AUTHOR'S NOTE: Poor kid. She doesn't get the necessary realization of her NON-talent. She makes Thinker look like Shakespeare. LEGALITIES: Cloud and Seph are Square's, the fic is Satan's and/or Ravenna or Cleo Safari Jane's, Matt is himself, Keira and Callie belong to me and the show is Best Brain's. >"The Things I'll Never Get" CALLIE: Why tomatoes are considered fruit? SEPHIROTH: What's that lettuce-y stuff in sushi? CLOUD: What's the point of Chocobos really? MATT: Why is my cat so dumb? >File:02 MATT: Vomit. >Realization written by Ravenna CLOUD: Ravenna? SEPHIROTH: Cleo Safari Jane's OTHER evil alter ego. >Dear Reader: CALLIE: Dear Abby: there are elves in my shorts, my wife left me, I've lost all my body hair, and I got kicked out of the Earth, Wind, and Fire fan club. What should I do? MATT: (Dear Abby) The Limbo! > I apologize for having so many grammatical errors in the first one! CLOUD: YOU'RE NOT FORGIVEN! >That's what I get for not rereading and rereading my work. MATT: A smack in the face, that's what it'll get you. >I promise this one will smooth out much better than the last. CALLIE: I prefer peanut butter to be chunky. KEIRA'S VOICE: (via loudspeaker) Speaking of spreadable stuff, I think this part is vaguely lemon-scented. ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! > As always (if you didn't already know) CLOUD: this fanfic is hell on earth and should be destroyed. MATT: (gesturing) Hell OFF earth, ya mean. >this is yaoi or m/m content. SEPHIROTH: Yaoi is less than or equal to a pack of M&Ms. Put in standard form. Graph and check. CALLIE: AUGH! MATH! (She smacks Sephiroth with a hair dryer) >I guess that happens when you spend so much time with a person, you attach yourself to them, and are not able to let go. MATT: (making ripping noise) Stupid Velcro! > Maybe that is why we all have so much problems with people... CALLIE: She's right, you guys! We should ignore how stupid people are and keep breeding! > We all shouldn't set ourselves up to get hurt, it's actually kind of pointless when you think about it. CLOUD: Then, pray tell, how would the stupid people breed? CALLIE: Uhh...turkey basters. MATT: CALLIE! >"Afraid, but you will not run CALLIE: YES I WILL! (She jumps up and starts to run away.) KEIRA'S VOICE: Fire3! (A tube of fire appears around Callie, who shrieks in pain and comes out nicely done.) KEIRA: (cackling) Extra crispy! MWAHAHAHAHEEHEEHEE! (Callie crawls, steaming, back to her seat.) SEPHIROTH: Callie, are you okay?! CALLIE; I smell like a barbecue, but...yeah. Just let me at it! >Alone, thy will be done ALL: (monotonous) Give us this day our daily bread. CALLIE: You guys, it's a song! We better all is-iiiiiii-iiiiiiiinnnng! CLOUD: (muttering) Callista: C-ko's long-lost identical twin sister? >confessed, but you still feel the shame SEPHIROTH: (singing) ~If it's lonely where you are come back down, and I won't tell them your naaaaaaaaame...~ >Bring me into your arms again CLOUD: ~ Yes! We have no bananas! ~ >touch these eyes with a broken smile CALLIE: (Janet Weiss)~ Touch-a touch-a touch me! I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night!!!~ >touch my mouth with your furrowed brow MATT: ~ Pokemon! Gotta catch 'em all! ~ >with my heart feel my shame SEPHIROTH: ~ Close your eyes, give me your hand...do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? ~ >Lead me into rest again CLOUD: ~I think we're alone now...there doesn't seem to be anyone around...~ >The night is long,but the day will come CALLIE: ~ Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know...that something wasn't right, nooooo? ~ >with promises were the chosen one MATT: ~ We're all stars now...in the dope show... ~ >Soak the sea SEPHIROTH: ~ It's freezing in Bristol...there's love on the telly... a girl grinning at me...she's doing the shimmy... ~ CALLIE: No one's gonna get that, Seph. MATT: Soak the sea...? >Sweet taste the rain CALLIE: ~ Kiss the rain...whenever you need me... ~ >fall tonight into my arms again," ALL: (finishing) ~ Well I was the one who left you, always coming back, I cannot forget you girl, now I am up in arms again! ~ CLOUD: Whew! That was fun! >~Sinead O'Connor from Heroine MATT: You'd have to be on more than heroin to put that song in a fanfic. >Daylight breaks through my window, (All make crashing sounds) >meaning only one