:::: May 25, 1999 ::::

TUESDAY May 25, 1999

Dismal Days

Today I feel more depressed than ever...

I guess the feelings of being fired from the band have truly "hit home" now. Feelings of being a failure again have gotten the best of me. I'm entertaining thoughts of quiting music altogether. This music business is very hard, a constant struggle... maybe I really am a total failure when it comes to music. My parents seldom came out to the shows to see me and the rest of my family have failed to show! I feel now that I just don't have what it takes to really make it in the music business.

I went for a walk today and did some gardening this morning. No matter what I DO I still feel the pain of having been fired from what was considered my livelihood, my calling.

It's going to be extremely hard to get back on my feet after this, as the band was really popular and I was fired because it was perceived that my tempo fluctuated. I may have a hard time finding work because of it.

Today, I'm trying to "accentuate the positive" but it doesn't seem to help. I'm scared about the reality of having to scramble for work to try and make sure the bills get paid.

But I do feel good about writing again in my journal. I need to write these things down and try to work it out of my system.

Well, keeping myself busy is my first step... continuing to make telephone calls and do projects around the house. The gardening does calm me a bit, but I still feel the stress and the panic of being out of work.

It was nice getting an email from Bill Elliott... I was flattered but I know it was wishful thinking on my part. He's already got a great drummer and a couple of subs.

I hope this pain in my heart goes away... being fired from the band was like being broken hearted... there is a lot of pain that I feel and I think it'll be a long time before it goes away...

One year ago today

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