Are you someone:
Great!!! You're ready to be a ghoul and this guide shows you how.
You'll learn how to hard sell piss poor astrological services whenever something awful (and lucrative!) happens in the world.
Just follow this simple guide:
It's no good being universally despised if you don't benefit in some way! Here are some great ideas to get you going:
Those blasted detractors! How are you supposed to milk the dead for cash when people keep calling you a scumbag for doing it?
Well we've already seen a few ways to deal with this. But lets expand on some of them
Suppose that some critic posts this review against your lousy book. You know it's a truthful and accurate review, but you're not emotionally mature enough to deal with criticism or respond to it in a constructive way.
On top of that, a negative review makes your phony glowing reviews look a tad suspicious.
So what to do? Censorship is your friend! Click on the "Report This" link of Amazon in the hope that they'll take down the review. But you'd better check every day though because the pesky blighter might keep reposting that review especially since it annoys you so much!
Why bother attributing work to others when you can simply steal it?
For example, suppose you have to say something profound about eclipses which involves knowing all kinds of complicated astronomical calculations. All that involves intelligence and learning. Here is a site that took the time to make the calculations and publish them for the benefit of others. http://www.earthview.com/timetable/future.htm. For example, it says:
2003 May 31 and 2003 November 23 -- Two opposite polar eclipses in the same year -- a double "polar solar" -- and each in the corresponding warmer half of the year. The May 31st event is an annular solar eclipse that starts at the northern tip of Scotland and actually moves westward across Iceland and southern Greenland. The November 23rd eclipse is total, lasting up to 1 minute 57 seconds as it sweeps across Antarctica near the Amery Ice Shelf. Partial phases of each eclipse are visible from the respective Poles themselves.
But with a nip and tuck (in bold), you can simply lift this text wholesale and claim it as your own! To be extra sure that no one is in doubt, put your copyright on it.
2003 May and 2003 November Eclipses -- Two opposite polar eclipses in the same year -- a double "polar solar" or in mutual reception of the Dragon's Head and Tail. The May 31st event is an annular solar eclipse that starts at the northern tip of Scotland and actually moves westward across Iceland and southern Greenland. The November 23rd eclipse is total, lasting up to 1 minute 57 seconds as it sweeps across Antarctica near the Amery Ice Shelf. Partial phases of each eclipse are visible from the respective Poles themselves.
...
Copyright Dr. Turdi - www.drturdi.com
Just make sure you don't get caught doing it!
Next up. You now want to mention Mars because you read somewhere it will be visible to the naked eye soon. But you're simply too stupid and ignorant to understand why this might be so let alone speak with authority about it!
But why bother when someone has already done the hard work for you:
The Red Planet is about to be spectacular! This month and next, Earth is catching up with Mars in an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the Last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it happens again.
The encounter will culminate on August 27th when Mars comes to within 34,649,589 miles of Earth and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object in the night sky. It will attain a magnitude of -2.9 and will appear 25.11 arc seconds wide. At a modest 75-power magnification Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. Mars will be easy to spot. At the beginning of August it will rise in the east at 10p.m. and reach its azimuth at about 3 a.m.
By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30 a.m. That's pretty convenient to see something that no human being has seen in recorded history. So, mark your calendar at the beginning of August to see Mars grow progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month. Share this with your children and grandchildren. NO ONE ALIVE TODAY WILL EVER SEE THIS AGAIN
Simply cut and paste, reword it a little bit, insert a few clumsy phrases and then pass it off as your own:
Be ready and make a note of August 27th, as Mars (The Lord of War in Greek Mythology) will be visable to the naked eye. Never again in your lifetime will the Red Planet be so spectacular! In August and July, Mars and the earth will have an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in our recorded human history. The next time the planet Mars will come close to us again is in 2287 and we will be in heaven by then. Jupiter's gravity is so powerful that its effect on Mars affects its orbit and astronomers believe that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the last 5,000 years but it may have been as long as 60,000 years. IF you like math, on August 27, the red planet will come within 34,649,589 miles, and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object in the night sky, and will be easy to spot. At the beginning of August, Mars will rise in the east at 10 p.m. and reach its azimuth at about 3 a.m. However, by the e! nd of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30 a.m. So mark your calendar at the beginning of August to see Mars grow steadily brighter and bigger throughout the month. Make sure to share this celestial phenomenon with your friends and children, as no one alive today will see this show again!
...
Blessings to all
Dr. Turdi
� Dr. Turdi
For extra points ensure your insertions contain a few gross errors, such as attributing Mars to Greek instead of Roman mythology.
Let's see how a hypothetical ghoul who we'll call Dr Turdi might with some hypothetical events.
How it works:
What could be easier?
January 21-24 - Al Munastir, Tunisia. A plane full of German holidaymakers landing in Tunisia is hijacked by Islamic extremists who manage to bypass airport security and take over the plane as it taxis on the runway. After several days of standoff and failed negotiations the hijackers execute a hostage as a deadline passes. One hour later with another deadline looming, the plane is stormed by French anti-terrorist services. During the ensuing firefight all four hijackers are killed and two hostages are seriously injured and later die of their wounds.
