Harry Potter and the Really Disturbing Fact that He is Actually Totally Gay and Completely in Love With his Old Enemy Draco Malfoy who Does Not Know that Either The Boy Who Lived or Himself Are Gay Yet.
OR
HPatRDFtHiATGaCiLWhOEDMwDNKtETBWLoHAGY ..... for short.
Thanks to Lady Severus for help with title. Had to polish it up a little. I'd list the alternatives, but it would take up an entire Goblet of Fire Edition. Trust me, this was the one we both liked.
I got LS to think up some silly stuff and I promised her a fic, I needed a break from GD. So here it is!
Things it had to have:
Shape shifting battle monkeys.
Someone saying "Good luck, heroic monkey."
Someone moving as swiftly as a duck.
A life sized, James Earl Jones statue in an entry way.
A plastic sardine.
NOTES: I am so, so sorry. I'm not very good at this kind of genre.
THIS JUST GOES TO SHOW WHY MSN CHATS THAT ARE CONDUCTED WHILE I'M ON UNBELIEVABLE AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE, ARE A VERY, VERY BAD IDEA!
I would never have agreed otherwise ... well, maybe I would have, I guess we'll never know now.
Part 1 ..... Oh Christ, I'm gonna be writing another one?
The shape shifting battle monkeys were slowly losing hope. They stared mournfully into their Large Magic Seeing Glass. An image of a blonde boy and a black-haired boy yelling at each other was the picture that every single being present wished to turn their eyes from, but could not. The blonde turned and stormed off and the black-haired boy's face lost it's angry look and appeared sorrowful as a redheaded boy and a bushy haired girl patted his arm in understanding and comfort.
An old, greying monkey stepped up to the centre of the large auditorium and tapped the microphone, causing horrific feedback noise. After the noise cleared the grey monkey spoke calmly, with an exceedingly pompous accent.
"My fellow Monkariens. As you can see, young Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter of the Human Dimension have not yet consummated their concealed love. I assume that no-one needs reminding of what will happen, should they not lie together by the next full moon that takes place in their world."
Many Monkariens shifted nervously, understanding the consequences.
The Elder cleared his throat for silence. "We must somehow get them to see how they truly feel."
Outraged uproar from the audience.
"I know. I know. We agreed only to intervene as a last resort. Well, as you can see, we have not much time left. We must find a brave soul among us. Braver than any who have gone before and send her to their dimension. The time to act is NOW!"
Cheers and boos mingled together.
"My people, please my people! I realise that many do not wish to interfere with fate's course, but surely you see we have no choice. Would you all prefer the alternative?"
Silence, with a few embarrassed coughs. A young Monkarien farted loudly, causing his friends to laugh hysterically and clap him on the back.
"Who here, has the courage to undertake this task? I ask now, and should no volunteers, er, ... volunteer, we shall settle it with Rock, Paper, Scissors."
Tremors went around the congregation at the Sacred Game's name being said out loud. No Monkarien had dared speak it since the great Cheese on Toast Task had been declared open, some five hours ago. Many still wept at their memories of those cruel moments.
A male Monkarien leapt to his feet in the front row. "Face it! We have failed! Our world will perish! We must hurry! Our masturbating days are numbered!"
Panic ensured as almost everyone discarded their clothes and began masturbating in frantic earnest.
"People! People, please stop panicking!" The Elder squawked into the microphone. "There is still hope!"
"Can we still masturbate?" An elderly woman called from the back.
"Well, of course we can. But not so hurriedly, we can take our time!" The Elder yelled back reassuringly, hoping he spoke the truth. "The Council has a plan!"
Everyone slowed their movements down a little and listened intently.
"We shall send our chosen warrior, who shall shape shift into Harry Potter and will try to make Draco Malfoy see the light. As we all know Harry has already realised who his heart pines for, but is under the impression that the feeling shall never be returned. Once Draco realises his own desires they shall root like rabbits and our world will be saved!"
Cheers and everyone's hands sped up to stimulate, er, simulate ... (slightly wet sounding) clapping.
"Who here thinks she has the courage to devote oneself to this quest? As you know, we cannot possibly send a man. Far too weak and vapid for a physical task of this magnitude."
Many nods of agreement, and the men sighed in relief, knitting cardigans with their feet as they were still masturbating with their hands.
The gigantic auditorium started to shake as most of the entire population of Monkaria began their impending orgasms simultaneously. They wouldn't last much longer.