thing. CALLIE: (Alec) Damn paperboy! > I rise out of bed and begin to prepare tea and rice CLOUD: This guy has a one-track mind. MATT: Three tracks: Squall, Japanese food, and breaking the fourth wall. (All look back at the fourth wall, which has been fixed and titanium- reinforced.) >(the cafeteria is probably abnormally crowded even at this time of morning) SEPHIROTH: That tends to happen at breakfast time. > and stare at the sunset over the backdrop. CLOUD: (Alec) Damn cut-cost scenery! > I am still wet from last night, where I was fantasizing about Squall. SEPHIROTH: (hiding Cloud's eyes and turning away himself) Ohhh... CALLIE: EW!!! CLOUD: Sephiroth, thank you for the Yaoi Shield! MATT: Uh...OOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!! I get it now...GROSS! (Sweatdrops all around) > (as lame as it sounds, I spilled the water on my nightstand on myself) ALL: O_o;; CALLIE: If you say so...::coughcough:: LIAR ::coughcough:: > I sigh heavily from all those recollections I had last night about Squall. They were only about week ago, and Squall is still single for all I know. MATT: (sarcastically) Whaa...? 0h, NOOOO. CLOUD: You mean, he and Quistis haven't hooked up yet? >Speaking of Squall, he left about an half hour ago (to the cafeteria most likely) and met up with Zell, who, apparently was on his way to the cafeteria also. It's really amazing how SEPHIROTH: ...people tend to go to the cafeteria to eat all the time. Wow. > much a person can observe in one morning. CALLIE: If they're awake, that is. CLOUD: (wrinkles nose) LAME, Callista! CALLIE: Shut up, Clod Boy! >I was almost half tempted to go with them, but I guess I wasn't really in the mood this morning. I begin to strip off my clothing and step into my bathroom. SEPHIROTH: oh god. It's a masturbation scene, isn't it? That's what it is, isn't it? (Sephiroth starts hitting his head on the back of the seat in front of him.) CALLIE: (trying to restrain him) Calm down, Sephiroth! Just close your eyes! >I flick on the light to this primitive bathroom, so small, yet so clean and precise. MATT: how can a BATHROOM be PRECISE? CALLIE: Who knows? CLOUD: Who cares? > I've never been one hard to please, but the bathroom is so small, one of those old-fashioned sinks and stand-in-showers. I've heard stories of everyone springing a leak eventually, (All make "deflating balloon" noises.) > and I have to knock on wood when it comes to that remark. CLOUD: You could always use the top of Squall's head... > I press the play button on the CD player with one naked toe, (I've finally modernized my bathroom, Squall let me borrow the player) and I began to listen to an old Celtic CD I found in a shop a long time ago. (All immediately check out the fourth wall. It still stands strong and safe behind them.) SEPHIROTH: Whew. > The group was called SEPHIROTH: ...They Might Be Giants! CALLIE: ...New Kids On The Block! CLOUD: ...Strawberry Alarm Clock! MATT: ...Fine Young Cannibals! (A pause.) CALLIE: Anyone actually heard anything from these bands? ALL: Nope. >Clannad. CALLIE: Anyone ever heard anything from THIS band? SEPHIROTH: I have an awful feeling that we're about to. >I think they have the best music to meditate too. Of course it is not as loud or overbearing as Squall's tastes in music. CALLIE: Ah! So, Squall's an N*Sync fan! CLOUD: Naw, he must be into Paula Cole. CALLIE: (sarcastically) Oh, yes, he's just EVER so sensitive! CLOUD: Well, whiny would do as well. >At the thought of that name, I begin to dream of him once again. (All look at Callie, who holds up her hands and shakes her head.) CALLIE: Nope, Not gonna do it. SEPHIROTH; (Dana Carvey as George Bush) Na ga da...wouldn't be prudent... MATT: ~ singing ~ Choppin' broccoli...choppin' broccolah, choppin' broccola-hah... ~ >The water hisses through the snake like faucet, MATT: It hissed through a snake that was like a faucet? It hissed like a snake stuck IN a faucet? It hissed like a snake biting Farrah Fawcett? CALLIE: Lame! MATT: Well, excuse ME. > as I begin to do the daily rituals of cleansing as quickly as I can. Fol lol the doh, fol the day CLOUD: **pikupiku** Nani? CALLIE: As much as I'd like to riff that, it's not really fair, since technically it's making fun of another culture. (A pause.) CALLIE: Awww, screw it. >I tend to be a little more than picky on what I look