Dr Turdi says
"Beware of travel" - A direct hit!
February 14 - Arizona, USA. Jessica Palmer, aged 11 and her younger sister Annette, 9 are abducted by two white males in a pickup truck and driven to a remote spot. Both are bound with tape, are repeatedly raped at knife point and then stabbed and strangled. In spite of her serious injuries and dehydration Annette survives the ordeal by feigning death. After her attackers leave she frees her bonds and alerts a passing motorist who calls the police. The police issue an 'Amber alert', setting up checkpoints on all state roads and issuing a general APB but the offenders are still at large.
Dr Turdi says
"This week will hold many surprises"- A direct hit!
March 7 - Tirana, Albania. Whilst in convoy en route to a regional soccer final, Minister of Sport Pellumb Nano is killed in a hail of bullets. His assailant stepped out of an alleyway as the convoy was stopped at a crossroads heading towards Yzberish and fired a burst from an automatic weapon from point blank range. Nano is rushed to hospital but is declared dead on arrival. His attacker escapes and is still at large. Newspapers quickly link his murder with alleged loans made to his campaign fund by local organized crime gangs.
Dr Turdi says
"Strangers may not always bring you good news" - A direct hit!
April 21 - Quetta, Pakistan. A moderate 5.8 earthquake shakes this provincial town. Due to local building techniques and low standards a number of structures collapse and over 100 people are killed. A 5.6 aftershock brings down an orphanage where 5 children are killed as the previously weakened building caves in.
Dr Turdi says
"Beware of fires, volcanoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, explosions, storms, law enforcement, road accidents, the stock market, plane crashes, wars, domestic disputes, surprise developments at home or work or elsewhere, foreign governments and freak lawn mowing accidents" - A direct hit!
May 1 - Shrewsbury, UK. A faulty boiler in a tire factory causes a gas leak and explosion which kills 1 worker. The worker was the son in law of a local TV weatherman.
Dr Turdi says
"Someone famous will die" - A direct hit!
June 28 - Los Angeles, USA. Joined at the chest Siamese twins Peter and Karl Goldberg undergo pioneering surgery to be separated. After 12 hours surgery the six week old twins are freed for the first time in their short lives, however due to complications Peter suffered renal failure shortly after separation and later died. Karl is still listed critical but the prognosis for recovery is good.
Dr Turdi says
"Now is not the best time to split up with a partner" - A direct hit!
July 16 - Melbourne, Australia. Baz Sharman, a naturalized Australian of Turkish origin went on a gun rampage in the suburb of Keilor. Using an unlicensed shotgun he killed his estranged wife, his two children, his mother in law and injured five passers by. Police surrounded the house he was believed to have entered. After a tense standoff, a single shot was heard within the premises and police entered to find his body in the front room. One of his victims died of her wounds after being rushed to hospital.
Dr Turdi says
"This month will see consequences for someone you know" - A direct hit!
August 29 - Syria. Journalists with Reuters filming a piece about Palestinian refugees are shelled by emplacements on the Golan Heights. The cameraman and reporter was seriously wounded. An Israeli military spokesman later justified the action claiming that their position came under fire from the direction that the journalists were filming.
Dr Turdi says
"Be careful of people in positions of authority since they might be bring drastic change to your life" - A direct hit!
October 1 - Ethiopia. Crowds gathering around a food convoy came under small arms fire from a band of militia. In the ensuring panic and stampede five are killed and fifteen more are injured. An Oxfam spokesman voiced his concern that supplies would have to be suspended if the safety of aid workers and orderly distribution could not be assured.
Dr Turdi says
"You may feel a little crowded out this week." - A direct hit!
September 28 - Riyam, Gulf of Oman. An explosion rocked a petroleum refinery killing two workers. Initial reports cited terrorism as a potential cause however it was ruled an accident when a ruptured fuel pipe was discovered on one of the loading tanks. The port was closed for several days as firefighters and fireboats tackled the blaze.
Dr Turdi says
"Expect a heat wave this month" - A direct hit!
November 24 - Boyaca, Colombia. Heavy seasonal rains caused a mudslide that engulfed several villages in the Boyaca valley. The slide struck early Wednesday morning while people were sleeping in their homes. Witnesses spoke of a fast flowing 'river of mud' that swept away houses, cars and trees in its path. Government rescue teams desperately tried to reach survivors and recover bodies. The exact casualty figure is unknown but the death toll is thought to be several hundred.
Dr Turdi says
"Events will be a wake up call for many!" - A direct hit!
December 3 - Thessalia Greece. Thirty five people were killed when their bus ploughed through a safety railing and plunged fifty feet into a steep ravine. The bus was carrying mostly locals traveling between villages in the mountainous Thessalia region. Rescue efforts were hampered by heavy vegetation and difficulty reaching the accident site on foot. One survivor recalled that the driver screamed that the brakes had failed seconds before hitting the safety barrier.
Dr Turdi says
"Exercise extreme caution this week" - a direct hit!
As you can see, it's easy to get hit after hit!
The world is your death, disease and misery filled oyster! Use this guide and take your rightful place in the pantheon of ghouls and parasites!