"Is their anyone who will volunteer for this perilous mission?"
One Monkarien who had started masturbating before the panicked rush, got a little ahead of her fellow beings. "Oh god, yes!"
"Excellent! Lemura of the House of Orang, has volunteered."
Lemura of the House of Orang looked around as her comrades cheered, speeding up their motions. "Oh shit, did I? ... Oh well, I guess it won't be too bad ... " She was obviously still in the hazy aftermath of an orgasm. The few moments when it is believed you could take on a god and still emerge victorious. Never a good time to attempt such things, or mutter anything endearing to a one night stand.
Sometimes those mutterings result in you getting a stalker, or worse ... A Relationship, *shudders* which is bad. Very bad. Very, very bad. NEVER do it, because there's always a chance that you're with that one weirdo that wants to stick around, so long as you give him an opening ... er, so to speak. I probably could have worded that better.
Anyway, back to the story. The 'alleged' story. I am sorry, so sorry, PLEASE BLAME LADY SEVERUS!
"It has been decided! We shall certainly taste triumph in this calling."
Like a very sticky ticker tape parade, the coliseum shook violently and streams of semen and vaginal fluids rained down in celebration.
Tasting triumph had never looked so ... salty. Or so slippery.
I've never felt so queasy. Well, except for that time when I had to write a Draco/Voldemort sex scene, but that was only to be expected.
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It was a solemn affair as final preparations were made for Lemura of the House of Orang's journey to the Human Dimension.
She stood majestically beside the 'Ooo, Let's Invent A Device That Can Send One Of Us To Another Dimension. That'll Solve All Our Problems!' Machine that the splendid Founding Mothers of the 'Monkarien Mothers Against Drunk Tree Swinging' had built some three months ago when it was secretly decided by the government that help would be needed in getting Draco and Harry together in order to save their planet.
"Our Prayers and ejaculatory fluids shall be with you, always." The Elder handed over a large vial, containing a plentiful amount of what had been left to clean up after the cumming and licking from the World Meeting had finished. Lemura of the House of Orang held up the vial and the spectators cheered exuberantly.
"People of Monkaria! I vow to succeed or perish! You have my word of honour I shall not rest at any living moment that I possess, until I have accomplished the task of making Draco and Harry mate like minxes! Bonk like Bunnies! Shag like sheep! Hump like harlots and pork like Popes!"
The cheering reached a tremendous level, causing plaster to fall from the roof.
"Good luck, heroic Monkey!" Came the Official Farewell that they had finally decided on, that very morning. It had been taken from some appalling poem.
Lemura of the House of Orang stepped into the 'Ooo, Let's Invent A Device That Can Send One Of Us To Another Dimension. That'll Solve All Our Problems!' Machine, which looked suspiciously like a dustbin with brightly coloured buttons, and sat down, allowing the lid to be placed on top.
The 'Ooo, Let's Invent A Device That Can Send One Of Us To Another Dimension. That'll Solve All Our Problems!' Machine had actually been built out of a dustbin with normal buttons. The buttons had been brightly painted later on, once the glue had dried, as the Monkariens had discovered early on in the prototype stages, that brightly painting the buttons before the glue, that was holding them on had dried, caused them (the aforementioned buttons) to fall off.
It also caused the author to write ridiculously long sentences with many repetitions in them.
There was silence throughout the entire stadium as the 'Ooo, Let's Invent A Device That Can Send One Of Us To Another Dimension. That'll Solve All Our Problems!' Machine started to softly hum. Then shake. With an ear splitting 'Oh Crap!' it folded in on itself and disappeared from sight.
Every single Monkarien head turned to stare at their Large Magic Seeing Glass.
A picture of a large castle, where Draco and Harry resided. Nothing changed until a bright light appeared over it's lake. A dust bin appeared in the air above the surface of the lake. It made a big splash and finally it bobbed back up to the surface.
The Elder pushed the Large Magic Seeing Glass' remote, making the image zoom in to focus on the small shape shifting battle monkey warrior. She clambered out and shape shifted into a duck and started to paddle to the edge. Effectively making her move as swiftly as a duck. Well you fucking well try and write that in somewhere!
She finally reached the shore and was promptly swallowed whole by Fang who had watched her make her way over. A large crunch was heard just before the swallowing action.
The entire population of Monkaria groaned in misery.
"We are doomed!" Yelled the Elder. "We must take action!"
The large gathering began masturbating in earnest.
To Be Continued.
