[SOL: Theater]
(From left to right: Callie, Sephiroth, Cloud, Matt)

>"The Things I'll Never Get"

CALLIE: Sephiroth's incredible buffness!
SEPHIROTH: How Cloud gets his hair like that!
CLOUD:  Matt's actual IQ!
MATT: What exactly happened to Callie to make her the way she is!
CALLIE: HEY!

>File:03 Murmurs

CLOUD: Moanings.

>written by Ravenna

CALLIE: Hey, Ravenna, you forgot to put quotation marks around 
"written"!
 
>Dear Reader: 

SEPHIROTH: (Ravenna) ...I'm adopted and my parents don't like me. Can 
I come live with you?

>I had a wonderful breakthrough the other day! 

MATT: What, did she decide to stop writing?

>I couldn't stop writing this wonderful story, or so it seemed to be. 

CLOUD: Does she not make any sense in real life, too, or something?
SEPHIROTH: Wonderful **snrk**

>As always, this is yaoi or m/m so, redirect if you don't want to read 
it or whatever. 

CALLIE: (Valley Girl) Like, or something, y'know? Like yeah!  Like oh
 my god, yeah.
CLOUD: (same) tee hee! Like, y'know? Yeah! Totally! Like, fer sure!

>Warning! This story is really kind of depressing, 

SEPHIROTH: (dryly) I've noticed.

>I guess I was in a bad mood while writing it or something.

CLOUD: And I guess it's a normal thing to be filled with feelings of 
hatred when you read it. 
CALLIE: Wow, that wasn't even sarcastic. 

>Enjoy!

(All laugh hysterically)
CLOUD: Wait you guys, she was serious!
ALL: Oh.
(All begin crying hysterically)
 
>I hate being weak/Why am I so weak?/Maybe if I wasn't so weak you 
would love me/

CALLIE: (Ravenna) I hate being illiterate/ Why am I so illiterate? / 
Maybe if I weren't so illiterate this story would be good.
CLOUD: Bit of a stretch, even then.

>Is that what I must do?/

MATT: (Ravenna) Must I learn to write?

>Not be weak in your arms?/Or should I collapse half-way.../

CLOUD: Collapse all the way, sink into the ground, go to hell, and 
never, ever so much as TOUCH a keyboard again!
 
>"You're near, that moment's here

SEPHIROTH: ~ Let's go out and have a beer! ~

>I'm almost in your arms

CALLIE: ~ Your breath smells like old clams... ~

>Tonight, the mood is right

MATT: ~ Oh no,  I've suffered vampire bites... ~

>I'm almost in your arms

CLOUD: ~ There are chickens in the barn... ~

>One sigh, one word

SEPHIROTH: ~ One more grammatical error... ~
 
>and I Will rush to your embrace

CALLIE: ~ And you will scream at the sight of my face... ~

>Say that certain word,sigh that certain sigh

MATT: ~ Beat me up and say bye-bye... ~

>And with all my heart,

CLOUD: ~ I have to fart... ~

>to your arms I'll fly

SEPHIROTH: ~ I wish that you would die... ~

>It's strange,how we are changed

CALLIE: ~ Since that "special" operation sex just isn't quite the 
same... ~

>I'm almost in your arms to stay

MATT: ~ Stop telling me to go away...~

>I'm fumbling towards that ecstasy... in a dream"

CLOUD: ~ The grammar in this fanfic will make you want to scream! ~

>~Sinead O'Connor

CALLIE: Callista!
SEPHIROTH: Sephiroth! 
CLOUD: Cloud Strife!
MATT: Motoko Kusanagi! I mean...uhhh...Matt.

>beat...beat...beat....

 CALLIE: They're flogging the author! HOORAY!

>4.54. Now turned 5.03. 

MATT: And now it's 5:12. And now it's 5:21.
CLOUD: Counting by nines, everybody!
(All clap)

>Black sparks flutter over my eyes, giving me weak kisses and fleeing 
back into their dark alleys. Am I still on that hall carpet laying in 
my own blood gravy? 

CLOUD: Mmmm, blood gravy.
SEPHIROTH: Tastes like chicken guts.

>A rub my russet face against something silken.

