>"The Things I'll Never Get" 

CALLIE: How someone can take a basically good premise...
SEPHIROTH: ...ruin it with a load of bad grammar...
CLOUD: ...while making all the characters OOC...
MATT: ...and being totally unintelligible!

>File:04 Vox
written by Ravenna 

CALLIE: Shrieked at by Callista.


>I wake up to pain.

CALLIE: ~ Wake up and talk to me; it's a long time since last night...~ 
SELPHIE: Now, who's gonna get THAT?
CALLIE: There has to be a Veruca Salt fan out there SOMEWHERE!

>The pain of pure madness, and despair. 

CLOUD: The heartbreak of psoriasis...

>The pain and panic of having a lover snatched away by a spiky haired 
blonde with a cute ass. 

CALLIE: Sounds like a good trade-off to me...
::leers at Cid and Cloud::

>Even so, it hurts like hell. And to see it in front of me, it is 
like salt in a fresh blood sore. 

CID: What's a 'blood sore'?
MATT: A bloody sore, I...guess.

>I wonder if this how Marcel Brothel felt?

SEPHIROTH: Well, I know one thing: if my last name was Brothel, I'd 
be gay, too.
MATT: Stupid mimes!
CALLIE: that's Marcel MARCEAU.

>So I ran faster But it caught me here Yes my loyalties turned Like 
my ankle
In the seventh grade Running after BILLY Running after the rain
These precious things Let them bleed Let them wash away These 
precious things
Let them break their hold over me He said you're really an ugly girl
But I like the way you play And I died But I thanked him
Can you believe that sick sick holding on to his picture Dressing up 
every day
I wanna smash the faces Of those beautiful BOYS Those christian boys
So you can make me cum that doesn't make you JESUS These precious 
things
Let them bleed Let them wash away These precious things
Let them break their hold over me I remember 
No one dared No one cared To tell me where Those demigods where
With their NINE-INCH nails and little fascist 
Let them bleed Let them wash away These precious things Let them break 
Let them wash away These these precious things Let them bleed now
Let them wash away These these precious things Let them break their 
hold over me
Precious Precious
~Tori Amos

MATT: Dude. Someone needs Midol in the worst way...

>The halls of my once admirable GARDEN seem endless. I guess when you 
vomit up half your blood stream it can take hell and more out of you. 

CLOUD: Uh, I guess...
SELPHIE: And MORE?

>Zell and Squall have (skipped and frolicked like two virgin lovers) 

ALL; That's debatable!

>walked to class a little while ago. I know I must be late because 
these halls, these walls, 

MATT: These hall, these walls!
CID: And yaoi with Squall!
SEPHIROTH: (makes buzzer noises) LAME!

>are abandoned like on a school holiday. I turn the corner to my 
classroom closing my eyes.

SEPHIROTH: ...and smack into the wall.
CALLIE: (Alec) Shit! Not again!

>"Alec?" Quistis asked me as soon as I got to the training room,

CID: (Alec) You were expecting Ronald Regan?

>"Are you all right? You look more pallid than usual,"

CALLIE: (Quistis) Duhh, I made a funny.

>I manage a weak smile (not like the ones I could give to Squall on a 
daily basis) 

CLOUD: There goes Fang Boy again.

>and simply add, "Yeah. I didn't sleep that well though," 

SELPHIE: (Alec) I had this horrible dream I was the main character in 
the world's worst yaoi fic!
SEPHIROTH: (Alec) Worse, I dreamed two teenage girls, a hero, a 
former psycho who's supposedly dead, a boy who thinks he's Motoko 
Kusanagi, and a foulmouthed pilot were making fun of me!

>"Oh...," she comforts, 

MATT: Oh yeah, that was real comforting. Yep, I bet Alec just felt 
DANDY after she said that.

>"Well, we are training today, so I would expect you to stay at top 
condition," 
"Yes, I know...," I say stretching out my arms, "I'll try my best 
today, regardless," 

SEPHIROTH: INTENSE...STUPID...STUPIDITY!
CID: You're the poster child for it.
SEPHIROTH: Bite me hard.
CID: No thanks, I'm not into bestiality.
CALLIE: Enough, you two.

