"The Things I'll Never Get" CALLIE: An "A" in math. SEPHIROTH: Revenge on Hojo. CLOUD: A girlfriend who isn't completely dependent on me MATT: A day where I'm not completely bored. SELPHIE: My very own train station. CID: A lab assistant that isn't a &^*(ing dumbass! >File:05 The Last Days of Our Acquaintance CALLIE: I hope that's a promise. >written by Ravenna MATT: Ghostwritten by Oscar, edited by Ratliff, illustrated by Gonterman, and spell-checked by Dr. Thinker. >This one is a tearjerker, so get the tissues ready. (Cloud and Sephiroth get their swords ready) (Cid gets his spear ready) (Selphie gets her nunchuks ready) (Matt gets his cheese ready.) (Callie does her nails.) >Does anything happen to make loved ones hate us so? SEPHIROTH: Writing insanely dreadful fanfiction. >Some may respond, yes, many things. CID: Other may respond, sort of, a few things. Still more people might say, no, nothing at all. It depends on how you look at it. >But, a true love never would fret the small stuff. CALLIE: unless the small stuff in question is REALLY small. CLOUD: Ecchi. >Just cherish it. SEPHIROTH: **snicker** Small stuff... >Remember that someone may just have a crush on you, and you would be letting him or her down. Gender is not even in issue in true love. SELPHIE: I'm sure Irvine would agree with THAT. >Hope Has a Place CALLIE: the International House of Pancakes. >One look at love and you may see CLOUD: Ted Kennedy throwing up in the punchbowl. >It weaves a web over mystery, SEPHIROTH: It has "Some Pig" written in the center of it. >All raveled threads can rend apart MATT: Like pants. >For hope has a place in the lover's heart, CID: Cleveland. >Hope has a place in a lover's heart. SELPHIE: Insert joke about repetition departments being repetitive here, repetitively. >Whispering world, A sigh of sighs, CALLIE: The Cole Muffler place next to the IHOP. >The ebb and the flow of the ocean tides, CLOUD: Squall Leonheart in Waterworld 2: Drinking More Urine. >One breath, one world may end or may start SEPHIROTH: The world of StarOcean. >A hope in a place in the lover's heart. MATT: A little to the left and down. >Hope has a place in a lover's heart. SELPHIE: I want to rhyme that, but I'm too tired. >Look to love you may dream, CID: Insert nightmare riff here. >And if it should leave then give it wings. CALLIE: But then the dream flies into the air and forgets how, falling down and dying. Oh, the humanity! >But if such a love is meant to be; CLOUD: then I expect it won't happen in this fanfic. >Hope is home, and the heart is free. SEPHIROTH: And home is where the heart is, and the cycle continues. >Under the heavens we journey far, MATT: ~ We Three Kings of Orient are...~ >On roads of life we're the wanderers, SELPHIE: Da da da...::bounces little paddle-ball:: >So let love rise So let love depart, CID: **yawn** Okay. >Let hope have a place in the lover's heart. CALLIE: And the award for the most Boring Lyrics Ever goes to... >Hope has a place in the lover's heart. (Cloud snores.) >Look to love and you may dream, SEPHIROTH: Yeah, yeah, dream, whatever. >And if it should leave then give it wings. MATT: Repe...**yawn**...ti...**snore**... >But if such a love is meant to be; SELPHIE: Zzzzz... >Hope is home, and the heart is free. (Cid mumbles "Damn ShinRa" in his sleep.) >Hope is home, and the heart is free. CALLIE: As usual, I out-lasted everyone. SEPHIROTH: Except me. >~Enya CALLIE: SUCKS! (Everyone wakes up with a start.) KEIRA: Now, now, no sleeping... >Or maybe I didn't black out. No.... That would of been a fate to sweet for someone who loves so bitterly as I. MATT: And writes as badly. >I glance from the wool carpet to the clock again. SELPHIE: (Alec) Dammit! I missed "Dukes"! >The clock reads six, and my suspicions are put to rest by the dark golden hue glinting the door. SEPHIROTH: Six AM? Six PM? CID: Either way, it wouldn't be too golden out. >My head is throbbing, as is my heart, which has not reduced to its normal state. CLOUD: **blinks sleepily** Mmmmrrggghhh... CALLIE: (patting Cloud's head) Wake up, Cloudy-chan-chan. It's ficcy time! CLOUD: Me no like fic. >"Thank god my mind finally shut the fuck up," I say out loud. ALL: EXACTLY! >Then I laugh at the ridiculousness of the sentence. ALL: AHAAHAHAHAHAHAA! >What the fuck has happened? MATT: We were all kidnapped and brought out of our alternate universes to this one by Keira, who was angry because...why? CALLIE: Because Shonen picked Sylpha over her, and Aku mentally destroyed himself, so his emotions were incorruptible and she couldn't travel to the mortal plane to chase AFTER Shonen. (There is deep silence.) SELPHIE: OOOooookay...what the HELL does that mean? CALLIE: Long story. >And