>FINAL FANTASY VII MEETS SAILOR MOON! CALLIE: Neuroses meets superficiality! SEPHIROTH: Schizophrenia meets adolescence! CLOUD: Spirituality meets gooshy romance! MATT: People with funny hair meet...people...with funny hair. >Disclaimer: I use foul language. A lot. MATT: So do I, but am I polluting the Internet? CALLIE: Hey! Square and Takeuchi-sama can sue the pants off this chick! >(The Sailor Scouts are sitting on the steps of the school.) CLOUD: Which school? Rei and Minako go to different schools than the other three Senshi. SEPHIROTH: Wait, how recent is this? We may have to figure in the damn Cwi dub characters. CALLIE: (Dubbed Sailor Uranus) Oh no. Neptune. The helicopter is crashing. Oh noooo. The humanity. Darn. MATT: (Dubbed Sailor Pluto) Hi-eeee! My name's Trista and I'm the 5,000 year-old ruler of the Time Gate! It's wicked kewl! >SERENA: Ohmigod! Like, did you guys, like, see the new Britney Spears video? SEPHIROTH: She WOULD... >MINA: Yeah! She's, like, so cool!!! Teehee!!! CALLIE: I have this really weird feeling that they're actually being very cleverly mocked here. CLOUD: Or the fic could just suck. >RAYE: I hate you all. SEPHIROTH: I call no PMS jokes on "Raye". >AMY: I...don't...have...time...for...Britney...Spears...because.... MATT: ("Amy") ...I...have...to...talk...like...Shater. >I...have...to...maintain... my....8.9...GPA. CALLIE: That's not even POSSIBLE! CLOUD: This fic really does seem to be kind of intelligently satirical. But it still sucks. CALLIE: Well, at least li'l Miss Dubbie here spelled the US names for Rei and Ami appropriately. And she's making fun of Mercury's old dubbie voice actress. MATT: You used to watch the dub, huh? CALLIE: When I was young and stupid. >SERENA: Ohmigod! Like, Sailor Scouts can have, like, fun too, or some junk! SEPHIROTH: Then she and Alicia Silverstone gave Unazuki a makeover. >LITA: Britney Spears? Ha! Korn RULES!!!!!! CALLIE: Korn does NOT rule! MATT: They do too! CALLIE: DO NOT! MATT: DO TOO! CALLIE: Yeah, well, at least I don't listen to EMINEM! MATT: He's better than ECHO AND THE BUNNYMEN! CALLIE: IS NOT! MATT: IS TOO! CLOUD: Okay, okay, you two, shut up. >(begins to sing) Feeling like a freak on a leash... MATT: ~ Feeling like I have no release... ~ SEPHIROTH: Callie, I thought you LIKED Korn. CALLIE: (Whispering) I do. Just not that much. >(she stops as the other sailor scouts give her weird looks.) SEPHIROTH: (Random "scout") What are you smoking, how much did you smoke, and most importantly- where can I get some?! >RAYE: What the heck are you talking about, you lesbian freak? CALLIE: MAKO-CHAN A LESBIAN?! The one that sees her old sempai everywhere and chases Motoki around? SEPHIROTH: Dubbing. CALLIE: STILL! >LITA: WHAT??? ALL: SHE SAID, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU LESBIAN FREAK?"!!! >(all of a sudden, Queen Beryl appears in front of them) CALLIE: (Queen Beryl) It's meeeee-eeeee! SEPHIROTH: (Beryl) Avon calling! >SAILOR SCOUTS: Ohmigod! It's, like, Queen Beryl! CLOUD: Synchronized bimbosity. Joy. >QUEEN BERYL: Ahahaha! Sailor Whores! We meet again! MATT: Sailor Whores? This from the woman who wears her dress down to HERE? >AMY: Oh...my...goodness...gracious...me!!! SEPHIROTH: Starring C-3PO in the role of Sailor Mercury. >RAYE: SHIT!!!!!!! CALLIE: ("Raye") Serena, aren't you potty-trained yet?! CLOUD: Callie! >SERENA: Raye, you said a naughty word! Teehee!! MATT: ("Serena") That was really fucking crude, Raye! >QUEEN BERYL: SILENCE!!!! Sailor Ditz, Sailor Bitch, Sailor Stammer, Sailor Ellen, and Sailor Boring...you are now MINE!!!! SEPHIROTH: (Beryl) You