MATT: Southern, now?
CALLIE: (Blanche DuBois) Ah have always depended on th' kahndness of 
strangehs. 
CLOUD: That's funny, you don't see many Japanese people with dark red 
skin.

>Sheets. I am in my own bed. No. I'm not, I have no silken sheets. 

SEPHIROTH: I bet he's in Squall's bed. Whaddaya say?
CLOUD: I'm not making a bet on that. This fanfic is more predictable 
than the DiC version of Sailor Moon.

>This room smells of masculine musk that can only be described as one 
heavenly scent. A scent that lingers under my eyelids and nostrils. 

(All wince.)
CLOUD:  Owie!

>That one scent-a lure so strong to hook a fighting carp-

(Al start laughing.)
MATT; Please tell me that was a joke line, please oh please oh please!
KEIRA'S VOICE: Um...it wasn't.
MATT: AHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! (He just laughs harder. Sephiroth is laughing 
so hard he's crying. Cloud is out of breath. Callie is slumped over 
the side of her chair, hiccuping breathlessly)
(Twenty minutes later.)
SEPHIROTH: (drying his eyes) Whoo! That was a good one!
CALLIE: Let's keep going, this is getting HILARIOUS!

>that I have loved for two years, three months, one week, and two days. 

MATT: ...five hours, twenty minutes, and sixteen seconds.
CALLIE: "Numbers"  Kusanagi, ladies and gentlemen!
(All clap.)
CALLIE: We already did that one, actually.
CLOUD: Still fun.

>Squall Leonheart. I am in his bed.

SEPHIROTH: Oh, shit.
 
>I almost expect to wake up with his arm laying over me, kissing the 
back of my earlobe. 

CALLIE: (sarcastically)  What a turn-on. Earlobes.
(Sephiroth leans over and kisses Callie on the earlobe. She gives him 
a weird look.)
SEPHIROTH: (disappointed) I was hoping you'd scream and slap me.
CALLIE: You're sick.
SEPHIROTH: Hey, sadomasochists are people, too!

>Yet I find no one there. I decide to sit up. A big mistake. The 
blood (god, I was hoping it was him cum, at least)

MATT: (caveman) Him come. Him eat wooly mammoth. Him go "unngh, 
unngh!". Him go beat mate with club.

>lurches inside my stomach, as if to repeat last nights horrible 
dilemma. Ignoring the feeling, I look inside the dimly lit dormitory. 
Squall and Zell (the thought of the name sends little pains jagging 
around my ribcage) are nuzzled next to each other on the wall, like 
the two beautiful storybook virgin lovers that they are. 

CLOUD: Beautiful? Well, that's debatable. (Purses lips and primps his 
hair.)
CALLIE: And I would hardly say "virgin", especially since Zell ended 
up in Alec's dorm room last night covered in sweat and semen.(She messes up Cloud's hair.)
(Cloud glares.)

>I rub my copper colored eyes, 

MATT: ~ Relevancy! Like the misty watercolor blah blah blah! ~

>and prepare to sit up. It may take a little practice at first. As 
soon as my foot hits the carpeting, Squall's eyes flutter awake. Zell 
soon follows muttering the words, "Love.... my love... Squall," 
I would be furious if I didn't hurt so much. The blood in my stomach 
churns, and 

SEPHIROTH: ...he throws up, internally hemorrhaging and dies. The end.

> swirls as I stand up with my hand folded. 

MATT: (to the tune of "YMCA") ~ RE-LE-VANCY! You know they never use 
RE-LE-VANCY-ee... ~

>"Alec.... are you all right?" Squall says groggily, staying in the 
same position as he did in his sleeping state. 

CLOUD: Gee, what do you think, Captain Intelligence?

>All right!? All right!? The memories flash back in my mind in little 
screams of agony. 
"I'm fine," I say coldly. 

CALLIE: (Alec) But these aren't my shorts-or yours!

>He doesn't realize I was being cold. The effects of sleep had yet to 
wear off. 

SEPHIROTH: (Squall) Duh...I like bacon.

>"You passed out man," Zell said, "Squall brought you in here. We 
were gonna take you to the infirmary but it was closed," 

CLOUD: Due to a lack of proper punctuation.

>beat..... beat.... beat....

MATT: ~ Shake, shake, shake, senora... ~
CALLIE: You're awfully musical today.
MATT: that rhyming riff back at the beginning really got me pumped.
 
