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| TUESDAY
December 15, 1998
I am feeling ill today, sort of sick to my stomach, from what I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm feeling a depression again. My previous post was a total venting session, I know. I guess after all this talk about being positive it's hard to really maintain the positiveness if you're being accused of something you are not. Anyway, I am in no way a prima donna. As a matter of fact I've always had problems acknowledging that I'm any good at what I do. As the above quote states, I myself am completely merciless with myself. I'm not happy with myself and wish I could be better than I am doing now. Some would think that's a great asset, that I'm a perfectionist. But my meager striving for perfection is what tortures me to no end! How do I feel, right this minute? I feel like a failure. In the real world people look at musicians as "flakes", people who don't have a clue how to deal with the "real" world and live their lives in this fantasy world of music and performance. It's not like I'm an Engineer or a Doctor, or even a Lawyer for that matter. I've had years of formal study in becoming what I am but people will just think of me as just some musician. When the above picture was taken, it marked the first time I'd ever completed a half-marathon. It was a great, personal achievement for me, and although others were much faster than I and finished ahead of me, I was still pretty darn fast in my book. I felt proud of that accomplishment. I had set out to prove that I could do something and I did. It was a personal victory for me. The same thing applies to my drumming talents. I see a lot of drummers better than I, but I believe I can "hold my own" when it comes to giving a great performance on the drums. I don't think this is being a prima donna. I think it's more a feeling of confidence and knowing you can achieve something.... like climbing Mount Everest. Why do we do it, because it's there... for us to conquer, but we also do it because of the love we have for it. It's not that long ago that my college musical director told me (to my face) that I would NEVER amount to anything in music! Those words still ring in my head with nightmarish quality. I still feel the pain of being told I am no good. I don't think this is the sign of a prima donna. Allthough I've been able to temper this negative feedback and turn it around to the positive side, I still feel the pain of being told I'm no good. When I went into a deep depression, no one was there for me. I was lost. I ended up dropping out of the music program because of this. I talked to my parents about it but they wouldn't listen to how I felt, and became angry instead, re-affirming that I was a failure. It has since been a long journey to get back to where I could feel confident enough to perform. Prima donna, someone says? I think the term "survivor" is more like it! There is more to a picture than what
it appears to be. There is always a hidden story being the
image. Sometimes one can misinterpret a scene,
or a situation, only to discover that what one thought was one way,
is actually another. There are hidden meanings within many
forms. Blessed are the ones who can see through it all,
blessed are the ones who can't see it, but do acknowledge that there
IS more hidden underneath.
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Current
Listenings:
Once Upon A Time In The West The English Patient - Soundtrack Enchanted April - Soundtrack
Handel's Messiah Highlights Canadian Brass - High, Bright & Clear Home For Christmas Compilation Nat King Cole - The Christmas Song Barbra Streisand - A Christmas Story Christmas Music On The Harp Current Readings: Drummin' Men
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away!
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