>The Story of SailorHeart CALLIE: Sailor Heart ATTACK! SEPHIROTH: Moon Spiral Heart Attack? CLOUD: Rainbow Moon HeartAche? MATT: Pink Sugar Heart Attack? CHIBIUSA: Not right now. I have a headache. SELPHIE: ~ Ya gotta have heart! ~ >by Amber Friedrich (afriedrich@webtv.net) CALLIE: I hate that girl. (http://www.geocities.com/callietheinsaneprettysoldier/bitches.txt) >Chapter One: A mysterious new friend SEPHIROTH: Blinky, the Wandering Pedophile! >Long ago lived a Duchess. MATT: Well, yay. You want a medal or something? CLOUD: You'll make it through. CALLIE: So will you, no kissing men this time. (Cloud gags) SELPHIE: Cloud, you're so weird about that. >She loyaly served her Queen in the Silver Millenium and often offered advice to Her Majesty Queen Serenity. CALLIE: Who was So Important that Her Name was Always Capitalized. >The Queen rarely depended upon the Duchess to make decisions but when she did it was wise to listen. CHIBIUSA: (Duchess, threatening) Now you listen here, missy, I've told you time and time again to get rid of that no-good deadbeat Princess Serenity- MATT: Down on your mom again? CHIBIUSA: She made me clean the bathrooms today while she and Mamoru went out for ice cream. SELPHIE: Oooh, harsh. >This Duchess was Duchess Harmony of Heart. CLOUD: So, Queen Serenity's trusted advisor was Debbie Harry? >Duchess Harmony had a single daughter, named Amber, CALLIE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!! SELF-INSERTION! WITH HER!!!! CHIBIUSA: What's the problem? MATT: The author is this annoying brat who bugs the hell out of her all the time. SELPHIE: Ohh, NOW I see why you MSTed this. (The fourth wall splits in half.) KEIRA: (via loudspeaker) Dammit, Selphie! CLOUD: Shhh! >who was her heir. Harmony was left on the moon after Queen Serenity reincarnated her daughter and the remainder of the Moon Kingdom. CHIBIUSA: Yeah, uh, that makes sense...NOT. >She loyaly guarded the rest of the destroyed Moon Kingdom until probes (Matt, Callie, and Sephiroth snicker.) CLOUD: Tasteless! SELPHIE: Acting! CHIBIUSA: Brilliant! SELPHIE: Thank you! (Chibiusa pretends to slap Selphie) MATT: What was the point of that? SELPHIE: Nothing. >from Earth came to close. She then used her power to create the Crystal Love Heart and destroyed the Moon Kingdom so that the people of earth would never know of it's secret. MATT: Someone who knows Sailor Moon wanna tell me if this makes any sense? CHIBIUSA: As an expert, I say HELL NO. CALLIE: She had to make a crystal? JEEZ! I could destroy the damn Moon Kingdom with a sledgehammer and some rocks! >With her power dwinding SELPHIE: Dwinding? That some kinda new window blind? >she used her last ounce of strength to reincarnate herself and lost the crystal in the process. CLOUD: ohh, good job. >Thus she did not lose her memories. She was reincarnated and had a daughter with a strange birthmark on her ankle. SEPHIROTH: (Duchess) It looks like a turtle... CHIBIUSA: And of course, folks, this means NOTHING! >She could not tell her daughter her past completely, so she told her she was very special. CALLIE: If this is Amber, hell YEAH she's special. MATT: Small yellow schoolbus special. >Duchess Harmony died when her daughter was young, thus she never could tell her her past. But she did leave CALLIE: ...her entire Tony Orlando record collection? SEPHIROTH: ...a big red stain on the living room rug? CLOUD: ...the country in order to obtain an illegal Swiss banking account? MATT: ...99 bottles of beer on the wall? CHIBIUSA: ...a complete set of fine bone china? SELPHIE: ...a lingering stench? >a remnant of her daughter's identity, her title. Amber was now Duchess Amber of Heart. CALLIE: And there was much rejoicing. ALL: (dryly) yay. (they all wait a moment.) SEPHIROTH: What? THAT'S IT? SELPHIE: Whoohoo! KEIRA: Remember, there are three parts...and we're condensing them! SO siddown and shut up! ALL; Dammit! (they all sit down and...well...shut up.) >Chapter Two: Heart's Awakening ALL: Hit the snooze button! >I know it is late. CHIBIUSA: Oh, no! Whoever's talking missed the big sale at Kmart! Oh, the horror! >I can feel the moments ticking away but I do not care. SEPHIROTH: Well, you should. SELPHIE: Why should she or he? SEPHIROTH: Shut up, Selphia. SELPHIE: DON'T CALL ME THAT! >I roll over and stare at the ceiling, looking for pattern in the speckled dots that cover it. But I find none. CLOUD: Except, y'know...dots. >Just like my life, I realize, no pattern in which