In the next part .....
Find out what disastrous disaster will befall the planet of Monkaria!
Find out if Fang will get indigestion after eating a duck that was really, Lemura of the House of Orang, a shape shifting battle monkey from the planet of Monkaria who had recently arrived in Draco and Harry's dimension in an 'Ooo, Let's Invent A Device That Can Send One Of Us To Another Dimension. That'll Solve All Our Problems!' Machine, so she could pretend to be Harry and show to Draco that he loved him, in order to get the two aforementioned boys to fuck like ferrets and save the planet of Monkaria!!!
Wonder why I summarised the entire first part, after you've already read it!
Did you actually read it!
You IDIOT! (Wow, that works for either answer!)
Be astounded by how I can drag this story on, in order to prove to Lady Severus that she shouldn't have suggested anything of the sort!
Find out if Draco and Harry actually do get to some Nookie Time with each other!
Wonder if I can work anymore wanking into the story!
Discover the fact that I'm desperately stalling for time in order to work out how the FUCK to get James Earl Jones' statue into the story!
YES! There will be exceptionally OOC Harry, Draco, Ron, Hermione and anyone else I can think of, in the next part!
If you don't leave lots of reviews there won't be more!
PLEASE don't leave a review! I need a valid excuse to not finish it!
I'M SERIOUS! PLEASE GOD DON'T!
But feel free to leave one on any of my other stories! *g*
Ponder why every single sentence had an exclamation mark!
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Part 2
"Draco! I am your father!"
Draco rolled his eyes at the James Earl Jones' life sized statue that now stood at the entry way to the Slytherin dorms. He glared at Crabbe.
"Seriously, whoever the fuck took Professor Snape to an Original Star Wars Trilogy Marathon is going to meet with a very nasty ending. Not to mention whoever told him that James Earl Jones was in other movies. If I have to put up with 'The Lion King' ONE MORE TIME ... " He glared at a suspiciously nervous looking Goyle before addressing the statue. "Where on earth did he get you anyway? EBay?"
The statue gave a pleading look and whispered out of the side of his mouth. "Please, help me. I'm the real James Earl Jones. One moment I was sitting in my living room, the next thing I knew, I was a statue, that weird guy in black was skipping around me humming, and I was getting shipped off to England."
Draco raised an eyebrow. "Really? Snape? Snape kidnapped you, turned you into a statue and had you shipped here? ... Cool!"
Professor Snape trotted up. "Mister Malfoy? Are you harassing Jam ... er, the, er, normal completely typical, standard, absolutely ordinary, statue of James Earl Jones?"
Draco smiled. "No, sir. Not me, never." He leaned over so the other passing Slytherins wouldn't hear him. "You so have to teach me how to do that."
Snape smirked and gave a quick nod. "Say something in your lovely deep voice. Oh, come on. Say something!"
"This is CNN." The statue said forlornly. If he could have slumped his shoulders, he would have.
But he was a statue so he couldn't. Statues are made out of ... er, solid stuff, some kind of rock, um, I probably should have researched this.
"Damn straight!" Snape said cheerfully and shuffled off in a lopsided dance, muttering something about feeling the love tonight.
"Ew, Snape singing Elton John. Oh god, worse Snape and Elton John ... "Draco cut himself off and shuddered. "Have fun, Jonsie." He said as he went to head off to Care of Magical Creatures.
What the hell are statues made out of?
"Draco! You are a faggot!" James yelled to the retreating blonde back.
"Watch it Marble-Man!" Was hollered back. "Or I'll turn you into a James Earl Jones vibrator for Snape to play with."
Marble? Are there marble statues? Damn me, I mean how hard would it have been for me to check it on Google.
Draco strolled past a trembling Fang, that seemed to be trying to cough up a fluffy hair ball.
Or some other search engine? Stupid statues.
Completely and utterly concerned for the clogged canine (oh okay, he just wanted to stall from going to class for a bit), he sent his faithful followers off and slapped the dog on the back a couple of times. A duck foot landed on the ground with a couple of slobbery feathers. Fang gave Draco an appreciative lick and, with his good deed done for the day, the blonde wandered off to join his class.
At least that (the whole join his class thing) had been the original plan. Not a very good plan, but it didn't work anyway as his feet suddenly took a left turn of their own accord and wandered him over to the Quidditch pitch.
"Stupid bloody feet! What the hell are you doing? Why am I being forced to walk this way? Stop right now!" They stopped. "That's better."