>"Thanks," I say getting up. The pain comes like some ravenous animal, 
eating a little at first then returning to devour the rest. "I......," 

CALLIE: (Alec) I love you...ummm...you guys! YEAH!
CLOUD: Speaking of tea-obsessed people...(He takes the PHS out of his 
pocket and says a few quiet words into it.)
CALLIE: (watching intently) Hmmm... (She also takes out a PHS and 
says a few words of her own into it.)
CLOUD: Huh?
CALLIE: Heh heh.
(Cid Highwind walks in.)
CID: Who the $$## took me away from my cup of TEA?
CLOUD: Hi, Cid!
CID: Hey there, Spikey, how's it...AAAAAAAUGH!!! SEPHIROTH!
CLOUD: Calm down, we're all in this together now.
CID: Huh?
MATT: You're trapped on this satellite, forced to read bad fanfiction 
for all eternity. Does that sound fun?
CID: OH, %#$#$%&^^&%$%#$#$%%!!!!!
(Silence)
(Selphie Tilmett walks in.)
SELPHIE: Hi-eeeeeeeee!
MATT: AUGH! NOOOO! CALLIE, YOU DIDN'T!
CALLIE: HI, SELPHIE!
SELPHIE: HI, CALLIE! Cab we make fun of the sucky fanfiction now huh 
huh can we?
(Callie, Matt, Seph and Cloud fill Selphie and Cid in on the non-plot
so far.)
SEPHIROTH: Ready?
SELPHIE: Hell yeah!
CID: Lemme at it! And Cloudy-boy, you're DEAD for making me do this.
CLOUD: **ulp**

>"Alec...... I never saw you so hurt in my life. It was like your 
soul was missing from your body," Squall says rather cryptically. 

CALLIE: And in what way is that cryptic?
CID: maybe if he said something like, "It seemed as if your very soul 
had abandoned it's hollow shell of flesh".
CLOUD: Wow, Cid, you're so articulate!
CID: I'm $#$%ing pissed, boy! All those $###$ing AP English classes 
are comin' back to me!

>".....I don't know....how...," I say rather dumbly. 

SEPHIROTH: (Alec) Duh. Tee hee. Hee hee hee duh! Ummm...hee hee!

>Each word becomes harder to say. 

SELPHIE: He should stop eating marbles.

>My heart weighs heavier each breathing moment.

CLOUD: then it rips through his chest, shattering his ribcage into a 
billion pieces and killing him painfully. The end.
CID: You okay?
CLOUD: This is the third part, ol' buddy. I'm getting pretty dark.

>Why do you think beat.....beat.... you passed out like that?" Zell 
asks, still rather plagued by his sleep. 

MATT: (Zell) Damn you, sleep! Damn you to hell!

>I had a heart murmur beat...beat...beat.... when I was born. 

CALLIE: A heart murmur is not enough to kill you! 

>it is almost like half of my heart doesn't function. I must of over 
exerted myself last night," I sound out, trying to make it sound 
normal. 

CALLIE: Or plausible.
SEPHIROTH: He overexerted himself by whining and passing out, eh?
SELPHIE: He sure wouldn't last very long at Garden!

>Squalls eyes widen, "Really? Oh my god...., 

CALLIE: (British) You have unlawfully taken the innocent life of dear 
young Kenneth! You illegitimate sons of swine!
CID: Huh?
CALLIE: Just putting a new twist on an old favorite.

>I never knew," 

SEPHIROTH; ~ Did you...ever...knooooooooooooow? ~
MATT: AAAAAAAAAAUGH!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!

>Zell began to look worried, "So.... 

CALLIE: ...So if Romeo were he not Romeo called...

>If no one came.....,"

CID: Sounds like quite a few of them came-
CLOUD: CID!
CID: Heh heh.
 
>My eyes almost begin to tear up. 

(All make ripping noises)
MATT: Oh, the humanity!

>I crouch on my knees away from the two damned lovers.

CALLIE: From forth the fatal loins of these two foes, a pair of star-
crossed lovers take their lives.
MATT: You feeling okay?

 
>"Your beat..... right. beat.... I would of died," I said ashamed. 

SELPHIE: What was he beating?
CLOUD: Errrrrrrrrmmmm...don't say it, Callie!
CALLIE: Phooey.