I roam the nation, looking for a place where I am welcome, where no one knows me for what I am. CALLIE: the best damn stripper this side of the Missouri! >I am struck with a pang of lonliness, for those I know and love. And miss. My mother. SELPHIE: Who taught me. How to talk. Like Shatner. >I get up and start to wander around the house. MATT: Gee, maybe if she had less time on her hands she wouldn't have to walk around and write fanfiction. >I go to the balcony and open the door. CHIBIUSA: (chanting) Jump! Jump! Jump! >The view is breathtaking. SELPHIE; So stop breathing! >I wish I had someone to share it with. I wander out and look at the sunset. SEPHIROTH: Assuming she wasn't looking at before. >My gaze shifts to the balcony next to mine. There is a gray tabby cat staring at me. I wish I had one. SELPHIE: (evil) Steeeeeeeeeeeeal it! >I turn around and walk back into the house. My feet make the gentlest swishing sound against the carpet and when I look down at them my red hair brushes into my face. CALLIE: Poor little Amber has not yet learned that insanely detailed description does not automatically make for good fanfiction. >I then realize I am late for work. CLOUD: Well, DUH. >I jump into a pale blue dress, almost the same color as my eyes CALLIE: (Amber) Except my eyes are brown. Tee hee. Duh. CLOUD: Now, Callie, you don't know that... CALLIE: It still sounded good. >I tear a comb through my hair and grab my keys on the way out the door. When I get out there that same gray cat is setting on my step. I bend down to pet it, and it starts to purr. SEPHIROTH: (Amber) And then it bit my hand off. >Darling little thing I think. CHIBIUSA: Hey you guys don't you think it's annoying when I do this with no ends to my sentences or punctuation of quotation marks if I were you I'd be pissed as hell hey nice socks Sel-- (Callie claps her hand over Chibiusa's mouth.) >As I pull into the pet store I find that the cat has followed me here. MATT: If the sun is setting...why is she GOING to work? CLOUD: maybe she's a janitor. SELPHIE: Amber the janitor! ALL; (chanting) Amber the janitor! Amber the janitor! CALLIE: (Amber, snooty) That's SANITATION TECHNICIAN to you! >I do not know how he got here but I think after that long walk he would be hungry. CHIBIUSA: So the damn cat walked. So she DOES know how it got there. >So I go in and reemerge with some kitty treats. He eats, then followes me into the store. I allow him to. It is after hours. I have grown accustomed to him and I will keep him, I think. SEPHIROTH: just like that? >Then he begins to talk. SELPHIE: I guess so. This one's pretty bad. >"Hello Amber." he says. I jerk the car to a stop. CLOUD: (Amber) Hold on one cotton-pickin' minute! When did we LEAVE? >"Did you just talk?" I ask. MATT; And the Most Predictable BSSM Avatar Line goes to... >"Yes," he said, "My name is Stripes, and you are SailorHeart." SEPHIROTH: Now she'll express disbelief... >I sigh and look at the dashboard. CALLIE: (Amber) Another goddamn talking cat...**sigh** >"Why should I believe you, because you talk?" CHIBIUSA: Works for me!!! CLOUD: Not to mention Usagi. >"You have no reason to believe me," he says, "but you have no reason not to either." I look into his green eyes and I find wisdom. I decide I can trust him. "You're right," I say, "What do I have to do?" "All you have to do is fight SELPHIE: Evil by moonlight, and win love by daylight. And never run from a real fight. CHIBIUSA: I'M NOT LISTENING! ::stuffs fingers in her ears and yells loudly:: GOMEN NE SUNAO JA NAKUNTE- >evil and save the world." I look at him bewildered. Could he be more blunt? MATT: probably not. CALLIE: But, this IS Amber we're talking about here. >"Ok, ok, I will take the job." I say sarchastically. He takes it as a positive answer. SEPHIROTH; because as we all know, what Amber just said REEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY sounds like sarcasm. >"Here," he says, "is your transformation stick." He hands me a small pink stick with a jewel on the top. MATT; INTENSE...DESCRIPTIVE...ACTION! >"I will tell you the rest when we get back to the house." he says. We are back and he is about to tell me what to do next. CLOUD: Amber: the