>"We'll see....," she added walking away. 

CALLIE: (Quistis, muttering) Shmuck.
SEPHIROTH: (same) Moron.
CLOUD: (same) Numbnuts
MATT: (ditto) Retardo monkey.
CID: (same) Putz
SELPHIE: (same) Fudge-packer.

>Amidst the normal clash of metal and heat I felt myself being more 
lethargic and in pain than usual. 

CALLIE: Yeah, metal shop can do that to a person.

>Squall and Zell pay no heed to me anyway, so it was not like looking 
for sympathy anyway. 

CLOUD: Wow. That made no sense...

>As their gaze grew more intense, so did the pain. The damn black 
raspberry swirl of the pain. 

MATT: DAMN THOSE RASPBERRIES!

>I was mainly surprised at no one noticing them looking at each other 
all love like. 

CID: I was mainly surprised at no one noticing this person's lack of 
basic English skills when they posted it.
SEPHIROTH: I was mainly surprised at how Shera put up with Cid all 
those years despite his bad temper and low sperm count.
CID: OKAY, HAPPY BOY! (Cid jumps on top of his seat and brandishes 
the Venus Gospel) You're goin' down! I'm gonna smack that pretty face 
of yours until you look like Janet Reno!
CALLIE: NOT THE FACE! (she throws herself on top of Sephiroth and 
hugs him protectively.)
MATT: Cid, just sit down.
CID: Rassin' frassin'...(he sits down, muttering)

>"That's all from you two," Quistis said breaking up a group of male 
fighters, 

SELPHIE: (Quistis) Don't call us, we'll call you.

>"You both did great. The next group I would like to hear from is.....," she flipped around in a clipboard nervously. 

CALLIE: HANSON!
CLOUD: Why would she be nervous?

>"Zell Dincht and...... why you Alec. 

SELPHIE: Why Alec? WHY US?

>We'll just change that...," 

MATT: Into a toad!

>"What?" I said, "What do you mean?" 

>"If you think your to weak to train.....," 

SELPHIE: TRAAAIIINNNNSSS?????
(Sephiroth waves his hand up and down in front of Selphie's face.)
CLOUD: I think we lost her...
SELPHIE: Shut up!

>said Quistis, "I can pair up Mr. Dincht with another student....," 

MATT; Then, won't Squall be jealous?

>"No. I'll be fine," I comment quickly and test out my arms. 

CALLIE: ...until Alec's arms fell out of his arm sockets and rolled 
under the couch. Then Squall had a heart attack and died from shock. 
It was very very sad. The end.

> TThey seem to function correctly. 
 
SEPHIROTH: (Sarcastically) Oh, I am SO happy to hear that.

>Then it's time for both legs. They too seem equally responsive. 
My back agrees with a crink or two. 

CID: My stomach heaves with every line or two.

>My breathing seems a little irregular, but that's normal. I step on 
the battlefield and watch Zell get up off his knees and whisper 
(seductive comments) a few words to Squall. 

CLOUD: Why does she keep DOING that?

>Squall gives me a worried glance and nods slowly. 

CALLIE: (Squall, whispering) I don't know, Zell, it might be a little 
hard having a threesome with Alec. He tends to cling to me.

>Zell finally approaches me and comments, "Are you sure man? Cause I 
don't think you're up to it," 

SELPHIE: (Grahf) Dost thou desire the power?

>"How about you?" I say coldly, "Are you sure your not to tired. 
After all, I heard you didn't get a wink of sleep last night," 

CLOUD: Yeah, those all-night Parcheesi games can really get to ya!

>His flushes up, "Nah, man.... I'm fine. But, I mean.... c'mon," 

CALLIE: (Zell) ...my face.
CLOUD: Gross!
CID: I agree, that was in ^^&(ing poor taste.
(Everyone stares at Cid.)
CID: Oh, nevermind.

