>Helo, first i would like to inrtoduce my self. CALLIE: (Austin Powers) Allow myself to introduce...myself. >My name is Sailor Lve. At least that is my alias. MATT: (Sailor Lve) There are those who call me Tim. >This is my first lemon so please go easy on >me. SELPHIE: Doesn't that sentence actually sound kinda dirty? (Everyone pauses, thinks, and slowly nods their heads thoughtfully.) >it very good i promise. CLOUD: (Margaret Cho) Dreenk Vitasoy, ees guud for yuu! >Lve Potion #9 CALLIE: Hey, I like that movie. SEPHIROTH: Um, is this guy's "o" key not working, or what? >Prt 1 MATT: (sarcastically) Oh, good, the whole thing's abbreviated. I'm so glad. >King Damand sat on his throne CALLIE: Sat on his throne! Sat on his throne, goddammit! SEPHIROTH: Huh? CALLIE: I'm demanding! (Everyone groans) >on the negaverse scowling into his wine gobblett. CLOUD: What's he doing with a baby turkey? **rimshot** >Those pesky sailors had beaten him again, MATT: ~ Be all that you can be ~ CALLIE: Damn, I hate that US Marine Corps commercial where the guy starts out fighting the dragon. I thought it was gonna be something COOL! >they were so annoying. SELPHIE: Only in the dub! CALLIE: No, Ami's annoying. CLOUD: So's Usagi. SEPHIROTH: And Chibiusa. CALLIE: THEY ARE NOT! (She leaps up and goes into The Position.) Ai to seigno! Bishoujo senshi serra fuku, SAILORMOON! Tsuki ni kawatte- CLOUD: (cutting her off) You-can-go-and-blow! CALLIE: Oh, funny. (She sits back down in a huff. Matt hugs her.) SEPHIROTH: Callie, who's your favorite Senshi, anyways? CALLIE: Venus. CLOUD: Figures. >he wanted sailor moon also, >so bad, SELPHIE: ...but don't we all? CALLIE: NO, DAMMIT! Demando wanted NEO-QUEEN SERENITY, not Sailormoon! He didn't even know they were the same person until they met personally late in Sailormoon R! MATT: Wow, you know a lot. >she was so pretty with the golden hair CLOUD: (stage-whispering to the audience) It's a WIG! >and red meatball things SELPHIE: Chibiusa dumped her spaghetti on Usagi's head. >and blue eyes as blue as MATT: ...something that was really really blue. >the sky above nemises. CALLIE: I want Matt, he's so pretty with the black hair and the breaker clothes and eyes as brown as the sky above Los Angeles. MATT: Oh, California humor. How droll :P >he drank his wine SEPHIROTH: (Demando, spitting out wine and sputtering) GAAACK! Did Safirru get drunk and piss in the wine casks again? SELPHIE: (Saffiru) Sorry... CALLIE: Too bad it's not beer. He'd never notice. MATT: Yeah, might improve the taste, even. >and smashed the gobblett onto the floor. CLOUD: Animal abuse! He's killing baby turkeys in cold blood! SEPHIROTH: Okay, enough with the damn turkey jokes. >Black lady glared at him. CALLIE: (Black Lady) That's the Christmas glassware I got at Arby's! >'i have to clean that up you know!' she sad. ALL: US TOO! CLOUD: Nah, this fic is sadder. >Damand shrugged and ran CALLIE: ...the spelling and grammar check. SEPHIROTH: Yeah, we wish. >a hadn throuh his blueish hair. SELPHIE: He's like one of those old ladies with the blue hair! MATT: Do those really exist? CALLIE: Yeah, but I've only seen one in my whole life, and it was in France. (Silence.) MATT: Figures. >' send in emeraldas!' SEPHIROTH: (Demando) And tell her to bring that Quasimodo guy, too! MATT: ~ Send in the clowns... ~ >he sad. CALLIE: Sounds like the Prozac shipment to Nemesis is late again. >Black lady obeyed with a tiny little bow. CLOUD: (Black Lady, as high and squeaky as possible) Haaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiii domo! >someday she would hurt him. CALLIE: Demando was not worried by this, because pretty much everyone he'd ever met had said the exact same thing. >Emerald bowed down at his feet SELPHIE: --got on her knees, unzipped his fly- CLOUD: --and pulled out a rabbit! >and kissed his shous. CALLIE: Callie rolled on the ground with pain and vomited all over the fanfic. >' yes my lord? master of my soul? signer of my paychecks?' MATT: The Bozo to my Clown? The Jumbo to my Shrimp? CALLIE: The Sailor to my- CLOUD: Annh annh AAAAaaaanhhh... CALLIE: Oh, go boil your face. >' go get me a way to make SELPHIE: (Demando_ --really good pot brownies. MATT: Hey, I could give him that. SEPHIROTH: Is it a hard recipe? MATT: No, it's pretty easy. SEPHIROTH: Okay, so what's the secret to making really good pot brownies? MATT: Simple! Skip the brownies. >sailor moon fall CLOUD: (Demando) -down, and break her skull open all over the pavement like a ripe and slightly rotting melon. SEPHIROTH: (patting Cloud's head) It's okay, man. It's okay. >in lve MATT: Lve? What is lve? SELPHIE: I don't know, honestly. CALLIE: Well, it's something you fall in...maybe it's another word for "hole". ALL: Hmmm... >with me.' CLOUD: They want to fall in the hole together? That's so sweet! >Emrald SELPHIE: New character? CALLIE: Emeraldas and Emrald, Esmeraude's twisted half-sisters. MATT: I thought everyone in Nemesis was everyone else's twisted half- sister. >stared up at him, hurt in her green eyes. SEPHIROTH: (Esmeraude) SO you DON'T like my new haircut?! >' i thought you lved me!' SELPHIE: (Demando) Yeah, last night when we were playing Hide-the- Salami. Now piss off! >' i do, i lve you like a servant! CALLIE: Matt, how do you love me? (Matt whispers something in her ear. Callie's eyes open wide, she blushes slightly, and giggles.) CLOUD: Knowing you two I can only imagine it has something to do with hamster porn. >now go.' ' no.' ' wat?' ' no! ALL: HELL NO, WE WON'T GO! HELL NO, WE WON'T GO! >not unitl you make passionate lve to me.' CALLIE: Trading business and professional integrity for sexual favors, I see. SEPHIROTH: Hey, politicians do it all the time. >Damand sighed. CLOUD: (Demando) What, again?! SELPHIE: (Demando_ Ho-hum, a beautiful woman who's completely devoted to me trying to have sex with me AGAIN. SEPHIROTH: How awful. MATT: Indeed. >he decided he wod. after all, she had the biggest vw bugs this side of nemses. CALLIE: Demando, don't you know there's more to a girl than the car she drives? >he like squeexing them SEPHIROTH: Demando believed in giving cars as much love as possible. SELPHIE: Tragically, his life ended when he attempted to sing a sonnet of adoration to a monster truck. >and making honking noses. CLOUD: Demando's side job, other being a king from a renegade planet and a complete and utter- CALLIE: -smeghead? CLOUD: --megalomaniac was making various accessories for clowns. MATT: He was absolutely unparalleled in the field of spinning bowties and firecracker pants. >he made lve to her. SEPHIROTH: (deadpan) The height of emotionality at the time was enough to make a grown man weep. MATT: The grammar does that, too. >at the same time Malachete was watching with envy. CALLIE: From where, heaven?! >King Damand was his! MATT: Considering that he was dead and in love with Zoicite after all. SELPHIE: That, and if it's "Malachite", he's not gay. >how dare that little slut steal his 1st lve! SEPHIROTH: Uh oh O_O Nobody tell Zoicite! CLOUD: Esmeraude had stolen his car, his money, his clothes, and his autographed picture of Billy Joel as well. >Allan patted his frend on the shoulder. ' don't worry, there is always me.' CALLIE: (Ail) Yeah, WE can have sex, even though you're dead, I'm good, and we don't know each other! >' wat about Ann?' SELPHIE: (Ail) What about her? >' she is shopping with jadite, nephrite and zoy. CALLIE: (looking enraged) ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY'RE ALL DEAD EXCEPT FOR AN AND NEPHRITE AND ZOICITE HATED EACH OTHER AND JADEITE, NEPHRITE, AND ZOICITE DON'T KNOW AN! CLOUD: Whoa, calm down there. >they will not be back for a while.' ' that's right i hope zoy bot me that piggy bank i wanted.' SELPHIE: I have a feeling this fic is satire. SEPHIROTH: Thank god. >the two went off into the sectons of the castle. MATT: Talk about the odd couple. >***** Emerald was walking down tokyo. SELPHIE: Blowing up huge chunks of city as she went along, causing massive destruction and widespread havoc and having a simply WONDERFUL time... >she was looking for a place where they selled lve potions. SEPHIROTH: Ooh, yeah, those are just all OVER the damn place. **rolls eyes** >she spotted a place calls Lve Potions >inside! Emerald payed the taxi driver SELPHIE: (Driver) Ooooh, show me your