like, because I'm afraid of Squall hating how I look. (It sounds dumb, I know) MATT: But...but, you ARE dumb! SEPHIROTH: Maybe he just hates the way you're always stalking him...? >He is more beautiful than I am, which I have no objections on admitting. Imtheochaidh soir is siar, A dtainig ariamh, An ghealach is an ghrian His wavy brown hair, his dark mysterious eyes, and his perfect body.... they always haunt me into looking five times better than anyone would ever permit themselves from looking. CLOUD: Uhhhhh...yes? SEPHIROTH: We have noooooooooo BANANAS! CLOUD: hey! That's MY song! SEPHIROTH: Oh, yeah? Well...TOO BAD! >Fol the day, fol the day MATT: (screaming) GO FOL YOURSELF, RAVENNA! CALLIE: Calm down, dammit! >I lean my elbows on the bathroom wall, and let the water hit my back. Usually one of the biggest make out places in stories, movies, books, and in real life, is in the shower. Personally, I never could make out in the shower, it never seemed to arouse me. Imtheochaidh an ghealach's an ghrian, An Daoine og is a chail 'na dhiadh SEPHIROTH: ...the newest allergy medication from the makers of Yhhhhgyfrdbghgghs and Sauisauyasy. >I guess I'm afraid of hitting my head on the bottom, and going unconscious or something. CALLIE: (sourly) No such luck. >Fol the day fol the day MATT: That sounds rude. >Another thing I can't stand is how likely people are to masturbate in the shower. CLOUD: I can't stand how this guy does nothing but talk to himself about masturbation. >I could never see myself or anyone else doing that. SEPHIROTH: Me neither. CLOUD: Me neither. MATT: me neither. CALLIE: I don't even want to think about it. >I don't even sing in the shower, let alone release in one. Yet, if Squall wanted to, I know I would give in. CALLIE: If Squall wanted it, Alec would shave his back and change his name to 'Arista Glimmershine". CLOUD: Ah! Such is the POWER of TRUE LOVE! SEPHIROTH: True stupidity. >(Theme from Harry's Game by Clannad) "What did you say?" I asked the blonde in front of me. CALLIE: (Blonde) I said, $15.99 for the first ten minutes and ten bucks for each additional minute! >Zell repeated in his normal boisterous tone, "I said that, me and Squall are sneaking out tonight to go to one of those new night clubs tonight. Ya wanna come with us?" MATT: (Alec) No. >I have to laugh at the proposition. SEPHIROTH: (Alec) Ha ha ha ha! Be YOUR bitch? > I'm the least likely person to go "clubing" SEPHIROTH: ...baby seals... >..... but I know what Squall is up to. He probably wants to make up for all those times I took care of him. MATT: Make out, maybe... >I almost blush at the niceness of the gesture. "Tell him I would love to," I say smiling, "I think it would be really good to check out a place like that, ah..... club," He is almost taken aback at my response. CLOUD: But not quite. Deep down in his heart of hearts, Zell knew that Alec would come if they asked. Really. MATT: What sarcasm? >"Whoa, Alec! CALLIE: (Zell) Check out the size of this guy's- CLOUD: (tossing Ultima materia up and down threateningly) You were saying? CALLIE: - Pokemon card collection. CLOUD: Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. > I thought you would of said no for sure! Squall will be glad that your coming along," SEPHIROTH: I bet there's going to be plenty of people "coming along" in this fic. (Cloud smacks Sephiroth over the head with the Ultima orb.) SEPHIROTH: Whew! CLOUD: (muttering) What a time to run out of MP! >I smile at the thought. Maybe by the end of the night I can have Squall blushing. MATT: Spray paint his face. >"I'll be ready, so just knock on my door," I say turning away from him. I rarely change out of my school uniform. CLOUD: Ooh, that must smell good. > Missions are the only time we are permitted to change into a more casual attire. I lay out myself a long black coat and a long black robe (my usual casual attire) SEPHIROTH: Redun-dun-DUN-dancy! >and begin to unbutton my school uniform. I'm hoping things will go well, after all, this is a good enough chance as any to tell Squall how I feel about him. CALLIE: Oh yeah, in a dark noisy club. CLOUD: (Alec) Squall, I'm in love with you! MATT: (Squall) What? CLOUD: (Alec) I said I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU! MATT: (Squall) What about my shoe? CLOUD: (Alec) NO NO NO! I AM VERY DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH YOU! MATT: (Squall) Sounds painful. Try some ointment. >I hear a knock on my door (or what seems like a knock) MATT: But it wasn't really a knock. It was only a tap. > and finish dressing. Zell winks and flashes ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!! > a huge smile at me through the open door. ALL: Oh. >"You ready, man?" he says nearly knocking me over with his CALLIE: Erec...tor set! CLOUD: Good save, Psycho Girl. > pride. SEPHIROTH: Pride, eh? He must be very pro-homosexuality if his gay pride is sufficient to the point of becoming a physicality. MATT: Owie! Big words! CALLIE: Matt's stupid. CLOUD: Callie's the cute one, Matt's the stupid one, Sephiroth's the smart one...what am I? (All ponder.) CALLIE: The...blond? MATT: The...ummm...guy? SEPHIROTH: My little snugglebunny? (Cloud gives Sephiroth a very frightened look.) SEPHIROTH: I'm just kidding! >"As ready as I'll ever be," I say with a small smile of satisfaction, "So, where is Squall? Still getting ready?" "Nah man," Zell says scratching the back of his head, "He had to make sure it was safe first," MATT: Yeah, sometimes Squall runs out of KY Jelly. >"Then what are we waiting for?" I ask, "The okay, or something?" SEPHIROTH: INTENSE...INTERROGATIVE...ACTION! >"Something like that," Zell says looking up, "Alec.... Can I tell you something that has been bugging me?" CALLIE: (Zell) The way people use the same fork for salad and cake! That really burns me up! >"Hmmm? Sure, what's up?" I ask a little impatiently. CLOUD: Duhh, the sky. MATT: Duhh, the ceiling. SEPHIROTH: Duhh, the opposite of down. CALLIE: Duhh, Squall's...ummm...hair. SEPHIROTH: (whispering) If Cloud threatens you again, I'll burn down his hometown and kill his mother. So go ahead and be a hentai.) (Callie nods, an evil gleam in her eyes.) >"Well," he said, "There is some one, I really am starting to..... have feelings for," MATT: Selphie! CLOUD: Laguna! SEPHIROTH: Xu! CALLIE: STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE OOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN! (Everyone gives Callie a weird look.) CALLIE: The Sailor Starlights? MATT: Shut up, darling. >"Have you told anyone? It's pretty strange for a guy like you Zell..... to have any feelings for anyone else...," MATT: Well, last time I checked, Zell was human. >"I know Alec.....," Zell said with his eyes beginning to glaze over, CALLIE: ~ You know Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer, and Vixen... ~ CLOUD: ~Comet, and Cupid, and Donder, and Blitzen...~ SEPHIROTH: ~ But do you recall...the most famous pervert of all...?~ MATT: ~ Alec, poor Squall's weird stalker, always was obsessing, yeah... ~ CALLIE: ~ And if he ever saw Squall, he would drool and be real gay...~ CLOUD: ~ All of the other hentais used to even be afraid...~ SEPHIROTH: ~They never let poor Alec download any yaoi thangs! ~ MATT: Oh, enough. > "But this time..... I'm really sure," CALLIE: (Zell) Yep, it's herpes, all right. >I give him a weak punch on the arm, "Well then go for it! C'mon Zell, I know you and your hunches. Your almost always right," SEPHIROTH: Then how come he never gets a hunch when they're about to run out of hot dogs? >"Thanks man, your the best," he said cheering up a little. "Now.... Would you care to tell me who?" I say fiendishly. CLOUD: (Alec) Because if you don't...TICKLE TORTURE TIME! >"Well..... okay.... but, you have to swear to give me your honest opinion though," I think this over and am ready to respond, when the most gorgeous man walks from down the hallway. CALLIE: Gackt Camui! (Matt moans in pain.) CLOUD: Who? MATT: This girly-looking singer she's like obsessed with. CALLIE: (screeching) GIRLY? (She kicks Matt) >"Ready to go Alec?" MATT: Go Alec yourself! CALLIE: Shut up, Mattsy. >Squall says putting his arm around my shoulders. I melt in his warmth, "Yeah......, I'm ready," SEPHIROTH: He's been 'ready' since this fic got started! I'm almost at the point of saying 'GET LAID' just so that he'll shut up! STUPID ALEC! STUPID RAVENNA! STUPID KEIRA! KEIRA'S VOICE: Monkey Attack! (Forty-seven little monkeys run up to Sephiroth and start climbing all over him. The other three shriek and run out into the aisles of the theater. Sephiroth shrieks in a way that would make Jenova very very