>"I will be perfectly able for this training assignment," I say 
almost, as if to say, I was programmed, 

SELPHIE: As if to say that as if to say I was programmed, as if to say.
Sephiroth: (Alec, Borg.) Resistance is futile. The yaoi will not stop.

>"I'll go easy on you, if that's what your trying to get at....," 

CALLIE: (Zell) Actually, I'm trying to get at your...
CLOUD: Callista...
CALLIE: ...Pokemon card collection. What?
CID: You already used the "Pokemon card collection" excuse.
CALLIE: Really? Damn! (Flips through "Hentai-Remark-Save" notecards.) 
Ummm...the devil made me do it?
CLOUD: **sigh**

>He manages a small frown, 

SELPHIE: As well as a McDonald's.

>"Nah... That's not what I mean..... but all right. If I fight you 
want, I fight you shall get," 

CALLIE: IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, I SHALL PUNISH YOU! 

>I ready my staff in fury. 

CLOUD: Aeris?
CALLIE: No, that would be, 'I readied my staff in confusion and stupidity".
CLOUD: Meanie.

>Revenge. Revenge, sweet never-faltering revenge. 

MATT: Does it tastes like damned raspberries?

>Maybe I'll make him pay for all that pain I've suffered. 

SEPHIROTH; (Alec) Will that be cash, check, or credit card?

>I'll show Squall that I'm not as weak and gracious as he thought me 
to be. 

CID: Oh, yeah. You're a regular Stone Cold.

>I'll beat Zell, and maybe he'll finally admire me. Perhaps, even 
love me..... 

SELPHIE: (Squall) Oh, Alec, you beat up the love of my life! You're 
my hero!

>"All right!" shouted Quistis from her teaching corner, 

CALLIE: (Quistis) Who wrote "Instructor Trepe blows goats" on the 
Garden webpage?
SELPHIE: I swear to the fairies it was Irvine!
(Everyone looks at Selphie oddly.)
SELPHIE: Uhhh...you guys didn't hear that.

>"You will be given ten minutes against the other person. As you all 
know, you will be given a power crystal that should be placed on your 
chest. 

MATT: (Quistis) You could also place it on your crotch, but I 
wouldn't recommend it.

>The first person to break a power crystal will be the winner of the 
training and will gain extra points. If the time limit runs out, the 
match will be stalemate. If this happens no points will be awarded. 
It is imperative that you each try your best," 

CLOUD: Well, whoop-de-freaking-doo.

>She handed the jewels to a boy junior class. The boy ran over and 
gave Zell his crystal, adding in a good luck. He then sprinted over 
to me handing me a crystal. His face nearly wrenched when he made 
brisk contact with my hand and ran back. 

SELPHIE: Who here would freak if he or she had to touch Alec the 
Wonder Pansy?
(All raise hands.)

>"Great," I thought, "That's one more person against me. Maybe it's 
true. Some have a knack for sensing sickness,"

CALLIE: Must be sickness of the mind.
SEPHIROTH: How could being sick turn someone against you?
CLOUD: Maybe he read the fanfic.

>"All right. Let's have a fair match. 

CID: (Quistis) That means no biting below the belt this time, Alec!
CLOUD: CIIID!

>Begin!" 

>Zell readied his brass knuckles and begin to launch a weak punch at 
me. I dodged the punch and rammed the but of my staff into his 
stomach. Cheap first shot. He began to hunch over, from either 
surprise or pain. 

CALLIE: Why didn't Alec just smash the crystal with his staff, if 
Zell was just sissy-slapping him?
SEPHIROTH: Umm...yes?

>"My, my, my Zell," I taunted, "This is hardly what I expected," 

CLOUD: (Alec) I thought you were a man!
ALL: Cloud???
CLOUD: (shrugging) I'm sick of trying to keep it clean.


>That ought to get the ball rolling a little. 

CALLIE: Balls have been rolling for a while...

>I know Zell as well as I know all hot headed people. 

SEPHIROTH: In the Biblical sense?

>One or two taunts, and it will get his flame going. 

(All hold up lighters and start headbanging.)

>"You.....," he grunted. Then he started in with the pummels. 