then I have to take it all in again... the pain. The sting of the pain. MATT: The goddamn damned raspberries. SEPHIROTH: Dammit. >It felt like a bone was poking at my lung and scraping at its sides. At that time, I thought it would be better to eat something. CALLIE: And we have RAMEN SIGN! >I had just managed to drag myself to my feet when there was a knock on my door. CLOUD: (high-pitched) Housekeeping! You want mint for pillow? >"Alec?" shouted Quistis, "Alec, are you there?" "Just a second Quistis," CID: Ahhh! Two Quistises? SELPHIE: Hey! I like Quistis! She's my friend! >I said coughing. Little speckles of blood fell on my hand when I used it to cover my mouth. SEPHIROTH: Ew. >I opened the door and let my teacher in. CALLIE: (Alec) Nice seeing you again, Miss LeTourneau >"May I help you with anything, Instructor Trepe?" I said managing a false smile. SEPHIROTH: (Quistis) Yes, I've got an itch...right...there... (Selphie and Cloud both clobber Sephiroth) >"Cut the sarcasm, Alec. You know that will not work on a teacher. CALLIE: Funny, it always works on my teachers... >You know why I'm here too. Care to explain what happened?" "Oh.... That," I said turning my back to her, "I guess... Zell needed the win more than I did," Quistis forcefully turned me around and made me stare into her pale blue-green eyes. MATT: That were like damned raspberries, and coppery, and blah de freakin' blah. >"That is not the Alec I trained. CLOUD: (Quistis) The Alec I trained smelled kind of like hickory and enjoyed Yahtzee. >Now, something is up and you better tell me," "I can't Quistis," SEPHIROTH: Then get some Viagra. **SMACK** dammit, Cloud! >I explained to her, "It's still to hard to get all out," SELPHIE: Alec's bulimic! >"Then at least take my advice," she said leading me out into the hall and closing my door, "I have requested student counseling for you, and the student is waiting for you right now, as a matter of fact," "What?" I said in perfect surprise, "S-Student counseling?" ' "Yes, and it will be good for you. He's waiting in my classroom, and two more things too Alec," she said before walking away. CALLIE: (Quistis) Never set the cat on fire. CLOUD: (same) Soup is good food. SEPHIROTH: (Ditto) Don't feed the animals. MATT: (Likewise) There is no "I" in "Team", but there IS a "me". SELPHIE: (Yup yup) Don't ever put an entire cheese steak in the microwave and set it on 'Super High' for an hour and a half. CID: (And so on...) Watch out for that tree! >"What is that Instructor Trepe?" CID: ~ How much is that Instructor Trepe in the window... the one with the waggety tail...~ >"One. By honest to yourself and others Alec, I hate seeing you clam up. (Sephiroth and Callie make fish lips at each other) >And two, There is nothing wrong with being gay; I don't look at seeing you any differently. SELPHIE: Owww...that's one way to get eyestrain, looking at yourself seeing something. >Maybe, next time you three will keep a better look out, before going bar hopping, ne?" she said with a small laugh sashaying down the hall. CLOUD: Wow, personification of humor-induced biological reactions. SEPHIROTH: Bitchin'. >"Damn.... ALL: ~I wish I was your looooooooooooooooover...~ >What a good teacher," I said with a smile before running into Quistis' classroom. SEPHIROTH: If ya know what I mean! SELPHIE: Hey! >When I opened Quistis door, (Sephiroth and Callie snicker.) CLOUD: you two are so immature... >I almost thought she was playing a trick on me. A student that looked twice my age, was sitting in her chair; his cowboy boots propped atop of her desk. SELPHIE: IRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNE! (Everyone winces.) CLOUD: Ow, my ears! CID: (bleeding from the ears) What? (Callie is unfazed.) >"Well," I thought to myself, "He certainly made himself at home," MATT: Irvine was in his underwear, rummaging through the fridge. >His auburn hair was tucked inside his ten-gallon hat, a pony tail the same length as mine dropping down his chest. He wore a Caribbean blue vest that made you curious to see just how big his pecs were, and if he were to notice he'd probably want to buy you a drink. SEPHIROTH: For whatever reason. >He wore khaki colored breeches to top off his aloof personality, but I'd imagine it was more caring. MATT: What do khakis have to do with being aloof and caring? CALLIE: Yes. >"Hello..." I said uncertainly, "Instructor Trepe told me..." CALLIE: (Alec) That I looked good in green. Whaddaya think? >"Geez," he said smiling a little, "Are you in mourning?" My first thought was to say yes to his little joke. CLOUD: And I shall say it for him. YES. Sephiroth; And I shall say it for us all. YES. >"Yes," I would say, "I'm mourning the total