>Subj: Fwd: ******* God's Simple Plan of Salvation ******* SYLPHA: Nuke the bastards! >Date: 8/29/00 2:34:46 AM Eastern Daylight Time MARCUS: Sorry, I have to wash my hair. Maybe next week, though. >From: The-Good-News---Please-Forward-To-Others-@thanks.com KYUKE: (sarcastically) Gee, I don't think that's the real address... > > > >The gift of God is eternal life in Heaven. RYLAND: And remember: God doesn't like little boys who touch themselves. SHONEN: ~ Merrily to hell I go, hell I go, hell I go! ~ MARCUS: ~ Whacking off just oh so slow, all the live-long day! ~ >He gives the gift of salvation freely to all who ask, no matter how late in their lives nor how sinful they have been. AKU: ...as long as you pay for it. >Nobody is so bad that they can't be saved KYUKE: But what about Britney Spears? >and nobody is so good that they need not be saved. SYLPHA: But what about Robert Smith? >My friend, I am asking you the most important question of life. SHONEN: Potatoes or stuffing? >Your joy or sorrow for all eternity depends upon your answer. SYLPHA: Potatoes, then. >The question is: MARCUS: ...is that a vibrating PlayStation controller in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? >Are you saved? KYUKE: By what again? AKU: God. KYUKE: Ah yes...and who is this "God" again? AKU: A guy. KYUKE: Oh, I see. Do you think he's forgive a part demon-part vampire- part human born in hell under the control of an all-powerful goddess? AKU: I guess if you forward this e-mail to about fifty billion people, he will. KYUKE: I shall rot in joyful Hades. >It's not a question of how good you are, nor if you are a church member, but MARCUS: ...it DOES depend on how good you are WITH your member. RYLAND: Then you have nothing to worry about, dear. **giggle** SHONEN: (making a face) Sheesh, you guys... >are you saved? SHONEN: If I answer you, will you stop asking me that? >are you sure you will go to Heaven when you die? SYLPHA: But we don't BELIEVE in a heaven! >In order to get to Heaven, a place of complete and eternal happiness, God says SYLPHA: (God) Take the bus. >that we must be born again which means to be saved. RYLAND: That would be reincarnation, which is not a principle of Judeo-Christianity. AKU: How do you know? RYLAND: Lots of books on this spaceship. >Nobody is good enough that he or she need not be saved. SHONEN: Nobody is stupid enough that they need that statement repeated eight times. >No matter how many good deeds a person has done or how good morally a person thinks he or she is. Nobody is bad enough that he or she can't be saved. KYUKE: Does that mean we can sin? AKU: I guess so... KYUKE: HOMOSEXUAL ORGY IN FRONT OF GRAVEN IDOLS AT MY PLACE TONIGHT! FREE TATTOOS! WITCHES SUFFERED TO LIVE! RYLAND: Actually, the original line was, "Thou shalt not suffer a POISONER to live"...but I get your point. Can we dishonor our fathers and mothers? SYLPHA: Yup, and steal and have other gods before this dude and all that other fun stuff you're not supposed to do. KYUKE: Bitchin'. >No matter how bad a sin a person has committed or how many sins a person has committed. So don't wait and try to clean yourself up before you get saved SHONEN: (Granny voice) God doesn't like clean little boys! Y'all just roll around in the mud God made! >because you will never be good enough. RYLAND: Gee, there's a self-esteem booster for ya. >Simply come just the way you are. KYUKE: ~ Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be... ~ >Right now, wherever you are, if you say this prayer from your heart and really mean it, SYLPHA: THEN U WILL END UP WITH UR CRUSH!!!!!!!!!! IF U DON'T SEND IT, U WILL HAVE 895897443 YEARZ OF BAD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! SHONEN: Oh, GODDESS don't remind me of that kind of e-mail... >then by His Glorious Grace you will be saved and you will have God's peace. MARCUS: From an e-mail? AKU: This explains why Bill Gates hasn't been struck by lightning yet. >Something that no one can ever take away from you. SYLPHA: Your right to party! >Just pray the following prayer from your heart out loud so that you can hear it with your own ears: AKU: As opposed to hearing it with someone else's ears. >"Dear Jesus, SHONEN: ...I want a pony for Christmas, and a Barbie, and a G.I. Joe, and some Pokemon cards... >I know that I am a sinner. I know that You love me and want to save me. RYLAND: I know what you did last summer. >Jesus, I believe You are the Son of God and that You shed Your precious blood for my sins(past, present and future) while You died on that cross. I believe You arose from the dead. SYLPHA: ~ I believe I can fly...I believe I can touch the sky... ~ KYUKE; ~ I dream about it every night and day...that these goddamn spam e-mails will go away... ~ >Please forgive me of all my sins. RYLAND: It's that easy, eh? MARCUS: (scornfully)Wussy-butt kinda religion. Now, a sect where you have to have tons of kinky sex in order to be permitted to die-THAT is religion! SYLPHA: No, that just proves that all you Keirans are SICK! Sick, sick, SICK! >Please save me and come into my heart and life. SYLPHA: The last time a guy told me that, I ended up knocked up on the side of the road! SHONEN: WHAT?! AKU: NOOO! AYLPHA: ...I'm...kidding...? >I now accept and trust You as my Lord and Saviour. KYUKE: You may now kiss the bride. >Lord Jesus, I thank You for forgiving me and for saving me through Your merciful grace. Amen." ALL: Geshundheit. >If you said that prayer and meant it, God heard you and forgave you. AKU: If not, you're going