know it’s not real. Suddenly, my self-pity is interrupted by a knock on my door.

“Sano,” comes a soft, inquiring voice. It is Kenshin.

My heart freezes as he knocks and whispers my voice again. I wipe my eyes as I struggle clumsily to my feet. I hesitate to open my door, but I figure that I don’t have anything left to loose. Once he sees me like this he will never want to see me again. It was inevitable.

“Sano, are you there?”

My hand shakes as I open my door. My heart freezes again when I see him standing there in the moonlight. He is looking at me with a concerned, caring expression. I unsuccessfully try to wipe at the new tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

“Ke..Kenshin,” I manage to stutter.

His eyes widen as he realizes I am crying. His mouth parts slightly as if to say something, but instead he walks towards me. I am frozen to the spot.

“Sano…”

He passionately embraces my shaking frame, his hands gripping the back of my shirt. He buries his face into my chest and whispers my name over and over. He looks up at my tear-streaked face. The look on his face finally gives me the courage to say what I’ve wanted to say for so long.

“Kenshin,” I say, my heart thumping, “I love you.”

He smiles, tears forming in his own eyes. “I know.”

My heart skips a beat.

“I love you too.”

It only takes a split second for my lips to find his, and we share a fiercely passionate kiss as tears of relief stream down both our faces. When we finally break apart for air, I touch his face, almost not believing that he is real. He raises his hand and holds my hand to his face.

“Don’t worry, Sano, I’m real. I’m not going to disappear.”

He smiles and for the first time I realize I am seeing the real him. Free from all masks and pretences, heart bared for the all the world that is me to see. I won’t ever have to worry about him again, because I know that he loves me and nothing will ever be withheld ever again.

We stumble back into my room and lie down together on my futon. He wraps his arms around my body and nuzzles his face into my neck. I hold him, burying my face into his hair. His hair smells beautiful. He is mine. Everything is fine.

O-WA-RI

^_^Jessica Hodgins 2001

Notes:
Betsu ni = “Nothing!”
Sessha = The way Kenshin says “I”. Means “My humble self”.
De Gozaru = old form of “desu” Kenshin uses. Means “is so”.
-dono = A respectable term of address. Like “-san”.
Shoji = Japanese door that has a wooden frame with paper in-between.
Cha = Japanese green tea.