attempt of suicide and my one true love hating me," "No," I say returning his great smile, "I always wear black," SELPHIE: Well, whoop de freakin' doo. >He grinned even harder, "I was only kidding, anyway take a seat, uh..." "Alec," I said sitting in the first bench. "What seems to be the problem? Quistis told me you threw out training. CID: (Alec) It was getting moldy! >That looks really bad on your score counts. If you want to be in SeeD, you have to be pretty perfect at everything..." "I... I froze up. I couldn't fight against Zell," I said shivering a little. "Is that who you were against," the man said in awe, "Were you afraid of his reputation? He has been a very good trainer," ALL: Go go, Power Trainers... >"No. It wasn't that... It was.... This guy went to block a shot for him. This guy... he... well never protected me once. Then when it was my turn to get hurt, he never protected me... Like... I thought he would..." SEPHIROTH: (Irvine) What ARE you smoking, and WHERE can I GET some? CID: You people use that line too much. CALLIE: Shut up, Ciddy! >"This guy.... You're.... Friends?" the man, asked. Lonely tears clouds in my eyes, and I shake my head. "You're...not.... Gay, are you?" he said shocked. MATT: (Irvine) Eeeeeeeeeeeeew! Gay cooties! >I nodded my head, and then I really broke down. I buried my face in my bone white hands and long black coat. CALLIE: (Irvine) Uhh, Alec, um, no offense or anything, but could you PLEASE put your coat back down and stop flashing me? >If there was one thing I didn't need right now was breaking down in front of a stranger. (All make car noises) >"He must think I'm a disgusting creature," I thought. CLOUD: Well, I sure do! CID: I'm thinking maybe ol' Cleo Jane/Ravenna is the disgusting one. >I nearly jumped five feet when two strong arms embraced me forcefully. SELPHIE: AAAAAAAAAUGH! IT'S THE DISEMBODIED ARM HUG OF DEATH! >I began to cry into his wonderful chest (yes, his pecs are huge) MATT: Well, THANK YOU for telling us. >and returned the embrace. He began to rub his hand across my back. "It's okay, Alec," he said with sorrow, "I know, I know... let it all out," CLOUD: ~ Shout...shout...let it all out... ~ CALLIE: ~ This is the fic we could do without... ~ >I look up with tear soaked copper eyes, (Matt rips a seat out of the floor and beats the screen with it. Although the movie screen doesn't seem to suffer any adverse effects, Matt does look a bit calmer when he sits back down.) KEIRA; Better? MATT: kinda. >into indigo pools in the middle of his face CALLIE: Looks like Irvine's been at the Clorox again... >that spoke of a sadness that equaled mine. He then sat down next to me with his arm still around me. "What's the problem, with you and this guy," he asked. "His name is Squall, and.... Zell told him he was in love with him before I got the chance. In a way I know it's fair, because... I waited so long. They are know lovers for life, and my love goes unrequited," CLOUD: All this, of course, can be told within a couple days' time. >"It hurts," he said rubbing my back again, "It can bring you on the verge of break," SEPHIROTH: (makes snapping noises) OOOOOOH! There goes his spine! >"I know... I took care of Squall for so long, I sort of let him walk all over me in a way. CID: (Irvine) ohh, is that what all those footprints on your face are from? >But one night, I took Zell into my room, and he was only wearing a pair black briefs covered in Squall's cum. SELPHIE: Poor Irvine, having to listen to this... >I had to take him in, then Squall came in too, and they discussed an intimate problem right in front of me. CLOUD: (Zell) Squall, do you ever have that not-so-fresh feeling? >I couldn't take the pressure anymore CALLIE: (Alec) ...and my head caved in. MATT: I wish! >so I ran out the room and ended up vomiting up half of my blood stream. SELPHIE: (Alec) Why? I dunno. It seemed like a good idea at the time. >Then, they took care of me. CALLIE: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease can I make a dirty joke? MATT: Simply because it wouldn't be all that funny anymore by now, no. CALLIE: Meanie-head! >Then we had training...and you know what happened after that," "You poor thing, you've been treated so badly," he said throwing his arms around me and kissed me on top of the forehead lightly, (Callie turns around and grabs Matt's head, attempting to kiss the "top" of his forehead. She fails and throws Matt back in his seat.) MATT: ...? CALLIE: Don't worry about it. >"But, you know there is only one thing you can do, and that is to CALLIE: ...run away and join the circus! SEPHIROTH: ...join the Hare Krishna! CLOUD: ...vomit up the OTHER Half of your bloodstream! MATT: ...dress in drag