>Squall and Zell remain rather petrified. 

CID: So, they were...stoned?
(All groan)
CALLIE: (stoned) Damn, so many black bunnies in the freezer...oooh...
SEPHIROTH: Hey, remember last time when I threw Cloud against the 
wall and he said, 'It used to be a garbage can. But the bunnies told 
me not to use it anymore, so I threw away the black pies.' ?
CLOUD: I said WHAT?
SEPHIROTH: Heh heh. Nevermind.

>"It's never happened before?" Zell finally asks. 
"Last night was the worst," I say truthfully. 

CLOUD: This fic is the worst.

>"You could of.....died?" Squall says now completely worried.

SELPHIE: (Squall) Oh, god! What if he dies before he pays me back 
that $50 he owes me?
 
>"It's not like it would of been a bad thing....," I mutter under my 
breath. 

MATT: I agree!
CALLIE: Don't we all?

>A tear starts dripping down my cheek again. The pain. The goddamn 
pain. 

SEPHIROTH: Damn the pain! Damn it all to-
CID: ^&%^& enough with that line already!

>Squall. Zell. My broken heart. It was bad enough it was broken 
physically, but now emotionally too. 

SELPHIE: My head feels broken.

>Squall.... my loved....

CALLIE: ~ Deep in my soul...a love so strong...it takes control... ~
SELPHIE; ~ Now we both know...the secrets bared...the feelings 
show... ~
SEPHIROTH: ~ Driven far apart...I'll make a wish on a shooting 
star... ~
CALLIE: ~ There will come a day...somewhere far away...in your arms 
I'll stay, my only love... ~
SELPHIE: ~ Even though you're gone...love will still live on...
the feeling is so strong, my only love...~
ALL THREE: ~ My onleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee loooooooooooooooooove...~
CID: Shut the &^%^% up, you numbskulls!
 
>"Alec.... I.... feel so guilty. I never found you beat..... 

SEPHIROTH: (Squall) I feel guilty I never beat you.

>beat.... beat.... until an hour or so. Me and Zell.... had a little 
talk about things last night," Squall said. 
His words were cut out by each murmur my heart gave out. 

CID: Damn, he must have GOOD hearing.

>The heart beating hideously in my heaving chest. The blood to my 
brain was not functioning correctly. 

MATT: ...says Ravenna, hunched over her keyboard, drooling and typing.

>All I was registering was sadness and pain. All I had left. 
"I see," I said dryly, surprisingly my voice did not waver. 
"Alec....," Zell said almost worriedly, "We are....., lovers. 

(Selphie stares at the screen, openmouthed, for nearly a minute. 
Then, suddenly, a gigantic wave of hilarity engulfs her. Selphie 
screams with laughter and rolls on the ground.)
CALLIE: I don't blame her.
MATT: Me neither.
SEPHIROTH: What's so damn funny?
MATT: Squall and Zell are both BEYOND straight. The idea of them 
hooking up is ridiculous.
CALLIE: So ridiculous as to hook a fighting carp...?
MATT: Bad Callie!
(After another fifteen minutes, Selphie climbs back into her chair 
still hiccuping with hilarity.)
SELPHIE: Continue! I'm inexplicably amused!

>I love Squall, so this means we are.... 

MATT: Gay.

>are.... 

CID: Gay, ^$% it!

>are...," 

SEPHIROTH: Gay!

>"Gay," 

ALL: THANK YOU!

>I said again. 

CLOUD: When did he say it the first time?

>You and Squall are fucking gay.

SELPHIE: Well, duh. Ever seen Squall and Irvine together in the shower?
(All give her a strange look.)
(Selphie breaks up again.)
MATT: Do NOT scare me like that again!

> And are gay, fucking! 

CALLIE: And here's the plot, explained in it's entirety!

>No fucking shit, Zell.

SEPHIROTH: Bad Zell! BAD! Don't have sex with feces!
CLOUD: That's repulsive.
SEPHIROTH: thanks.

> Like I couldn't figure out what gay meant. 

CLOUD: (Alec) So, I don't get it. You guys are happy?

>Like I haven't been gay all my life. 

CID: ~ I feel pretty...oh so pretty...I feel pretty and witty and 
gay... ~
(Cloud gives  Cid a majorly disturbed look.)