breasts again, pret-ty la-DEE! >and stepped out of the moving vheicle. CLOUD: She was promptly run over. >she was so hapy Damand made lve to her that she was going to make sure he had the time of his >life with serentiy. CALLIE: Wow, that's really nice of her O_O >then she would kill the little blond witch. CALLIE: Um, or not. >when inside she saw all sorts of bottles. big, little, sqare,holed. SELPHIE: Well, I would hope so. MATT: (continuing) ...purple, broken, shaped like Rick Moranis... >she couldn't decide. SELPHIE: They're all love potions! PICK ONE! >she picked up a big one CALLIE: The size and shape reminded her of her favorite little friend back home- CLOUD: NO CALLIE: --it vibrated- CLOUD: CALLISTA! CALLIE: --her Tickle Me Elmo! Jeez, what are YOU talking about? CLOUD: Phew. CALLIE: Her vibrator was much bigger. (Cloud smacks his forehead in frustration.) >andbegan to walk out. the guy stopped her and told her to pay for the perfume. Emerald smiled and tooked off her dress. (Matt shrieks a little and hides his head in Callie's lap. Sephiroth turns his head away and shudders, and Cloud bursts into hysterical tears.) CALLIE: (staring) Wow... SELPHIE: (also entranced) Yup... CALLIE: Oh my god... SELPHIE: Do they eventually look like that? CALLIE: I don't think they're supposed to. SELPHIE: (Still staring) Jeez... CALLIE: (also still staring) Yeah, wow... KEIRA: Will you boys stop being such wussies and just watch the damn fic?! CLOUD: **sniffle** That was so WRONG. MATT: (muffled) Callie, can I come out now? CALLIE: Yes, dear. (she pats his head) SEPHIROTH: Good LORD, that was GROSS! >the guy screamed and passes out. ALL: WE UNDERSTAND THAT! >Emerald, mad, went outsied and went up to the negaverse. CALLIE: So, we have Malachite, Alan, Demando, and Emerald on Nemesis which is also in the Negaverse. (Everyone nods.) CALLIE: This is really bad. >there she sprayed some on the sleeping Damand and smiled, SELPHIE: (Esmeraude) Hee hee hee...this acid will eat through his skin and he'll die in horrible, agonizing misery! CLOUD: (Esmeraude) Yippee skippee! >maybe he would make lve to her again. SEPHIROTH: **shudder** Poor Demando... >she tied him to the bed and giggled. this wod be very fun. ALL: NO IT WILL NOT! >**** ' in the name of sailor moon....' sad Usagi MATT: Jeez, they've gotten really egotistical, haven't they? >'mars' sad Raye. 'jupiter,' sad Lita ' venus,' sad Mina. CALLIE: There's a dimension-wide Prozac deficit! >there was no word from amy. SEPHIROTH: Few things are better than that. >they all looked back. CLOUD: ...on their lives, and they had been FILLED with fanfiction like this, and it was so pathetic that they all committed suicide and the story ended. SELPHIE: I WISH. EVERYONE ELSE: Us, too. >amy was making out with sailor uranus and >neptune. CALLIE: HARUKA-SAMA! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN REDUCED TO? **sob** MATT: It's only a fanfic... >' amy!' serena sad, ' pay attention!' ' sorry, were was we?' CLOUD: Well, we all wasn't studyifying that there grammar of ourses. >' in the name of,' oh, in the name of mercury,' sad amy. ' in the name of saturn,' sad emily. MATT: ~ Emily tries, but misunderstands...She's often inclined to borrow somebody's dreams 'til tomorrow... ~ CLOUD: Ten bucks to anyone who gets that! >( i don't know there reall names so i'm making them up :)) SELPHIE: And that is why you have no friends. >' in the name of uranus,' sad Susie. SELPHIE: Susie Derkins! MATT: I can imagine Calvin in a fuku, but not Hobbes. CALLIE: Yeah, Hobbes is Tuxedo Kamen. >' in the name of mine!' sad sailor neptune. CALLIE: Yeah, that is one really sad portrayal of Sailor Neptune. >the scouts giggled. SEPHIROTH: They're really cultured. >' guys,' sad Juniper. SEPHIROTH: Why, Mako-chan, are you embracing nature? >' sorru, in the name of neptune,' Christy sad. ' and pluto!' sad Tina. CALLIE: (looking demented) Emily, Susie, Christy, and Tina! The Outer Sailor Scouts, everyone! (She curls up in the fetal position on Matt's lap) SEPHIROTH: Matt, why don't you take her out of here? MATT: Good idea. (He picks Callie up and walks out. The other resume reading the