and do the hula! SELPHIE: ...get some Mentos! Mentos: The Freshmaker! CID: ...plant some flowers and dance around them in an attempt to contact the harvest gods! >confront Squall and tell him CALLIE: ...that he smells! SEPHIROTH: ...that his shirt has a big tomato sauce stain on it! CLOUD: ...that Zell's sleeping with Laguna and he doesn't like Squall anymore! MATT: ...don't worry, be happy! SELPHIE: ...that Zell's going around saying Squall's not any good, and that he snores! CID: ...that the last line was a pathetic excuse to do a group riff! KEIRA: (ominously) I...LIKE...the...group...riffs... CID: Err, sorry. >your feelings..." "Yes... I know, but it will hurt, won't it?" I asked him. MATT: (Brooklyn accent) Loike a BAAAAAAAAAAAYASTAHHHD! >Yes, it will... but it will hurt more if you don't tell him how you feel, and it will keep resurfacing down the road," SEPHIROTH: Like roadkill on the freeway, these are the Days of Our Lives. >... I know, but... I have to do it. You're right," CLOUD: (Irvine) No, I'm not. SELPHIE: (Alec) Oh, that's correct, sir! CLOUD: (Irvine) No, it isn't. SELPHIE: (Alec) That's so true. >The man gave me a tighter squeeze, CALLIE: We've secretly replaced Irvine with a boa constrictor, let's see if anyone notices. >"Good, and trust me it will all work out. For better, or for worse, who is to say, but you have to do something before it finally kills you," SEPHIROTH: or before I kill him. >"You're absolutely right... I think I'll even do it tonight," SELPHIE: All night, every night! In a house, with a mouse! In a box, with a fox! On the stairs, in a chair, Alec does it everywhere, on the land or in the air! CID: That's sick, Selphie... >I said getting up; his arms still around me. CLOUD: (Irvine) Owwww! Hold on! My arms are stuck! >"That's the spirit," he said regaining his wonderful smile. (Now this part is actually more desperate than anything else) CALLIE: (Ravenna) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T FLAME ME OH PLEASE OH PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE! >I pulled his mouth onto mine, SEPHIROTH: Ow. >kissing his great lips, a kiss of thanks, and a kiss to relieve our pain. CALLIE: (L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg) And then he kissed me. Right in the horizontal position! KEIRA: No one will get THAT! >He smiled and gave me another hug before turning CID: ...into a pumpkin. >me out to go. >I walked to the door, "This whole time, I haven't even known your name, and you've been like the best CALLIE: ...lay... CLOUD: Ix-nay! >friend I have ever had in my life," MATT: (Alec) And you're even visible! >He tipped up the brim of his hat and smiled, "Irvine Kinneas, and I fancied our meeting as well," SELPHIE: (Irvine, British) Pip pip, cheerio, and all that rot! >I smiled at him, for the first time in the week, "I have a feeling we will have plenty more," CALLIE: I have a feeling I will soon vomit. >And I left him there, an all-knowing man with sharp indigo eyes, and a smile that can knock over anyone's heart. (Everyone falls backwards off their chairs and sigh in unison.) >I returned to my dorm around eight. I was surprised how late it had gotten all ready. CLOUD: (Alec) Just in time for Hey Arnold! >I knocked on Squall's dorm. "Squall?" I yelled, "It's me, Alec! We need to talk!" No one seemed to be there. I turned to go down the hall. If he wasn't at his dorm, he was more likely at Zell's. SEPHIROTH: Baking cookies, doing his nails, and rehashing yesterday's episode of "Passions". >As soon as I got to the door, I thought I heard a man scream. MATT: Sounds like a fun night on the yaoi express! >"That's odd....," I thought knocking one on the door. CID: He's desperate. SEPHIROTH: That had to hurt. >No answer either. I turned around when I heard an obvious scream behind the door. "Nonsense Alec," my mind said, "They are probably making out, you'd just embarrass yourself," CALLIE: Yes, making out often causes extreme physical pain. SELPHIE: Only if you get your tongue caught on the other person's teeth, or something. >"No one makes out this early, (Everyone looks at each other and shrugs.) SEPHIROTH: Callie, if you're going to attempt to prove that wrong by grabbing me, Matt, or Cloud, and making out with us... CALLIE: (INNOCENTLY) Why, nooooooooooo! <3 >and if I hold it off any longer I'll probably not even do it at all," I grumbled and knocked again. CLOUD: Oh, yes, walk into a room where people are screaming and assume nothing wrong. >No one. I was going to go in anyway. SEPHIROTH: (Alec) Might as well check out his new Magic Knight Rayearth manga while I'm at it... >I grabbed the doorknob and watched it turn in my grasp. CID: that HAD to have been