tag is your friend. SELPHIE: At least we don't have to make up lame snowflake riffs. >"Now," he says "you say 'Heart Celestial Power'." I hold the stick in the air above my head and repeat his words. I feel an incredible surge of power and I now realize what the nagging feeling was. It was my own special power pointing me toward my destiny. SEPHIROTH: Little Amber is becoming a woman! (Matt and Callie gag) >I finish my transformation and look at my outfit. I have a golden tiara with a small red heart in the center. The rest of my outfit begins with short red boots that go halfway up to my knees. I have a red pleated skirt and big red bow on my lower back. I have a white body suit and a big red bow on my chest. It ends with a thin red chocker around my neck. My weapon is a staff a little taller then me. It is silver with a red heart backed by wings at the end of it. CHIBIUSA: So basically, she ripped off Sailor Mars' Sailor Star fuku and added Puu's garnet orb with a heart on the end of it. Wow. How original. CLOUD: I wonder how you say "Blow me" in Japanese. I would scream it constantly. >"Wow." I say. "Welcome back." says Stripes. I suddenly feel this warm tingly feeling coming from the center of my CALLIE: AHAHAAHAHAHAAAA!!!! CLOUD: CALLISTA! >tiara. "I feel strange." I say. "That is your sixth sense," he says "it detects evil." SEPHIROTH; Amber sees dead people! >"Well there is definetly something evil in this room." I say. "Very correct, Sailor Heart." said a voice. MATT; (voice) And its name is Amber Friedrich. >"What was that?" I ask Stripes. "How am I supposed to know, you're the one with the sixth sense." he replies. SELPHIE: Looks like Stripes has been off his happy pills! >Ok, I think to myself, this is my destiny, I can do this. "Who and where are you?" I ask in trembling voice. "Pathetic human," replies the voice, "I am Princess Alexandrite of Aaron, here to take over the human race." CHIBIUSA: So she ripped off the name of one of the Four Generals as well. **sigh** >"Not if I can help it!" I say. Before I know what I am doing I raise my staff above my head and call out "Sweetheart Meditation!" CHIBIUSA: Grrrr... >The Princess disappears before it strikes her but I know she was intimadated. CLOUD: (Alexandrite) Ooooh, I'm so scared. Really. >"I will be back." she says from the balcony. SELPHIE: (Alexandrite, Ah-nold) Hasta la vista, baby. >I dart out of the door hoping to catch her but she is gone. SEPHIROTH: Duh, duh, and triple duh! >I take a deep breath as Stripes joins me at the balcony. CALLIE: (Stripes) Can we make out now? >"Very well for your first time." he congratulates me. MATT: (brightly) Amber put the tampon in ALL by herself! CLOUD: MATT! >"This is what my mother meant before she died. She said I was special. Now I believe her." I say. CALLIE: (Amber) I saw my SAT scores. >I look up at the bright moon. (Matt pulls up his pants hurriedly.) SELPHIE: Matt! MATT: Sorry. >I see my mother's face in it's shadows. CALLIE: ~ If you belieeeve...they put a man on the moon... ~ >"You ARE very special." Stripes tells me. SEPHIROTH: (Stripes) VERY special. Now take off your bra. >Chapter Three: The scouts awake CHIBIUSA: SCOUTS? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGH!!! ::starts to cry:: CALLIE: It's okay, Chibiusa-chan. CHIBIUSA: (sobbing) I want my mommy! >The sun shone through the window. The trees were waving in the gentle breeze. And leaning against the fountain in the park were Ami, Raye, Lita, and Mina. CHIBIUSA: (sniffling) the evil, twisted clones of Ami-chan, Rei-chan, Mako-chan, and Minako-chan. SELPHIE: Ami IS there, though... SEPHIROTH: Why can't they figure out how to spell "Amy"? >The year is 2014 and they are best friends. CLOUD: And pretty damn old to be struttin' around in those Sailor fukus. >Yet, they do not know the power that lies inside them, waiting to be discovered and brought out to fight the evil that will soon befall them. (Chibiusa screams and passes out.) SEPHIROTH: oh, no! We lost the Chibi! (Ten little monkeys come in and take Chibiusa's prone body away) CALLIE: Poor Chibiusa. MATT: Good riddance! >"Where is Serena?!" Raye angrily asks, "She is late again!" "Be patient" said Lita, "You know her, she'll show up at the last minute." SELPHIE: Despite the fact that she's now about 40! CALLIE: Actually...36. >>"Hey, wait i'm here!" The voice is reconizably Serena's but it sounds more mature in a way. SEPHIROTH: because she's approaching middle age. >The five young women start walking toward the main campus of the college. MATT: Damn! CALLIE: I can imagine Usagi being dumb enough to flunk that much, but...Ami? Rei? I don't think so. >Later, in their Literature class, the girls are learning about the myths and