Domo Arigato, Mr. Lariat-O:
I CAN'T BE YOUR HERO, BABY
by Website Manager/Cartoonist Ian Kay

In light of the infamous attack on America, several words have been joyfully springing up like worms in fresh pig manure, one of which is �heroes�. I�ve been thinking about the meaning behind this word a lot recently, and have come to one conclusion. There is no such thing as a real hero.

Symbolism has become a very important aspect of human society nowadays; wearing a red elephant emblem now means you prefer conservative methods of government, having an �FB� on your shirt says that you listen to rap-inspired music, and wearing blue tights, red underwear, and a large red and yellow �S� on your chest either dictates that you�re Superman, or some fruit in an odd assortment of pajamas. As people, we search for role models by which we scale ourselves to. These role models are living symbols of ourselves, which we refer to as heroes.

We see in a hero a person who has traits and qualities that we find admirable. Many see former President Bill Clinton as a hero for being able to talk his way out of certain death by a deaf firing squad of CIA-trained sharpshooters. Others look towards Cal Ripken, Jr. for never quitting, fighting a battle against time, itself. Several idolize groups like the Backstreet Boys for being so successful. What they tend to selectively forget is that Clinton not only had an extramarital affair, he chose the most bovine-esque woman on the face of the planet to have relations with; Cal Ripken eventually sold out and gave in; and some of the Backstreet Boys are heavy abusers of alcohol.

When people speak of the people on the hijacked flight that crashed in Pennsylvania, they don�t take into consideration any facts other than �they fought back and were able to steer the plane off course and out of the way of any civilian damage�. They already knew about what had happened at the World Trade Center a la cell phones, they were aware that terrorists had, in fact, taken over their plane, and the realization that the chances of their impending doom were inevitable� put simply, �We�re dead if we do something, we�re dead if we don�t do anything, we might as well go down with a fight.� This wasn�t a hard decision, and I have a strong belief that the majority of the American population, put in the same position, would have done the same.

The New York City Police and Firemen are being hailed as living Gods on Earth. Has everyone forgotten that THEY ARE PAID TO PUT OUT FIRES AND KEEP ORDER ON THE STREETS? These guys are given money on a monthly basis to risk their lives every single day � and they do it voluntarily. They�re not heroes � they�re men and women who consciously took dangerous jobs. And there is a difference between being courageous and being a hero.

In short, there is no such thing as an actual hero. It�s impossible to assign that kind of title to a person, for one simple reason: they�re human. They�re flawed. They�re weak. They�re disgusting, sickly, perverted, selfish, and greedy. And let�s face it, even if there were a perfect person somewhere out there, someone somewhere would be sure to angrily intone that he or she is �too perfect�. The human race is naturally one of character limitations, and it�s nothing to be ashamed of. Simply realize that the only heroes that exist are the ones that inhabit our MINDS. A hero is what you make it, and only you are your own hero.