SEPHIROTH: (Alec) Ohh, ZELL! Do it AGAIN but HARDER!

>I threw up my staff to block everything he threw at me. I grunted my 
teeth; I couldn't keep blocking like this, or the time would run out. 
I leaped back and cast a weak fire spell from inside my staff. 

SELPHIE: As opposed to using magic?

>It seem to keep him off me just for the moment. I followed up the 
fire spell with a ram which hit him square in the jaw. He fell back 
and grabbed his face in pain on the floor. His gem shined brightly, 
like some constant reminding medallion. I would need to make the next 
hit count. I raised my staff and prepared to lower it down on him 
like some housewife defending herself from a burglar for the first 
time. 

CID: (Alec, housewife) EEK! A RAT! KILL IT KILL IT!

>"Wait! Alec, stop!!!" shouted a voice. 

I turned to the direction of the voice but saw no one. By the time I 
turned back there was Squall embracing Zell checking out his wound. 

CALLIE: Oh, what the HELL?
SEPHIROTH: I won't even begin to fathom it.
CLOUD: This fic sucks like Ratliff and Oscar's illegitimate child's 
kindergarten creative writing piece.
MATT: And it's boring, too!
CID: And what wound? I thought Alec was just PREPARING to smash the 
little freak!
SELPHIE: Poor Squall. Poor Zell.
ALL: Poor us!

>"Please.... Let him get up first anyway," 

"Squall!" yelled Quistis, "You know you can't disturb a training 
match," 

SELPHIE: But...but...but...WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
MATT: (checking notes) umm...Zell did something wussy, Alec hit him, 
Zell got mad and started hitting Alec, Alec cast a fire spell, he 
PREPARED to smash him with the staff, and Squall mysteriously 
appeared in Zell's arms, whining.
(Dead silence.)
CID: SHIT!

>The students gaped at him with awe. 

MATT: (student) That's the worst case of genital herpes I've ever SEEN!

>"Yes Instructor Trepe.... I know," Squall said looking down, "But.... I needed to give Zell a fair chance,"

SEPHIROTH: He HAD a fair chance, dammit! He just fell down and 
started whimpering! 

>Squall got up walking back to his spot not even making eye contact 
with me. It hurt. It hurt like hell. He protected the man I wanted to 
prostrate with revenge. 

CALLIE: WHAT does he want to do with his prostate?

>He never once protected me in his life. 

ALL: WHY SHOULD HE?

>And once again the tears threatened to well up in my copper eyes; 

SELPHIE: Dammit, they're starting with the eye thing again!

>eyes I so hoped to gaze lovingly with Squall, my one true love. Eyes 
that promised to be protective of my love. What was protection 
anyway? He only took pity on me time from time... nothing else. 

ALL: WHAT ELSE SHOULD HE TAKE?

>"Squall.... That's all right, I can beat this shit fuck on my own....," Zell said angrily. 

CALLIE: Oh, god! Zell's going to have sex with Mr. Hankey?
MATT: (Mr. Hankey) Hoooooooowdy hoooooooooooooo!

>Shit fuck. A godamn shit fuck. 

SELPHIE: Ya just can't buy good hookers these days.

>That's all I really was anyway. 

CLOUD: Sometimes, I like to sit back and wonder why the hell people 
try to have internal monologues when they have the IQs of grapefruit.

>Of course, Squall seemed to agree whole heartilly as well. 

SEPHIROTH: No, the whole Heartilly was lucky enough to get out at the 
beginning of the fic.

>My heart seemed to throb in un-relenquished pain, pain Zell was sure 
to return to me. Me, another supposed heterosexual student, wearing a 
heavy black frayed coat that seemed to devour his body. A student 
that would let anyone walk all over him. 

CID: Where is this stuff COMING from? 
CALLIE: I agree. These people need to go through Pamprin by the 
truckload.

>"I...I...," I began to choke out. 

MATT; ~I...I...I'm...hooked on a feeling...~

>What the hell do I wanna say? Sorry? Fuck you? Anything. 