He looked up and found that they had stopped because he was standing in front of Harry Potter.
"Damn you feet. Start again!"
"Oh give up, the author wanted you to be here. You can't fight the almighty power of the pen."
Well keyboard, really, not pen. I find it's easier to write directly onto the computer, rather than firstly on paper and then ...
"Are you quite finished?" Harry said grumpily.
Well, fucking well, excuse me.
Harry looked back to Draco, who still wasn't quite sure what was going on. "Malfoy? What are you doing here?"
Arrogant prick, interrupting me. Who on earth does he ...
"SHUT UP!" They both shouted. The readers yelled in agreement and Draco whipped his head around violently.
"Who were all those people yelling?"
"Just don't worry, let's get this over with." Harry said, shuffling his feet. "I said what are you doing here, and you say ... "
"I have no fucking idea. About what to say or what I'm doing here."
"Just try something. This is humiliating enough as it is."
"Why?"
"Er, don't worry, just go with it."
"Er, okay, um I was just ... "
Harry broke in. "I'm in love with you!"
Draco gave a blank look.
Draco gave a confused look.
Draco gave a blank look.
Draco gave a confused look.
Draco gave a blank look.
Draco gave a confused look.
Draco gave a blank look.
Draco gave a confused look.
Draco gave a blank look.
Draco gave a confused look.
Draco gave a blank look.
Draco gave a confused look.
Draco batted away the plastic sardine that was buzzing around his face like a really large plastic mosquito that was shaped like a sardine. It reminded him vaguely of how annoying the life sized James Earl Jones statue was.
Because he was still in shock and thinking about the annoying life sized James Earl Jones statue, when he swatted the plastic sardine, his hand moved as swiftly as a duck shouting "Good luck, heroic monkey." (to a room full of shape shifting battle monkeys), would move.
Draco gave a blank look.
Draco gave a confused look.
Draco gave a blank look.
Draco gave a confused look.
Draco gave a blank look.
Draco gave a confused look.
Draco gave a blank look.
Draco gave a confused look.
Draco gave a blank look.
Draco gave a confused look.
Draco gave a blank look.
"Um, ooooooooooooooooooooooo kay." Draco rubbed his face as it was now hurting from all the expressions.
Well, there were only two expressions but he did both a number of times.
"Sorry, I had to say it. It's been eating me up from the inside." Harry flushed. "I love you, and I know you don't love me, and that you never will but I had to say it.
"Er, kay, um I'm just going to go stand over here." Draco walked five steps to the left and stood there quietly.
I still can't believe I fitted them all into one sentence.
"I, ... I have to go." Harry blurted out and ran off.
I should have done that one sentence thing from the start and just gotten to the part of these two making out.
"Yeah, okay, bye." Draco said to the empty pitch.
He finally noticed that he was on his own. It actually took him three days and he only realised because he was hungry and there was a disturbing smell coming from his trousers.
He pulled a hammer out of his robe's pocket and pinned the plastic sardine to the ground, smashing it thoroughly.
"It's all YOUR fault, that he loves me!"
Why did he have a hammer in his robes?
"DUH, so I can smash things!" He looked at the author as if she was insane.
He wandered back to his dorms and got changed having a nice long bubbly bath singing to his rubbery ducky, which was blue for some reason instead of yellow.
Insane? HE thinks I'M insane??? Then again, considering this story ...
"Draco! You are a faggot!"
He glared at the statue.
"Am not."
"Are too."
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"AM NOT!"
"ARE TOO DEE TOO!"
Draco's mouth was open but silent for a second as his brain tried to catch up. "How long have you been wanting to say that?"
The statue/James grinned. "Oh, I've been waiting YEARS to say that to someone."
"I'm not gay."
"Sure you are. That's why you're in love with that Harry Potter boy."
"I'm NOT!"
"Then why does everyone keep saying you are?" JEJ said without missing a beat.
"They don ... they do?"
"Hell, yeah. Everyone does, Simba."
"Draco."
"Oh right, sorry, your stupid teacher is driving me nuts."
Draco shot a look to JEJ's crotch where indeed the pale hand of the Potions professor could been seen.
"Where's the rest of him?"
The statue gave an alarming full body shudder. "He said something about preparations."
Draco scrunched up his nose. "Let's change the topic. So everyone is saying that I love Harry?"
"Yep."
"Hm, well if everyone's saying it ... I mean, that many people couldn't be wrong."
