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The biggest coward: The biggest coward I have ever known, hands down and without a single doubt, was no other than Ted the stalker. Lee and the first rapist own the second place positions for this lowly title. Jim comes in at a close third place and he struggled endlessly to surpass both Lee and the first rapist. In his efforts to gain the first place position, Jim did succeed in earning the place of the worse abuser because Jim continued the cycle with the greatest level of pure overt deception, cunning, novel forms of abuse and purposeful style of cruelty. However, Ted did not live with me. The target of Ted's displaced hatred was not close to him and he spent years of his life and went through great trouble to force his way into my life to stalk me. Men who batter children are sick individuals and in the case of my father he did not intend to cause harm. Men who commit domestic violence are also sick individuals and the close proximity to the target makes their enactment of abuse through low-impulse control unavoidable and irresistible for them. They can't stop themselves and they are too emotionally disturbed to see the reality of what they are doing. They are too disturbed to accept responsibility for their actions as well. I do not begin to understand men who rape some one that they do not know. However, chances are that the first rapists did not know he was not only raping some one but he was raping some one who was disabled with a disease. No doubt that rape is about control more than it is about anything remotely sexual. Sometimes I wish I had been contagious. Ted knew full well what he was doing and he chose to justify it to himself and abuse through stalking anyway. Ted also chose to glorify his inner image through his perceived boldness of stalking some one he convinced himself was different than the reality of what I was. One of my evil wishes, when I'm not being a very nice person, is that all of my abusers would have to suffer through my entire life themselves in endless cycles where the stable good part that might but hasn't arrived yet will never arrive at all. Perhaps this is exactly what their Hell will be if a Hell truly exists after death. Stalking like rape is motivated by a desperate and sick desire to own and control the victim. Therefore, stalkers are sick people, but they also go out of their way far beyond what other predators do to abuse the victim. In addition to this, the acts committed by stalkers are far more cowardly and covert acts that the victim cannot fight off no matter what. Many stereotypical stalkers only face the victim when they believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that the victim is so completely cornered and defenseless that the stalker is risking nothing to close in at that moment. Men who batter their wives and unarmed stranger-rapists share some of this thinking, yet I believe for many other abusers the idea that the victim may be able to retaliate likely crosses their minds from time to time as other perpetrators attack in an instant and oftentimes without great planning. If they don't consider the risks at the moment, they may consider them later. A stalker, on the other hand, meticulously plans his attack-abuse strategy over years to avoid any risk at all. Most stalkers also view themselves as super-human super-men. The glance from a stalker's self-perception and then back to the reality of the situation becomes something darkly comical to the victim in the aftermath of the stalking. However, this dark comedy is never really funny to anyone. I do not know which position in the race for the most cowardly the many abusive doctors, teachers, school principles, and school nurses have earned. Their crimes are something beyond my ability to define. |
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