CALLIE: (Alec) Tsuki ni kawatte, oshiokiyo!
SEPHIROTH: (same) Orooooo?
CLOUD: (same) Hell no, we won't go!
MATT: (same) My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. 
Prepare to die.
SELPHIE: (yep, Alec again) Bounty: the quilted quicker-picker-upper!
CID: (You guessed it...) Kame-ha-me-ha!

>Zell got up and began to increase on me with increasing fury. 

CLOUD: Increasingly.

>"Let him," my mind said, "Let him,"

ALL: (chanting) LET HIM! LET HIM! LET HIM!

>He punched in from side to side, expecting me to block. His blue 
eyes seemed to gleam with happiness and surprise as the knuckles 
contacted with my flesh. Again, and again I witnessed the fists pound 
on my sides. 

CALLIE: God. I have an idea Zell is not that sick.
SELPHIE: Zell wouldn't do mean things! Zell's, like, really nice!
SEPHIROTH: If we had popcorn, I would throw it at you two.

>"This pain couldn't possibly feel worse than the pain last night. 
And I'm not talking about that little blood gravy you shed either. 
You know, the nasty. Squall and Zell. Doing the thing...," my mind 
began to replay. 

SEPHIROTH: The Naked Two-Step. The Horizontal Cha-Cha. The Grand Dance.
 The Original Sin. Windsailing on Mount Baldy.

>Now he was building up speed and power, fastening his blows to my 
gut and waist. 
"No....," I murmured for a second. 
Zell then followed by a sharp uppercut to my chin and then brought 
his leg around; bringing his heel down on my shoulder. Bright 
speckles of a saliva and blood flew out of my mouth sparkling the 
tile flooring like a diamond mashed into bits. I staggered back a 
little. 

CID: (Alec) Duh...

>"Now," Zell said running his fist into the other hand, "I'll show 
you how it's done, man," He summoned a thunder he had saved up. 
A bright swirling bolt hit me directly in the solar plexus. I fell 
backwards grabbing at my chest, while my breath got more faint. Pain. 
This was something I found myself all the more comfortable with at 
time. Pain... 

SELPHIE: If he LIKES it so goddamn much, why does he always complain 
about it?

>"Squall did come to Zells rescue," I thought, "What makes me think 
he wouldn't do the same for me? After all, friends and friends are 
alike,"

MATT: But...but...but he was just saying how...Squall...
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!
CLOUD: Let it go. Serenity Now.

>When I looked up I experienced a moment worse than death. Instead of 
running to my rescue like I had hoped, he was there shouting to Zell. 
Routing him on. 

SEPHIROTH; (Squall) take Interstate 89, and for god's sake don't 
forget to look for a rest stop!

>"Go on Zell!" Squall said energetically, "Beat him! Go Zell!" 

ALL: (chanting, hysterical with anticipation) GO ZELL! GO ZELL! GO 
ZELL! GO ZELL!
KEIRA: All right, all right, you five settle down in there!

>"Oh god no," I continued to think, "No. No. No. He is my friend. He 
loves me. He loves me and he wanted me to be protected. I know so, 
Zell knows so, and he knows so. I.... I....," 

CID: Ooh man, this guy has issues.
MATT; And we're gonna pay.
CALLIE: Offspring.  Thank you.

>I heard a sound that was not very unlike a straw scraping the bottom 
of a glass. 


CLOUD: But was it...a sound so strong as to hook a fighting carp?

>I was not to startled to find out, it was my breathing. Zell had 
taken a black spike and had punctured wide holes in my heart and lungs. 

SELPHIE: Ummm...I don't think so. And Thunder spells really aren't a 
lot to worry about.

>Everything was spilling out for everyone to see, and they picked up 
like snobs touching a napkin that was minutely dirty. 

CLOUD: (Butler, English) Very good, sir.

>"Get out," my mind told me, "Get out of the room now!"

MATT: (Alec) What? And leave behind my pancreas?

>"But.... But.... I haven't won!" I thought, "I can't leave without 
breaking the crystal,"

CID: (Alec) Which I could have done at the beginning of the fight, 
instead of whining.

