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Once home: I awaited my appointment with Dr. "P" and during this time my sisters, both 20 years my senior, made it a point to visit my parents and me often. Looking back it was odd how they suddenly had time to visit that much. In any case, as I was looking forward to my appointment with Dr. "P" (who should be a decent guy and a competent doctor too because Dr. "N" had said he was) my sisters both took every opportunity they could to frighten me about the chemical peel. `They'd explain how that chemical peel was going to, "Ruin my face forever," and "Make the entire face fall off," and "Cause such and facial infection that the doctors would have to cut the whole face out to stop it from spreading and then I'd have nothing but a big gaping crator where my face used to be." And I knew how a girl's face could suddenly become disfigured and basically fall off already because of what happened for those three years when I was sick. So my older sisters were successfully ripping open a still raw wound of terror in my mind. I started to get really scared about the chemical peel. Especially since one of my sisters was a registered nurse and she swore that she'd seen girl's faces fall off or have to be cut away because of chemical peels. She made it sound like it happened 99.9% of the time. In fact, I asked her point blank how many times she'd actually seen this as a nurse and she assured me it was almost a daily occurrence. However, I still wanted the damage repaired and I wanted to trust Dr. "P" and I really did trust Dr. "N." Nonetheless, what if Dr. "P" was crazy or cruel like that first allergy doctor or Dr. "S" or Dr. "H" or stupid and oblivious like Dr. "M?" What kinds of strange fascinations might Dr. "P" have that the kindly Dr. "N" was unaware of? What if Dr. "P" just didn't care as long as he got all of his money in advance? What if he hurt me and then just laughed it off and refused to help me, refused to try to fix it, unless I gave him 10X more money that I didn't have up front (not in payments). My one sister was a registered nurse and she swore that she was telling the truth. I started to make a hand written list of questions to ask Dr. "P" when I saw him. The appointment date arrived and I went in. Dr. "P" examined me, he was professional but he didn't come off as particularly caring at all. However, he also didn't act crazy. So I started to ask Dr. "P" the questions, holding my paper in my hands so that I wouldn't get scared and forget anything. I'd made all the questions much more benign sounding than what my sisters had said and mostly they stuck to the facts about the risks and what happens if something goes wrong. As I asked him questions he started to act freaked out. Then he began hedging on whether or not I should have a chemical peel at all. Then he said that he was now uncomfortable with me as a patient because of my questions. I was still only 19 years old and I'd been through a lot. My sisters had filled my head up with all kinds of nonsense and I was simply scared. I saw Dr. "P" recoiling from me and I didn't know what to say or do to explain it to him. I didn't expect him to guarantee me anything, I only wanted to know that he was a decent human being with some morals, that he cared about his work and if he botched it that he'd try, just try, to fix it without chuckling at me snidely and insisting I give him 10X more money than I had up front. I already knew there were no guarantees anywhere in life. I'd just recovered from a three year illness that had made an old woman out of me. I had fought to survive or die with whatever dignity I could grasp ALONE. I didn't expect any handouts. I'd be willing to work hard at a job and make payments for whatever sum he wanted if the chemical peel went wrong and he had to invest time into repairing the problems to the best of his ability. I only expected decency. And I had learned that doctors could hurt you any way they desired and there wasn't anything that you could do about it afterwards. Dr. "P" didn't hear any of this because I never told him. I realized if my questions freaked him out this kind of explanation would freak him out even worse. Like Dr. "M" he wouldn't be able to follow it if I said it. Dr. "P" concluded the appointment by rejecting me as a candidate for the chemical peel. My face never was repaired and now 15 years later it remains damaged. The marks on my face and how they got there have shaped my entire life. The story continues�� Moreover, it turned out that my sickness really was only dormant. I've NEVER been as sick as I was from ages 16-19, but I have had continued problems all of my life. I still don't have a concrete diagnosis, but I haven't had the chance to go to many doctors either� I have also found out within my adulthood that for the most part my sisters prefer it when I'm down or less than I could be because this makes them feel more powerful in life. In addition, it sure makes them look superior to me in my parent's eyes. It's great for my sisters when I look like a failure. I come from a very emotionally toxic family. I didn't really understand that when I was younger, but I know it now. |
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