fascinating. CALLIE: (Alec, stoned) It was deep, man. >With a deep breath I entered into the dark room. MATT: (Alec) OH, NO! THEY PREMATURELY EXPOSED MY VACATION PICTURES! YOU BASTARDS! **sob** >I heard what sounded like a muffled scream within the inner walls. CLOUD: How'd they get in the walls? CALLIE: In the words of the extremely brave Megane 6.7... ALL: TOGGGGGG!!!! >I felt my hand across the peeling wallpaper for the light switch. SELPHIE: (Alec) Oohhh, what's this warm sticky stuff on the wall? CLOUD: SELPHIE! SELPHIE: I was referring to, uh...pudding...? CLOUD: Uh-huh. >"Gotcha," I whispered and flicked on the light. The sight I saw was more horrible than I predicted. CALLIE: THE MONKEES ARE TOURING AGAIN! (Everyone screams.) > I had nearly winced at the sight myself. >"So glad, you could drop in Alec," Seifer grinned still atop his stolen prize. CLOUD: (Seifer) Nyah nyah, I sat on all the piņata prizes and YOU CAN'T HAVE 'EM! >Zell was bonded to the bed, ropes tying his arms and legs together. CALLIE: You know what comes next, everyone... CLOUD: Do I have to? CALLIE: Yes. CLOUD: Ohh, all right... ALL: OOOOH, KINKY! >A scar ran down his left eye, and blood scrapes had settled into his inner thighs, and around his buttock. SELPHIE: He only has ONE? MATT: He must look bad in jeans. >He was in the buff all right CALLIE: And what a buff it is. **drool** CLOUD: Ugh. >, and Seifer was without pants straddling Zell. SEPHIROTH: (Seifer) We're playing "Cowboy", do you mind? >"Get off him now!" I screamed not even thinking, "That's rape, and you can be expelled out of this school!" CID: (Alec, wimpy) I'll tell the teacher on you! >Seifer laughed, "Expelled? Who cares when I have what I want here?" He said bending down and licking Zell's cock. SEPHIROTH: Now, how did they get a rooster in there? >Zell trembled with protest. (Cloud also trembles with protest.) >"You're sick..." I said grabbing my staff from its holster. MATT: (Alec, Hick) This training center ain' big 'nuff fer the two of us, pardner. >"You're gonna fight me?" he said grabbing Zell's growing shaft SELPHIE: And here comes the Swedish Made Penis Enlarger sketch! >and squeezing it slightly, "You'd better do it quickly before I hurt this poor creature," CLOUD: But...but he's already...bleeding and...and...and... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! (Callie hugs Cloud) CALLIE: It's okay, it's okay...it's almost over now, sweetie. >Seifer's gun blade shimmered in the corner. He grabbed his pants and threw them over his erection and still trembling legs. SEPHIROTH: New Cosmo Sex Quiz: Does YOUR Seifer Shake After Sex? >"What are you gonna do? You're so weak...," he said laughing at me. MATT: (Alec, whiny) I'm not weeeeeeeeeeak, I'm just delicate! >"I'm going to put your ego in check once and for all.... Men are people, not sex toys for you to shag whenever you get the slightest bit horny!" CLOUD: (Alec) I am Sailor Alec, and in the name of respectful homosexual relationships I shall punish you! CALLIE: ...they're not? >He grabbed his gun blade and licked the side of it. CID: This guy will do anything. MATT: Literally. SELPHIE: I don't remember Seifer being at all like this. >"Your a fucking bastard, you know that Seifer?" I said taunting at him. CALLIE: No, actually, he's fucking _A_ bastard. >He swung the sharp end down and I merely jumped out of the way. He fired a few bullets into my arm. The air now smelled of fresh gun powder, and black dust swirled around the ceiling in circles. He raised his gun blade up. SELPHIE: I claim-a this land-a for Spain! CLOUD: Much as I hate to admit it, "gun blade" does sound dirty... MATT: Hee hee. It raised up. Hee hee. >"Thunder!" I shouted a sent a lightning bolt flying at the sword. It acted as a perfect lighting rod, and Seifer dropped his gun blade. (All the men wince.) >I stepped on the hilt. (All the men scream.) >"Now get out! I'll handle you later," I shouted at Seifer. Seifer shrugged and ran out the door. I kicked him over his gun blade. (All the men whimper in sympathy and curl up into the fetal position.) (Callie and Selphie look superior.) >"This won't be so easy to get passed," Seifer said with a laugh, "I always get my way," SELPHIE: Too bad he also gets writing lessons from Thinker-sama. >"Whatever!" I said slamming the door. MATT: (Valley girl) Totally! For sure! Like tscha! What a total Betty! Zell's such a Baldwin! Alec's a total Barney! CLOUD: (Same, only more threatening) I am gonna like hit you! If you don't like shut up! >I ran into Zell's bathroom and got a cool bowl of water and a wash cloth. I ran over to his side of the bed a pressed it against the side of his head. "Damn..." Zell finally choked out, "I'm