>Like I don't feel anything. 

MATT: Gives new meaning to the term "numbnuts", don't it?

>Like I never loved Squall before. 

SELPHIE: Of course, he assumes them to  KNOW about all this?
CALLIE: Never inquire about the plot.

>"Yes....," Squall said. I could almost hear him smile at Zell. 

(All make cracking noises)
SELPHIE: Squall? Smiling?

>beat..beat...beat...beat 

CALLIE: God, this is getting really kinky.

>"I hope," Zell began, "That you won't hold it against us. Your the 
first person I want to know about us, because your our friend. 
Please....don't tell anyone," 

CLOUD: (Alec) Okay,  I won't...(same, shrieking) HEY, EVERYONE! 
SQUALL LEONHEART AND ZELL DINCHT JUST WENT AT IT LIKE WILD ANIMALS!

>beat.beat.beat.beat.beat.beat.beat.... 

CID: We have liftoff! KABOOM! (muttering) Stupid bitch Shera...

>My hear hammers inside it's cage. 

MATT: ~ Wanna put my tender heart in a blender... ~

>How goddamn fucking introverted of him. 

SEPHIROTH: It's not introverted. That would be if he was talking to 
himself.

>He only cares about his fucking reputation. OUR FRIEND. OUR GODDAMN 
FUCKING FRIEND. Our goddamn fucking friend Alec. 

CALLIE: Um...or, they could be telling you because you're their 
friend...ummm...because they don't think it's anyone else's business?
SELPHIE: Alec's a total retard.
CALLIE: Like, duh?
CLOUD: Teenybopper talk.
(Callie smacks him over the head with a conveniently placed hairbrush.)

>My heart murmurs in pure rage at that one word. 

CID: Shoulda exploded by now.

>"Alec.... I know it's a shock," 

CALLIE: PIKACHU THUNDER SHOCK!

>Squall said, "But....it feels so right," 
"And what we need right now," Zell said putting his muscular arm on 
my shoulder. The same muscular arm that hosts the hand that gets to 
touch Squall everywhere. 

(Selphie shoves her entire hand in her mouth in an effort to hold 
back another insane shriek.)

>"Is a good friend," 
beat...

CALLIE: Three...

>beat...

CLOUD: Two...

>beat....beat.... 

SELPHIE: One...

>BOOM! 

ALL: WE HAVE LIFTOFF!

>I slap his arm off my shoulder 

CALLIE: (Alec) My ass is worth more than five bucks and you know it!

>and turn around my two copper blood shot eyes fuming. 

SELPHIE: So, he turned his fuming eyeballs around?
MATT: **sigh** Some people just want to embarrass themselves by 
writing this shit...

>They both look on in wonder and surprise. 

CLOUD: (Carnival Barker) Come one, come all! See the Amazing Eyeball 
Twister! Only six tickets!

>"FRIEND!!!" I bellow at them BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!, 

MATT: Alec: the missing member of Stomp?
CALLIE: I think it's actually the 1812 Overture.

>"I'm not, nor have I ever been your FRIEND!!!" 

SEPHIROTH: (Alec) Dammit, I'm a STALKER, not a BUDDY!

>The tears are coming now, "I've only been the neighboring dorm!! 

CID: He himself, huh?

>That's all I ever will be!! If you want a fucking 

CALLIE: They can go-
CLOUD: No. NO!
SEPHIROTH: Should I...?
MATT: YEAH! YEAH!
SELPHIE AND CID: huh?
SEPHIROTH: (grinning) Oh, yoooooooooou'll seeeeeeeee...
(Sephiroth picks Cloud up and chucks him headfirst into the wall. 
Cloud hits, falls down, and gets up again. He has THAT LOOK on his 
face.)
SEPHIROTH: Cloud, say something.
CLOUD: What broccoli?
(Callie and  Matt cheer and clap)
(Selphie looks confused)
(Cid looks perplexed.)

>FRIEND you can tell anybody!! Selphie! Rinoa! Irvine! 

CALLIE: Brad!
SEPHIROTH: Janet!
MATT: Kusanagi!
CID: Kaneda!
SELPHIE: Usagi-chan!
CLOUD: Cement paper bunny! Ibbidy ibbidy bloo bloo!