disappointed.) KEIRA: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHEEHEEEEEEE! CALLIE: Keira! What the hell? Monkeys? KEIRA: Hey, it's an original attack, okay? Cut me some slack. CLOUD: Keira, get rid of the damn monkeys. KEIRA: Why? (Cloud takes off his pants and removes his underwear. Then he very very quickly puts them back on and throws the undies up in the air.) (They disappear in a flash of light, as do the monkeys.) KEIRA": Wow, bikini cut! Sexy!!! (All get back in the seats) SEPHIROTH: Thank you so much, Cloud! CLOUD: No prob. MATT: How did you know to do that? CLOUD: She's been wanting to see my naked ass for a LONG time. I promised to give her my underwear someday if she didn't. CALLIE: I like her more now. ^_^; >"I'll have to tell you later then Alec," Zell says with disappointment. "About what?" I ask. CALLIE: (sarcastically) Oh, what a caring soul. >I have to laugh now when I realize this is my first time in a club or bar for that fact. (All laugh hysterically) CLOUD: Oh, wait, that wasn't funny! > Squall and Zell are nearly pulling me by the ear to go here and there. Maybe they can sense I have no idea what is going on. I thought many things in here would shock me, but surprisingly they don't. People stay in a corner (which I like to refer to as the cozy corner) and talk or (shoot up some new drug) make out violently. MATT: then they run-on all their sentences together. CALLIE: (stoned) Damn, floating daisies in the yellow blueberry bucket hut! > The whole bar is extremely dim and hazy. I can barely make out the platted black leather furniture. CLOUD: ...platted? SEPHIROTH: It's the bastard child of pleated and slatted. > Some people dance crazily in their grunge clothing and their blonde and black spiked hair flies around madly. CALLIE: Come ON, grunge was over in 1994! People didn't bleach their hair then as much as they do now. Ø A whiny type of music is blaring, I think Squall called it "alternate" style music. CALLIE: (menacing) Whiny...? SEPHIROTH: Calm down, hon. >Squall leads me to a black leather ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! > stool at the bar. ALL: Oh. >He leans on the back of his..... so he can still scope out what is going on. MATT: DAMN THIS SENTENCE STRUCTURE! CLOUD: DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! SEPHIROTH: DAMN IT ALL TO THE NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL! CALLIE: WITH A CHERRY ON TOP! >Zell sits next to Squall, and to my surprise he acts a little nervous. Maybe he saw someone he knew..... yet, something tells me it is more though. SEPHIROTH: It was Alec's alien leader, who then gave Squall and Zell anal probes and incinerated them. Then he took Alec back to their home planet to have his skin ripped off of him with a cheese grater, ending the fanfic. MATT: Not bad. >Squall motions to the bar tender and he asks in an eager voice, "Alec what do you want?" CALLIE: (Alec) You, naked, tied to the bed, covered in peanut butter! CLOUD: (holding up his Ultima materia) What was that again? CALLIE: I said something having to do with KINKY SEX!!! CLOUD: okay, that's it! (He gulps down an Ether) ULTI- (Sephiroth neatly knocks Cloud halfway across the room. Cloud smashes into a far wall and falls down.) CALLIE: My hero! SEPHIROTH: He owes me for that little "Northern Cave incident" a while back. I've been just itching to smash him one. CLOUD: (staggering back to his eat, looking dazed) oooooh... MATT: Hey, you okay? CLOUD: (smiling vacantly) No Mommy, I'll do the dishes later. SEPHIROTH: Errrmmm...perhaps I hit him a little TOO hard... >I nearly fall out of my seat, (Callie falls out of her seat.) SEPHIROTH: INTENSE...DRINK-OFFERING...ACTION!!!! CLOUD: Wonderbra! A magical bacon in the making! MATT: Sephiroth! SEPHIROTH: (meekly) Sorry. >"Umm... What your having sounds nice," I say trying to cover it up, MATT: Why is he so surprised at his being asked what he wants to drink at a BAR, for God's sake? SEPHIROTH: Didn't the nice Callie tell you not to think about the plot? >"But I don't want you drinking to much, because I may start charging for room and board," I say jokingly. He laughs, "Okay, I promise," he slides me over a sparkling yellow drink. CALLIE: (Alec) Urine! Squall, how thoughtful! MATT: If being served alcohol is such a total mindblow for this putz, imagine what a glass of piss could do! >I can't