going to kill him," ALL: No... >"Shh...." I scolded him, "I'm going to have to report him, you know. I'm so sorry this has happened Zell.... I should have been there," CLOUD: So, he complains about being responsible for those two, then he claims the responsibility NON-facetiously... MATT: Didn't he just get shot in the arm? >"It's all right.... Can you untie these ropes?" he said shaking his arms. CALLIE: (Alec, seductive) I could, but...why would you want me to? >"Sure," I said climbing on the bed starting on the first one. At that moment the door rattled opened, and I saw my love Squall. "Squall.... I," I began. "GET THE FUCK OFF MY BOYFRIEND!" Squall shouted brandishing his gun blade. CLOUD: YEAH! GET THE FUCK OFF HIS BOYFRIEND! PLEASE! >"W-Wha?" I said shaking my hands, CID: (Alec) nice to meet myself! >"You don't understand!" SELPHIE: Well, duh. He's probably been reading the fic. >Squall ran over and grabbed me by the collar. He slammed me against the wall and held the blade's tip to my throat. "Squall! Alec didn't...," Zell began. MATT; (Squall, menacing) oh, yes he did, didn't you Alec? And even if you didn't...you must have wanted to...very...very...badly... >But Squall was gone, far, far away. CALLIE: To the place where the elves and ponies play. SEPHIROTH: Beyond the rainbow and by the bay. CLOUD: Where all the yaoi fics have gone away. MATT: And where they make pretty things out of clay. SELPHIE: While the children all...ummm...sit in a field and...pray. CID: And I am OK and you are OK. >"Stay out, Zell... I got this one covered for you. CID: I think they covered Zell enough already! >Alec.... How could you? Rape my boyfriend? SEPHIROTH: (Alec) Squall...how could you? Talk like Shatner? >After all we did for each other... man... I should rip your throat out!" CLOUD: PLEASE?!?!?!? KEIRA: Calm down, Chocobo Head. It's almost over... >"B-But.... I," I began but Squall's eyes were like a cool fire. CID: Or a civil war. Or a jumbo shrimp. Or Microsoft Works. >"YOU DAMN ASSHOLE!" Squall said taking his gun blade away, and lunging forward with it. The blade struck me square in the chest right under the heart. I could almost hear the flesh from my lungs being ripped from the seams. Blood spurted and quickly doused the tip red. (Confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling once more. Everyone breaks out into tears of joy. The Hallelujah Chorus begins to play as the viewing party shares champagne.) >"NO!" Zell shouted, "Squall! Alec didn't do it! Seifer did!" CALLIE: (Zell) AND IT WAS MAGNIFICENT! >I fell to the floor and began to crawl away. To the door. I needed to make it to the door. Get..help... CLOUD: (Alec) Must...get...grammar...checker... >"What are you talking about! He was on the bed!" CID: And so was Zell. SEPHIROTH: Careful, Squall, your hypocrisy is showing. CALLIE: (Squall) Duhh, where? >"Smell the air!" MATT: **sniffsniff** Calgon! Take me away! >"It smells like gun powder, so?" CLOUD: It's Chanel number 8.9! >"Do you fire a gun blade in your room?" CALLIE: (Squall) We just did last night **CLONK** And this morning. **BONK** On the kitchen table. **SMACK** Ow, dammit! Cut it out, Cloud! >"No," SEPHIROTH: You get the idea that Squall's rather stupid...? SELPHIE: (shaking head) Poor kid. >"Who else has a gun blade!" SEPHIROTH: I do! CLOUD: me too! MATT: Same here! CID: Likewise! CALLIE: If this turns into a rendition of "The Full Monty", I'm leaving. >"Seifer? Why.... Oh shit! Alec!" CLOUD: (Squall) I forgot about you, tee hee! >I need to get aid. MATT: CHEF Aid! >I need to get away. >"Alec!" Squalls shouted pulling me near him. SELPHIE: (Alec) Now? With all this blood all over the place? ALL: OOOH, KINKY! >"Help.... No. Don't help, but listen," I said panting, the gun blade shivering in my body. CLOUD: ...like a bowl full of jelly. >"We need to pull the blade out! C'mon I'll take you to the nurse!" Squall said examining the blood-soiled hole in my body. MATT: (Squall) That's gonna stain SO bad! >"No. Squall I'm afraid I'm probably going to die here. Listen though. The reason I came here today was mainly because I had a confession to make. Squall, I love you. I've loved you from the first time I've laid CLOUD: Callista, don't. CALLIE: Damn. >eyes on you. CALLIE: ~ Whenever sang my sooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnngsss.... ~ SELPHIE: ~ On the stage, on my owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnn.... ~ MATT: AUGH!!! NO!