will be my sex slaves for all eternity! MWHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAHAHAAAAAA! >SERENA: Like, can I be Sailor Gap? CALLIE: (Beryl) As long as I can "fall into the Gap", as it were... CLOUD: ACK! >MINA: Am I the boring one? CALLIE: No, you're the enigmatic and good-natured goddess of love and beauty. Don't let a bad fanfic get you down, Minako-chan! >LITA: DON'T CALL ME ELLEN, YOU ROTTEN REDHEADED WHOREHOUSE REJECT!!!! MATT; Whoadamn! Looks like the Prozac shipment's late again! >RAYE: God I hate you people. SEPHIROTH: (In his deepest voice) Then thou shalt be smited. >QUEEN BERYL: Heh heh heh...(looks at the squabbling scouts) CLOUD: "Squabbling Scouts" would be a great name for a band. MATT: ~ We are the Squabble Scouts...the ^$^^$ Squabble Scouts...buy our &%&*ing cookies or we'll *%%^ing clobber you! ~ SEPHIROTH: How the heck?! MATT: I practice saying all those pretty little symbols. >Now that they are distracted...I'll send them to a place where they can't always win!!!! MATT: The Superbowl? >(queen beryl waves around some giant freakin crystal or something. CALLIE: Not for any reason other than that it gave her a weird, sick pleasure to do it. >The five girls are sent whirling through space and time-naturally, screaming.) (they land in a pile of garbage, SEPHIROTH: The collective works of Issei Mataloun? CALLIE: Then they walked around and went "GRAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!", I bet. CLOUD: Kinda obscure. >next to a playground decorated with cats) MATT: Speaking of which, where the heck are Luna and Artemis? CALLIE: They died. It was tragic. The end. >SERENA: Like, ow!!! >MINA: Hmm-hmm-hmm... SEPHIROTH: ("Mina") This doesn't bother me in the least, really, I've always wanted four nubile young women on top of me. CLOUD: **sigh** >RAYE: This is all Serena's fault! CLOUD: What is this, a Sailor Moon witchhunt? MATT: (British) BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH! SEPHIROTH: (British, kinda squeaky) How do you knoooow she is a witch? MATT: (British) Errrmm...she looks like one! >LITA: Hey hey hey!!! MATT: HEY!! It's Palmer! >(is looking up amy's skirt) SEPHIROTH: Something many a fanboy has dreamed of doing. >AMY: Oh...goodness...I..think...I'm..being...watched! CLOUD: (Amy) Is that a videocamera?! ALL: CLOUD?? CLOUD: I'm sick of telling you all to stop being ecchi. >SERENA: Hey! It is, like, not all my fault, Raye, you psycho slutwhore! MATT: Didn't she just call Raye on bad language? >RAYE: Bitch. CALLIE: (Serena) Slut. SEPHIROTH: (Raye) Skank. CALLIE: (Serena) Tramp. SEPHIROTH: (Raye) Floozy. CALLIE: (Raye) Harlot. SEPHIROTH: (Serena) Whore. CALLIE: (Raye) Ho. MATT: Er, enough, y'all... >AMY: Ladies...please! >(mina falls asleep) MATT: I'm inclined to do so soon myself. >SERENA: You're so stupid! (sticks tongue out at raye) SEPHIROTH: This isn't a lemon, is it? >RAYE: Am not! (sticks tongue out back.) >(lita sticks middle finger out.) CLOUD: Well, aren't WE passive-aggressive today? >(this continues for approximately four hours-or so it seems to the viewer.) (Callie laughs.) MATT: Uh-oh, I think she's enjoying the fic. >(the fighting is AGAIN interrupted by sounds they hear behind them. The scouts turn around to see two people sitting on one of the giant plastic cats.) >AERIS: Oh, Cloud, you cute little cabbage leaf, you! I could just eat you up! Teehee!! (Sephiroth points at Cloud and laughs hysterically. Cloud turns bright red and slumps down into his seat.) CALLIE: (Aeris, cooing) Cloud, mon petit feuille de chou! Je voudrais mangerais-vouz! MATT: Is that real