>Anyone! You can even tell fucking Seifer!I 

CLOUD: My mommy has a pet fuchikoma! ARRR AAARRR AAAAAAARRRRR!!!! 
Alcoholic remote controls!
CALLIE: It's just no fun anymore. (She clonks Cloud over the head.)
CLOUD: (woozy) Wha...what happened?
CALLIE: Nothing, dear...

>I don't care about you Zell...or your damn sex with Squall!!! 

SELPHIE: ANYONE who cares about 'Zell's damn sex with Squall', raise 
your hand now!
(Crickets)
SELPHIE: Glad to see that.

>Leave me out of it!!!" 

MATT: guess he's not into orgies.

>I say almost flying up out of position

CALLIE: ...but restrained by the handcuffs.
(All look at Cloud, who just cowers in his chair.)
SEPHIROTH: Ahh, the peace...
 
>"Alec?" Squall says shocked and hurt. 
My anger is surfacing. I fling my arm over my eyes and exit the small 
room. 

CALLIE: STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!
SEPHIROTH: ...of character.
CID: (Alec) Ow! I bumped into the wall!

>I slam the door shut on the other side. I am standing in the middle 
of the hall in my black bed kimono. It is 6.01. beat....beat....
beat.....beat..... My heart murmurs in my brain. Alec..... Alec..... 
Alec..... Alec.... You never thought you would ever.... with him? 

CALLIE: I, for one, hoped Alec would not "...." with him or ANYONE!

>"Alec!" Squall shouts from the other side of his door, "What's wrong? Are you all right!!" 

SELPHIE: That's not Squall! That's Squall's stupid clone!

>"Come on, man!" Zell chirps 

SEPHIROTH; (British, birdwatcher) Oooh, a Tattoo-Faced Chirping 
Zell's mating call! Quick, Margaret, hand me the rifle!

>behind Squall, "Alec.... we need to talk," 

CID: These dumbasses just got shrieked at for no good reason at all, 
and they wanna talk to him? $$^%%%#ers!!!!

>I close the same copper colored eyes 

CLOUD: If they mention the color of his goddamn eyes ONE MORE TIME-
MATT: Cool it, Choco-Boy.

>and slump down in the hallway. 

CID: So, the dumbasses were too ^%^&ing stupid to GO OUT INTO THE 
HALLWAY???? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
HHHH!!!!!!! (Cid attempts to jump up and rush the screen, but is 
restrained by Matt and Selphie)
MATT: Don't, Cid! Keira will attack you with some kinda magic spell, 
and it HURTS!
CID: (sitting down, but with deep pain and fury in his eyes) I'll get 
you someday, Ravenna...

>Squall comes out in the hallway and gazes into my eyes. 

CALLIE: (Squall) Hey! You've got copper eyeballs!

>"Alec..... you just ran out of the room... without saying 
anything....," 

SEPHIROTH: Except " FRIEND!!!"
CALLIE: "I'm not, nor have I ever been your FRIEND!!!"
CLOUD: And so on.
CID: He said quite a bit.
MATT: Selphie, you know Squall better than any of us. What's the 
verdict?
SELPHIE: This fanfic is the truth, the total and utter truth. 
Everyone is totally IC. Also, lettuce causes brain damage, the moon 
is made of green cheese, and two plus two equals Spaghetti-O's.

>"I'm sorry Squall..... The pain... The goddamn pain...," I say 
hysterical with agony. 

CALLIE: ~ Oh man, he's got issues, and we're gonna pay...~

>beat....beat....beat....  

CLOUD: (Emperor Palpetine) Beat me down with your anger and your 
journey to the Dark Side will be complete.

>"You need to lie down," he says smiling, 

MATT: (Squall) Hee hee! I'm dumb as a tree!