>"Oh...," my mind's voice said, "Is that all? Well, break the damn 
thing already! 

ALL: THANK YOU!

>Hurry, Alec before it breaks you!" 

SEPHIROTH: Yeah, that'll happen.
SELPHIE: And the Bills will win the Superbowl.

>"Break..., break it? But... I need to prove to Squall I am strong 
like Zell, and anyone else... then he'll love me," 

CALLIE: THEN PROVE IT! Break the motherfucking crystal already!

>"Get out, get out, get out!" 

CALLIE: Foo Fighters!
MATT; Don't start...

>"C'mon Alec! Get up already!" Zell said taunting. 

CID: (Zell) Stop bleeding all over my new shorts, dammit!

>Without thinking I got to my feet and held up my staff, bringing it 
down in a position very similar to an amateaur trying to commit 
suicide with a butcher knife. "Wha?" Zell shouted surprised. 

SELPHIE: (Zell) What? I'm in a crappy fanfic!
SEPHIROTH; Cliché fanfic line #787898989: character realizes s/he is 
in a crappy fanfic.

>I brought the staff forward and with a quick recoil; I smashed the 
gem with the butt of my staff. Shards of green smoked tinted glass 
scattered on the floor like wild fire. 

CLOUD: (Ravenna) Except, it was green. Instead of red. Tee hee. 
I'm original!

>Within moments there was no trace of the gem ever lying on my chest 

CID: Wait, he smashed his own gem? Good job, dickhead.

>and the room around me swirled around with acquisitions. 

MATT: Of what kind?
CALLIE: He found his Pokemon cards...?
CLOUD: I swear, if you say 'Pokemon Cards" one more time...

>Among them was Squall, the man I loved since I first laid my copper 
eyes upon. 

SELPHIE: He probably didn't like those goddamn eyeballs all over him.

>The man that I had promised to love for ever. The man who now loves 
Zell, who eyes are fixated on me as well. I turned and ran out of the 
room, the colors around me almost seeming to drip away. 

MATT: (Alec, stoned) This is some good shit, man.

>"Real smart, Alec," my mind piped up, "Where the hell are ya gonna 
go anyway?" 

CALLIE: To hell, hopefully, where this fic belongs.

>"My dorm," I replied to no one but myself. 

"Why are you going there? What is it going to accomplish?" 

CLOUD: (Alec) I can commit hara-kiri; is that good enough for you?

>"I'm going to commit suicide," I thought, "Then I'll never have to 
feel the pain again. Never have to feel it in my heart or elsewhere," 

CID: Especially in the crotch.
MATT: Yeah, no more raspberries for Alec.

>The room to my dorm slammed behind me; I angrily locked it. 

SEPHIROTH: This entire fanfic revolves around a room.
CALLIE: And Japanese food.
CLOUD: And Squall.
MATT: And raspberry swirls.
SELPHIE: And copper eyes.
CID: Damn angst fics...

>"Stop it, Alec-stop giving yourself the horrors. Don't you have 
enough to worry about without thinking of death?"

SEPHIROTH: (Alec) Oh, ho-hum, got nothing better to do, think I'll 
contemplate my untimely demise...

>"No. Death has already come to me, I'm ready for any embrace! Even 
death's! 

SELPHIE: Even Cher's!

>I will stay locked up, dead in this room forever. No one even has to 
know!" 

CLOUD: Oh, yeah, that's it, buddy. At a school where people are 
constantly coming  INTO your stupid room, no one will ever know 
you're dead? Uh...huh.

>"Eventually someone will find you, Alec, but it might take a long 
time. 

SELPHIE: All of ten minutes.

>But sooner or later people will start looking for you. It'll 
probably be Squall or Zell who get the wheels turning, don't you think?
 I mean, there are a couple students you call friends, but you've 
never let them inside your life, have you?

MATT: (Alec's voice) You never told them about the orgy in the 
gigantic vat of lip balm, did you?