French? CALLIE: Probably not. >CLOUD: Um...what? CLOUD: That's right, I'M NOT LISTENING! (Put his hands over his ears and sings) LA, LA LA LA LA! LA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LAA! LA LA, LAAAA! MATT: Is that from Lunar: SSS? >AERIS: You're soooooooooo darn cute when you're being clueless! SEPHIROTH: No more Alicia Silverstone jokes. >I just love you to BITS! MATT: Kibbles 'n Bits! >Cloud: Girls are yucky. CLOUD: Now that's not something I'd say! (Sephiroth points and laughs again.) CLOUD: Shut it. >SERENA: (eyes shaped like hearts) CALLIE: Wow, it's amazing what those plastic surgeons can do nowadays! >Wow, isn't he, like, just soooo dreamy?? What a hunkmeister! CLOUD: See? SEE? The ladies love me! SEPHIROTH: So do the men. CLOUD: I will not comment. >LITA: Yeah, she's not bad either! I wonder how she would look in a uniform like ours? CALLIE: Like crap! >(eyes turn into big hearts) MATT: It's part of her new transformation sequence. >MINA: I like white bread and mayonnaise sandwiches. SEPHIROTH: Gee, good for you. Now why should I care again? >AMY: Perhaps...we...should...do...a...reading...on...them. (her earring turns into a blue visor that stretches across their face.) CALLIE: But she isn't in her Sailor Mercury form! >the...male..seems...to...be...human...except...for...the...large... amount...of...some...unknown...substance...and...excessive.... quantities...of...hair...gel. CLOUD: THIS IS ALL-NATURAL! I just happen to have very resilient hair! MATT: And a demented beautician. >RAYE: Why do you talk like that? CLOUD: (Amy) Because I'm a Kirk fangirl, of course. >AMY: (ignoring raye)The...female....seems...to....be...completely.... natural...in...every...way SERENA: No makeup? Like, what is her, like problem?? God!!!!!!! CALLIE: Usagi doesn't wear any makeup! MATT: How do you know? CALLIE: She's always waking up waaaaayyy to freakin' late to put any on. >(cloud suddenly turns SEPHIROTH: -into a pumpkin. >around and sees the girls. Serena immediately starts to giggle.) CLOUD: That sound is really getting on my nerves. >CLOUD: Oh, fuck...more of them!!! AERIS: Cloud, like, you shouldn't swear! Teehee!!!! CLOUD: Can't you possibly say anything without giggling? You're acting like some kind of animated character with no more brains than potato salad! MATT: Says the man standing right in front of Tsukino Usagi. >AERIS: Oh, Cloudy-head, you've got me pegged!!! CLOUD: Jesus. CLOUD: A-MEN, brother! >(the sailor scouts run up to cloud and aeris. CALLIE: AAAAAHHHH! They're stampeding! >Halfway there, serena trips and falls. She immediately starts to cry.) SERENA: Like, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! MATT: Knew that would happen. >RAYE: Crap. MINA: Time for the secret weapon! CLOUD: (Mina) Go get the enema! CALLIE: (Serena, Renfield) Nooooooo, not another enema! CLOUD: (Mina) Yes, another enema! And another and another and another until you come to your senses! SEPHIROTH: Mel Brooks, yeah! >(she brings out a folded wallet photo and shows it to serena. Serena immediately stops crying. A peaceful smile settles on her face and she gets up and walks again.) LITA: What did you show her? MINA: A naked picture of Darien. CALLIE: O_O eeep! (She tuns around and neatly vomits on the floor behind her) SEPHIROTH: Jeez, dude, take it easy! CALLIE: **gag** ANYTHING...but...HIM...like...THAT...anything! >RAYE: WHO SAID "DARIEN" AND "NAKED"????? (Callie makes a choking sound) >CLOUD: Um...errr....are you guys all right? CALLIE: (crying softly) No... MATT: (hugging her) Let me take her out for a couple minutes, okay? (Matt and