fanfic.) >' and star maker,' sad Tomas SELPHIE: Sailor English Muffin! >' star healer,' sad George (he's so cute!) SEPHIROTH: George Clooney in a fuku?! Eeeewwww... >' star fighter,' sad John. ' and finally in the name of lve!' sad Juniper. The new scout. CLOUD: That's lamer than Zodiac Senshi. >she was the ruler of the all moon kingdom and the other planets in the milky way. SELPHIE: Someone better tell Neo-Queen Serenity. >she was even more powerful then serena and was the true lve of Damand. CLOUD: Now, THERE'S a title to be proud of. Not. >Even though he did not know it yet. ' we'll punnish you!' they all sad together and posed. SEPHIROTH: Backs arched, cleavage heaving, stomachs bared, legs open... >the monster shot energy at sailor moon. she screamed and dodged. sailor lve ran up and >protected her. then she glared at the monster. SELPHIE: (Sailor Lve) You are a fingle-dingle ninny-faced poo-poo-head, and I do not like you. >' you are so beutiful sailor lve.' sad a familar voice. SEPHIROTH: Satan! >they looked and saw Darain in his tuxedo costume. SEPHIROTH: WORSE! >serena began to cry. CLOUD: So what else is new? >' i thought you lved me! all those times we made lve.' ' i made lve with everybody serena,' SEPHIROTH: (Tuxie) Haruna-sensei, Shingo, Umino, Naru, Yuuchirou, Rei's grandfather, Professor Tomoe... SELPHIE: (Tuxie) ...Tamasaburo, Motoki, Ruruna, Naruru, ChibiChibi, Peruru... CLOUD: Guys... SEPHIROTH: ...Badianu, Kakeru, Diana, Queen Beryl, Makoto's sempai- SELPHIE: ...Fiore, all the youma and daimons, Sailor Aluminum Siren, Keiko Tomoe- CLOUD: Guys...! SEPHIROTH: Himeko! SELPHIE: Kenji Tsukino! SEPHIROTH: Reika! SELPHIE: Kotono! SEPHIROTH: All the nuns at T*A Academy! SELPHIE: Nehelenia! SEPHIROTH: Ginger Spice! CLOUD: SHUT THE FUCK UP! (Dead silence.) CLOUD: Thank you. >Susie, Tina, Amy and John giggled. SELPHIE: They were on acid. >Tuxedo mask bowed to them SEPHIROTH; (Darien; bent over) Hey, John, remember this? CLOUD: SEPHIROTH! >and kissed salior lve on the lips, then Susie, Tina, Amy and John. CLOUD: Anyone else thinks there's some Susie, Tina, Amy, and John favoritism going on? SELPHIE: Susie-good, Tina-okay, Amy-blecch, John-eeeeeeeew! >he tried to pinch George on the way out but SEPHIROTH; --the store alerts on the way out caught him shoplifting. >the star slipped out of his hold like a fish. CLOUD: (slyly) Like a scent so strong as to catch a fighting carp? SEPHIROTH; **gasp** DON'T SAY THAT, YOU IDIOT! >' don't worry,' Juniper said, ' he lvs you. SELPHIE: (Juniper) I know so. He told me last night in bed. >he's just confused.' CLOUD: There's a difference between 'confused" and "insane". SEPHIROTH: No happy medium? SELPHIE: Callie's the happy medium. >' your so beautiful,' ' i know. but your pretty to!' CLOUD: Well, that was random. SEPHIROTH: (hopefully) Maybe it'll be a lesbian lemon. >' ok, i'm better now. lets beet this monster!' SEPHIROTH: (Sailor Moon) We'll beet it before another decides to turnip! (Selphie and Cloud groan.) (Matt and Callie walk back in and sit down) >' moon tiara majic!' CALLIE: Sim sim salabim! >' jupiter thunder blast.' SEPHIROTH: By the power of Greyskull! >' venus crescent v blast' CLOUD: Thing Ring, do your thing! >' murcury bubbles blast.' MATT: Thunder...THUNDER...THUNDERCATS, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SELPHIE: (Venus) Who are you calling a ho?! >' mars fire ignite!' SELPHIE: WONDER TWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE! >( again i'm making up the attacks for the outers) CALLIE: (sarcastically) Oh, goody. >' saturn happy sugar blast!' MATT: (Saturn) YAY! I'm the soldier of death and rebirth and I like pretty shiny things la la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaa! YIPPEEEEEEEE! >' uranus pretty kitty blast.' CALLIE: Well, Haruka does like pu- CLOUD: NO! >' neptune water blast.' SEPHIROTH: (Neptune) Invited by a new age, Sailor Neptune fights for elegance! I will aim the hose at you! >' pluto key blast.' ' star gentel uterus!' ' star blazing inferno.' CALLIE: Star-I'm-pulling-these-out-of-my-ass! >' star i need to call my lawyer!' MATT: You better. >' star fighter!' they