stand the taste of alcohol, SEPHIROTH: Good, because you're drinking pee. CALLIE: ~ Alcohol, my permanent accessory... ~ >but apparently other people fall in love with it. SEPHIROTH: Apparently? Oooookay! CLOUD: Yesterday it was a garbage can. But the bunnies said not to use it, so I threw away the black pies. CALLIE: Okay, this is getting downright scary. >It's mesmerizing affects, it's bubbling taste in your mouth. CALLIE: Insert oral sex joke here. (Cloud starts making raspberry noises with his tongue.) >I only drink sake, or on some occasions Kirin. I down the mysterious liqour and order a light Kirin. The only one, I promise myself, I'll have tonight. I'm lost in though as a examine the actions of others, their dances, their movements. SEPHIROTH: I'm lost as to where the plot went. CLOUD: Rosebud! Greetings, welcome to Marklar! My wallet is in Trinidad and none can tell where my nostrils are! Coconut insurance! SEPHIROTH: AAAUGH!!! SHUT UP! (Sephiroth hurls Cloud against the wall again. This time Cloud lands on his feet after impact.) CLOUD: Huh? What happened? MATT: He's cured! (Cloud sits back down. Callie pats the top of his head.) CALLIE: Hentai comments good. If yell at hentai comments, Sephiroth throw Cloud against wall. Go smashy-smashy. CLOUD: I understand now. >I find myself almost knocked out by these vivid display of animated people. I turn back to Squall and Zell, who seem to have been talking. CALLIE: But they weren't really talking. They were just vocalizing while moving their lips. >The music is to loud to make out what they are saying though. Zell and Squall are talking about something (I'm dying to find out) which, I am totally uninterested in hearing about. MATT: So he was dying to find out what they were saying... CLOUD: ...even though he was totally uninterested in hearing about it. Uh...huh. SEPHIROTH: Ow, my head... (Callie sniffles.) >Then something bizarre-but not that strange happened. CALLIE: "BIZARRE" IS A LITTLE MORE SEVERE THAN STRANGE! MATT: This whole fic is bizarre. CLOUD: Not to mention stupid as hell. >I saw a tears form in Zell's blue eyes. Squall pulled him close to his chest and started to stroke his back. CALLIE: INTENSE...YAOI...ACTION!!! CLOUD: Ewwww! >In front of the dancers, the bar, the bar tender, MATT: ...the bar stools... >god, and everyone else who wanted to take a look. SEPHIROTH: Well, I, for one, did not want to take a look. >Maybe I drank to much Kirin..... but is this what it looked like? "Squall?" I ask, trying not sound angry, "I forgot something, and I think I should go. See you back at Garden," CLOUD: (Squall) Piss off! Squall be pimpin'! >I jump out of my seat and head for the door not looking back. I think he may of said (screamed) wait, MATT: Well, which one is it? >but I am prone to forget the important things. CALLIE: Like my name, and putting my pants on. >On my way out the bar tender offered my another Kirin, and I replied, "No thanks, I'll have some more when I get back," I lay on my bed naked and shivering with two bottles of Kirin on the floor beside me. SEPHIROTH: Boy, his Saturday nights really suck. >Thinking, and hoping for some kind of conclusion. Zell likes Rinoa, or maybe even Selphie. MATT: or maybe even Quistis. Or maybe even Edea. Or maybe even Irvine. CALLIE: Hey, Edea, yeah...we haven't seen much of her in here, have we? >Not Squall. There is no fucking way, Zell and I could of fallen for the same man. They have nothing in common. Squall deserves better. Squall doesn't like him, he likes me. Zell has a bad hunch. SEPHIROTH: Ravenna has bad grammar. Sephiroth has a headache from reading. >I sit up not being to focus. MATT: Stupid cheap cameras! >I stare at the wall for awhile until a door slams. The door next to mine. CALLIE: Uh-oh... >Squall's door. SEPHIROTH: Here we go... >Two voices. CLOUD: Here it comes... >A zipper. MATT: I don't get it. (A pause.) CALLIE: DAMMIT, MATT! YOU RUINED THE DRAMATIC TENSION! >The voices in my mind are taunting me now. Squall hates you. Zell loves him. Squall has fallen for Zell for a long time. You blew it. He could never of liked you. (Callie screams in pain.) (Cloud screams in nausea.) (Sephiroth screams in boredom.) (Matt screams so that he won't feel left out.) >Did I hear a scream? ALL: YES! >Agony? ALL: YES! >Passion? ALL: NO! >I lean my head to the wall and