the truth of the modern world. The teacher begans to read the "myth" that will change their life forever. CALLIE: (Teacher) One time this lady washed a poodle and put it in the microwave to dry...and it exploded! SEPHIROTH: (teacher) there are spider eggs in Bubble Yum. CLOUD: (teacher) Alligators live in the New York sewers!" MATT: (Teacher) One time there were these two people making out in a car, and this news report came on about this maniac with a hook who was wandering around the area, and the girl got scared so the boyfriend took her home, and when he went around to her side to open the door, there was a hook dangling from it! SELPHIE: ...aaaah, I can't follow up on that. >Long ago lived this young fighter for justice named SailorMoon. She was the reincarnated Princess of the Moon, and hailed from the time period we call the Silver Millenium. She was future Neo-Queen Serenity. Along with her court, SailorMercury, SailorMars, SailorJupiter and SailorVenus and various other SailorScouts CLOUD: Despite the fact that- SEPHIROTH: Cloud...they DID dub the episodes with the Outer Senshi. CLOUD: Oh, shit. >she fought evil and succeded every time. SELPHIE: Except every time she died and someone else had to save her, like Luna or Tuxedo Kamen or whoever. >But once after the greatest fight of all, she disapeared and was not seen again. CALLIE: Along with, like, the rest of the universe. >Some say she was killed and others say she just disapeared. SEPHIROTH: (Amber) I'm gonna ignore what Naoko Takeuchi said! What does she know? >But she will always be remembered as the fighter of justice and love." MATT; As opposed to the fighter of bubbles and asparagus. >There is a crash and the teacher whirls around and finds that Serena has fainted. CLOUD AND CALLIE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! SEPHIROTH: I forgot you two don't like Usagi. >Walking home, Serena does not know about what happened or why she fainted. All she can think about was how that story seemed familiar. MATT: (Usagi) Gee, I must have watched it on TV! SELPHIE: (same) That sounds like my life story! Except my name is Sera Muun! >Deep in thought, Serena does not notice the small cluster of cats at he end of her driveway. SELPHIE: HE end? SEPHIROTH: Driveways are hermaphroditical? >She trips over a dark black on and the cat cries out. "You can talk!", cries Serena. CLOUD: (cat) no, dumbass! You stepped on me, of course I'm crying out in pain! >"Yes we can", she replies."My name is Lunita, and this is Io, Artimesa, Flame and Dunken. (Dead silence.) CALLIE: LUNITA? Who is that, Luna's Hispanic cousin? SEPHIROTH: And Artimisa? Who's that, Artemis' evil female clone? SELPHIE: DUNKEN DONUTS! >We are looking for the ones named Serena, Lita, Mina, Ami and Raye." "That's us!" cried Serena! CALLIE: Yay! NOT! >"Welcome back SailorMoon." said Lunita. "I am your cat guardian. CLOUD: **darkly** Luna is no longer with us. >"Welcome back SailorMercury." said Dunken, "I am your guardian cat." MATT: ohh, I get it! DUNK-en. Like you DUNK things in water. And Mercury has water powers! (Everyone stares at Matt) MATT: Errrmmm, nevermind. >"Welcome back SailorMars." said Flame, "I am your guardian pet." SEPHIROTH: Phobos and Deimos died in a tragic ofuda-waving accident. >"Welcome back SailorJupiter." said Io, "I am your guardian friend." CALLIE: A special friend on lonely nights? CLOUD: (nauseated) SHUT UP! >"Welcome back SailorVenus." said Artimesa, "I am your guardian forever." SELPHIE: (Minako) That's what Artemis said, right before he left me for that shapeshifting, cat-loving hermaphrodite! **sob** KEIRA: I SAID: never, NEVER mention Oscar in here! (A flock of seagulls and A Flock Of Seagulls both fly through the air and mess up Selphie's hair) SELPHIE: HEY! (the birds and the band disappear) KEIRA: That was just a warning. >"We will help you in your quest." explained Lunita. "Stay still so we can refresh your memories." said Io. CALLIE: (Random Senshi) oooh! Spa trip! >"Cat Power Remember!" they say in unison. MATT: That...just plain blew it. >All of a sudden the girls are flooded with memories from the Silver Millenium to their final battle. (Chibiusa walks back in with a determined scowl on her face.) CALLIE: Hey there, Chibiusa-chan! CHIBIUSA: I...must...riff...this. >After about five minutes they snap back to reality. CLOUD: **snort** In this fic? Not bloody likely. >"It is good to have you back." said Lunita. "Where is Darien?!" says Serena