>"I.... I'll take you to your room," 

CALLIE: (passionate, Alec, narrative) Then he lifted me up in those 
strong, tan arms and spirited me away to my room! Oh, the feel of 
that smooth, bare skin against my shoulders! The very second he 
dropped me on the bed and kissed me deeply on the lips, I know that 
Squall had finally come to-
ALL: CLAIM ME!
CALLIE: (continuing) As he tenderly removed my kimono and kissed me 
on the shoulders, I felt liquid. I grasped his hair in thick handfuls 
and brought my lips up again to kiss his, our tongues slipping 
together like hot silk! "Oh, Squall!" I whispered, my voice husky 
with want and need-
ALL: CLAIM ME!
CALLIE: (Shriekily continuing) Oh, how I longed to enfold him 
completely in my desire! Oh, how I wanted to teach him how to dance! 
The dance of love! The dance of the deepest intimacy ever known! Yes, 
I thought! Yes, Squall! Tonight...oh, my dearest darling...
tonight, you shall-
ALL: CLAIM MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
CALLIE: A semi-Shakespearean Production.
(All clap)
KEIRA'S VOICE: Very cute.  Get on with it!

>I must of thought it up. 

MATT: This fanfic is like a dream.
CID: Ya mean a nightmare.

>My heart was talking, 

CLOUD: that must hurt like hell!

>but not my mouth. I must be really losing it. 

CALLIE: Trust me, pal, ya lost it a LOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNG time ago.

>Squall slips his arm around waist and carries me into my dorm. 

SELPHIE: Callie...are you PSYCHIC?
CALLIE: I hope not!

>I feel so comfortable in his arm, I bury my head into his wonderful 
chest 

SEPHIROTH: God-DAMN, this guy has one hell of a weird fetish!

>and smell his cologne and leather. 

CLOUD: All my men wear English Leather or they wear nothing at all!

>I'm pretty sure I'm crying now. Almost bawling. 
"Alec....," he says soothingly, "Alec....," 

SELPHIE: (Alec) Oh, Squall, I feel so...so...so UNCLAIMED!

>"Squall...," I say feeling him drop me onto my bed, "I'm such a 
bastard. 

MATT; (Squall) Isn't everyone around here?

>Blowing 

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!

>up at you and Zell. 

ALL: Oh.

>It's the pain talking...," 
He drops a washcloth into some cold water then applies it to my head. 
"You've taken care of me, for so long," Squall says smiling, "Now 
it's my turn. I can see 

SEPHIROTH: ...into your future!

>why you enjoy this so much.... It's kinda fun,"

CID: (Squall) Oh, did I ever mention I'm a doctoral sadist?
 
>"Squall.... where is Zell," I ask in pain. 
"I sent him to the infirmary to get some 

CLOUD: ...periods.

>potions," he said, "You need to regain your strength,"

CALLIE: (Alec) ::coughcough:: Hand me...that...sushi...must...have...
more...Japanese...food...before I...die...
 
>I feel my heart slowly begin to lower. 

SELPHIE: (wincing) Oooh...

>The pain seems to finally ebb away, for now. He brings the wash 
cloth over my face. I want to kiss him. To hold him. 

MATT; ~ It's just...a little crush...~

>"Hearing.... about us," Squall says, "Must scare you," 

SELPHIE: it scares the hell out of ME!

>"No," I say, "It doesn't. You two are made 

CLOUD: ...in Taiwan.

>for each other," beat.....beat....beat.... I say lying through my 
teeth. 
He laughs. "I love him so much. He means so much, to me," he says 
acting very calmly,

CID: As opposed to nervous, or angry, or panicky.

> "I thought I could never love anyone, but.... hear I am... in love 
with Zell," 
My stomach begins to gyrate violently. 

SEPHIROTH: Damn, this guy has contortionist internal organs!

>I shiver from the cool wind and water blowing and dripping down my 
neck. My hair (which is quite long for a guy) is flung to the side of
 the pillow. 
"Squall.... I....," I begin. I need to tell him now.

MATT: Pphhhht!!! GOOD TIMING!
 
>"Alec..... what is it?" he says looking into my copper eyes. 

CLOUD: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!! DAMN YOUR EYES!!!! 
LITERALLY!!!!

>"I.....I....love....,"

CALLIE: ...peanut butter and banana sandwiches!
SEPHIROTH: ...long walks on the beach, rainy days, and chocolate!
CLOUD: ...Dr. Thinker fanfiction!
MATT: ...hot pink sweatpants!
CID: ...TEA!!!!
SELPHIE: ...trains!

> I start to say when Zell walks in with a paper bag. 
"Okay! I got some stuff for you Alec," he says putting various 

CALLIE: ...sex toys...

>blue 

SELPHIE: ...balls...
CLOUD: Jeez, you two!