start to cry in anger. Damn it! SEPHIROTH: Damn it all to hell! You finally blew it up, you bastards! **sweatdrops all around** > How could.... I let it happen? CLOUD: INTENSE...SELF-LOATHING...ACTION! >A half an hour passes, an hour passes. CALLIE: The Energizer Bunny: it keeps going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and-- MATT: (whacking her on the back of the head) Shut up! >Did they go all the way? CLOUD: (stupid voice) Duh, I dunno. What you think? >Did they just talk? MATT: (Squall) Zell, I think Alec is stalking me. CLOUD: (Zell) Hot dogs! >Voices, now in an angry tone. MATT: (Squall) You're really a woman! CLOUD: (Zell) Well, so are you! >A door slams, and I hear sobbing in the hallway. A knock on my door. CALLIE: (British) Avon calling! SEPHIROTH: (Alec) Oooh, goody! Do you carry Shu Uemura? >I slip into a black robe and open the door. I close my eyes and try to keep my composure. CALLIE: (Alec, muttering) God damn you Jehovah's Witnesses damn you damn you all to hell... >"Zell.... Come inside," I say taking him under my wing of japanesque hospitality. CLOUD: Japanesque...? CALLIE: (Vida Boheme) Oh, you know, I always thought she was so Japanesque! MATT: Awww, who's gonna get that? >He is only wearing a tight pair of stained black briefs. CALLIE: Ooooh! What an IMAGE! (Her eyes grow all soft and dreamy) MATT: Hentai. >Of course... I know what happened, as I watch his body pulse at my table, wet from three chemicals. SEPHIROTH: This is bordering on the obscene now. CLOUD: **whimper** >One of them, I wouldn't mind having inside of me right now. MATT: Heroin? >After all, anyone could sweat and cry. CLOUD: (sarcastically) Yes, it takes a great deal of talent to get your own semen all over your own underwear. SEPHIROTH: Cloud???? CLOUD: Not that I would know or anything! SEPHIROTH: liar. >I've never seen Zell so broken up before. Squall must of said something (he has never been a master CALLIE: ...bater. CLOUD: Ew! MATT: Well, what did YOU just say? CLOUD: **sweatdrop** Oh, yeah... (Everyone else rolls their eyes.) >at words) that hurt him. I place a tea mug in front of him. "Alec? Oh... what is this?" Zell said wiping his eyes with a free arm. SEPHIROTH: It's a mug of tea. CALLIE: Thanks for clearing that up for us, Seph. >"That," I reply, "is green tea. It will make you feel worlds better, so drink it to calm yourself," I watch him drink the steaming green fluid. As he set it down on the table the green powder began to swirl on the top in their own whirlpool. SEPHIROTH: INTENSE...SWIRLING...ACTION! MATT: It's not funny anymore. SEPHIROTH: (sulking) Phooey. >"Thanks, but....," he says, "Do you have a beer or something? Drinking helps me more than tea," CALLIE: ~ 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer... ~ >"I have sake, and that, I only use on very rare occasions," I say coldly. MATT: Like an orgy. >"Oh....," he says beginning to clam up. CALLIE: (eagerly) Hey, did you guys know that they sell big cans full of clam juice at the supermarket? CLOUD: I'm very glad that I'm not in a moving vehicle right now. >_< >I sigh and get out the hot tub. I put a cup in front of him and pour it in as an offering. I want to scream at him. "You BASTARD! How dare you ask for something! I'm taking you in, and you haven't even begun to see how I feel! Sake makes you feel happy and secure. Do you ever think I get depressed?" SEPHIROTH: Meeee-owwwww! CALLIE: Get some freakin' Midol, dude! >He drinks it quickly and starts to grow calmer, ...... or so I thought until he breaks down. I go over to him and pull him into my chest as I did Squall. (All make more squishing noises.) MATT: This guy has a real fixation. >He really is not bad looking (although I never wanted him, nor could he ever hold a candle to Squall) but, the feeling is still odd. CLOUD: The feeling I get from reading this is odd. CALLIE: Torturous. >"Zell....," I say, "It will be alright, whatever it is, it will be alright," "I suppose.... you want to know what happened....," he says in a sad voice, "You have a right to know....," "(I don't want to know) Later, Zell," I say pulling away and going over to my drawer, "I'll fix you some ramen first, then you can tell me all about it," CALLIE: Remember, kiddies: instant Japanese food is the only road to true happiness! >I pull out the package of ramen (Hot