Callie leave.) CLOUD: It's just us now. SEPHIROTH: (frowning) Last time that happened, I got screwed. >SERENA: We're fine, you gorgeous hunk of man, you, CLOUD: Wow, this is good for the ego. >but we don't, like, know where we are! AMY: My...readings...detect...an...abnormally...high...amount...of... sexual...activity....in....the...surrounding...areas. SEPHIROTH: (Amy) Ach du lieber! The Playboy mansion! >AERIS: Teehee! You said sex! SEPHIROTH: She's characterized correctly. CLOUD: NO, she is NOT! >CLOUD: You're right by Wall Market. SCOUTS: Wall Market? CLOUD: In Sector Six? SS: Huh? CLOUD: In...Midgar? RAYE: Great, now he's talking like Amy. (Sephiroth suddenly laughs) CLOUD: What is it? SEPHIROTH: Damned if I don't LIKE this fic! CLOUD: Well, we have seen a lot worse... >SERENA: I don't know where that is! I miss my mommy and daddy and stupid little brother and my hunky-awesome-sweetie boyfriend and... SEPHIROTH: (Serena) Auntie Em! Auntie Em! >(serena's words are cut off by mina shoving a marshmallow in serena's mouth.) CLOUD: Brought to you by the redundant department of redundant redundancy department. >CLOUD: Well...by my great powers of deduction that I'm not going to bother explaining as it would take away from the pre-rendered two-dimensional scenery graphics... (Cloud and Sephiroth start laughing hysterically.) (Callie and Matt walk in and give the two very funny looks.) >I would guess that you were lost. SEPHIROTH: Smart boy that you are... >A friend of mine owns a bar near here, we can take you there, okay? MATT: Aha! They're underage, Cloud! CLOUD: Technically, so is Tifa, but it's her bar, isn't it? >AERIS: Teehee!!! CALLIE: Shut up! >SERENA: Teehee? AERIS: Teehee!! Heeeheehee duh! SERENA; Duh duh doy? AERIS: Teehee! CLOUD: (British) Good heavens! I think they're trying to communicate! >RAYE: SHUT UP, ASSHOLES! ALL: THANK YOU! >Aeris: Well, really! MATT: No, really. Shut up. >SERENA: Teehee!!!! SEPHIROTH: I think it's skipping... >(at the seventh heaven bar, tifa is pacing the floor relentlessly. cid is smoking, and barret is doing something with a needle.) CLOUD: Ah...oh, dear. I think I'm gonna be offended in a moment. >TIFA: Oh, gosh, where's Cloud? I'm hopeless without him! CLOUD: Yup, I sure was. CALLIE: She WAS kinda clingy... >CID: Free the weed, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.....(smokes some more) Pretty colors....oooooo........ CALLIE: Cid? ~ Oh, I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job, I'm your av-er-age white suburbanite slob, I like football and porno and books about war, I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor-- ~ SEPHIROTH: okay, jeez. CALLIE: I want SOMEONE to get my Dennis Leary jokes :( >BARRET: Dammit, where are my steroids? (Everyone cracks up) CLOUD: This is a GOOD fic! >TIFA: I hope he's okay. MATT: (Tifa) It's not like he's genetically engineered to be practically indestructible or anything... >I hope he didn't get captured by his own faulty memories and sent headfirst into a world of despair and devastation. CLOUD: Oh, yeah, just BRING that whole sordid incident up... SEPHIROTH: (Patting Cloud on the head.) There, there. >CID: He went to New Jersey? (Callie falls on the floor, laughing hyterically) MATT: Oh, my god...you wrote this, didn't you? (Callie hiccups with glee) CLOUD: I don't believe it! One oof our own?! CALLIE: **giggle** Oh, c'mon! You know you love it...