>Acquaintances is really all they are, students to have lunch and 
swap information with. None of them are going to worry if you drop 
out of sight for a week or ten days. But Squall will be curious, and 
when you don't show up by Friday afternoon, I think he'll go asking 
around. Yes, that's they way it probably will start, but I think it 
will be the caretaker who actually discovers your body, don't you? I 
bet he'll turn his face away while he's throwing a black bag over you, 
Alec. He won't want to see your fingers and legs stick out as stiff 
as pencils and white as candles. He won't want to look at your frozen 
mouth, or the foam long since dried to scales on your lips. Most of 
all he won't want to look at the expression of sadness and pain in 
your eyes, so he'll shift his own eyes to the side while he covers 
you up," 

**dead silence**
CALLIE: (in a tone of wonder) That...that...
MATT: That was actually...good...
(Sephiroth starts shaking.)

>"No more...please, no more," I shouted to nothing. 

CID: No more fanfic! PLEASE!

>But the voice continue to mock and plead. 

"He'll call the nurse and some undercover workers, even Squall and 
Zell will come. They'll all stand around you smoking cigars, 

CALLIE: (Worker) So, whadda ya think of them Yankees?

>and when the coroner pulls off the bag, they'll wince. 

CID: (worker) Daah! That is one UGLY guy!

>Yes-I think even the most hardened of them all will wince a little, 
and some may even leave the room for awhile. Their buddies will razz 
them about it later. 

MATT: (worker, taunting) Ha-ha, you didn't want to look at a dead 
ugly guy! NYAAAH! Chicken!
SELPHIE: (Worker, whining) Waaaaaah!

>And the ones who stay will nod and tell each other that they guy 
died hard.

SEPHIROTH: Of course he died "hard". Everyone in this stupid fanfic 
has been "hard" from the word go.

>"You only have to look at him to see that," they'll say, 

MATT: Yes, erections tend to be a bit difficult to disguise.
CLOUD: Especially when rigor mortis sets in.
CALLIE: Gross, Cloud.
CLOUD: Thank you.

>But they won't know the half of it. They won't know that the real 
reason your eyes are staring and your mouth is frozen in a whimper is 
because of what you felt at the end. 

CID: (Alec, dying) And so I take my last breath...
CALLIE: (TV, Announcer) And so the winner of our grand prize-the 
Chippendales Oil Rubdown and Win A Million Dollars Sweepstakes-is 
ALEC, OF BALAMB GARDEN!
CID: (Alec) Oh shii--! (makes obscene dying noises)
CLOUD: That does sound truly painful.  Except the oil rubdown part. 
I wouldn't mind missing out on that.
(Callie and Selphie look at each other and giggle)

>What you saw coming for you in the dark. 

SEPHIROTH: Bunnicula!

>Squall may not of been your first lover, but death will. He'll come. 
And he'll take you,"

CALLIE: No, death will CLAIM him!

>"If you don't stop right now...," I began intending to interrupt the 
voice. 

MATT: (Alec) I'm going to give you such a PINCH!

>"They'll take you to the nurses office and she will cut out you open 
so that they can inventory your guts. 

SELPHIE: (nurse) Two kidneys...two lungs...one large intestine...

>That's the rule in cases of unattended or questionable death, and 
yours is going to be both.

ALL: HUH???

She'll have a peak at what's left of your last meal-some ramen and 
digested tea powder, you know that's awful Alec!

CID: What's so goddamn awful about tea?
CLOUD: (Hurriedly) Nothing, Cid, not a thing.

>-and take a little section of your heart under her microscope, and 
she'll call it death by...,"

CALLIE: ...chocolate!

>"Stop right now!" I shouted slamming my head hard on the floor. 

SELPHIE: Ahh, he got my secret telepathic messages!

>Big mistake. I was knocked cold from pain, and death for that matter. 

ALL: AND SO ARE WE!

>End Of 0:4 Vox. 

CLOUD: Vox. The new album from Sinead O'Connor. Contains such hits as 
"I Look Like A Q-Ball" and "Let Me Whine A Lot".

>Next 0:5 The Last Days of Our Acquaintance

ALL: YOU PROMISE???

[EXIT SOL: 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1]