to hell. Ha ha ha. >You are now a born again Christian saved from Hell and your eternal destiny in Heaven is secure. MARCUS: Wouldn't this be considered a form of reincarnation? HYPOCRISY! HYPOCRISY! >Welcome to the family of God. KYUKE: I'd rather join the Manson family. >The death of Jesus on the cross was the payment for our sins, AKU: ...but the check bounced and the deal was canceled. >the resurrection of Jesus from the grave is our receipt. KYUKE: Will your eternal salvation be bagged in paper or plastic? >Those of you who are still thinking about it, think about this. SYLPHA: "This"? Isn't that a pronoun? >If you refuse to acknowledge what Jesus Christ did for you on that cross you will forever remain in your sins. MARCUS: Rolling deliciously in them! KYUKE: I believe it's too late for us all. Well, me, Marc, and Ryland...the rest of you are straight... >Wouldn't it be terrible to die and go to Hell when all you have to do is accept Jesus Christ as your personal Saviour. AKU: Wouldn't it be terrible to use a question mark. >The choice of where we will spend eternity is before each of us, whether we RYLAND: ...like it or not! >will go to everlasting punishment in Hell or spend eternal life with Jesus Christ in Heaven. SHONEN: (author) but I tell ya, he's a LOUSY roommate! >The Bible says in (John 14:6), Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." MARCUS: (Jesus) So there. Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! BLEEEARGH! >The Bible also says in (Acts 4:12), SYLPHA: ...Scene 3, Row 17, Seat 5... >"Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved." SHONEN: (sarcastically) Well, GOODY. >Even good people, who are respectful towards God still need to come to Jesus as their Lord and Saviour. This passage in the Bible says, "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). AKU: (Sportscaster) Romans 3:23, Notre Dame 4:75...what a game, ladies and gents! >Jesus rules out every other religious system. (An enraged squawk is heard. A lightning bolt hits the screen, sizzling it into dust.) ALL: WOOHOO! KEIRA: Hey, that wasn't me! That was...the MSTier... SYLPHA: YAY, MSTIER! (The fourth wall shakes) KEIRA: Don't do it! (The screen slowly starts regenerating) ALL: DAMN! >He isn't "a" way but "the" way to the Father(God) who is in Heaven. MARCUS: (South Park Jesus) Yea, for I am the way. Let's open up the phone lines for some more calls! >If His plan is not perfectly clear, read this over and over again from the beginning, without laying it down, until you RYLAND: ...are completely brainwashed. >understand it. Your soul is worth more than all the world. KYUKE: Yeah, tell that to Microsoft! >"For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?" MARCUS: His own talk show? >(Mark 8:36). Do not trust your feelings. SYLPHA: But that's not what Obi-Wan Kenobi says! >They change. Stand on God's promises. KYUKE: Stomp on them and squash 'em flat! RYLAND: What promises would those be? "Worship Me or I'll kill you"? >They never change. My friend, please make the same decision I am glad I made and walk through this door of forgiveness before it's eternally too late. SHONEN: Oh...I tried that, but I bumped into the wall. >If you were saved today then I suggest that you get a AKU: ...stack of religious tracts and a sandwich board sign. >New International Version Bible. SYLPHA: Oh, it's trying to sell us something! KYUKE: We might need that if we run outta toilet paper. >The (NIV) Bible is more easy for new Christians to read and understand. RYLAND: (soothing) It has little words and pretty colors. SYLPHA: The NIN Bible is "more easy" to have fun with. KYUKE: The Book of Starfuckers...Noah's Downward Spiral...The Fragile Burning of Sodom and Gonorrhea... RYLAND: **sweatdrop** That's "Gomorrah", not "gonorrhea"... >A good place to start reading the Holy Bible would be the book of John. MARCUS: ON the John! >God's Simple Plan of Salvation KYUKE: Take a gallon of hypocrisy. Mix it in with your average bucketful of lies. Add fifty liters of prejudice, another eighty liters of unjust prosecution, four cups of unnecessary violence, and a pinch of mass hysteria, and BOOM! Judeo-Christian religion. AKU: Oooh, we are gonna get SO flamed... >Click Here - http://pleasevisit.channel.vg SYLPHA: http://www.ridiculousfanaticismis.dum SHONEN: http://www.godhatesyouunlessyouclickhere.haha AKU: http://www.allotherreligionsarestupidandwrong.nyahnyah KYUKE: http://www.jerryfalwellischristreborn.really RYLAND: http://www.weareaqueerfriendlyreligioscommunity.yeahright MARCUS: http://www.theynevertoldyoubutSailorMoonreallyisthemessiah.luna >English - Français - Deutsch - Español - Portuguese - Italiano - Arabic Hebrew - Indonesian Chinese - Japanese - Russian - Ukrainian - Hindi Korean - Norsk - Ellinika - Vietnamese - Afrikaans-- Arabic, Standard--Bengali-Common--Bengali, Muslim--Cebuano--Chinese-Cantonese-- Czech--Dutch--Egyptian Colloquial--Farsi, Western--Greek--Hakka-- Hausa--Hungarian--Malay--Malayalam--Mandarin, Mainland Marathi-- North African Arabic--Panjabi, Western--Pashto, Western--Polish-- Portuguese, Portugal--Portuguese, Brazil--Romanian--Serbian--S hanghainese--Sindhi--Spanish, Castillian--Spanish, Latin American-- Sudanese Arabic--Tagalog--Tamil--Telegu--Thai--Turkish--Urdu--Uzbek-- Zulu, Western--Pashto AKU: BUT WHAT ABOUT CELTIC??? OR ANCIENT GREEK?? OR SANSKRIT?? HUH? SYLPHA: I guess God hates people who speak indigenous languages... >Please forward this email to everyone. MARCUS: ...you hate. > Thanks! :-) ALL: YOU'RE WELCOME!