(She sits back down) SEPHIROTH: When the HELL did you WRITE this? CALLIE: Four years ago! C'mon, I was twelve! >BARRET: WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY????? CALLIE: Well, I guess I'd better leave... (She does so) (Kyuke drops into her seat.) (Everyone looks at each other, blinks, and goes back to the fanfic) >(yuffie bursts in) KYUKE: (Yuffie) THEY FOUND THE STASH, MAN! FLUSH IT! FLUSH IT! >YUFFIE: Help me! Help me! SEPHIROTH: (Yuffie) I'M ANNOYING AS HELL! MATT: I like Yuffie :P >TIFA: What? KYUKE: (Tifa) Huh? Sorry, I missed that. I was rearranging my saline blobs. CLOUD: They're REAL, dammit! >CID: Purple haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaze!!!! MATT: ~ Purple haze, up in my brain! ~ SEPHIROTH: Okay, just stop there. We all get it. >YUFFIE: I just saw a bunch of girls walking with Cloud and Aeris, and they're even younger and ditzier than me! ALL: RUN FOR COVER! >BARRET: OH MY GAWD!! WE'S GOTTA GETS US SOME HELP FER THAT THERE THANG!!! SEPHIROTH: Huken Awn Fonix have bin werking 4 me!!!!!!!!!!!! >TIFA: What? KYUKE: (Tifa) Oops, missed that, too. I was busy removing my makeup with a spatula. CLOUD: Tifa rarely EVER wears makeup! What is WITH you?! (Kyuke shrugs) >YUFFIE: Take a grammar lesson, you overgrown Mr. T wannabe! MATT: Whooooooooooo now! Them's fightin' words! >CID: Let's go listen to Janis Joplin.... SEPHIROTH: Okay, the stoner jokes I could understand...but HIPPIE jokes? CLOUD: Very sad. MATT: Callie's extremely humble roots. >(cloud, aeris, and the sailor scouts come in.) AMY: This...seems...to....be...a....bar...according....to...my... computer. RAYE: OF COURSE it's a bar, you brainiac blue-haired slut! KYUKE: This fic is full of sad unhappy feelings :( >Look at all the alcohol bottles on the walls! MATT: Wow, that would be a REALLY cool decorating scheme... >There's a neon Labatt's sign in the window! There's two guys taking drugs over here and a ho in some kind of bikini top over here! CLOUD: (Random Senshi) In that case, maybe we're at Hooter's. >SERENA: Wow! Like, drugs are bad, or something! MATT: She said "something"! That means she could actually be thinking that drugs are good! SAILOR MOON IS A HEROIN ADDICT! SHE'S TRYING TO TURN OUR KIDS INTO JUNKIES! KYUKE: My friend, take some medication. >AERIS: Teehee!! Come on, you guys, we can listen to the Backstreet Boys up in my room!!! (Everyone groans and makes vomiting noises) >SS EXCEPT LITA: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! (amy, serena, mina, raye, and aeris all run up to aeris' room.) SEPHIROTH: ORGY TIME! WHOO-HOO! (Cloud slaps him) >(lita stays behind, a disgusted look on her face.) MATT: (Makoto) Gawd, I can't BELIEVE I'm in this shitty fanfic... >LITA: Haven't these people heard of Limp Bizkit? (Callie pokes her head in) CALLIE: I WISH I NEVER HAD! (She disappears again.) >(she stares at tifa with longing, MATT: ...but don't we all? KYUKE: Not me. CLOUD: (Annoyed) Well, YOU DON'T COUNT. KYUKE: **Raaaowr!* >then angrily stomps upstairs.) TIFA: Cloud, what the hell? CLOUD: I don't know either. >CLOUD: I found them in the Sector 6 playground. They were so lost I had to take them in. SEPHIROTH: (Cloud) ohhh PLEEEEEEEEEEASE Mommy can I keep them please please please please pelase I swear to gosh I'll feed them and brush them and bathe them and whip them and take care of them! >TIFA: You're all heart! MATT: (Cloud; super-masculine) I'm all MAN, baby... >BARRET: WHAT KINDA ASS IS YOU, WOMAN? KYUKE: A dumbass! >THAT BOY BE TAKIN' IN STRANGERS AND WHO KNOWS WHA'ALL'LL COME IN? SEPHIROTH: You know, something tells me Barret ain't the shiniest Materia in the store... CLOUD: Nice analogy. SEPHIROTH: Thanks. >TIFA: Okay. First of all, is wha'all'll a word? MATT: Well, it depends on exactly HOW drunk you are...