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT! >I can't say you felt the same way about me, but.... I never could tell you. I thought you were straight until Zell came along. SEPHIROTH: And come he did. >Then you went out with a guy. CID: (Alec) And despite all the videotape I had of the two of you at that seedy Holiday Inn in the middle of Nebraska, I needed more. >It tore me apart, especially at the training field. I've always wanted to kiss you, or hold you. CALLIE: Or spank you. SEPHIROTH: Or fuck you hard and call you Susan. CLOUD: or tickle you until you puked. MATT: or bang you on the head with a large, heavy object. SELPHIE: Or give you a box of Pockey. CID: or jump with you on a trampoline. >Even protect you. CLOUD: (Alec) Or whatever. >I've waited an eternity without the touch of your lips, and I'm afraid... I'll have to wait an eternity more," MATT: And we have...IMPOSSIBLE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM SIGN! >"Alec..." Zell whispered from the bed. SELPHIE: (Zell, whiny) What about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? >Squall's eyes began to water, "Alec... You loved me for that long? And... now I killed you, the man you loved killed you. I am so sorry. I am so fucking sorry," CALLIE: This sounds like Matt in a bad mood. MATT: Hey! CALLIE: Only wimpier. MATT: I'm still not happy. >"Don't be. I was never intended to be a part of your destiny. Oh..." I said grabbing my chest. It would give out any second. SELPHIE: Cloud, this is your last chance. Make it a good one. CLOUD: Ahem...Suddenly, as Alec's face twisted up in pain, he screamed. It was a horrible scream, a shriek of true pain and misery. Veins stood out like malignant blue rivers on each side of his head. As Alec cried out, his lungs came loose and began beating themselves against his shattered ribcage with each breath. As they turned to a bloody grayish-pink, his ribcage finally ripped through the pale, soft skin on his chest. Finally, the screaming caused his brain to hemorrhage, and Alec lay dead without notice, a look of torture on his face, his eyes screwed up and his mouth gaping open in pain and fury, with a lovely pudding of dead lungflesh pooled in the center of his body. Zell and Squall decided that since they were vicariously the cause of this, they deserved to die. So they took the bonds Seifer had used to tie Zell to the bed and arranged makeshift nooses that they attached to the ceiling fan. Squall and Zell performed autoerotic asphyxiation on each other until, just as they were both about to climax, they simultaneously kicked the chairs they were standing on out from under each other and hung themselves. And so the fanfic ended. (Everyone looks at Cloud for a long, long moment.) (Callie claps.) (Sephiroth nods in admiration.) (Matt starts to cry.) (Selphie throws up.) (Cid looks disturbed.) SEPHIROTH: That...was beautiful, Cloud. SELPHIE: urrrrrk! **splash** CID: Hey, look out for my shoes! MATT: **sob** Make it stop... CALLIE: (Hugging Matt) It's all over now, it's okay, it's okay... >Squall put his hand on the back of my head and began to pull me forward. CALLIE: The caveman sketch, everyone! >I was actually going to kiss Squall Leonheart. ALL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!! >I was going to kiss him on the lips. Halfway there my heart started to murmur violently. I was beginning to falter and fell to the floor. ALL: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! >"No!" Squall said pulling me on to him, covering my lips with his. ALL: GROSS! >This was heaven. CALLIE: No, "...In Heaven" is a J-rock site. And might I say, it rules. SEPHIROTH: Shameless product plug. >I began to pull closer to Squall. His arms wrapped around my waist and he pushed me down onto him. SELPHIE: Gross! **gag** (Cid hurriedly hands her a bag) SEPHIROTH: I wouldn't mind this at all if Alec wasn't ripped open and bleeding all over. >"Do you see Squall?" I thought. ALL: Yes. >"These are the way things ought to be. ALL: No. >Yet, I guess you shall forever remain one of the things I'll never get. I'll never even get a second chance at life," CLOUD: As long as there isn't a sequel. >Squall began to plant feathery light kisses on my forehead. CID: Cool Whip Lite! >"Alec.... You can't die now. CID: yes he can! >We have so many more memories ahead of us. CALLIE: Matt, you can make that space-time continuum joke again, if you want. MATT: no need. It goes without saying. >Graduation, becoming SeeD together, going on more assignments..." SELPHIE: (Squall) Laughing, playing, sharing, caring... CLOUD: Sounds more like a kindergarten. >"Squall... I love you," CALLIE: Matt, I love you! MATT: I love you too! (Matt and Callie bat their eyelashes, pretend to kiss, and then "faint".) >I said collapsing onto his shoulder. SEPHIROTH: Literally. >Then the rasberry swirl of the pain MATT: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN RASPBERRIES! >dulled from rasberry