Sunday ~ June 20, 1999

Searching For Truth
 

The long trails of smoke ascend up toward the ceiling,  spiraling upward as if to extend through the ceiling and beyond the roof.   Incense...   burning in a dimly lit room used for meditation and prayer,  the fragrance of jasmine permeates the air.

The intent is to focus and remain calm,  at peace.   Not thinking of enjoying nor enduring each moment, but rather to remain focused and calm.   Just "being"...  letting the thoughts slowly cease until there ARE none...  just the stillness of the room,  the sounds of nothingness.

Peace is thus realized...
 

But what is the truth about my existence?

Well,  to really delve into this question would be to scrape the bottoms of my soul for an answer...   and in all honesty,  I don't have any,  for I haven't achieved "enlightenment' yet.

...so, the truth about MY existence?

I NEED TO BEGIN ACCEPTING MYSELF!

I suppose I've always had a hard time "accepting" myself as a valid individual,  and I don't know if it was because of my past failures at trying to succeed in life and not actually getting to where I can truly say I've "made" some success of it,  or having been programmed to react to others thoughts or opinions just to please them or gain their acceptance.

And in analyzing my own past,  I have never accepted myself as an individual with worth and success,  and maybe it's because I'm still searching for some form of identity.   Maybe I've found it and just dont' know it yet,  and that being this jazz drummer is what I'm all about.

I realize I am sometimes too hard on myself and know I need to "lighten up" a bit,  but I accept nothing short of perfection, but then again I realize that I'm not perfect!

...or maybe I already am?   Maybe everything in the universe IS in there proper place and time,  that destiny is already unfolding as it should,  and the past,  present, and future are all one, and interconnected somehow.
 

Sometimes...

I know who I am.

It's just that I feel I'm still learning,  like a child...  there's so much out there,  yet I feel too that everything I need to know is within.

I've been feeling at peace lately,  but living is a constant struggle.   I think I've learned recently that the struggle is my own interpretation of how I experience everday life.   I suppose it doesn't have to be hard,  but sometimes people make it that way...    on themselves!

I realize nothing is permanent,  and if one is to survive and cope in one's daily existence,  then one must know that things change everyday. 

"Nothing IS constant but change."

What then?  If life is this constant state of flux?

I suppose I must accept it,  and realize that I need to ADAPT,  and my survival depends on how I adapt to the changes in my life.

*I've been doing okay,  really!*

ADAPTING is my keyword for today...

...for life IS change...

and we've all been changing since day one!