scramed. SELPHIE and CALLIE: (Starhealer and Starmaker) THAT WAS NOT FUNNY! >' ha ha ha. just kidding, star fighing lights.' ' lve conquors all!' CLOUD: From what I've seen in this fic, it's more like idiocy conquers all. >sailor lve lifted her septer with the heart on the end and touched the >monesters forehead. MATT: (Sailor Lve) I dub thee ruler- CLOUD: (Sailor Lve) -of the Vanilla Ice Fan Club- SEPHIROTH: (Sailor Lve) -Loving, Texas chapter. >he crumbled into dust. Then the scouts starred at the burning house. ' perfect! Perfect! Burn the place! Burn everything we own! CALLIE: **shrieking gasp** LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! CLOUD: (Callie, mockingly) Wai wai! Watashi wa otaku desu! CALLIE: (cheerfully) Not in hell, Chocobo Head. >Have us sleeping in the feild like cattle!" " You thought you could have it all." >" Oh, shut up Louis." MATT: (Lestat) Even Anne Rice doesn't like you anymore. Don't open your fat Louisiana trap. >------------ Diamond felt somewhat, well, violated. SELPHIE: (severely) Matt, what did you do to him? MATT: Why, nothing this week-HEY! >He opened his eyes and wondered what could be >giving him this feeling. MATT: ~ I can't stop this feeeeling, deep inside of me....girl you just don't realize what you do to me... ~ >His purple eyes flicked about his chambers. CLOUD: Neato, they bounce. >Same lush bed, same roaring fireplace. Same Madonna calendar hanging from the wall. CALLIE: Same S&M rack in the corner... SEPHIROTH: Same complete collection of Milli Vanilli... CLOUD: Same macaroni-and-cheese encrusted dinner dishes piled in a ceiling-high stack... MATT: Same Britney Spears poster with mysterious stains on it hanging on the wall... SELPHIE: Same Ayanami Rei costume in the closet... >Diamond frowned as he remembered something, SEPHIROTH: It hurt a lot. >that calendar had come with a pointy cup bra type thing. MATT: As all calendars should. >He hadn't been planning to wear it >himself, ALL: YEAH, RIGHT! SELPHIE: He gonna use it as a planter for his geraniums. SEPHIROTH: Or a handy-dandy Queen Amidala headpiece for his Halloween costume. >not often anyway, but it had turned up missing just two days ago, he wondered what had happened >to it. CLOUD: Well, all I know for sure is that whenever I wake up feeling violated, the first I do is reach for my Madonna bra. >He thought and thought, then remembered, CALLIE: This left him in a paroxysm of pain. >he had put it in his Sailor Moon lunch box. The prince spotted the box on a high shelf. He sat up to get it, no matter how hard he tried, >he couldn't reach up that far. CLOUD: Uh, Demando, ol' buddy, It COULD be because you're tied down... >Then he saw the golden ropes tying him to the bed. Oh, that would explain a lot. MATT: Thank you, Captain Obvious. >Diamond struggled against his bonds. MATT: (Demando) Confounded duct tape! >"Don't worry, love, you won't be able to get out of it anytime soon," CLOUD: They're talking about the fic, right? >a sultry voice SELPHIE: Rest assured, folks, whoever this is, it ain't Richard Simmons! >whispered in his ear. It was followed by a ear splitting, annoying laugh. CLOUD: Oh my god! It's Callie! (Callie kicks him) >Diamond turned his head CALLIE: ...completely around, and barfed pea soup all over the place. >to see Emerald lying next to him. ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SEPHIROTH: Good LORD, that's a lousy way to wake up! CALLIE: Oh, I think she's quite pretty ^_^ (Everyone gives Callie a weird look, then edges away from her.) >About two pounds of her plastic surgery induced chest >sprawled across the pillow. (All the men gag.) >He was staring at her, eyes wide. CALLIE: (Demando) Can I touch them? SEPHIROTH: (Demando) Didn't I tell you never to interrupt me when I'm contemplating the disappearance of my Madonna bra?! >She had never been this, well, bold before. "I brought you a love potion perfume," she said, "Serenity should fall in love with you the >instant she sees you." SELPHIE: (Esmeraude) For some reason I could not be happier about this! >Diamond was still staring at her as if CALLIE: ...she had just announced her engagement to Motoki. SEPHIROTH: ...she was lying next to him topless after tying him down. Oh, wait... CLOUD: ...she was wearing a suit made of ducks. MATT: ...she had asked him if he ever had that not-so-fresh feeling. SELPHIE: ...she had said Britney Spears was an artist of great integrity. >she'd grown horns. Emerald giggled and ran her fingers >down the prince's bare chest. CLOUD: (Esmeraude) God, that tattoo of David Lee Roth is turning me on...! >The realization that they were both naked sent a rush of MATT: ...fear? SELPHIE: Nausea! >adrenaline through his body. SEPHIROTH: SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGE! >His pupils dilated CALLIE: Esmeraude had slipped him a few roofies. >and his tongue snaked out to lick CLOUD: AUGH! (Everyone ducks) >suddenly dry lips. ALL: PHEW! >Then he began to scream and writhe, MATT: Oh yeah, Demando, just GIVE her what she wants! >trying to break through the >ropes. "SOMEBODY GET ME OUTTA HERE!" he screamed. ALL: US TOO! >The ropes snapped free and he dashed out the >room. He ran back in a second later, SELPHIE: (Demando) Changed my mind. MATT: (Demando) Oh yeah, I'm naked! >making Emerald's face light with hope. MATT: ~ Would you light my candle...? ~ >It darkened when he grabbed his lunch box and ran out >again. CLOUD: (Demando) Hate to eat and run, but... >Emerald growled. (All make cat noises) >"I'm gonna get you Diamond-sama!" SELPHIE: (Esmeraude, Elmer Fudd) I'll get you, you wascally wabbit! >she giggled and rolled out of bed. CALLIE: (Esmeraude's boobs) **squish** **slosh** **splat** (Everyone else gags again) >----- Diamond looked through the halls panting. Nope, no sign of her anywhere. He rested against the wall, wincing at the coldness of it against his bare skin. He needed >help, CALLIE: I'll say! >but how could he face anybody in this....unclothed state? Then he got an idea. CLOUD: This finally unmanned him, and he completely passed out. >He clicked open the lunchbox and pulled out the Madonna bra. CALLIE: Oh yeah, that's gonna help. SELPHIE: Well, it does depend on how he wears it...**giggle** SEPHIROTH: You are a freak. >It fit around his waist just perfectly. ALL: O_O MATT: So he...! ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! KEIRA: Ugh...I'm putting this on audio, not visual! CLOUD: Oh, thank god. >Diamond was so proud of himself. SEPHIROTH: (Demando) It's big enough to touch the bottom of the cup! >--- Sapphire was inspecting the gallery when an intriguing smell reached him. MATT: (Saffiru) EEEEEEEEEEEEW! Rubeus, did you forget to flush AGAIN?! >It smelled faintly of... CALLIE: Limburger cheese! SEPHIROTH: Raw sewage! CLOUD: Spoiled milk! MATT: Rotten eggs! SELPHIE: Sweaty armpits! >cloves and lilac. He closed his eyes and inhaled. Delicious. SELPHIE: (singsong) Delicious, nutritious, and good-for-you too! >He wondered if Emerald CLOUD: ...had rolled in something. >was wearing new perfume. He followed the smell until he reached the >source then he opened his eyes. CALLIE: (Demando) Saffiru! Get your nose out of my butt! CLOUD: CALLISTA! >Sapphire found himself looking into gorgeous purple eyes set like gems in a pale face >surrounded by a mane of white hair. The man was so beautiful and smelled....so good. He was saying something about Emerald trying to eat him. SEPHIROTH: I bet she is. (Cloud moans.) >Sapphire grinned stupidly. MATT: (Saffiru) Duuuuuh, me want screw brother... >"What's wrong with you?" Diamond asked. ALL: HE'S IN A CRAPPY FANFIC! >"You're so beautiful!" Sapphire said, ALL: ~ You are so beautiful.... ~ MATT: ~ To family members... ~ >" I must make you mine! ALL MINE!! >KYAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" CLOUD and SEPHIROTH: Scarlet?! >Diamond shrieked rather girlishly SELPHIE: As all quasi-evil, potential rapist megalomaniacs do. >and began to run away. "Come back here my darling! I know your playing hard to get!" SEPHIROTH: (Demando) Or I could just not want to be laid by my brother, asswipe! >------- Darien was having those dreams about Serena again. CALLIE: The ones he always woke up soaking wet from. >If only he could forget them, maybe the two could lead semi normal lives. MATT: ~ I