and Spicy blend, I know he will like it) I bought awhile back. I usually make home made, but I too have modernized myself. Besides, I don't have time to make it from scratch. "What... is ramen?" he asks, "Never heard of it....," CLOUD: This made Alec very angry, even more so than he already was. So he pantsed Zell, threw him into the hot dog grill, and locked the door, where Zell roasted. The next morning Alec ate the whole carcass, commenting on how much better it would taste with a bottle of sake and Squall's hand on his butt. The end. (Very, VERY deep silence.) MATT: that was bordering on psychotic. >"It is soba noodles with spices and vegetables," I say ripping open the packet and examining the dry noodles and hot spices. I noticed my mouth was almost watering. (All drool down their chins.) >The door that is not to far away from Zell, opens. Squall stands there as he did that night so long ago. Shirt less, and wearing tight leather pants. I turn away from them and begin to pour hot water in the cup steadily. "Zell....," he says, "I never......," he goes over to him and wraps his arms (arms that could be for me) around Zell. (Cloud whimpers and closes his eyes.) >He cries and faces Squall, "I'm sorry, I was a bastard...... forgive me," v CALLIE: Sailor V! CLOUD: V-neck! SEPHIROTH: V for Victory! MATT: Vampire Hunter V! > "No Zell.... I was," he caresses his cheek, "I was wrong," SEPHIROTH: (Squall) I'M the girl. >A tear drops down on my cheek as they talk, the water is steadily pouring on the ramen. Filling like my emotions in a spicy contained plastic cup. ALL: (chanting) Burn yourself! Burn yourself! Burn yourself! >"Zell.... I wasn't ready for that question yet," Squall says, "I needed time to think it through....... and I have....," "You don't have to...," Zell says softly. CLOUD: (Zell) I know you love Seifer! I've always known! Just leave, you bastard! >The scalding water creeps up to the half of the cup. "But I want to, honey," Squall says with hurt in his voice. (Callie and Matt start laughing hysterically at the thought of Squall saying "But I want to, honey".) >It's almost to the brim, and it's creeping slowly. "Please.....," says Zell, "Only if you....," CALLIE: ...didn't smell so bad! SEPHIROTH: ...didn't pick your nose CLOUD: ...weren't so hairy. MATT: ...weren't an alien. >"I do Zell," he says, "That and so much more," It reaches the brim. I'm about overflow with the cup. SEPHIROTH: Pee seems to be making a huge appearance here. >"I love you, Zell, you and you only," Squall says. I hear a kissing sound. ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHH!!! >"And I love you too Squall," he says returning the kiss. ALL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW! >I've reached the top, and I scream in agony. ALL: SO ARE WE! >"Alec?" Squall says not moving, "Are you okay?" CALLIE: (Alec) Ah...uhhh...oooooh...UH! UH! AAAAAAAH!!! Ohhh...yes. MATT: That was totally tasteless. >"Fine," my mouth says in place of my heart, "I just burned myself on the ramen," I begin to taste the spicy broth as I bring the wound to my lips. CLOUD: It's considered bad manners to burn yourself in someone else's soup, Alec! >"I almost forgot about you, Alec," Zell says dazed. "I'll leave you two your peace," I say going out of the dorm-my own goddamn dorm, that has turned into some fucking psychatrists office. CALLIE: Got to agree with that, frankly. >I slump in the hallway unable to hear their voices. I cry and beat the wall. Why Squall? Why not me? Am I not good enough? I feel.... hurt. I feel.... sick. SEPHIROTH: Don't we all! >I begin to cough, not seriously at first, but then it picks up pace. I feel liquid coming down my cheeks and mouth. It feels wet, but I can't see it. It's sweat or tears, I say with almost with a sadistic laugh. I'm so hot, I probably started to sweat. I bring the liquid from my mouth to my eyes. Blood. Crimson flowing blood. I'm coughing up blood, blood from my soul and my torn love. (Deep silence.) CLOUD: Wow. SEPHIROTH: Taking lessons from the Zoicite and Esmeraude school of overreacting? >I pass out in the hallway despite my fears. It would take them two hous to find me lying there. A true lovers quarel. MATT: Or not. >End of File:02. (A cork pop out of a bottle of champagne. The group cheers.) >File:03:Murmurs SEPHIROTH: More like mutterings.