to midnight blue, then to black. But for one moment it was a shining white. Whiter than any other pearl. CALLIE: Whiter than Michael Jackson's ass. >A pearl of shining wisdom and beauty. CID: Pearl FORRESTER? MATT: Shh! Not in THIS MSTing! >"Alec, just don't go to sleep on me. SELPHIE: (Squall) You'll drool on my new pants! >Stay awake and we'll get you help, don't worry. Even though your heart is weak, our will is stronger. CALLIE: ~ Give me the strength to carry on! With all our love, we can't go wrong! ~ KEIRA: There's a rule about dubbed Sailormoon songs, Callista... CALLIE: Eeeep! Sorry. >Will not let you get away from us so easily. CID: We'll get you, my pretty, and your yaoi fics, too! >Then we'll confront Seifer together. SEPHIROTH: And they'll beat him like he was their woman. CALLIE: oooh, kinky. >We'll make him pay for what he did to our lives.... We'll make him pay. CLOUD: (Zell) hello? Remember me? Blond guy strapped to the bed? Bleeding out the ass? Hello? >Right Alec?" CID: I thought Alec was only a yes man for Irvine! >Squall got no response. MATT; (operator) The moron you have dialed is out of service at this time. Please hang up and call again. thank you. >"Alec... You're just sleeping, right? You don't have to talk..." CALLIE: (Squall) Ohh, look, your head fell off...well, we'll just stick that right back on, then! Who needs a head, anyways? Heh heh. >Zell emerged from the bed, ALL: TOGGGG! CLOUD: we're gonna get sued... >"I got those ropes off," SELPHIE: that Plot Contrivance magic really works! >he said putting his arm around Squall, "He really loved you... I should of... If only there were away I could of let him belong to you for awhile," CALLIE: There is, Zell...it's called necrophilia! CLOUD: Oh, god! You are absolutely disgusting, you know that? CALLIE: Of course! >Squall began to cry harder now, big long tears of sorrow; "I killed him... His blood is on my hands. Then man who loved me, I killed... Why? Why Zell, why did it have to end this way?" CID: Because otherwise it wouldn't have been an angst fic. >Zell closed his eyes and sighed. He held Squall close to his chest, lying the body on the floor. SELPHIE: But he was already on the floor, wasn't he? MATT: No, Squall was holding him. SELPHIE: (disappointed) Ohhh... >"We'll never know... Maybe Alec knew more than the rest of us... But, his dorm, what is going to happen to him and his dorm? CALLIE: Who knows? SEPHIROTH: Who cares? CLOUD: Who would want to check? MATT: Who gives a shit? SELPHIE: Who would have known either way? CID: Who wants pie? ALL: I do! >He never mentioned any family," MATT: (Zell) Well, except the Manson family... >"We will leave the dorm the way it is... He would like it like that, I know he would. It will be a reminder to all students, just how noble he was..." CLOUD: What? And let all that perfectly good ramen go to waste? >"That's a great idea, Squall.... We'll tell Quistis, let's go." CID: It's just, like... MATT: So stupid? CID: yes. >"Hold me Zell, make this nightmare go away," "I'm sorry Squall... Let's go..." "Zell?" "Yes, Squall?" "I love you," CALLIE: SEPHIROTH, I LOVE YOU! SEPHIROTH: CLOUD, I LOVE YOU! CLOUD: I DON'T LOVE ANY OF YOU! MATT: CALLIE, I LOVE YOU! CID: SHINRA NUMBER 26, I LOVE YOU! SELPHIE: I AM NOT GOING TO BE PART OF THIS CONVERSATION! >"I love you too," CLOUD: (weakly) Mommy. >For some strange reason, Alec was cut out of the final released version of Final Fantasy 8. SELPHIE: Thank the fairies. SEPHIROTH: Ooooooh... SELPHIE: Not that kind! SEPHIROTH: But it fits so well here, doesn't it? SELPHIE: Yep. >I guess they believed he would bring too much contraversy for the game. CLOUD: Or stupidity. >They forgot one thing though. CALLIE: The built-in disco function? SEPHIROTH: To ask Gackt Camui for the rights to use his facial features as Squall's? CLOUD: To give Zell and Selphie their Ritalin? SELPHIE: Hey! MATT: To party like it was 1999? SELPHIE: To make it as good as FF7? CID: To re-write the whole script in Sanskrit? >Squall's neighboring dorm is left empty in the actual game. SELPHIE: Well, his neighbor coulda been out... >A reminder on how Alec stayed with Squall right up to the last hour. SEPHIROTH: Not exactly. >Fin ALL: THANK YOU! >Thanks to the inspirational, haunting lyrics of: Sinead O'Connor, Enya, Tori Amos, and Clannad CLOUD: may you all rot in hell. >And all producers at Squaresoft for making such wonderful characters, for us to spawn off of. CALLIE: Don't tempt me. (Everyone except her and Matt screams) >Thanks to those reading this (and not reading this) This was my first attempt at yaoi, hope ya'll enjoyed CLOUD: Like a fork in the eyeball. Don't do it again. >and I'll see you again later. ALL: DIE!