want something else to get through this semi-charmed kind of life... ~ >Yeah, as the future king and queen. He rested his chin on his knuckles and CLOUD: ...accidentally punched a big hole in his face. >gazed at the >fountain. Water leapt from the cherub at the top and fell into the basin below in a >glittering arch. Suddenly Darien smelled... CALLIE: Diana accidentally peed on his leg. >lilac...or was that cloves? He couldn't tell. Maybe it was Serena's new perfume. MATT: Eau de Rabbit Poop >He smiled, such a beautiful, dainty, feminine scent. SEPHIROTH; So he had a smelly smile? CLOUD: Yep, he must have been drinking perfume. >A man wearing something that >appeared to be a bra strapped around his waist ran up to him. SELPHIE: Happens to me all the time. MATT: (Demando) Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? >"Please! Kill me! ALL: NO, KILL US! >Do anything, just.... CLOUD: (Demando) Just don't try to have sex with me! >stop him!" Darien nodded vaguely as the man gestured over his shoulder at something. Darien's face split CALLIE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! >into a smile, CALLIE: Oh. Darn! >the light sheen of sweat on the white haired man's brow made Darien fall in love with him >instantly. MATT: So he has a perspiration fetish? Yecch! >"Tee hee!" the future king of the solar system said, "Come here my wittle pumkin!" SEPHIROTH: Well, what do expect from a king who wears a purple frilly tuxedo? CLOUD: More like the QUEEN of the Solar system. CALLIE: Now we know where Chibiusa's pinkness comes from. >Diamond screamed and took off again. SELPHIE: (Demando) Team Diamond blasting off again! >----- Artemis was talking to the two Starlights now in male form. SEPHIROTH: (Artemis) So, you boys ever heard of Oscar-lovin'? ALL: AAAACK! >It was imperative that >they listen. The information could mean life or death. He wished Yaten would stop fooling around. CALLIE: That little slut... >The shortest one was behind his taller companions and was tying their hair together. "Do you smell," Yaten said suddenly. MATT: I shower daily, thank you. >"Lilacs?" they all said at the same time. SELPHIE: (Yaten) No, wait, Taiki farted again. >Just then Prince Diamond crashed through >the wall SEPHIROTH: (Demando) Me Diamond smash puny wall! >followed closely by a drooling Sapphire and a giggling Darien. MATT: Another typical day in the world of fanfiction. >"OOoohh! Don't leave me! My darling human!" Artemis said, CALLIE: (Artemis) I was only USING Oscar! I really love YOU! >running after the frightened >Diamond. "Wait for us hunny bunny!" the Starlights cried. MATT: Winnie the Pooh lemons?! What the hell????!! >"Aaargh!" Diamond screamed. CALLIE: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SEPHIROTH: AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! CLOUD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGH! MATT: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! SELPHIE: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSEBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD! >" I'm not married....yet!" Sapphire cooed. President Clinton CALLIE and MATT: NO! >was having SELPHIE: ...sex with trailer trash. CLOUD: ...tea with the queen. >his ana....er....annual meet the press thing. It was so boring. MATT: This fic isn't. SELPHIE: Yeah, it's too terrifying to be boring. >"and I think CALLIE: ...fat chicks give better head. SEPHIROTH: Apparently. >that with a new bre...er....budget CLOUD: How do you get "breast" out of "budget"? >plan we could be a but...er better nation. All we have to do is squeeze every cent out and soon money will come gushing in a wide river. SEPHIROTH: Like an anime lemon cliche. >Any questions ladies? I do take them privately....is that lilac I smell?" "HEEEEEEEEEEEELLllllllllllp meeeeeee!" Diamond screamed. MATT: Ooooh, dimensional reality/fantasy time rip. >"I love you big brother!" CALLIE: (Saffiru) You're the best stupid so-called "reality" TV show there is! >"Tee hee! We're destined." SEPHIROTH: TO BE DESTROYED! MWAHAHAHAHAAAA! >"I never loved Oscar!" SELPHIE: (Artemis) That trash can was a total turnoff! >"I'll never turn into a