>bottles on the table, "I wanna... take care of Alec. To thank him 
for last night,"

SEPHIROTH: THANK HIM FOR WHAT??? BLEEDING ALL OVER THE PLACE??
 
>I sit up in bed and swallow a potion. Then I chug down an antidote 
to go with it. The bitter taste of antitoxins fill my dry mouth.... 
I need to get them out of here....

CID: So throw up.
 
>"Squall..... Zell..... About me blowing 

(All snicker)

>up..... I..... There was no excuse for it. I... just cracked up..... 

CALLIE: (Latino Bronx) I just a crack ho, y'know what I'm sayin'?

>This pain..... Making you guys feel responsible. But.... I'm happy 
for you guys. You'll stay that way.....," 
Zell grins, "Forever. You got it!" 

SELPHIE: (weakly) Mother.

>Squall returns the smile with a kiss, "Thank you Alec. I'm glad you 
understand. It is so hard to be.... like us," 

CLOUD: OOC?

>Zell crushesd the doubt of Squall easily, 

(All make crunching sounds.)

>"It will be okay, Squall....,"

CID: Nothing will ever be okay again after reading this fanfic!
 
>I sit in a silent rage. I should tear my murmuring heart out and 
show it's decay.

MATT: Ooh...twisted...
 
>The decay of scarlet. The decay of Squall. 

CLOUD: Actually, Squall seems pretty damn happy to me. And I killed 
Scarlet! She's totally fried; she didn't have time to decay.
SEPHIROTH; Ding dong, Scarlet's dead!

>The decay of unloved ones. I am beyond suicide. I'm beyond tearing 
my soul out. I wanna die, 100%, the whole deal, all locked up in that 
rasberry swirl called the heart. 

SELPHIE: Mmmm, raspberry swirl! Yum yum yummy!
SEPHIROTH: if you want to die, then it IS being suicidal. Damn.
MATT: No, it's not.
SEPHIROTH: Whatever.

>All though it's not rasberry. 

CALLIE: It's cherry!
SEPHIROTH: It's grape!
CLOUD: It's lemon!
MATT: It's apple!
CID: It's banana!
SELPHIE: It's tomato!

>It's nocture. It's black. It's rotted. 

CALLIE: Oh, BLACKBERRY.

>"Alec?" Squall's voice brings me out of my long pause. 

CLOUD: (Alec)  Sorry, I was contemplating my navel. You were saying?

>"Hmmmm?" I say. 
"You were scowling, are you sure your okay?" 
"Yeah....," I say, "I feel much better," I say getting up, "Let's get 
dressed and get ready for today's training," 
"You sure?" Squall says. 
"Very," I say getting out my school uniform, "I think we're training 
today,"

SELPHIE: He was just hacking up his entire circulatory system!
MATT: I'm in pain...
 
>"You wanna run down to the cafeteria and get something to eat?" Zell 
asks. 
"No thanks, I lost my appetite," I saw waving my hand at the blonde.

CID: (Alec) I swallowed all the blood again.
CLOUD: ugh!
 
>"Alec..... We'll be in the next room.....," 
"It's okay," Zell says grabbing Squall's waist, "I left my uniform in 
your room anyway," 
He drags the man I love out into the hallway. 

SEPHIROTH: And murders him!
CID: I wish.

>beat.....beat.....beat..... 

MATT: This is so boring...

>I pull on my uniform and think of Zell. His boisterous face. 
"You bastard....," I say out loud. 

SELPHIE: (Alec) Why, I bet you were conceived out of wedlock!

>I can hear them laughing through the wall.

CLOUD: (Squall) Haw haw! He fell for it!
CALLIE: (Zell) Let's go scare the crap out of Quistis!
 
>beat....beat....beat.....      

SELPHIE: (monotone) Beat the drum, Frank.

>My heart begins to slowly murmur to my brain once more. 

CLOUD: (Alec's heart) Psst...pssst...you're an asshole...

>beat.....beat.....beat.... 

SEPHIROTH; Well, don't that beat all!
>End of File:03. 

CLOUD: Oh, thank god!
CALLIE: yeah, that last one was a killer!

>File:04:Vox 


SELPHIE: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! MORE???
CID: Get me out...get me OUT...

[EXIT SOL]