frantically. ALL: WHO CARES? CHIBIUSA: Maybe Mamoru knows! >"We have not located him as yet." said Lunita. "But I feel we are very close." "Why did you bring us back?" asked Lita. SEPHIROTH: (Lunita) Because otherwise this fic wouldn't have been even REMOTELY like Sailor Moon! >"We have located a Negaverse operation and we need your help to defeat them." replied Io. "Yes of course!" replies Serena, "but how do we transform?" "Serena transforms by saying, 'Moon Galactic Transform!', and the rest of you transform by saying your planet plus 'Cosmic Transform." The words were hardly out of Lunita's mouth when CALLIE: ...Woody Allen came running across where they were with a gigantic female breast bouncing after him? CLOUD: Whoaaaa...! SEPHIROTH: Disgusting AND obscure! >a dark cloud covered the downtown area. a long funnel appeared and revealed two strange looking women. "What a wonderful planet to feast on, and lots of energy too." said the taller one looking around. "Yes Mother," said the other one, "this should set our needs perfectly." MATT: IT'S CHRISTINE AND BELINDA FRIEDRICH! >"Who are you?" asked Serena, a little bewildered. "Us?" asked the mother,"I am Queen Ruby of Aaron, and this is my daughter Princess Alexandria. We are hear to steal your energy." "Not if I can help it", said Serena, CLOUD: But she wasn't...LISTENING. **rimshot** MATT; Shut up. >"Moon Galactic Transform!" CHIBIUSA: Screw you! >"Mercury Cosmic Transform!" "Mars Cosmic Transform!" "Jupiter Cosmic Transform!" "Venus Cosmic Transform!" Scout Power!" CALLIE: Moon Cosmic Transform Scout Power? CHIBIUSA: I wonder if I can stab myself with my own hair. >"I am SailorMoon and in the name love I will punish you!" CALLIE: And in the name Bianca I will punish you! SEPHIROTH: And in the name Francoise I will punish you! CLOUD: An din the name Jared I will punish you! MATT: And in the name Leroy I will punish you! SELPHIE: And in the name Eleanor I will punish you! CHIBIUSA: And in the name Seigfried I will punish you! >"Not hardly!" said SailorVenus. MATT; So now Venus and Moon are enemies? >"Cupid's Arrow Strike on behalf of Venus!" As she was saying this a arrow materialized out of the air and she threw it at Ruby. But it shattered against the invisible shield that surrounded them. SELPHIE: They've got anti-stupidity shielding! >"You will pay for even trying that!" called Ruby. "I will sacrifice your friend." With that she chased SailorMoon into a corner. "Stop on behalf on love!" called a voice. ALL: ~ Stop in the naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame of loooooooooooooooove...before you breeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaak my heeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrt! ~ >A shadow dropped from from a roof top. "What do you want?" asked Ruby. "You will never harass my allies a long as I live. I am SailorHeart and in the name of friendship and love, I will punish you!" replied the voice, MATT: (Ruby) yeah, yeah, friendship and love, blah blah, get in line. >stepping out of the shadows. She had red hair and a golden tiara with a heart shaped red center. Her weapon was a silver staff with a red heart at the top. She also had a suit that looked alot like Mars'. CLOUD: Does that mean she was naked? CALLIE: No, it just means she was a ripoff. >"Then you shall die!" said Ruby. "Not so long as there are my friends to protect!" called the stranger. SELPHIE: (sarcastically) Oh, yes, Amber and the Sailor Senshi are very close, personal friends. >She raised her staff above her head and called out "Sweetheart Meditation!" zapping the queen away. CHIBIUSA: Right, it's that easy. **snort** >Ruby said "You are not done wth me!" and disappeared with her daughter. SEPHIROTH: The Goofy Meter exploded on this puppy. >"Wow, you saved us", said SailorMoon,"will you help us fight the evil beings from Aaron?" CLOUD: (Amber) Duhhh, I just did! >"No", said SailorHeart, "I fight alone." CHIBIUSA: Which is why you just saved 'em? >"Will you tell us who you are?" asked SailorJupiter. CLOUD: (Amber) SailorHeart! CALLIE: Jupiter) Duhh? CLOUD: (Amber) SailorHeart! CALLIE: (Jupiter) Duhh? CLOUD: (Amber) **sigh** >"I will tell you when the time comes." said SailorHeart. With that she disappeared in flurry of hearts leaving the SailorScouts only to wonder. MATT: ...why she ripped off Zoicite's exit stuff, replacing the cherry blossoms with hearts. CLOUD: that's it, folks! (Everyone cheers and leaves the theater)