female again!" CALLIE: Yeah, right, RuPaul. >"Ooooh! Cheesy Poofs!" MATT: Oh, god, THERE'S a thought I didn't need! > Suddenly there came a new voice. CLOUD: And it was the voice of Godzilla, who devoured everyone messily and hungrily, splattering gore left and right, biting down on heads like so many cocktail olives, and roared triumphantly into the night sky, his jaws dripping with blood. SEPHIROTH: You know, I really don't appreciate you taking over my "demented psychopath" schtick. >"Want me to show you some nice cigars????" MATT: Insert stereotype here. >------ Diamond woke up in a sweat. SELPHIE: (Demando) What am I doing on the sweat? I thought I fell asleep in bed... CALLIE: His hand on Saffiru's ass, Mamoru sucking on his toes in his sleep, the Three Lights all draped over him in various obscene positions, Artemis curled up on his you-know-what, and Clinton next to him frantically trying to roll a 300-pound transvestite prostitute off him. CLOUD: A person could really have some homicidal thoughts about you, missy. CALLIE: But it's the truth! >He looked around, no cords holding him, no bra around his middle. SEPHIROTH: No need for Tenchi! MATT: Nno need for this fic! >Just his room. MATT: ~ Our house...in the middle of our street... ~> >He lay back down and SELPHIE: ...asked Esmeraude if it was good for her, too >calmed his breathing. CLOUD: (Demando; soothing) Shhh, there, there...there, there... >That was it. CALLIE: The author HAD to die. >That was the last time he ate anchovy pizza with extra cheese before he went to bed. SEPHIROTH: I am so sick of that kind of joke. >He spotted a perfume bottle and almost screamed, SELPHIE: Due to his experience with such severe traumas, Demando was permanently scarred and developed an intense fear of inanimate objects. CALLIE: So sad. What's on MTV? >then he realized that it was just his >cologne. CALLIE: (Kevin MacDonald) His cologne...of ULTIMATE EVIL! >His normal cologne. SEPHIROTH: Eau de Badger? Good taste there, buddy. >His skilled eyes caught a shadow in the room. MATT: (Demando's eyes) AHA! Gotcha now! CLOUD: Bet it's Esmeraude. >It was more solid then the others. CLOUD: (Esmeraude) **gasp** Are you calling me FAT?! >"Who are you and what are you doing in my room?" SELPHIE: And what is your quest and what is your favorite color? >Whoever it was came and sat on the >edge of his bed. MATT: And bounced! CLOUD: (Whoever) Ooooh, springy good fun! >"Hmmm, the wine has no taste for you any more does it? The food sickens you...and there seems, no reason for any of it." The voice had a slight French accent and it was obviously male. (Callie is drooling uncontrollably) MATT: LOOK OUT! It's Kirsten Dunst with two little dead boys! ALL: The book was better. CALLIE: Fuckin' Tom Cruise. >Before Diamond could speak, the voice continued. "But what if I could give it back to you? MATT: ~ I will buy you a garden, where your flowers can bloom...I will buy you a new car, perfect shiny and new...I will buy you that big house way up in the west hills...I will buy you a new life, yes I will! ~ CLOUD: Little showoff. MATT: For an encore I beatbox and stand on my head ^_^ >Pluck out the pain SELPHIE: No thanks, my eyebrows are fine. >and give you a new life? One that you could never imagine?" "No thank you." CALLIE: YOU IDIOT! HE'S GONNA- >"Oh well. You can't win them all." The man embraced Diamond in a crushing show of >strength and bit his neck. When the man was dead, the vampire wiped his mouth. CALLIE: See? I tried to warn him... CLOUD: (Lestat) Mmmmm, beefy! SEPHIROTH: (Jimmy Dean) MORE PORK! JIMMY DEAN WANT MORE PORK! SELPHIE: okay...! >He'd always liked the scent of lilac and cloves. MATT: (Lestat) Eeeew, Demando made a stinkie! **hysterical giggle** CLOUD: Are you all right? CALLIE: I dunno...Lestat just seemed a little TOO fascinated by his own bodily functions in Body Thief...it was pretty gross... >This fic has been brought to you by Night~Mare. CALLIE: Eating Pan~Cakes made with Blue~Berries on the Window~Sill... >Naoko Takeuchi owns any one SM related and Anne Rice >owns You-know-who.... MATT: And Louis, too. >Heh.... Until next time... ALL: HOPE NOT!