"Guess not."
"So I'm gay?"
"Uh huh. I'd nod if I could."
But he was a statue, so he couldn't. ... He was made of ... rocky kind of solid stuff.
"Huh?" Draco said looking around.
"Never mind her, she still hasn't looked up what statues can be made out of." JEJ helpfully provided.
"So I'm gay?"
"Oh for crying out loud." JEJ sighed. "Yes, you are gay, you are in love with Harry. Go fuck and leave me to my doom."
"So Harry's gay?"
The statue sighed and actually wished that Snape would return and cart him off.
"NO I ... "
The statue suddenly couldn't talk.
Draco snickered.
The author snickered.
Draco walked up to the Gryffindor tower, through the common room after finding the Fat Lady's portrait was conveniently left open and finally entered Harry's dorm room, grabbed Ron by one of his large, dorky ears and threw him out, slamming the door after the redhead and locking it firmly, he turned to where Harry sat, dumbfounded on his bed, staring at the blonde in surprise and embarrassment.
The author told whoever the hell had just sarcastically yelled out "Ever heard of a full stop?" to fuck off and that she'd write however the hell she wanted.
"Er, Draco? What are you doing here?"
"Apparently I'm gay."
"Um, okay."
"Apparently, I'm in love with you. That's what they're saying."
Harry's face brightened. "Really? Who says?"
"Everyone. I'm not sure myself."
"So, who told you?"
"The James Earl Jones statue that stands at the entry way to the Slytherin dorms."
"Oh." Harry was silent for a second. "And, are you?"
Draco shrugged. "Well, they keep saying I am."
Harry thought for a moment and shrugged. "Good enough for me."
"Cool."
Draco walked over and grabbed Harry's face kissing him fiercely.
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Fade to soft romantic music. Ignore odd banging sound that sounds suspiciously like a headboard, hitting a wall.
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Naked!Harry snuggled up to Naked!Draco and pulled the sheet up to their chins.
*Coughprudescough*
"It's fucking cold!" Harry yelled back.
Yeah right. Cold fucking more like.
"Shut up! So, do you love me?"
No.
"NOT YOU BITCH!"
Whatever.
Harry nudged Draco.
"What?"
"Do you love me?"
Draco thought for a second and shrugged. "You'll do."
Harry grinned and kissed him hard.
Very hard.
Apparently the hardness was contagious.
And now we have to fade to the music again.
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Do, de, dah, do, do, do, de, dah, dah, trundle, blundle, trundle.
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Anyway, they were finally just lying there, not moving rhythmically, and they slowly fell asleep in each others arms, forcing Ron, Dean, Seamus and Neville to sleep on the couches in the common room.
Let's just say there was a lot of music there too.
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The shape shifting battle monkeys of Monkaria cheered.
Bet you thought I'd forgotten about them.
"We are saved! Harry and Draco have banged like budgies! And just in time too!"
Do budgies have sex? Why am I even asking?
A few hours later, the large space shuttle landed, with the entire population of Monkaria (barring Lemura of the House of Orang, who was eaten by Fang when ...)
The author glared at the people who had just yelled at her. Don't think I can't see you.
A few hours later, the large space shuttle landed, with the entire population of Monkaria watching in trepidation. They weren't sure that the agreement would be upheld.
The door of the ship slid open and out stepped Lady Severus, Queen of the planet of Potterdom, closely followed by her second in command Felicity, the Queen of Potterdom's twin planet, Malfoydom.
Lady Severus stepped to the Elder. "Have you completed the task we asked of you?"
"We have, indeed." The Elder lied through his teeth, knowing that they hadn't done anything to help, they'd just gotten lucky.
They should be grateful, I was going to destroy their world.
Lady Severus and Felicity watched the recording of Draco and Harry's previous, er, movements.
Maybe I can still do it?
Felicity smiled. "Excellent. This will make great bootlegging in our home worlds. The Treaty shall be signed. There shall be peace between our people."
How boring.
The population of Monkaria cheered and began masturbating. Lady Severus and Felicity quickly signed the necessary papers and beat a hasty retreat.
Hm, perhaps beat wasn't the most appropriate word at the time. Never mind.
Everyone was happy.
Dear god, how lame.
The End
In the next part .....
HA! Thank god there isn't one.
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Crabbe and Goyle looked at each other in confusion. There was soft romantic music coming from Snape's room and the life sized statue of James Earl Jones was no-where to be seen.
Hehehehehehe.